wife ends up falling out with all her friends and ending contact

[jatek]

My wife has just informed me that she has ended all contact with a close friend of hers because someone told her she got drunk and divulged sensitive information about her. This is a friend who found her accommodation when she was homeless, bought her gifts for herself and our Daughter, advocated for her when she got accused of a crime she didn't commit. She has been a very true friend to her. Yes it does look likely she got drunk at a hen do and told people something she shouldn't have, but I don't think it was anywhere near bad enough to end a friendship over.

This is just the latest person she's cut contact with. Prior to this she had another friend. A really nice person. This friend told my Wife that she had had an abortion. My Wife later said she didn't want to stay in contact. Her reasoning was it was insensitive because she was struggling with infertility. I agree it may not be the most sensitive thing to say to someone struggling to conceive but we all make mistakes socially. And that was her friend. My Wife and I now have a two year old.

Before that there was a friend who she sent a really nasty letter too because she had not visited her for three months and my wife lived down the hall. She felt rejected and wrote a letter which she put under her flat door. This must have felt quite intimidating. My Wife later cut contact because 'she never made enough effort'.

My Wife is lucky in that she has loving parents, a Brother and 5 Cousins who she hasn't fallen out with and she meets up with. But she is still lonely as she doesn't have any friends. Women to hang out with.

Whenever she meets a new friends I'm just waiting for her to find fault in them and the inevitable fall out.

She's a great Mum, is very kind and empathetic most of the time. She's a very good Wife too. She is educated and has a good job and good relationships with her family. However for some reason she always goes on the defensive with female friends, looking for them to fail her and falter and she immediately becomes aggressive and ends all contact. It's like she expecting them to be perfect but at the same times waiting for them to slip up.

I felt compelled to apologise to the last friend she ended contact with as she had been so good to her. She replied by saying 'you know if it wasn't this it would have been something else. She would have found a reason to end contact anyway'.

It is so true and really brought home to me that she will never have lasting friendships if she stays like this. I've spoken to her about it but she is adamant she is being reasonable and her friends have ended up being backstabbing bitches!

AIBU to think it's my wife with the problem? Or do these friends seem to deserve being 'cut off' ?

jatek Is there any reason why you can't continue to be friends with that particular friend even if your wife chooses not to be?

Must be difficult for OP as her husband feeling like you have to apologise on her behalf, your wife sounds like she has serious problems maintaining friendships an becomes needy and quite aggressive when people don't live up to her high expectations. She has to learn that humans aren't perfect and she sounds like she is less than perfect as we all are. Your wife sounds like the kind of person I would stay well clear of, I have met people like this and as an adult and not a teenager it's really hard work and no friendship should be a bind. Don't know what words of wisdom to give but maybe she went through something in her formative years which would cause her to be this way. I feel sad for her, the world can be full of goodness.

I am a happy sociophobe.

My ex had many many friends and he constantly tried to steer me into making and maintaining friendships with other women. He voiced his concerns about me to mutual friends. Ideas about me being lonely ( which I wasn''t)

It was tiresome, intrusive and controlling.
My OH ( now of 20 years) is also a happy sociophobe- so he gets it too.
It's refreshing not being seen as a "problem".

I am guessing that she never thinks it's her fault though which makes it very tricky to navigate. OP I think that was nice of you to apologise to the friend.

I have or had a friend like your wife, she is lovely and sociable and yet every single friend she has ever had ends up being cut off or rejected (usually over issues with her children and their children). I feel so sorry for her poor DH as he is a nice guy but must really suffer because of her actions. She has got worse as she's got older, really sad to see, she just stops talking to you and that's that! Never allowed back in the fold.

Seriously, you are all diagnosing this woman as having a personality disorder when she has valid reasons for her behaviour! Bloody hell.

One friend bitched about her while drunk. That would be gone for me.
Another friend ignored her for 3 months despite living next door. Gone.com
Another friend banged on about an abortion despite knowing the poster's wife was trying to conceive. This one I don't really know about as I've never suffered infertility, but I know women who have and know it is all-consuming.

Your wife is perfectly sane OP. Her friends leave a lot to be desired.

OP - I think you're calling them friends when really they're probably merely acquaintances. If you have one true friend in the world, you are rich.
My one and only friend would not A, bitch about me behind my back, B, ignore me for 3 months or C, totally ignore my infertility to talk about abortion.

Sounds very like my sister. At first someone (or a job) is perfect she is evangelical about them - while they're of use to her. The second they stop being useful she is looking for a reason to fall out/quit job (if she doesn't get sacked first). I am Nc with her myself (yes my sister) because she lies a lot, manipulates people, guilt trips people.

She can actually throw a tantrum like a toddler if things don't go her way, which is actually quite frightening to witness in a grown woman.

I have no advice I'm afraid as in my experience people like this don't change. (I've also worked with someone like this and was once friends with another).

But good luck because you'll likely need it 🍀

I don't think my Wife has too high standards for friends. It's more a belief that they will betray her at some point and she LOOKS for signs of betrayal and will eventually find something. I feel she's rejecting them before they can reject her.I don't know this but it's what I think is probably the reason.

This is me. To a T. I know the reasons I am like this but can't seem to get past them.

I suspect, like me, she is very lonely.

I also had the misfortune to make close friends with two women at separate times, who both died far too young. I feel like a Jonah.

I am close friends with a woman online with whom I have a lot in common. She knows near enough everything there is to know about me and vice versa.. we have known each other over five years. She wants to drive over and spend a day together and the thought TERRIFIES me. I know I will lose her friendship if we meet and am sat here close to tears at the very thought.

Your wife does need some counselling (as do I, but now really too old to get into it) She needs to learn that not all people are the same, but most have faults. If they are friends you overlook those faults and carry on. I do find it surprising that she is in a (happy?) married relationship without needing to find the same faults in you? You seem a kind and caring person; not many men would brave MN to seek help and advice for their wife.

She will argue against counselling because she has convinced herself that her attitude is right. You will need a great deal of empathy and understanding to talk her into it without appearing to be criticising her yourself.

Maybe she could do with a male friend?
One of my best friends is a guy and things are so easy and relaxed with him, he's a great friend and lovely to be around.

Right, because women are never easy, relaxed, great friend or lovely to be around.

Someone like your wife did this to me. She was an all or nothing person, whereas I'm more live and let live. It really really upset me for a long time as I didn't understand what I had done to be so horribly spoken to. It's horrible being on the receiving end of it.

jatek Is there any reason why you can't continue to be friends with that particular friend even if your wife chooses not to be?

I suspect if he did that then the wife would view that as a betrayal too, I know that my ex friend would. As far as she was concerned "I" equals "We" in terms of cutting people off.

Why do so many of the men who post here capitalise Wife and Husband? Or is it just the same man? :)

I'd also think of self-esteem problems making her paranoid. Ends up a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not very nice for either party concerned.

I know someone like this OP.

When I moved offices a few years ago, she worked on Reception at the building next door. From the moment I moved in, she made a bee-line for me and suggested straight away that we should go out together for drinks. She was warm, charming, friendly so I agreed. She was a little bit older than me so I thought she was just 'taking me under her wing.' As time went on, it became clear that she'd burned many, many friendship bridges and hadn't had a relationship for 20 years.

Any men were discarded after a couple of months if they didn't pay for everything, ring her every day, respond immediately to texts etc. This also appeared to be the case with female friends and employers. The mere hint of a perceived slight would have her walking out of her job, ending a friendship or dumping a date.

I knew her for two years and knew by then that my time to be dumped was due and it happened when I didn't tell her immediately that I'd attended a meeting with other colleagues with someone she'd dated the previous year. I told her the next day instead as she rushed to get off the phone the day before so I hadn't had chance to tell her. It was all very odd. When I told her, she immediately asked if he'd asked about her and I said of course not, we didn't speak and how would he know I knew you. She put the phone down and wouldn't speak to me again.

I think it's a combination of paranoia, entitlement and insecurity in her case.

If your wife admits to having a problem then the only option is counselling. If she doesn't see it as being her problem then I'm not sure there is an answer. Has she tried male friends instead?

My mother has BPD and op I totally understand why you feel the need to apologise for your wife's behaviour. I too am not in favour of mn amateur mh diagnoses but what you're saying rings bells for me. I've spent my whole life with a mother who behaves the same way and apologising for everything becomes second nature. You apologise to them because nothing you do is ever right and you apologise to other people because it's so humiliating having to mop up their outrageous unreasonable behaviour. I had to offer a grovelling apology to a taxi driver once when my mother was horrifically rude to him because he committed the heinous sin of having the radio on in his cab! The micromanaging becomes very very wearing after a while.

I had a friend like this.
Friendships would be verrry intense and go from 0-60 quickly, and then you'd be cut out for a minor reason (mine was she was having an affair, and was telling her husband she was spending time with me. I asked her not to use me as an excuse). Unfriended on Facebook, attempts at Wendying me with other friends (thankfully unsuccessful)

A few years later, she sent me a Facebook request which I accepted, and the pattern continues

She meets a New Best Friend at school, the gym, the hairdressers and there is a continuous barrage of photos of them doing everything together, holidays, nights out, dinners. And then you don't see that other woman again, and a new BFF appears.

She is very pretty and smart and charismatic, so attracts friends easily but I think gets bored very quickly

I had a friend like this. Interesting, highly educated, assertive - however this is coupled with massive control freakery and an inability to accept that she is ever wrong or that any suggestion made however small and insignificant is anything other than a huge personal criticism. She starts off friends with people but ruins it every single time because she goes overboard at the slightest imagined deviation from what she considers is correct.
Despite her making my life fairly difficult, I feel very sorry for her really. i think she truly wants friendship but is unable to relinquish control. I wonder if she has a personality disorder.

Oh yes recognise the over generosity too. (With other people's money she's always skint cos she can't hold down a job).

I recognise when she's about to drop someone now as a new "miss wonderful" appears on the scene, there's always an overlap. But she'll also make sure THEY aren't friends by stirring shit between them. So yes also to the current "miss wonderful" is only allowed to be my sisters 'best friend' she even gets jealous if they are close to their siblings.

So new "miss wonderful" is all sympathy and a shoulder to cry on when the inevitable fallout (always sudden and dramatic) happens with old "miss wonderful".

Yes too to never ever wrong NEVER apologises (though would argue she does as she does those non apologies)

In our case we did have an abusive home life as children (which she is in complete genuine denial of, this has resulted in her dumping therapists too as they try to make her deal with that and she just doesn't want to. But she'll give other reasons like they're not synpathetic/are crap at their job).

My father doesn't and never has had friends. He's had work colleagues he was friendly with until effort was required on his behalf. Mum didn't have friends as anyone getting too close would have realised what was going on (Dv).

And yes there's a definite timescale around 2 years. Current 'bestie' is almost at 'use by' date so my mum is preparing for the inevitable big dramatic row.

She also doesn't know my mother and I still speak. She would see that as a betrayal.

My sister and a former friend are like this. It's totally all or nothing. Once the initial sheen has worn off, my sister looks for faults, everything that person does becomes awful. She's so black and white, and will never accept that maybe she isn't perfect and people let things go about her. It is draining - she relies heavily on me when she's fallen out with yet another person, and expects me to be her version of perfect while I have to let everything about her go.

Recently lost someone I considered a good friend but this, so so this:

I had a friend like this. Interesting, highly educated, assertive - however this is coupled with massive control freakery and an inability to accept that she is ever wrong or that any suggestion made however small and insignificant is anything other than a huge personal criticism

I dared to move out of the role she'd assigned to me (helpless and unable to do anything myself) and that was it. Gone after almost 8 years of friendship - all over something so small & petty . She'd done it before and I am sure she'll do it again but it is pretty hurtful.

OP - it must be hard to see someone you love act this way.

You were wrong to apologise on her behalf, you overstepped and that was a betrayal. It is your wife who is owed an apology from her former friend for sharing private information about her. She was right to cut her out. You can't trust people like that.

Why should she waste her time with people who cause harm to her reputation or upset her? The only way to deal with people who do that is cut them out. Otherwise they will continue to engage in their behaviour.

Better to have a few real friends that are a bonus to your life than a bunch of fake ones that cause you harm. Or even none at all is preferable to the latter.

Another one here who had a friend like that. Had to walk on eggshells around her. I was her only friend.

She dumped me when I started getting friendly with another woman. She didn't want to share me. To be honest, I felt like a weight had been taken off my shoulders as she was exhausting.

She went on to get a boyfriend whose friendship group coincidently included my old school friend, so I heard about her antics. They all got fed up of her and her relationship with her boyfriend only lasted a few months.

I had a friend like that. Her DD and my DS got on as well. Then suddenly she deleted me off Facebook and said she didn"t want to be friends anymore. When I asked why she called the police on me. Could not believe it.

I have a sort-of friend like this. Hugely insecure, had very tough upbringing basically raising herself and her younger sibling, has pulled herself up via her own bootstraps, but really cannot deal with any disagreement or what she perceives as 'disloyalty'. She also can't comprehend thatn most people have less money than her (or similar money but children to raise...), and feels slighted if people won't spend time with her on mutual expensive hobbies.

I manage to stay in contact by only agreeing to do mutual-hobby type things when I can afford to, and she is witty and entertaining and often very generous - she means well, but her maudlin behaviour over all the latest terrible people in her life, from employers to partners and friends, is hugely tiring. She sort of realises she has a problem but doesn't see change as an option.

I know people like this. They are more effort than they are worth.

I agree with myoriginal3 -

friend bitched about her while drunk ... friend ignored her for 3 months despite living next door ...another friend banged on about an abortion despite knowing the poster's wife was trying to conceive. This one I don't really know about as I've never suffered infertility, but I know women who have and know it is all-consuming.

I wouldn't do NC I'd be doing LC - saying hello but not doing deep friendship or looking for support in future.

If there are other friends she has cut off who really haven't behaved badly then yes she has a problem but these examples I'm not so sure.