To be increasingly filled with seething resentment towards DH

[endofmytether1000]

WARNING: extremely long! I have NCed, am a regular MNetter.

DS is 5 months old. I am on ML from a very high pressure, very high paid job. DH also has a high pressure, very high paid job that he doesn't particularly like and causes him a lot of stress (but that he will not change as he is too scared to).

DS was an ivf pregnancy due to anovulatory PCOS, and I then had HG in pregnancy which was reasonably well controlled by meds so that I could keep working. I went into labour early (37w) on my final day of work before ML started (groan) and had a very long and complicated delivery culminating in a crash section losing 2L of blood with a bladder prolapse. I am ebf and since 14 weeks DS has refused to take much from a bottle.

Because I'm ebf I have done all night waking/feedings since birth which I've been happy to do, no point both of us being up etc etc. DS doesn't sleep much during he day (the dreaded 40 minute sleep cycle!) but has been a reasonable sleeper for the most part - 1-2 night wakings and quick to resettle.

HOWEVER, now things are changing and I am becoming increasingly resentful of my dh. Am too tired to make this coherent but a few "highlights" - sorry for length but trying not to drip feed

• DS has stopped being a reasonable sleeper/resettler and is now waking at midnight, 330am and 530am. He is not actually hungry but will ofc when held to my chest eventually go for my boob. DS has also started to fight against sleeping in his cot / he wants to sleep with us/on me! So it is taking c 1-1.5hrs to resettle him, which means the sleep time between feeds is more like 1-1.5hrs. DH sleeps through all night wakings with a pillow over his head, snoring heavily. If I shake him awake to help me with settling DS he will do so under great sufferance, and if he does get DS down in his cot he will immediately go back to bed with his pillow so that when DS cries out again (because he's not properly settled) I either have to go to him myself or shake dh awake again. So I end up just feeding DS as I can't really hold him off by myself. DH is such a heavy sleeper that he sets his alarm for eg 6am - it will go off, wake me up and then I have to shake dh awake. This morning I was awake from 330-530am and then dh's alarm went off at 6am and I had to wake him
• dh constantly tells me that "we really need to push DS to take the bottle" however will not do anything to help me - I tried to introduce a dream feed with a bottle but I would go up to bed at 1030/11 after expressing and dh would be asleep with his head under the pillow and refuse to wake up. Similarly he will not commit to being home for either the 7am or bedtime feed for eg 2 weeks to get DS used to a bottle. So I have to try to give it to DS myself and obviously he won't take it from me.
• on weekends I do almost all of the child care. Dh will take him if I specifically ask but only for the minimum amount of time I ask for (eg yesterday I asked him to look after DS whilst I had a "quick bath" - I was having a nice soak and after 40 minutes dh came up to the bathroom and said "I thought you were only having a quick soak, when will you be done?"). If I want him to look after DS for multiple periods he will claim he "has to do some work today" and disappear to his study.
• dh will not use his brain AT ALL with DS - he will literally do exactly what I tell him and no more. Some recent examples - he gave DS a bath last night (he does this 1-2 nights a week), I lay out all DS sleep clothes whilst he baths him (as he "doesn't know what he should be wearing") and I put his sleeping bag on the bed. DH put it on backwards and inside out "because that's how you left it". FYI I don't care about it being on backwards but wtf?! This man has a masters degree and runs big complicated business projects at work. More seriously he has given DS too much calpol in the past because "you didn't tell me there are 2 doses in the sachet" (it's written clearly on the packet). I am so tired of having to ALL the thinking for him.
• similarly I have to do anything related to DS care eg I am looking for a full time nanny at the moment and I am doing all searching, interviewing. I research the cot and all the various bits of kit he needs. &etc
• I do not get paid ML past the first 6 weeks (crap industry) yet I am still funding 50% of all our household expenses. This includes paying rent, all bills and expenses plus 50% of a mortgage on a house we are currently renovating and will move into. I have told dh that I think this is unfair and he keeps promising that we will "sort it out" but it is never the right time to talk about it
• our sex life is non existent as dh has lost his libido. We had sex once in the third trimester of my pregnancy and have had sex once since he was born. Before that it was slowly slipping to once a month territory. I am trying not to pressure dh but he literally has no interest in me at all and i find that really hard.

On the other hand, I do have help - I have a part time nanny 2x a week for 4 hours. Dh keeps saying "get more help" but it is difficult to find part time help plus ofc DS doesn't take a bottle so it doesn't really free me to do much during the day as I always have to be available to feed.

All this is coming to a head I think because I now have chronic sleep deprivation - I haven't had more than 4 hours straight sleep since DS was born and the last 3 weeks not more than 1.5 hours at a time. I had zero maternity leave pre baby (literally went from office to hospital) and had a very stressful run up to leaving plus ofc was still vomiting from the HG so was not well rested going into this. Plus I have had a very slow recovery from my section and have not been able to do sufficient amounts of exercise to help that. I feel like I am doing childcare 24/7, shouldering 50% of my financial obligations and do not have a functioning marital relationship, whilst my husband basically continues with his pre kids life and is perfectly happy. I am going back to work in 6 weeks and am beyond stressed about it. Sometimes when I am trying to settle DS at night and he is snoring next to me I want to commit violence. But I also know i am hormonal and sleep deprived so am not sure what to do about it.

Not sure what I really want from this post other than somewhere to vent! Thank you for making it this far :)

Speak to him. Hard to do in current sleep deprived state. Is this just what he expected or is he just lost atm? If the latter tell him he needs to step up and that clearly he has the intelligence and resources to do so and you expect it of him. Tell him you're knackered and he should come up with suggestions for divvying up tasks etc. Do not allow male learned incompetence to take root. If this is his expected scenario I don't know what to say except chuck money at the childcare situation ancient make plans to separate.

Did you talk about your expectations when you discussed parenthood?

I think when you DH suggested you get more help, he was telling you that he doesn't want to do it. I would take him at his word and buy in the help you need to cover the jobs he isn't doing (starting with getting help with feeding). It will be much less stressful than trying to force your DH to pull his weight when he's clearly not inclined to do so. And he needs to pay for the extra help as it's covering his half of the parenting care.

I'm not saying his behaviour is fair, of course he should pull his weight. I'm just saying, deal with the situation as it is, rather than exhausting yourself trying to get him to step up when there is another option.

And in the meantime, you've learned something important, and not especially flattering, about him. But maybe he has other positive traits that compensate that you might remember when you're not completely exhausted/sleep-deprived.

Also, I second the vote for sleeping in a separate bedroom with your dc until the nighttime feeding settles down. I was a single parent by the time my third dc was two weeks old and it definitely saved me.

I think ( I know hard to say) OP you really just need to have a word wih him. We are all very very good at getting annoyed with DH's and their behaviour but not very good at communicating our annoyance to them!

If you write a list of all things you need to talk to him about and just say to him I need to talk to you about stuff that is bothering me and I just need you to listen and then we'll talk about it afterwards.

If you take a reasonable approach to airing your issues you will normally get a reasonable response. What does strike me as an issue though is that I was in a very mentally and financially abusive relationship for 4 years with a man and our finances were the same as you... He dictated the amount of money I had to provide to the household and it was non-negotiable. This is not a way you can live as a couple, you need joint finances, I earn about £500 more a month than DH and he is irresponsible with money (overspending) but we still have joint finances! It's our family pot.

IVF and infertility are known for causing women to become depressed and anxious. But they can have similar effects on men too. It sounds like he hasn't bonded at all.

I agree with the "copy and paste the post above" idea; it might help him understand better if he doesn't already.

So you had a shit pregnancy, worked up to the day you went into labour, had EMCS, have a 5 month old, are renovating a house and you're already going for work meetings(why? Are you going back soon? In which case I'd stop BFing) and have a H who does nothing.

No wonder you're shattered with all this in your plate!

Practically, I would crack the bottle feeding, get in 2 nannys for a week, day and night and let them take him for feeding. It's the only way to do it if your H isn't going to help.

Secondly make H sleep in a separate room so he isn't waking you at 6.30.
Thirdly tell DH you are sorting all this out as usual and if he then doesn't step up you or he will be leaving.
Finally tell your H you will stop all your money for direct debits on Sunday, so he has the week to sort out him putting more money into the house.

You know what? STOP solving all his share of the problems - so all these posts suggesting you hire a nanny/cleaner/etc., he's depressed so you get him to a GP, etc. Just tell him, you are not being a partner or father in this. You need to step up. If he counters with 'How? Tell me how? I don't know how?' You tell him, 'USE YOUR BRAIN! NO one trained me up.'

And the 50/50, nope. I wouldn't bother transferring it.

No more laying things out, no more giving him warnings, you just leave and leave him with his own child.

He's doing this deliberately. Because he's telling you that this is all your job because you're a woman, and fuck all this 'Men don't get it' or 'Men don't do babies' or 'You just hire it all out.'

You are expecting far too much of your husband. Let it go and get a nanny (or you will end up divorced - surely it would be better to at least try getting in more help before giving up on your marriage?).

Please tell me this is a joke? She's expecting far too much of her DH that she should expect him to parent his child?

FFS, it's 2017. I despair.

And it's not 'helping', it's doing his fair share of the life work.

Also a lot of people being snidey about OP having money/a nanny. How does that let her DH off the hook OR give you the right to be sneery to her?

*Some men are not good with babies.

Is he depressed?

Does he lack confidence?

Sometimes it takes a while for the father to properly bond particularly until baby is walking and talking.*

I knew these would get trotted out as an excuse: they always are. Yet MN is absolutely choc a bloc with women lacking in confidence and suffering from PND and struggling to bond with their babies.

When did anyone last use any of this to absolve a woman from the need to do actual hands-on work? EVER????

If women were excused from cleaning and changing a baby just because they hadn't bonded with them, or they didn't feel confident, there would be a lot of dead babies. And a lot of women in prison. But a man apparently doesn't have to get his hands dirty until it feels right.

No ones saying it's an excuse but it could be a reason. And if it is then it's easier to tackle then others.

NeoTrad - You are expecting far too much of your husband. Let it go and get a nanny (or you will end up divorced - surely it would be better to at least try getting in more help before giving up on your marriage?).

That is one of the most stupid and depressing posts I've read on here. What an asinine thing to say or believe.

Is it fucking 1850???

Bollocks is it a reason, this guy is just a lazy twunt.

I don't think he is depressed, this sounds like someone trying to give him an excuse. Sounds tough OP and I can fully empathise as I had an experience that was similar in quite a few ways.

The first thing that would help would be sleeping in separate rooms. If he isn't helping at all why is he still sharing your room and disturbing you? If you don't have a spare room he should sleep in the sofa.

Maybe he could spend a few hours with the nanny and you could go out/sleep and he could learn what to do from her? That way there isn't the emotional connection with her and she is a professional so can outline tasks in a clear and calm way. Also she can't bf so he should be able to do everything she can.

I agree that whether OP is a millionaire or not, that is NOT the important thing here.

OP's Dh does not want to be a parent to their DC. You can't hire another parent, ffs!

You need to stand your ground.
Remind him that parenting and looking after your ds is BITH your responsibility. It's doesn't matter if you are on ML, the looking after (esp at the weekends!), bath, putting to bed etc... is something you should BOTH do.

I canrelated to the fact there is a point whenits clear you have a baby that doesn't need the boob anymore but to be settled back down. And that's something you can both do.
I struggled like hell to have DH doing it (he would sleep though it and nIt hear him - because he didn't feel responsible for getting up).
So we had some 'talks' and I did wake him up each and every single time it was needed. And i made him get up again when DC wasn't settled properly. Every. Time. Just like with a Toddler.

I would also start to go out. If your DH thinks a bottle is a good idea, then it will give the opportunity to actually give it! And you will finally have a break.

So there was I thinking that depression was a serious mental illness, not one which only impacted on one part of your life - the part which handly enough has your wife available to pick up the slack.
Damn I wish I had that sort of depression.....

And cory said.

He is a father. Struggling to bond, being tired, being depressed in NOT a reason to do fuck all (I say that as someone who has had all of that with both dcs).
And throwing money at it isn't the answer either. Unless you want to be sure that he will never have any relationship with his own child.

There is literally nothing here to suggest that this man is depressed.

And if it was all about the difficulties of settling a baby when you can't breastfeed it would hardly make sense to hire in another female who also won't be able to breastfeed.

Ime if you are going to start mixed feeding it is much easier if the bottle is given by somebody the baby does not associate with breastfeeding, somebody who does not have boobs and does not smell of breastmilk. Somebody, in fact, like.... a man!

Christ, it would be nice if some of the posters saying the husband has depression showed a bit of concern for the OP's mental health. She's the one who went through a HG pregnancy, traumatic birth and now has chronic sleep deprivation but he must be the one struggling. How about he's just a lazy shit like so many others we read about on here.

just go out and switch your phone off. If you're feeling kind you could leave a tin of formula visable, but nobody did that for me when I had a baby so I don't see why he should need it.

He's not a child, OP. He's acting like one and you are cutting him slack like one, but he's not. If you actually were his manager, you'd have grounds to sack him.

ilove the OP isn't picking up the slack. She is doing EVERYTHING whenhe isnt lifting one finger.

Besides, the OP has had a really bad birth nd lost a hell of a lot of blood. 2L means blood transfusion or very severe anemia. The sort that you are still struggling with 6 months on. The type of situation where after having had MAJOR abdo surgery and be very aenemic, yu really need someone to pick up the slack for you. And surprise surprise, her partner, the father of the child, isn't dong anything at all.

And here I was thinking that when you et had such severe surgery with severe complication, your husband should be there to support you and pick up the slack..... A shame that didn't happen did it?

Or do you believe women in general are superhumans when it comes to babies and men are weak creatures and will collapse at the first title hurdle?

What expat said.

Your description of him lying in bed with a pillow over his head when his own child needs looking after made me want to come round and give him a good old boot up the arse so god knows how you're living with him. Or, not to be flippant as you have said its getting you down, but why you would want to have sex with such a useless sack of shit.

Oh and he doesn't even have the extra financial strain to be concerned about because OP is still paying half of everything despite not being paid as much. His life literally hasn't changed at all. Depressed my arse.