To be increasingly filled with seething resentment towards DH

[endofmytether1000]

WARNING: extremely long! I have NCed, am a regular MNetter.

DS is 5 months old. I am on ML from a very high pressure, very high paid job. DH also has a high pressure, very high paid job that he doesn't particularly like and causes him a lot of stress (but that he will not change as he is too scared to).

DS was an ivf pregnancy due to anovulatory PCOS, and I then had HG in pregnancy which was reasonably well controlled by meds so that I could keep working. I went into labour early (37w) on my final day of work before ML started (groan) and had a very long and complicated delivery culminating in a crash section losing 2L of blood with a bladder prolapse. I am ebf and since 14 weeks DS has refused to take much from a bottle.

Because I'm ebf I have done all night waking/feedings since birth which I've been happy to do, no point both of us being up etc etc. DS doesn't sleep much during he day (the dreaded 40 minute sleep cycle!) but has been a reasonable sleeper for the most part - 1-2 night wakings and quick to resettle.

HOWEVER, now things are changing and I am becoming increasingly resentful of my dh. Am too tired to make this coherent but a few "highlights" - sorry for length but trying not to drip feed

• DS has stopped being a reasonable sleeper/resettler and is now waking at midnight, 330am and 530am. He is not actually hungry but will ofc when held to my chest eventually go for my boob. DS has also started to fight against sleeping in his cot / he wants to sleep with us/on me! So it is taking c 1-1.5hrs to resettle him, which means the sleep time between feeds is more like 1-1.5hrs. DH sleeps through all night wakings with a pillow over his head, snoring heavily. If I shake him awake to help me with settling DS he will do so under great sufferance, and if he does get DS down in his cot he will immediately go back to bed with his pillow so that when DS cries out again (because he's not properly settled) I either have to go to him myself or shake dh awake again. So I end up just feeding DS as I can't really hold him off by myself. DH is such a heavy sleeper that he sets his alarm for eg 6am - it will go off, wake me up and then I have to shake dh awake. This morning I was awake from 330-530am and then dh's alarm went off at 6am and I had to wake him
• dh constantly tells me that "we really need to push DS to take the bottle" however will not do anything to help me - I tried to introduce a dream feed with a bottle but I would go up to bed at 1030/11 after expressing and dh would be asleep with his head under the pillow and refuse to wake up. Similarly he will not commit to being home for either the 7am or bedtime feed for eg 2 weeks to get DS used to a bottle. So I have to try to give it to DS myself and obviously he won't take it from me.
• on weekends I do almost all of the child care. Dh will take him if I specifically ask but only for the minimum amount of time I ask for (eg yesterday I asked him to look after DS whilst I had a "quick bath" - I was having a nice soak and after 40 minutes dh came up to the bathroom and said "I thought you were only having a quick soak, when will you be done?"). If I want him to look after DS for multiple periods he will claim he "has to do some work today" and disappear to his study.
• dh will not use his brain AT ALL with DS - he will literally do exactly what I tell him and no more. Some recent examples - he gave DS a bath last night (he does this 1-2 nights a week), I lay out all DS sleep clothes whilst he baths him (as he "doesn't know what he should be wearing") and I put his sleeping bag on the bed. DH put it on backwards and inside out "because that's how you left it". FYI I don't care about it being on backwards but wtf?! This man has a masters degree and runs big complicated business projects at work. More seriously he has given DS too much calpol in the past because "you didn't tell me there are 2 doses in the sachet" (it's written clearly on the packet). I am so tired of having to ALL the thinking for him.
• similarly I have to do anything related to DS care eg I am looking for a full time nanny at the moment and I am doing all searching, interviewing. I research the cot and all the various bits of kit he needs. &etc
• I do not get paid ML past the first 6 weeks (crap industry) yet I am still funding 50% of all our household expenses. This includes paying rent, all bills and expenses plus 50% of a mortgage on a house we are currently renovating and will move into. I have told dh that I think this is unfair and he keeps promising that we will "sort it out" but it is never the right time to talk about it
• our sex life is non existent as dh has lost his libido. We had sex once in the third trimester of my pregnancy and have had sex once since he was born. Before that it was slowly slipping to once a month territory. I am trying not to pressure dh but he literally has no interest in me at all and i find that really hard.

On the other hand, I do have help - I have a part time nanny 2x a week for 4 hours. Dh keeps saying "get more help" but it is difficult to find part time help plus ofc DS doesn't take a bottle so it doesn't really free me to do much during the day as I always have to be available to feed.

All this is coming to a head I think because I now have chronic sleep deprivation - I haven't had more than 4 hours straight sleep since DS was born and the last 3 weeks not more than 1.5 hours at a time. I had zero maternity leave pre baby (literally went from office to hospital) and had a very stressful run up to leaving plus ofc was still vomiting from the HG so was not well rested going into this. Plus I have had a very slow recovery from my section and have not been able to do sufficient amounts of exercise to help that. I feel like I am doing childcare 24/7, shouldering 50% of my financial obligations and do not have a functioning marital relationship, whilst my husband basically continues with his pre kids life and is perfectly happy. I am going back to work in 6 weeks and am beyond stressed about it. Sometimes when I am trying to settle DS at night and he is snoring next to me I want to commit violence. But I also know i am hormonal and sleep deprived so am not sure what to do about it.

Not sure what I really want from this post other than somewhere to vent! Thank you for making it this far :)

So according to Fate and Neo, men should never be expected to do anything to care for a baby and women should never want a moment away from their child.

Did we experience a time warp to 1917? Back in the 21st century co-parenting is a way for both parents to share the responsibilities and rewards of child-rearing.

"If you let him he will free ride, you will bear most of the cost of child rearing while he continues to advance in his career, investing in his earning potential gaining in power and status while you lose yours"

And this is literal cost if you're still paying 50% of the bills while not earning.

My DH took a while to accept that half of the burden should be his. He understood this in theory before the kids arrived, but the practice has taken longer (DCs are 11 and 7 now, and I'd say he's done 50% of kid stuff for the last 2 years, still battling on household stuff).

Agree with the advice to just stop paying the bills. I'm not sure how best to approach the other stuff. I spent years shouting and crying and threatening to leave, but I hope that isn't the only or most effective option .

Five month old babies really shouldn't be awake at night like this. TBH the OP needs to choose betweeen breastfeeding and cosleeping (baby right next to her so that she doesn't need to get up at night) or a bottle feed routine.

Actually her husband needs a nanny to teach him how to cope.

Most of us find parenting and small babies bloody hard work. If you don't, good for you. A lot of interesting, rewarding things in life are hard work.

I have teenagers. That's supposed to be the difficult bit but my god it is easier than the first six months!

I don't think you're asking much of your DH, and he's not even doing that. Why can't he do a dream feed at 10.30? He can sleep solidly from 11 and still get a full night's sleep. I wouldn't expect him to help with nights Sun - Thurs, but yes he can on weekends.

I think there are two options - either accept your DH is unwilling to do more, and buy in more help, or get him to gradually do more with the baby.

Either way, when you go back to work you will probably still end up doing all the child related chores - planning her meals, packing the bags when you go out, researching childcare / toys / activities / behaviour. TBH I do all these things for my 2dc but it is mitigated by the fact that DH does more around the house and garden than me.

It's just another example of the father's life not really changing when he has a baby, and the mother's life revolving around the baby. I've seen it a lot with my friends and it is difficult to manage. Still working on it with my DH.

Five month old babies really shouldn't be awake at night like this.

Yeah ok.

Actually my older daughter slept through the night from four months. Still bloody hard work, though.

Babies deserve to be taught to sleep at night. This poor baby is going through torture because he is not being taught a proper sleep-feed-eat rhythm.

My DS is at nursery today. It's ace. I love him to pieces but it's hard work being a mum. It's not a crime to want time away from your baby

Of course not.

But when you have not yet learnt how to cope as a first time parent, this is akin to burying your head in the sand.

The OP needs to learn how to be a parent.

So does the OP's husband. But this fact doesn't detract from the one above.

Given the family have the financial means, a full time nanny (plus night nanny?) from joint funds as a means to teach them both how to cope without a nanny, would be the best possible use of their money. A nanny to give them time away from their firstborn, not so much.

This poor baby is going through torture because he is not being taught a proper sleep-feed-eat rhythm.

Oh FGS. This might be vaguely true if the kid was over a year and still waking multiple times at night. He's 5 months FGS! At 5 months my DS was still feeding every 2 hours. Sleeps a log now, he's fine.

I'm not saying the OP shouldn't sleep train or whatever, if she wants to, but please let's not pretend this is the main issue here - the main issue here is her lazy useless husband.

Did you even read the OP? Night feeds are the least of the problems here.

let's not pretend this is the main issue here...

That the OP is not coping with the basic demands of being a parent

(Neither can get husband)

That the OP is not coping with the basic demands of being a parent

Which are what?

Honestly fate, I've seen you give some quite sensible advice on the sleep boards.

I thunk within the limits of safety you need to let him get on with it! Can you go out (at weekends) so he can't tell you to come back/get out of the bath? Leave him to dress ds - the first time my dh did it, he forgot the nappy but he didn't make that mistake again. Insist on the dream feed! My dh is far from being great with babies but I insisted on it with our twins and it really helped.

Actually I think a nanny to help you both cope is a good idea. Parenting is hard and not everyone picks it up naturally. Especially if you are chronically sleep deprived. It's not a great position to be trying to learn new skills. It takes a lot of patience to teach a non sleeping baby to sleep well. Plus I think being shown how to do something, live, is far easier than trying to follow tips online or in a book.

Waking frequently in the night
Not napping for long
Taking ages to resettle
Wanting to be held
Not taking to a bottle easily...

I could go on. It's all in the OP. These are not unusual or especially unique things. They are basic level parental demands.

What do you mean let him get on with it? She wants him to get on with it - and he's sloping off to work.

It really is utterly reasonable to expect a co-parent to have some basic competence with a five-month-old.

But do stop waking him up in the morning. It's his alarm, he can respond to it.

Also don't wake him up. You are not his personal alarm clock.

I could go on. It's all in the OP. These are not unusual or especially unique things. They are basic level parental demands.

Yes but nowhere has she said she's not coping, she's merely fed up with her useless twat of a husband.

My 5mo still wakes every hour or two.

My DP can get back to sleep really easily, so what we do is when DS wakes DP gets him and brings him to me, I feed him in bed, I wind him, then DP either takes him back to his room (DS usually goes straight back to sleep after a feed during the night) or I put him in the Sleepyhead beside me. Then DP goes straight back to sleep.

Good to know we're failing as parents because he doesn't sleep!

Honestly fate, I've seen you give some quite sensible advice on the sleep boards.

I write about these sorts of things all the time MoominFlaps.

The main issue here is first time parent unrealistic expectations of parenthood. She's not coping with the basics of being a parent. Neither is her husband. That's not his fault. It's also not her fault. Fact is - they are not coping. Blaming her husband for that is solving nothing.

she's merely fed up with her useless twat of a husband

She's placing the blame on her husband rather than just owning the fact that (possibly for the first time in her successful life?) she's not acing being a parent, as she expected to.

The same is true of her husband.

Poor you, you sound very sleep deprived.

I'm going to be a bit controversial here. It might seem a mite unfair, but your DH needs to sleep to do his job during the week. You don't. And you do currently rely on his financial contribution.

My suggestion is to sit down together and work out a rota so he does more at the weekends, and you allow him his sleep during the week.

I just read the first post.
You are very tired and your husband is not doing his bit.

I eventually earned 10x my husband and we both worked full time. I went back to work at 2 - 5 weeks with each baby and worked until in labour. Our situations are very similar.

Here is what we did. I would go to bed every night (the first baby cried from about 6 to mid night for the first 3 months) at 10pm after breastfeeding her - breastfeeding went fine in our case. I would leave her with her father downstairs. he would llook after her until midnight no mater how tired she was. If she was still awake at mid night he would pass her to me to feed etc etc. We did our bit - each of us.

We both hired and found a day nanny -we interviewed her together. Just because you have a penis does not mean you do this - in our case we found and hired her before I had the baby as I was giong back to work so soon and she started when the first baby was 2 weeks old. So we never had a period when I the mother was better than the father at anything child care other than breastfeeding.

You are very tired. You need to get some sleep. Hire some weekend help perhaps - we found someone to do Saturday and Sunday mornings at one stage when we had our twins - the 4th/5th children. It really helped even if you were just sleeping. With the twins I got up atnight with them to feed them (breastfed ) for 12 months and then after that their father did every night waking for 3 years to make up.

You don't seem to have transactional negotiating in this relationship just massive sexism and unfairness.

So what about this Saturday you sleep all afternoon and your husband has the baby?

Also get back to work ASAP. It is much much easier then as you can sit at a desk, nod off it you have to, read a book on the tube. I expressed milk at work which was the only downside. I didn't like that.

No: her husband isn't even trying. He's not being an active parent at all.