wife ends up falling out with all her friends and ending contact

[jatek]

My wife has just informed me that she has ended all contact with a close friend of hers because someone told her she got drunk and divulged sensitive information about her. This is a friend who found her accommodation when she was homeless, bought her gifts for herself and our Daughter, advocated for her when she got accused of a crime she didn't commit. She has been a very true friend to her. Yes it does look likely she got drunk at a hen do and told people something she shouldn't have, but I don't think it was anywhere near bad enough to end a friendship over.

This is just the latest person she's cut contact with. Prior to this she had another friend. A really nice person. This friend told my Wife that she had had an abortion. My Wife later said she didn't want to stay in contact. Her reasoning was it was insensitive because she was struggling with infertility. I agree it may not be the most sensitive thing to say to someone struggling to conceive but we all make mistakes socially. And that was her friend. My Wife and I now have a two year old.

Before that there was a friend who she sent a really nasty letter too because she had not visited her for three months and my wife lived down the hall. She felt rejected and wrote a letter which she put under her flat door. This must have felt quite intimidating. My Wife later cut contact because 'she never made enough effort'.

My Wife is lucky in that she has loving parents, a Brother and 5 Cousins who she hasn't fallen out with and she meets up with. But she is still lonely as she doesn't have any friends. Women to hang out with.

Whenever she meets a new friends I'm just waiting for her to find fault in them and the inevitable fall out.

She's a great Mum, is very kind and empathetic most of the time. She's a very good Wife too. She is educated and has a good job and good relationships with her family. However for some reason she always goes on the defensive with female friends, looking for them to fail her and falter and she immediately becomes aggressive and ends all contact. It's like she expecting them to be perfect but at the same times waiting for them to slip up.

I felt compelled to apologise to the last friend she ended contact with as she had been so good to her. She replied by saying 'you know if it wasn't this it would have been something else. She would have found a reason to end contact anyway'.

It is so true and really brought home to me that she will never have lasting friendships if she stays like this. I've spoken to her about it but she is adamant she is being reasonable and her friends have ended up being backstabbing bitches!

AIBU to think it's my wife with the problem? Or do these friends seem to deserve being 'cut off' ?

I think there ought to be better definitions here. Of people I think are my real friends..ie people I've fully emotionally bonded with, these kind of issues don't arise as they get dissolved in the emotional connection. Of people I know well, but haven't fully bonded with, if they are absolute cunts, cutting them off is possible and likely, as people you know well but haven't bonded with fully are not going to have a mutual 'lets be upset together' rebonding. Then there are aquaintances that are even further away. For me these are people who you talk about stuff with but never are really talking about each other when you do so, or people in shops you talk to, or people you might stop and talk to, but could just as easily say hi and walk past.

It really makes a difference here as the first group would really year my soul out if we really fell out, but if I don't see them for years I don't regard it as a falling out at all. The second set, if there's no weirdness great, if there is, it would be a little painful, but not devastating, and I'm happy to lose this type if they get too controlling or betray me (note this category has included early relationship partners too) the third I'm unlikely to actually fall out with or feel betrayed by as though I sort of care half-heartedly, in the grand scheme of things...I don't.

Which category were we talking g about with your wife?

Er yes you must be 'mentally ill' if you don't tolerate rabid Tories

I don't think politics is worth falling out with good friends. I think all politicians are as bad as each other.

It's an interesting topic and I think a key issue is whether she is lonely as the OP believes, or just wanting to cut to the chase...some people have talked about 'navigating friendships' but for me I would be the same if a friend shared my personal info when drunk, or talked about an abortion if I was having fertility issues. In my experience, people don't change ..I find now with the kids, amount of stuff going on/to do etc that I just don't have the energy to bother with 'friends' unless they really are! Otherwise they drain my energy and time! I notice that some women need to chat a lot, but I need time alone to recharge. Mental health is too quickly thrown in to discussions when actually people are different. Some people can let friends go.