wife ends up falling out with all her friends and ending contact

[jatek]

My wife has just informed me that she has ended all contact with a close friend of hers because someone told her she got drunk and divulged sensitive information about her. This is a friend who found her accommodation when she was homeless, bought her gifts for herself and our Daughter, advocated for her when she got accused of a crime she didn't commit. She has been a very true friend to her. Yes it does look likely she got drunk at a hen do and told people something she shouldn't have, but I don't think it was anywhere near bad enough to end a friendship over.

This is just the latest person she's cut contact with. Prior to this she had another friend. A really nice person. This friend told my Wife that she had had an abortion. My Wife later said she didn't want to stay in contact. Her reasoning was it was insensitive because she was struggling with infertility. I agree it may not be the most sensitive thing to say to someone struggling to conceive but we all make mistakes socially. And that was her friend. My Wife and I now have a two year old.

Before that there was a friend who she sent a really nasty letter too because she had not visited her for three months and my wife lived down the hall. She felt rejected and wrote a letter which she put under her flat door. This must have felt quite intimidating. My Wife later cut contact because 'she never made enough effort'.

My Wife is lucky in that she has loving parents, a Brother and 5 Cousins who she hasn't fallen out with and she meets up with. But she is still lonely as she doesn't have any friends. Women to hang out with.

Whenever she meets a new friends I'm just waiting for her to find fault in them and the inevitable fall out.

She's a great Mum, is very kind and empathetic most of the time. She's a very good Wife too. She is educated and has a good job and good relationships with her family. However for some reason she always goes on the defensive with female friends, looking for them to fail her and falter and she immediately becomes aggressive and ends all contact. It's like she expecting them to be perfect but at the same times waiting for them to slip up.

I felt compelled to apologise to the last friend she ended contact with as she had been so good to her. She replied by saying 'you know if it wasn't this it would have been something else. She would have found a reason to end contact anyway'.

It is so true and really brought home to me that she will never have lasting friendships if she stays like this. I've spoken to her about it but she is adamant she is being reasonable and her friends have ended up being backstabbing bitches!

AIBU to think it's my wife with the problem? Or do these friends seem to deserve being 'cut off' ?

I had a friend like this. She's very charming and makes friends easily but the problem comes when she 'chooses' a friend that she wants to separate from everyone else.

She wants that person to be only her friend and tries to ruin their friendships with everyone else, it's utterly bizarre. When she realises that the chosen one actually wants to remain friends with other people as well as her, she turns on them. She said the most awful things about me, made up stories etc.

She has a reputation now as someone who just goes through people (I can think of 6 in the past 3/4 years) but she'll never actually be able to have a genuine friendship because her motives are not genuine.

Some friendships are for life and others are in passing. I've never defriended anyone. But I have been defriended and treated appallingly. It's very hurtful.

It is incredibly stressful when you're in a friendship like this. I think what this friend said to you was that she knew she had to toe the line with your wife and one way or another she wasn't going to be able to do it forever.

Yes your wife has a problem. She sounds highly narcissistic and totally unforgiving of others failures. She may have a personality disorder or has psychopathic tendencies. Something here is amiss.

I was going to say that this could be about self esteem too.

Leading to a :"I'll reject you before you reject me" stance

Or it could be something less attractive

I think she'd need to identify it as a problem and seek help to discover what underlies it. Doesn't sound like she has any insight into it

Whatever the underlying cause, I imagine have implications for your relationship???

Wasn't Diana similar, i.e. freezing out friends when they fell out of favour?

I would find it quite scary being married to someone like this. In fact I was married to someone a bit like this, a long time ago. Fundamentally he didn't trust anyone. I think it was rooted in his childhood and really a sense of being permanently under siege that being a child in a household involving serious conflict will give you, with a really strong sense of rejection from his mother that made him assume women would let him down. I'm afraid to say that me leaving him will only have confirmed that lack of security

Ultimately she is an adult and you can't and shouldn't control her relationships with other people, but I think if you find that this situation brings up issues from your own relationship, it could be that telling her you are upset or worried about those issues - not her friendships - would be really legitimate. I wonder if you could have some couples counselling. She might really need to have a male counsellor though.

I had a friend like this, as a previous poster mentioned - BPD. She was also like it with men - the instant that they didn't text her back on time or mentioned an ex girlfriend or something they were gone ✂️ Completely black and white.

She would get so upset and frustrated with men not reaching her impossible standards which was also frustrating as a friend. I suggested that she should try to relax a little about a guy not being able to text her back instantly and that was the sudden end of our year long friendship.

It is very unhelpful to offer psychiatric diagnoses on the internet. AFAIK those offering diagnoses are not Drs or psychologists; have never met the person and only have access to what a third party has posted.
OP, the only person who can offer a diagnosis (if one is needed) is a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist. Even a GP wouldn't make the guesses being made on in this thread!

I used to be like this, I'd be really upset if I felt people were treating me badly if they let me down. I think it was insecurity, I thought they didn't like me much and then when they maybe cancelled a night out I'd see that as proof they weren't really my friend and I would then end the friendship. I was always really sensitive to peoples body language too and would be constantly see things as proof that I wasn't very liked.
I'm obviously more confident now as I've got plenty of friendships going back over 25 years. I am very loyal though and still get extremely pissed off if people don't show me the same loyalty I show them.

I'm like this. I probably have a distrust of women and expect them to stab me in the back and leave me out. I am a good friend but I do cut people out if they don't meet my standards. Part of the problem is I never think there's any point in telling people how I feel and so I find it easier to just step away. I'm in the process of stepping away from someone I was close to because she bitches about someone all the time but then is always with her. Part of me feels it's not my business but I think it's naive to think if she's doing it to her she won't be doing it about me. Also every year when it's DSs birthday she drops off the radar, doesn't bother to even wish him happy birthday until it's her DDs birthday then she reconnects.

they all sound like valid reasons to me.

she has a loving and supportive family, a DH who she treats like shit but who still stands by her and 2 kids who adore her but one in particular is turning out just like its mum. The other one she is less keen on as she doesn't fall in to line like its sibling does

I had a friend like this. She turned out to be thoroughly toxic and went through friends like most people went through underwear. Best decision I ever made was to cut her and her equally vile second child out of my life.

Well she sounds pretty cold and horrible to end so many friendships and to hold grudges like that.

Hopefully She doesn't turn on you or your daughter!!!

You're wife is a people user. Once they have served their purpose she discards them. I too once had a friend like this. Looking back, we, her now ex-friends can recognsise the traits of a psychopath - no empathy, an extreme social butterfly, master manipulator, compulsive almost pathological liar, never wrong etc etc but so very very plausible.

This is an ex friend of mine. She decided it was my turn to be ignored then decided that actually she needed me as most of the rest of our friendship group had started not including her. I tried to forgive but couldn't, so I walked away. She's doing her usual of trying to get her side over to people we mutually know. Whereas I've said nothing unless some asks me about it and I reply " Sadly we are no longer friends"

I should have stayed away when I saw her go after numerous people in the past and always played the victim! But she will never change! She can only help herself! Unfortunately she likes the victim status too much.

Just a thought , is he an only child ? My friend is and doesn't understand a mini argument ? She thinks it's the end of the world because she didn't have the squabbles when she was growing up .

I immediately thought BPD as well. It's known that sufferers have a pattern of short intense relationships where they become very close to people and think they're wonderful, are hyper sensitive for perceived rejection, then drop them and instantly go from highly valuing them to hating them and seeing them as worthless.

Nobody is giving her a diagnosis online, but the OP is asking for advice, and it may well be useful for him to know there is a possibility it could be rooted in deeper psychological issues rather than just being high standards or bad luck.

Christ, is your wife my SIL?

It's pretty toxic in my SIL's case. She has zero friends and has cut my DB and their kids off from his family in a very nasty way. I would encourage her to work on tolerance - not only for her own sake but also for your DC's. I worry that if my DNs have arguments at school, as they will, that my SIL will give them terrible advice on how to handle it!

Could she have depression? I lost a few friends when I had pnd due to my black and white thinking

I was going to say that this could be about self esteem too.

Leading to a :"I'll reject you before you reject me" stance

Yes, I thought this. I had a friend who kept pushing me and another friend away. Mind you she had a mental illness. Eventually we lost contact with her as she got really nasty.

The thing is, it is not a particularly good example that your children may follow as being the right way to treat people. The best friendships are those where you acknowledge each other's faults (my friend and I certainly do) have a few rows but get it off our chest and carry on as normal!

I'm not sure sure about this. It does sound a bit extreme. Mind you, endless threads here about being 'wendied'. I was dumped, by a school mum, quite a few years ago and it was extremely painful. I have plenty of other Close friends, more now, but let's not belittle the upset she may be feeling.

Hmm

Sounds like a Borderline to me.

My mum is lik this. Any minor disagreement cuts you off. Husbands her sister. Lots of friends for stupid reasons e.g. Don't like the sound of friends daughters child I've never met. Then she did it to me. Didn't want to live with her any mor. Cut me off started court cases

Is a serious condition that gets worse. They always have one 'of the moment' friend / victim they do victim act / love bomb. Max time that 'close fried ship' lasts is about 1y

I could probably name 20 people my mum 'befriends' or uses - takes from physically, emotionally, support. She is incapable of returning a single favour. People bend over backwards as she appears intelligent and acts a victim. But then turns on them for any reason

Lists of reasons I know if for falling out

• lack of central heating temp in home
• too spiritual (a psychic she used for predicitions)
• grandchildren she never met too rough
• idea about her station (friend who worked in. Tesco) odd one
• 'two headed monster on the phone'
• (niece) had PND 5y ago so don't like her
• nephews wedding was badly organised so never speak to again
• brink friends new boyfriend is married so will end friendships without asking her
• sister will be angry so I'll secretly move away and never speak to again
• her daughter is naughty and she is jealous of my daughter so I'll ignore her and avoid her from now on

You get the picture .

Spent years trying to 'up' the reputation of people and explain unreasonableness of her.

Ultimately she turned on me and my husband.

Now just has 2 adult kids left speaking to her one of whom moved abroad to escape her . She's only 61 . Lonely life but she refuses help

OP this is not your business.

You sound controlling.

And weird.

Of course it is his business. My husband and I are friendly with each others' friends and if my DH kept cutting them out it would affect me as well.

I have EUPD aka borderline personality disorder, this sounds like how I used to behave. I now don't have friends because I can't deal with them emotionally.