I don't understand why some children are 'shielded' from the idea of puberty

[MissQueueQ]

My child is 10 and last week the class teacher gave them a chat about puberty. Boys were split from girls. Periods weren't mentioned. Just very minor stuff such as "you may notice a bit of hair growing in places where it doesn't normally"; "your chest might start to change shape" etc. Parents were invited to attend.

Afterwards, a few of the mums (not sure about the dads as they were away in the boys' class) were giggling to each other and a few others were saying how they thought it was about time they had 'the changing talk' with their daughters later.

I was actually quite shocked at how the talk was delivered and received. I suppose the teacher doesn't have any say in the content, so I'm not blaming her or anything. But these children are 10-11 and some still hadn't been told by their parents about puberty? And menstruation wasn't mentioned?? I asked afterwards when that would be discussed with the children and was told around primary 7. So when they're 11-12 year old.

I'm just pretty shocked that nothing has changed since when i was at school. Why haven't all parents already spoken to their kids about puberty by this age? In my daughter's class, i know for sure one girl began her period last year, and a fair few have began to develop in their chests (my daughter included).

I told a few of the mums afterwards that i didn't understand why they were worrying about having a talk with the daughters later. Hadn't they already been asking questions? A few awkward replies with a few trying to laugh it off. "Oh yes, but i just tell her we'll chat about it when she's older" etc.

I just don't get it at all. My mum never spoke to me or my sister about puberty or menstruation. I asked her later why not and she said it's because it was embarrassing (for her). And i remember whenever she was popping out to do the big monthly shop, she'd knock on my door and whisper "do you need any you know whats?" so that my brother didn't hear. And i got told off for leaving a towel once outside of the cabinet as my dad saw it!

I was brought up to think that periods were embarrassing and should be hidden from males. Which is maybe why i now think that actually, boys should be educated about periods. But i support segregation of sexes during the puberty chats at school so both boys and girls can ask questions to the teacher without being embarrassed. But i still think menstruation should be included in these chats for the boys so that it's normalised.

I'm not meaning to be rude but this is really quite annoying me and other than 'because it's embarrassing' i don't know any other reason why children of this age ( many of whom have already started puberty!) haven't been told about it by their parents. Can anyone else shed any light?

I also don't really get the idea of having 'the talk' with your child about it. Surely when they're little and follow you everywhere, and see you in the toilet changing towels and getting dressed and ask questions about blood or "what are those lumps on your front", "why have you got hair there?"- you just answer there and then? I've never had 'a talk' with my child. It's all just fallen into place because I've always answered her questions factually but age-appropriately.

Sorry, i'm rambling now. If your child doesn't know about puberty and periods, can you explain why?

What this thread demonstrates is that surprise surprise, children are diverse and there isn't a one-size fits all.

I do think that if you haven't discussed periods with your child or anticipated puberty and left it to someone else, you need a kick up the bum.

"if a child hasn't asked the question in my mind they're not ready to know the answer."

I disagree - they might not like knowing the answer and prefer not to think about it, but I'm 100% that they'd be even less ready to deal with periods starting if they had no idea what they were. Some children just don't ask much about anything and as parents we have to provide them with information and skills whether they like it or not. Should I also wait until my children ask how to wash themselves or how to get their own breakfast before teaching them how to deal with these things?

biscuit we're in Germany so no OFSTED, and they're there till 6 or 7, but yeah I was just worried about one of my kids going in and going "oh we were made in a hospital, mummy had to have an operation" and then eyebrows going up and me being called in and asked to tell them to stop talking about it. DD1 is very keen to always do everything by the book, she hates making the smallest mistake.

Maybe I'm underestimating them. There's no grim-faced nuns though as you say, and last year they gave us a pamphlet about how to talk to your kids about, you know, the birds and the bees... and it even mentioned wanking! It used a very polite word to describe it (selbstbefriedigung = self satisfaction) but it still made DH snigger like a 14 year old when I showed him the pamphlet

I've not read the thread, but wanted to say to the OP. You are totally NBU.

My mum was catholic and when I started my periods at 9, in what would have been yr 4, I thought I was dying. She was worse than crap, barely managed to explain it to me.

I swore that would never happen to my children. So DD (8, yr 8 and well on her way to puberty as she has pubic hairs, uses deo and wears a sports bra for pe) and DS (5) have always been spoken to honestly. I've never forced it, just answered qns as and when they arise. Until DD was 7 and then over a few weeks I casually told her about menstruation. Over the months she's asked more qns and I've been, I hope, open and supportive. DS now joins in with the discussions . Hopefully his female friends in the future will thank me for that.

that should be DD (8, yr 3!!)

Oh my goodness Mrs, you're really calm about your yr3 dd having pubic hair! I suppose it happened to your body at about the same time. My dd is 8 and yr4 and doesn't. I think her boobs are starting to develop and she has a couple of underarm hairs. It will happen when it happens I suppose, but I'd rather it happened later rather than sooner.

DD knows about periods, boobs and all that. She's 9 and starting to get hairier legs and a bit of BO at times.

Actually I take back all that stuff about early candour being good. DDs have their swimming lesson today, I usually go in for a swim in a the big pool at the same time but I have my period so I told them that and that I'd be staying in the cafe. DD2 was like can I tell [Kindergarten colleague]'s mum?
Me: no
DD2: can I tell Frau [teacher name]?
Me: no
Her: well who can I tell?
Me: nobody! It's nobody else's business what's going on in my pants.
She: why?

And so on...

I do get that it's an embarrassing subject to talk about for some people, but there are ways around it. They are called "books". I got my 9 year old boy a book called What's happening to Me? in the hope that it would answer some of the questions he might be embarrassed about asking. It has been dubbed "the willy book" now in our house and his 7 yo brother also reads it with glee.

@notcitrus I won't be letting my DD start her periods without her knowing what they are.

I was just trying to explain that some children are just not interested in having conversations about bodies and babies. We share baths/ showers. She is aware of boobs and body hair and knows she'll get them. I deliberately left tampons and pads in full view to prompt interest. Nothing.

I take full responsibility for her knowing what's going to happen to her body. I don't think it is the schools responsibility to tell her. I don't want them to tell her. I have been trying to take it at her speed but as she is now 8, I am pushing the conversation. She needs to know.

Yanbu. My dd is 8 and has seen me change a tampon. She has also seen my mooncup. She knows that if a sperm dosnt reach my egg then there is no baby so i get my period. No biggie.

She also knows how the sperm reaches the egg. I didnt set out to show her hoe to change a tampon btw. She saw in passing.

if a child hasn't asked the question in my mind they're not ready to know the answer but if they don't know about periods, they don't know there is a question to be asked

I was actually discussing this with my DD earlier. When she started 4 years ago DH and I were away and she was home with a 20yo family member babysitting. They had a fabulous weekend together but DD didn't tell her that she had started her period, I asked why not and she said 'because I didn't need any help, you had me well prepared'

As many others we did things gradually over the years, then I bought her the lilets starter pack when she was about 10 so she was sorted.

Dd2 will soon get sex Ed at school. They do it in primary 6. (Age10)
She's known from an early age that babies 'grow inside mummies tummys'

I vividly remember when she was about 7 years old arguing in the school line with a boy in her class who told her that ' you have to pray to god to get a baby. If you don't pray hard enough you don't get a baby' Which imo is a rediculous thing to tell a child. He's going to get a big shock when the sex Ed starts, although parents are given the option to opt out their child which his parents probably will.

What I don't understand with the primary school though is that the girls toilets don't have sanitary bins in them. Dd1 started at age11 in primary 7 and I couldn't believe it when I spoke to her teacher, who told me that she would be allowed to use the disabled staff toilet as it had a bin, but the girls toilets didn't.

I remember my brother taking out a sanitary towel from my school bag, blowing his nose on it, in front of us all and putting it back. My dad was horrified, my brother just commented that it was a very sticky hanky! Times change -My girls asked at a very early age why I had 'cigars' & 'nappies' in my hand bag.... the terms have stuck ever since. One even announced in assembly that mummy wears nappies! So be warned....

@empireoftheclouds I think I'm explaining myself badly... I have always answered any questions about bodies, differences, etc. as I felt that if my DD asked a question she deserves to have an answer.

But as she wasn't asking any questions, I could only assume she felt she had enough information (for now).

I don't expect her to ask what a period is, I had expected the conversation to naturally evolve. But it didn't. So when do you choose to push it?

I have decided that as she is 8 she needs to know and I am pushing it.