wife ends up falling out with all her friends and ending contact

[jatek]

My wife has just informed me that she has ended all contact with a close friend of hers because someone told her she got drunk and divulged sensitive information about her. This is a friend who found her accommodation when she was homeless, bought her gifts for herself and our Daughter, advocated for her when she got accused of a crime she didn't commit. She has been a very true friend to her. Yes it does look likely she got drunk at a hen do and told people something she shouldn't have, but I don't think it was anywhere near bad enough to end a friendship over.

This is just the latest person she's cut contact with. Prior to this she had another friend. A really nice person. This friend told my Wife that she had had an abortion. My Wife later said she didn't want to stay in contact. Her reasoning was it was insensitive because she was struggling with infertility. I agree it may not be the most sensitive thing to say to someone struggling to conceive but we all make mistakes socially. And that was her friend. My Wife and I now have a two year old.

Before that there was a friend who she sent a really nasty letter too because she had not visited her for three months and my wife lived down the hall. She felt rejected and wrote a letter which she put under her flat door. This must have felt quite intimidating. My Wife later cut contact because 'she never made enough effort'.

My Wife is lucky in that she has loving parents, a Brother and 5 Cousins who she hasn't fallen out with and she meets up with. But she is still lonely as she doesn't have any friends. Women to hang out with.

Whenever she meets a new friends I'm just waiting for her to find fault in them and the inevitable fall out.

She's a great Mum, is very kind and empathetic most of the time. She's a very good Wife too. She is educated and has a good job and good relationships with her family. However for some reason she always goes on the defensive with female friends, looking for them to fail her and falter and she immediately becomes aggressive and ends all contact. It's like she expecting them to be perfect but at the same times waiting for them to slip up.

I felt compelled to apologise to the last friend she ended contact with as she had been so good to her. She replied by saying 'you know if it wasn't this it would have been something else. She would have found a reason to end contact anyway'.

It is so true and really brought home to me that she will never have lasting friendships if she stays like this. I've spoken to her about it but she is adamant she is being reasonable and her friends have ended up being backstabbing bitches!

AIBU to think it's my wife with the problem? Or do these friends seem to deserve being 'cut off' ?

I think it was rooted in his childhood and really a sense of being permanently under siege that being a child in a household involving serious conflict will give you

This is interesting as it exactly describes the upbringing the woman I know had.

Laughing at the poster who thought it was none of the OP's business.

Sounds like she has attachment issues. Avoidant, in particular.

Posted above about an ex friend reading the rest of the thread, I have realised that my sister is like this.

She is very much "one strike and you're out" with friends and as such doesnt have any out of work. I would say that I am her best friend. I think that with her it is a case of knowing that you will be treated badly so when something happens it is proof that everyone betrays you eventually so dumps the friend.

She did used to have close friends but fell out with one when the friend and her fiancee announced their honeymoon destination. Another for reasons I never did really get to the bottom of and another because they had to cancel a couple of times due to their child.

It doesnt seem to bother her, although I cant be sure. Our upbringing was outwardly fine, inwardly borderline abusive (my parents called it discipline, I call it my mother losing her shit and beating us) and my parents were on the verge of divorce for about 4/5 years and we both wished that they would just split up. They stayed together and are very happy in retirement, DSis and I paid the price for that.

My SIL is like this in a very loud dramatic victim-playing way. Other SIL is too. H however forgives anyone anything in order to keep them in his life and will believe the most outrageous things rather than call someone out on obvious lies. Their dad buggered off when they were little and although he was still in their lives, he was chaotic in his own personal life so there were several girl friends and step mothers, step siblings and half siblings, and he wasnt very reliable, then he died young.

Given that we all all safely tucked away behind our keyboards and can't rush in and demand that she's sectioned or medicated, nor can we stick a big label on her back saying WOMAN WITH BPD HERE or force her to see a mental health care professional, what difference does it make what we think or say?
Because the opinions offered can change the way that the OP perceives the woman described. It can lead to bias and labelling by the OP. It can adversely affect their relationship. There is a real underestimation in society of the negative effects of social media.
It is too easy for those who know very little to make themselves sound knowledgeable and lend an aura of credibility to what are actually only guesses by strangers.
While I would hope that the OP understands the limitations of social media advice it is preferable for those who are not qualified to avoid giving diagnoses.

and like I said, no-one is giving a diagnosis.

Although I am on another thread at the moment where someone is categorically telling an OP that her DP is mentally ill based on nothing whatsoever, except she sounds like she's swallowed too many Bundy Landcroft books and is projecting a bit. so it happens, I won't deny.

But I don't think anyone has done that on this thread.

Does the OP respect his wife, respect her judgment? It doesn't really sound like it and, I would be narked off if my partner apologised to someone I had found unfaithful and not worthy of continued friendship. I would feel undermined and disrespected by a partner doing that.

Wow OP if I didn't know any better then I would think you were my DSDad and referring to my DM. She is exactly like this and is even this way with myself and my siblings. She is a very easy to like person, extremely sociable and chatty, but if someone 'wrongs' her (sometimes they can be very in the wrong but often it's just because they have different opinions and have the gumption to express these opinions around her) then she will completely cut them out.

If a person grovels enough then she will eventually 'let them back in' but she is never the same or as close to that person.
My DM does have a best friend that she's had since they were 5, but the only reason why her friend has stuck around for so long is because she knows DM so well and refuses to give in when DM is trying to cut her out, although DM isn't nearly as close to her as she was many years ago and can be very catty about her now a days and for no reason.

You could talk to your wife about this OP, but if she is anything like my mother then I can't see her ever changing as she simply refuses to see how unreasonable she is and how unrealistic her friendship expectations are.

Deep rooted family or childhood behaviours. Maybe her parents caused her to mistrust, or did not give her a safe base to navigate the ups and downs of friendship, or maybe she had bullying or friendship issues at school. Maybe people always led her to criticise others, or maybe people criticised her a lot. Maybe she would rather reject them than have them reject her. I struggle with friendships, and I think it is because I somewhat rejected my first close childhood friend, and my second close childhood friend rejected me in favour of someone else. It hurt and I think I try not to expose myself to that now.

Me and DH had a friend like this. She fell out with us over our reaction to one small incident. I think she was depressed at the time, but afterwards I realised that every time we met her she had fallen out with someone, and would tell us dramatically how unreasonable they had been. It was sad because we liked them very much.

I know a couple of people like this. They tend to make friends very quickly, are very generous to them and it becomes quite intense (all conversation revolves round what they have been doing with and for the new friends). Then a few months later these people will have just as quickly been cut out often because their generosity hasn't been reciprocated. As a longstanding friend you get used to hearing nothing from them whilst the new friendship is being established, then you hear all about the fabulous friends and sometimes meet them, then invitations ramp up again as the new friendship is terminated.

I think some of it comes from a fear of rejection, but I also think they like to be in the role of helping other people who they see as needy in some way.

I wonder if there is something in her past which she hasn't divulged that makes her feel distrustful of others, or is there something she is ashamed about and once friends become too close she is afraid they might guess the truth?
The loving family belies this so perhaps something happened outwith the family. Or she feels 'safe' with family so doesn't see a risk with them.
I think it is something from her childhood probably - it usually is with adults' behaviour.

I cut friends quite quickly but it isn't because I am insecure or crazy. It is because I have a certain way I would like to live my life and have certain standards and values. I had an ex friend tell me they didn't trust me and I would blab all her secrets to everyone - never gave her any reason to think this and then just say they didn't care when I said that hurt me. This ex-friends was never supportive always telling me I should change myself as well. To be honest that isn't a friend so I cut her out. Why should I put up with that shit.

I have cut friends because they are not recipricol...I am generous and always there for my friends but when I need a bit of support they were nowhere one even had the cheek to say I need to be there for her more. Fuck that shit I deserve an equal friendship so yup those friends were let go.

And do you know what I don't miss a single one of them. My life is much more happier. I have a 2 friends but they are true friends who are always there for me even though we live miles away from each other. We may not talk as much can go months without talking infact but when I do call it feels like it was yesterday when I last spoke to them. I value those friendships so much more. I know they will never betray my trust, they are loyal and they are supportive.

Why would you want anything less than that? So there is nothing wrong with that as a standard and saying I deserve that type of friendship.

OP your wife has a different level of standards in what she will accept as a friendship compared to yours so YABU to apologise on her behalf..I would be livid if my OH did that. What you might think its ok to let go she might not.

I don't blame her for letting go of the friends you spoke about, why should your wife put up with that behaviour, having her trust betrayed, being sent a nasty letter etc.

It's not a different level of standards. Cutting ties with EVERY friend is rather odd behaviour. It's appropriate to pull away from friends after awful behaviour yes but to pull away regularly from everyone smacks of some kind of attachment issue.

TBH I think men find it difficult to understand the dynamics in female friendships. Without sounding patronising, women do place high standards when choosing friends, which is why we usually have a small group of very close friends - it's all about quality over quantity. Men don't analyse their friendships like we do. Maybe your DW has been unlucky in her choices of friends, and obviously it's her decision who she chooses to be part of her life.

Cutting ties with EVERY friend well yes get rid of them if they aren't being the friends you want. Why should you pull away and still have people around you who aren't adding anything positive to your life.

Doesn't mean a person has a problem like mental health issues or attachment issues, maybe they just don't want shit around them or waste time and energy on people who clearly dont value them enough to behave in an appropriate manner.

I've had several fall outs with people over the years. I find that people expect too much from me and mentally I can't cope. Then I have to cut people off. Could it be the same issue?she can't cope with other people's expectations of her?

It's so kind for you to want to help your wife. There may be an underlying issue - speak to your dr about options for help. Someone who is lonely might also have depression and be able to get some behavioural therapy on the Nhs.
Importantly, I went to a parenting course that said children often learn friendship behaviours from their parents - so without meaning to your wife is likely to pass these traits to your daughter.

It's called Borderline Personality Disorder.

This behaviour is a symptom of borderline personality disorder. And I say that as someone who has experienced a close friendship with someone who was diagnosed and I am married to a psychiatrist. That is not to say the OP's wife necessarily has BPD, but it is something to be aware of as self harm and even suicidial thoughts are more common. Hopefully she doesn't have these, but important to be mindful and get support earlier rather than later if it is a possibility.

Fgs, it's not borderline personality disorder to cut out friends who have betrayed her, been thoughtless when she was vulnerable or who ignored her for three months.

If anyone came on here and asked what they should do about a friend who shared a very personal secret about them while drunk, a sizeable number would say cut them off, you can't trust them.

If someone came on to ask what they should do about a friend upsetting them by banging on about their abortion while they were struggling to conceive, they would be told to cut if that made them feel better.

If they asked what to do about someone who lived a few doors down who ignored them for three months, they would be told to leave them be, they're obviously not friends anymore!!!

These responses claiming she has attachment issues or personality disorder are ridiculous. Op is going to destroy his marriage if he listens to this and starts undermining her and treating her like a medical problem. Having standards for friends is normal. Not everybody is desperate enough to put up with toxic, damaging or annoying people.

Hilda, those are just three examples though. The OP has said it happens whenever she makes friends. And he describes the end of the relationships as involving aggression and intimidation on his wife's part.

Of course there's nothing wrong with dropping friends if they do something unpleasant, but if it happens with every single friendship and involves an unnecessary amount of vitriol those are big red flags.

Those are the three examples he used to show how 'unreasonable' she is, in each one she was justified in ending the friendship. She cuts them off. He says nothing about vitriol except she sent one former friend a letter after being ignored for three months.

We can't diagnose someone we haven't met and I'm not going to take the word of a man who thinks his wife should tolerate people who share private information about her, upset her, ignore her...

I don't think she was justified in ending them at all. She clearly has no idea how to navigate difficulties in friendships and cuts people off rather than working through problems.

A woman I was housemates with at university has recently had a hissy fit on FB and unfriended a load of people. She has always been into left leaning politics and doesn't understand that lots of people don't care about politics like she does. I used to follow her on FB because she posted quite funny things but lately every post is about how much she hates the Conservatives. Then the other week she posted this diatribe about how she had broken off friendship with another woman because that woman had said she was voting Tory. My old friend said that if anyone on FB was going to vote in a similar way, they could f#ck off and she couldn't be friends with a Conservative because they had no soul!!!
I knew at uni she got depressed but now I think she is seriously mentally ill. I haven't seen her for years but I know her Mum died a while back.
Do you think I should suggest she gets help?