wife ends up falling out with all her friends and ending contact

[jatek]

My wife has just informed me that she has ended all contact with a close friend of hers because someone told her she got drunk and divulged sensitive information about her. This is a friend who found her accommodation when she was homeless, bought her gifts for herself and our Daughter, advocated for her when she got accused of a crime she didn't commit. She has been a very true friend to her. Yes it does look likely she got drunk at a hen do and told people something she shouldn't have, but I don't think it was anywhere near bad enough to end a friendship over.

This is just the latest person she's cut contact with. Prior to this she had another friend. A really nice person. This friend told my Wife that she had had an abortion. My Wife later said she didn't want to stay in contact. Her reasoning was it was insensitive because she was struggling with infertility. I agree it may not be the most sensitive thing to say to someone struggling to conceive but we all make mistakes socially. And that was her friend. My Wife and I now have a two year old.

Before that there was a friend who she sent a really nasty letter too because she had not visited her for three months and my wife lived down the hall. She felt rejected and wrote a letter which she put under her flat door. This must have felt quite intimidating. My Wife later cut contact because 'she never made enough effort'.

My Wife is lucky in that she has loving parents, a Brother and 5 Cousins who she hasn't fallen out with and she meets up with. But she is still lonely as she doesn't have any friends. Women to hang out with.

Whenever she meets a new friends I'm just waiting for her to find fault in them and the inevitable fall out.

She's a great Mum, is very kind and empathetic most of the time. She's a very good Wife too. She is educated and has a good job and good relationships with her family. However for some reason she always goes on the defensive with female friends, looking for them to fail her and falter and she immediately becomes aggressive and ends all contact. It's like she expecting them to be perfect but at the same times waiting for them to slip up.

I felt compelled to apologise to the last friend she ended contact with as she had been so good to her. She replied by saying 'you know if it wasn't this it would have been something else. She would have found a reason to end contact anyway'.

It is so true and really brought home to me that she will never have lasting friendships if she stays like this. I've spoken to her about it but she is adamant she is being reasonable and her friends have ended up being backstabbing bitches!

AIBU to think it's my wife with the problem? Or do these friends seem to deserve being 'cut off' ?

OP when you say your wife has a "loving family", are you 100% certain there's no back story? Because this is quite unusual behaviour without good reason. It does sound as if she's quite unhappy and pushing people away. It could be that she has Narcissistic tendencies and is devaluing and discarding before they discard her. But equally, she might have MH problems.

Sounds to me as if she might benefit from counselling rather than you being unsympathetic and seemingly caring more about your wife's friends than you do about her mental health. If I went behind my DH's back to his friends and started apologising for him, he would be livid.

Also not wise to ask "the internet" to guess the many reasons why your wife seems to be having problems. Just my 2p worth.

OP from reading this thread you need to be careful that your children do not grow up thinking that this is a normal way to behave.

In truth I don't know how you can do that except to expose them to YOUR friendship ideals. For example that you stand by a friend whatever happens (almost!) because they are a friend and that is what true friends do. That true friends are there for each other in shit as well as in roses. That friendship means accepting that person also has warts, same as you do. Sort of thing.

OP this is not your business.

Blimey!
Of course it is! Especially if they have mutual friends and how about if the kids grow up thinking it is ok to treat friends like this???!!!

I'm not surprised you're concerned OP it sounds like she's not the easiest going person in the world. There are kind of unwritten rules in friendships such as not copping off with other half, betraying trust with secrets etc. Some people's lines are very thin and you can't get anywhere with them.
I've got a friend like this and it's exhausting the amount of people she's had a beef with. Even myself and our friendship has suffered because I didn't tread the line. Nothing in line with betrayal but an OTT reaction to a faux pas (?) I could throw a lot in her face about things she's done over the years but I'm not bothered about things to her level. I'm chilled out and she is super, super not chilled out and has a reputation now for it.
There's not a lot you can do only be on her side, I wouldn't interfere when this happens. I know my DH wouldn't. She has to decide on her own behaviour and reactions and their consequences.

I had no idea we had so many qualified mental health care professionals on Mumsnet.

It's not the OP's business.

Apologising to her friend on her behalf?

I felt compelled to apologise to the last friend

How noble of you OP.

This sounds EXACTLY like my MIL. At one point FIL, DP (who she had previously cut off contact with) and me were the only people she spoke to. It was exhausting.

Actually when someone you were fairly close to turns on you it -is- very hurtful. I think that the person's other half quietly saying 'look, im sorry this has happened' can be quite helpful and validating.

Being dropped / attacked like that is pretty unpleasant. Some people might be able to brush it off but I think quite a lot of people would question themselves. An acknowledgement that it wasn't them can be quite helpful sometimes.

OP, is your wife a member of mumsnet?

There are 2 people I know who behave in this way. Both are massively insecure and push people away for the slightest infraction because it "proves" that friend was somehow not a friend as they didn't deserve one.

Maybe she could do with a male friend?
One of my best friends is a guy and things are so easy and relaxed with him, he's a great friend and lovely to be around.

OP, is your wife a member of mumsnet?

Does it matter if she is? Is a man not entitled to seek advice on here just in case his wife might read it? we get posts from women all the time name changing in case their male partners read it. No-one ever implies that they should not be on here bad mouthing them in case they see it.

OP this is not your business. How is it not his business? It's his wife.

You sound controlling. How on earth? For allowing himself to care or to try to intervene and smooth things over between mutual friends and his wife?

I can't imagine my husband behaving like this to his friends (many of whom are also my friends) and me just shrugging and and taking no notice, or wanting to vent a bit about how unreasonable he is.

And weird. You are just being offensive now, because it's a man asking. Why are you so invested in trying to shame him? Why imply that he doesn't have a right to ask advice? Doesn't have a right to be concerned about her behaviour? Doesn't have a right to an opinion on it? Doesn't have a right to be on MN at all?

I meant NOT wanting to vent

It's amazing isn't it LaLegue. Mumsnet has page after page of women moaning about how their DH conducts themselves, one fairly measured and concerned bloke posts and he's a controlling weirdo. And people wonder why MN gets called misandrist.

I think I'm a bit like OP's wife. I see things in black and white and I have really high standards. I don't generally fight with people though, I just stop spending time with them. Definitely don't think i have BPD or NPD and I'm sure I'm not a psychopath. I guess I could be wrong though. I'm pretty sure OP's wife isn't either. I think her friends had behaved badly in all the examples given. I think it's up to her whether she continues the friendships or not. Personally I have very little time I can spend with friends so I wouldn't chose to spend that precious time with people who drunkenly divulge my secrets etc.
I think OP that apologising to wife's ex friend was really disloyal and unnecessary, you don't have to back her up if you don't agree, just keep out of it.

I don't think the wife has high standards particularly, she's just really insecure. And doesn't know how to navigate friendships.

Sounds like something's wrong. Could be repressed grief. Other symptoms- crime she didn't commit? Etc. Just skimmed your article but would suggest she needs counselling. Thing is, you don't want your wife to be isolated. It will impact on you eventually.

It is very unhelpful to offer psychiatric diagnoses on the internet. AFAIK those offering diagnoses are not Drs or psychologists; have never met the person and only have access to what a third party has posted.
OP, the only person who can offer a diagnosis (if one is needed) is a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist. Even a GP wouldn't make the guesses being made on in this thread!

We always only have access to the information the OP gives us. Probably 50% of threads we might answer to differently if we had the benefit of both sides of the story, but we don't. So we answer based on what we are told.

No-one is diagnosing anything FFS, merely observing that the woman appears to behave in a way that sounds similar to many of the characteristics of BPD.

Given that we all all safely tucked away behind our keyboards and can't rush in and demand that she's sectioned or medicated, nor can we stick a big label on her back saying WOMAN WITH BPD HERE or force her to see a mental health care professional, what difference does it make what we think or say?

I think her friends had behaved badly in all the examples given

Really? You think it's ok to dump a friend for mentioning an abortion when you have fertility issues?

Why couldn't OP's wife put her issues to one side for a moment and be supportive of her friend?

I have two friends who are completely infertile (unlike DW who now has a kid) they would never behave like that.

Op I do not think you sound controlling.

You sound reasonable and like you'd forgive friends for silly things. You want to understand your wife's behaviour. Your wife doesn't forgive easily nor is empathetic to other's individual difficulties imo.

I'd query this behaviour too. I'm not sure what can be done about it. You reap what you sow. You wife if learning this. It seems a little immature to be honest.

*Your wife is learning this.

(Or maybe she's not learning it.)

You sound concerned actually. For her and the people she is potentially upsetting.

Thank you for the replies.

I don't think my Wife has too high standards for friends. It's more a belief that they will betray her at some point and she LOOKS for signs of betrayal and will eventually find something. I feel she's rejecting them before they can reject her.I don't know this but it's what I think is probably the reason.

I worry as we live in a small place, soon she will be having to avoid everyone!

Actually, I don't feel at all bad contacting her friend. That friend was a good friend to my Wife and although I love my Wife, I wanted that friend to know I had no issue with her and I wanted to thank her for all the help she had given me in the years I've known her. We wouldn't have the house we live in now if it weren't for her. She's been a very good friend to my Wife and I couldn't end contact without saying something.

Which tool said it's not your business if your partner falls out with all their friends?! How could it not impact on their social life as a couple, or how the aggro partner raises their kids?

In my SIL's case there is definitely no MH issue. She's just incredibly insular and narrow minded. Both her parents have feuds with their siblings and haven't spoken to them in over 40 years, so the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Which is why I worry about my DNs picking up that behaviour, albeit I've never been allowed to meet them!

And the impact on my DB is significant - he hardly sees his long term mates because she's fallen out with all their wives, and he misses out on so much family stuff because she makes up having a bad back or insists they are doing something with her family that day.

And no it's definitely not controlling. That's ridiculous.

I am concerned for my Wife. My very lonely Wife who does not seem able to maintain friendships and falls out with every friend she's ever had.

It's better than not caring and if the roles were reversed no one would be calling a Wife controlling for asking this questions about her Husband.

Don't you think then OP that the way things are going it's maybe best for you to maintain your own friendships regardless of how your wife is behaving? Why should you be treading on eggshells because she's cutting people out of her life?
Of course there's loyalty to your wife but don't avoid people. If you've done nothing wrong a hello and conversation here and there is ok. She's the bridge to these friends and she's burning them.