To be increasingly filled with seething resentment towards DH

[endofmytether1000]

WARNING: extremely long! I have NCed, am a regular MNetter.

DS is 5 months old. I am on ML from a very high pressure, very high paid job. DH also has a high pressure, very high paid job that he doesn't particularly like and causes him a lot of stress (but that he will not change as he is too scared to).

DS was an ivf pregnancy due to anovulatory PCOS, and I then had HG in pregnancy which was reasonably well controlled by meds so that I could keep working. I went into labour early (37w) on my final day of work before ML started (groan) and had a very long and complicated delivery culminating in a crash section losing 2L of blood with a bladder prolapse. I am ebf and since 14 weeks DS has refused to take much from a bottle.

Because I'm ebf I have done all night waking/feedings since birth which I've been happy to do, no point both of us being up etc etc. DS doesn't sleep much during he day (the dreaded 40 minute sleep cycle!) but has been a reasonable sleeper for the most part - 1-2 night wakings and quick to resettle.

HOWEVER, now things are changing and I am becoming increasingly resentful of my dh. Am too tired to make this coherent but a few "highlights" - sorry for length but trying not to drip feed

• DS has stopped being a reasonable sleeper/resettler and is now waking at midnight, 330am and 530am. He is not actually hungry but will ofc when held to my chest eventually go for my boob. DS has also started to fight against sleeping in his cot / he wants to sleep with us/on me! So it is taking c 1-1.5hrs to resettle him, which means the sleep time between feeds is more like 1-1.5hrs. DH sleeps through all night wakings with a pillow over his head, snoring heavily. If I shake him awake to help me with settling DS he will do so under great sufferance, and if he does get DS down in his cot he will immediately go back to bed with his pillow so that when DS cries out again (because he's not properly settled) I either have to go to him myself or shake dh awake again. So I end up just feeding DS as I can't really hold him off by myself. DH is such a heavy sleeper that he sets his alarm for eg 6am - it will go off, wake me up and then I have to shake dh awake. This morning I was awake from 330-530am and then dh's alarm went off at 6am and I had to wake him
• dh constantly tells me that "we really need to push DS to take the bottle" however will not do anything to help me - I tried to introduce a dream feed with a bottle but I would go up to bed at 1030/11 after expressing and dh would be asleep with his head under the pillow and refuse to wake up. Similarly he will not commit to being home for either the 7am or bedtime feed for eg 2 weeks to get DS used to a bottle. So I have to try to give it to DS myself and obviously he won't take it from me.
• on weekends I do almost all of the child care. Dh will take him if I specifically ask but only for the minimum amount of time I ask for (eg yesterday I asked him to look after DS whilst I had a "quick bath" - I was having a nice soak and after 40 minutes dh came up to the bathroom and said "I thought you were only having a quick soak, when will you be done?"). If I want him to look after DS for multiple periods he will claim he "has to do some work today" and disappear to his study.
• dh will not use his brain AT ALL with DS - he will literally do exactly what I tell him and no more. Some recent examples - he gave DS a bath last night (he does this 1-2 nights a week), I lay out all DS sleep clothes whilst he baths him (as he "doesn't know what he should be wearing") and I put his sleeping bag on the bed. DH put it on backwards and inside out "because that's how you left it". FYI I don't care about it being on backwards but wtf?! This man has a masters degree and runs big complicated business projects at work. More seriously he has given DS too much calpol in the past because "you didn't tell me there are 2 doses in the sachet" (it's written clearly on the packet). I am so tired of having to ALL the thinking for him.
• similarly I have to do anything related to DS care eg I am looking for a full time nanny at the moment and I am doing all searching, interviewing. I research the cot and all the various bits of kit he needs. &etc
• I do not get paid ML past the first 6 weeks (crap industry) yet I am still funding 50% of all our household expenses. This includes paying rent, all bills and expenses plus 50% of a mortgage on a house we are currently renovating and will move into. I have told dh that I think this is unfair and he keeps promising that we will "sort it out" but it is never the right time to talk about it
• our sex life is non existent as dh has lost his libido. We had sex once in the third trimester of my pregnancy and have had sex once since he was born. Before that it was slowly slipping to once a month territory. I am trying not to pressure dh but he literally has no interest in me at all and i find that really hard.

On the other hand, I do have help - I have a part time nanny 2x a week for 4 hours. Dh keeps saying "get more help" but it is difficult to find part time help plus ofc DS doesn't take a bottle so it doesn't really free me to do much during the day as I always have to be available to feed.

All this is coming to a head I think because I now have chronic sleep deprivation - I haven't had more than 4 hours straight sleep since DS was born and the last 3 weeks not more than 1.5 hours at a time. I had zero maternity leave pre baby (literally went from office to hospital) and had a very stressful run up to leaving plus ofc was still vomiting from the HG so was not well rested going into this. Plus I have had a very slow recovery from my section and have not been able to do sufficient amounts of exercise to help that. I feel like I am doing childcare 24/7, shouldering 50% of my financial obligations and do not have a functioning marital relationship, whilst my husband basically continues with his pre kids life and is perfectly happy. I am going back to work in 6 weeks and am beyond stressed about it. Sometimes when I am trying to settle DS at night and he is snoring next to me I want to commit violence. But I also know i am hormonal and sleep deprived so am not sure what to do about it.

Not sure what I really want from this post other than somewhere to vent! Thank you for making it this far :)

I'm appalled on your behalf! You need to put a stop to this now. You are a single parent by default, he has no interest in you or the baby, you are paying half his bills and getting no help whatsoever. You may as well be on your own. Firstly, stop paying half the bills. That is an adjustment you can make immediately with no input from him and I don't think he has a leg to stand on if he argues. Is he at all affectionate with your DC?

How are the bills paid? Could you just put them in his name and sit with him to set up an online food account.

Also dream feed the baby Friday and Saturday about 11pm and then go sleep on a different room. One furthest from yours even if it's lounge. Tell your DH he is in charge Friday and Saturday nights and he will need to bring baby to you for feeds.

Yes just stop funding and give him the bills

It might be a bit controversial but I don't believe the parent on maternity leave or who is staying at home should be waking up the working one to do night feeds and I'm not being sexist there at all, I would say a man shouldn't be waking his wife if he was the one at home.

The other stuff would annoy me too.

Is it worth talking to his family and friends and explaining how difficult it's been and how unsupported you are. Can anyone talk to him and help him man up to responsibilities.

The sleep deprivation is an utter killer. He could practically help out Friday and Saturday because his involvement will naturally elongate your sons sleep and make the transition to you working better.

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

He doesn't even live up to this nightmare of saying 'you should have asked', he has just delegated half the expenses and all the parenting to you.

What is the point of him exactly?

Ah shit - there's a thread around here somewhere - might be in Feminism Chat or something about "Women's Work" that links to another website/blog/cartoon/something specifically about this kind of thing. It explains it beautifully.

Have a look, see if you can find it and show it to your husband. At the very least it might help you understand why you feel like you do.

You are angry rightly so. I think many women only really get to know how fucking selfish their partners are and how little has changed for women when they have kids. When my partner and I were alone I genuinely did not see what a lazy arse he was. Anyway you need to start being arsey. Maybe you need to leave him to get on with it more often? Ultimately though you cant change people like this. My dp is still a lazy arse. I have much less love and respect for him as a result.

Spectacular x-post with AlternativeTentacle! That's the very thing!

You need to sort out finances, you shouldn't be going 50/50 at all!
My DH sleeps very soundly and did a long hours job, I never woke him, he needed sleep to be able to do his job properly. He sounds like he hasn't bonded with the baby?

I can understand a lot of your post, I am in a similar situation re: jobs (I am on ML from a very good job and my DP works long hours and is well paid etc)
Things that occur to me:

1. Mine is almost 11 months and has woken up more like 5-10 x a night for his whole life but it still sounds like I get a lot more sleep than you (I'm honestly not tired). We bedshare and when the baby wants to feed he feeds, usually with his eyes closed and is still half asleep and is asleep again as soon as he comes off the boob. Bedsharing has saved my sanity.
2. Things will get easier as the baby starts food and water. We so BLW so he's still 90%+ breastfed but he will happily go longer stretches in the day without milk if I'm not there. This means my DP can do some food and water (which he enjoys doing) and I can get out of the house and clear my head.
3. your finances aren't acceptable. We aren't married and we share our finances completely which for me was non negotiable once we had a baby. Just tell your DH he needs to pay the mortgage and get you a second credit card linked to his account etc. If he won't agree this is an issue.
4. I don't understand why he is being so stupid and agree perhaps there is a bigger issue e.g. Depressed? If not though you need to have a serious talk with him I think. During office hours you are the sole parent - you are on ML - but on evenings and weekends he should be not just helping but doing half of the parenting (feeding notwithstanding - we've never done bottles and I know some people who spent months trying to get their babies to take bottles in vain and then gave up, you might want to consider whether it is worth it especially as you can introduce a cup quite soon anyway). Me and DP had massive blow out around the 5 months mark where I told him frankly I needed him home earlier in the evenings and I couldn't cope as we were and that I was honestly starting to resent him and dislike him. Things improved a lot. Examples of what he would be doing include going out for drinks and it going on hours longer than expected on a regular basis. Arriving home at the last minute etc. I think he now understands that getting home twenty minutes earlier is making a big difference to us.

Sorry but I don't have much sympathy as you are both claiming "very high paid" jobs. You can buy help for a lot of your problems. And YABU for having separate money - if you are a partnership you should pool finances. I'm partly unsympathetic because I too did ebf and had very little sleep for 6 months x 2. Some men are not good with babies but mine excelled at toddlers

You have laid it all out clearly in this thread, I'd compose an email and basically just copy and paste what you said there. He needs a few home truths and it would probably be hard in conversation to cover everything. Yanbu at all, send it, talk, agree a plan and do it soon to help ease your last six weeks and help with the stress of going back to work. You need a plan for six weeks time anyway

That sounds really hard.

Stop paying the bills, give your DH a bottle and make him give it to your DS. It does get easier but you need to make him do his bit.

And oh yeah my goal is for my DP to sleep through the night. He can't help at night anyway and there is no point us all being awake. I've made sleeping as easy for me as possible - by bedsharing with the baby - as nights are my domain. In return I feel no guilt in passing him the baby in the mornings and having a long bath or a lie in.
If your DH is being so useless and interrupting your baths etc I'd be tempted to just leave the house and have a cup of coffee in the sun for an hour on your own. When your baby starts solids - and get your DH involved in this - extend it to two or three hours.

Ah yes once you earn well and keep separate finances you lose the right to complain and get help off your dh wtf

This sounds a nightmare, especially with the HG pregnancy, crash section, and going straight from the office to hospital! Your current level of sleep deprivation also needs fixing fast -- I think it is very hard for anyone to make good decisions when have such tiny amounts of consecutive sleep.

On a practical level, could you hire a sympathetic lactation constultant / nanny to show you how to get your EBF baby to take a bottle? I haven't had this problem myself but know others who have and the babies have always taken a bottle in the end/ after someone intervened. It strikes me that if you did this your 'D'H would be forced to take much more responsibility, e.g. taking baby and expressed breast milk over night at weekends while you sleep elsewhere.

Is he maybe nervous of looking after baby? When he came in to get you out of the bath was the baby crying? I think it is difficult to look after a baby for long periods of time if you can't feed it.

You need to find space to lay it out to him. This isn't a partnership and I imagine you'll continue to burden the vast vast majority of baby related thinking/care when you return to work.

Can you get a family member or the nanny to help with DS on sat/Sun afternoon so you can have the conversation? Go to a local coffee shop so you can discuss without resorting to an argument.

I'd tell him straight out that you need him to step up and be a dad to DS, and that he needs to sort the financial side pronto.

Practical suggestion- move to separate bedrooms for a while. You will get more sleep if you're just being woken by baby rather than H and alarm and may help to become more settled.
At the weekend baby could move to your Hs room and he can bring him through for feeds.
The rest stinks but you need sleep to tackle it.

I also think he might be depressed.

Sounds like we had very similar starts to parenting OP- I had an HG pregnancy and went into labour at work, so no mat leave. My husband is (and always has been) very supportive, which means that I'm feeling ok now.

I would suggest that as a bare minimum, he does need to commit to being home for the 7pm feed.

Does he lack confidence with the baby? Do they have anything that's their 'thing'? My husband takes DS swimming every Saturday (I sit and watch). He also gets home for bathtime most week nights, and usually takes charge of that so that I can have a rest.

Oh, and the money stuff is ludicrous.

For the night feeds I would co-sleep. That sorted all my sleep problems. I know it doesn't suit everyone but have you tried it.
Money - just withdraw your money from whatever arrangement you have - force him to fix it - though do tell him you are going to do that.
If you are going back to work in 6 weeks you will need to get baby on a bottle or sippy cup. So I agree with pp about leaving ds to husband on Fri/Sat - I would do this in the evening/daytime rather than overnight though.
Sex - well - if you give dh his nights back (and you are more rested through co-sleeping) he may be more keen. It's not unusual for libido to fall through the pg/baby months but hopefully it will pick up when things settle down.