I don't understand why some children are 'shielded' from the idea of puberty

[MissQueueQ]

My child is 10 and last week the class teacher gave them a chat about puberty. Boys were split from girls. Periods weren't mentioned. Just very minor stuff such as "you may notice a bit of hair growing in places where it doesn't normally"; "your chest might start to change shape" etc. Parents were invited to attend.

Afterwards, a few of the mums (not sure about the dads as they were away in the boys' class) were giggling to each other and a few others were saying how they thought it was about time they had 'the changing talk' with their daughters later.

I was actually quite shocked at how the talk was delivered and received. I suppose the teacher doesn't have any say in the content, so I'm not blaming her or anything. But these children are 10-11 and some still hadn't been told by their parents about puberty? And menstruation wasn't mentioned?? I asked afterwards when that would be discussed with the children and was told around primary 7. So when they're 11-12 year old.

I'm just pretty shocked that nothing has changed since when i was at school. Why haven't all parents already spoken to their kids about puberty by this age? In my daughter's class, i know for sure one girl began her period last year, and a fair few have began to develop in their chests (my daughter included).

I told a few of the mums afterwards that i didn't understand why they were worrying about having a talk with the daughters later. Hadn't they already been asking questions? A few awkward replies with a few trying to laugh it off. "Oh yes, but i just tell her we'll chat about it when she's older" etc.

I just don't get it at all. My mum never spoke to me or my sister about puberty or menstruation. I asked her later why not and she said it's because it was embarrassing (for her). And i remember whenever she was popping out to do the big monthly shop, she'd knock on my door and whisper "do you need any you know whats?" so that my brother didn't hear. And i got told off for leaving a towel once outside of the cabinet as my dad saw it!

I was brought up to think that periods were embarrassing and should be hidden from males. Which is maybe why i now think that actually, boys should be educated about periods. But i support segregation of sexes during the puberty chats at school so both boys and girls can ask questions to the teacher without being embarrassed. But i still think menstruation should be included in these chats for the boys so that it's normalised.

I'm not meaning to be rude but this is really quite annoying me and other than 'because it's embarrassing' i don't know any other reason why children of this age ( many of whom have already started puberty!) haven't been told about it by their parents. Can anyone else shed any light?

I also don't really get the idea of having 'the talk' with your child about it. Surely when they're little and follow you everywhere, and see you in the toilet changing towels and getting dressed and ask questions about blood or "what are those lumps on your front", "why have you got hair there?"- you just answer there and then? I've never had 'a talk' with my child. It's all just fallen into place because I've always answered her questions factually but age-appropriately.

Sorry, i'm rambling now. If your child doesn't know about puberty and periods, can you explain why?

I understand my MIL didn't have 'the talk' with my SIL because it was too embarrassing. Which, frankly, I think is really pathetic and makes you a poor excuse for a parent.

Then again, my own Mum never really talked to me. I had to rely on Jackie Collins books for my education.

I very simply explained to our DDs about sex, babies etc when they were about 6/7. Then a few years later I had a more detailed chat with them about it. Just very matter of fact, no stupid embarrassment. Job done.

they hhave sex ed in Y5 here, and there were parents at the meeting who had not told their children anything. I was surprised that puberty at least had not been mentioned.

ds got the talk about periods aged three after noticing the "red poo"

WideHorizon. Knowing about puberty & sex doesn't take away innocence. Nor does it 'change' children. Clearly something was said in your specific circumstances that wasn't great. Probably some eejit said 'Don't get too close or you'll make babies' or some such crap.

The 11 yo here knows about puberty, sex (for babies & fun), contraception, abortion. It has all come up in conversation, no 'big talk'. She's in year 6, at a lovely school, and their SRE classes are good, but probably a year behind where I feel they should be. It doesn't matter to us because she knows all this stuff already, but there are others who would have benefitted learning about it earlier. One of the girls came on at school (9 3/4) and was terrified. Fortunately the 11yo (then 10) was able to reassure her that it was normal & went to the office to get her friend a pad, some fresh knicks & skirt.

It's not 'innocent' to be terrified when you get your period because no one has told you about them, it's scary.

My DD's (Italian) state school does a project with outside experts from the local Family Planning clinic at 9/10 years old. They are psychology and teenage specialists.
8 hours with mixed groups of boys and girls covering how your body changes, sex and pregnancy but also body autonomy, boundaries, Internet danger and respect for classmates.
The parents are invited to a meeting beforehand to find out about the course but the aspect I most appreciated was that these "teachers" were outside the parent or class teacher roles and were open to answer any questions, no matter how embarrassing or innocent. The kids were never going to see them again anyway!
This course was free and part of the curriculum. However, when DD (11) started her periods last month it was a non-event. She knew where I keep the sanpro and had known periods were a sign that "I wasn't having a baby that month" from about 3.

No need for pearl clutching when it's something that happens to a large percentage of the population every month!

Dd said to me after they had the talk at school - I'm sad at my loss of innocence...no kidding I laughed and then I asked her what innocence, what did she mean, what had she learnt that was so upsetting. Knowing about war is upsetting, people dying, people lying, people hurting each other, pain is a loss of innocence, reproduction is how we all got here - where's the trauma in that? So I finally asked her who she had heard come out with that nonsense about innocence and of course it was one of the parents in the playground...no wonder kids get upset when parents tell them to.

My 7 year old knows everything (though I don't think she's really twigged that sex is not just done to make a baby). She has probably semi-forgotten parts of it because it's not a big deal to her yet. But I think it would be absolutely shit of me to leave her ignorant.

I'm gobsmacked at the idea that learning basic biology would compromise a child's innocence. Of course DD is still a child and still innocent. She happily plays with boys, and I don't believe she spends a lot of time thinking about their sperm during games. Maybe it only marks a big change in how boys and girls relate if it's treated as some huge revelation? There's a thought.

I knew all about periods but in quite a hush-hush, we're doing THE TALK now sort of way, and I found the whole business very alarming as a result. It felt like a big grown-up thing I was too young to deal with. I wish someone had been relaxed enough to help me see that it's just a messy annoyance that needs mopping up with towels and tampons, not some huge adult mystery. I want the kids to see it being dealt with as a normal part of life, and to know what's happening and why. That's far more important than any embarrassment I might feel.

@JohnnyDeppsfuturewife be careful... by sister started her period at 8

I just remember the distinct change in my school year after we had 'the talk'. It definitely marked the end of playing together as equals and then the subsequent 'othering' of boys.

That inevitably happens at some point in development. I don't think it was the result of the "sex talk". If anything, there shouldn't have been one big "sex talk", but talking naturally about it in age-appropriate ways over the years. Having turned it into such a big deal probably contributed to the feeling that "things are so different from now on".

Innocence is such a ridiculous word to use in conjunction with your own health.

I'm with you, my 7 year old asks questions about differences in our bodies/ boys and girls bodies/animals having young and I just answer then and there. I hope that by doing this she doesn't feel ashamed of going through puberty like I did growing up.

The problem with "valuing innocence" in your own child and not teaching them - is that the world is not so kind. If you don't inform and teach your children about relationships, boundaries, puberty, their bodies and normal healthy sexuality then they are much more vulnerable to being taken advantage of.

Knowledge, sensitively and appropriately imparted, from a trusted adult is never a bad thing.

Plus there is the advantage of opening up a conversation with your child which will lead to better and more frequent conversations as they get older (when they might be really needing good advice and support).

Alternative view. I was told about puberty fairly early on and it terrified me. I remember lying awake at night age 7 thinking, at least I've got another four years before this happens to. Similarly childbirth. Found the idea humiliating and terrifying.

I was deeply, deeply ashamed and, again felt humiliated when I started going through puberty.

I don't think it was particularly how I was told - i.e. it was just facts, not to much detail, no emotion attached. I was just a very body shy little girl and I felt powerless that this stuff was going to happen to me.

Who knows why, and obviously waiting until I was going through puberty wouldn't have been the right thing, but I don't think early conversations helped me. They just gave me more time as a very young child to become upset and anxious.

I remember being terrified of kissing boys and terrified of child birth but that was before anyone had the talk! I thought people just randomly got pregnant - my lack of knowledge was the thing that caused my fear.
And I believe that children are more vulnerable to abuse when they are not aware of what is happening - when they don't have the words to describe it and they aren't sure what your views are - children will fill in the blanks and abuse that should never have happened once is more likely to happen again.

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ds got the talk about periods aged three after noticing the "red poo"

My ds got the talk about periods aged 3 when he wouldn't stop getting my sanpro out of the cupboard and playing with it. 😂

I always told my DD the truth but in a way that was she appropriate and bought her some books. When she had her first period at age 8 she was the calm one and I was the one panicking

It's noticeable that it's still all about the girls.
I remember when DS had the lesson at school in Year 6. He was in the throes of puberty at the time and feeling that his body was doing strange things. He said he was very interested in how girls were affected but why didn't anyone talk about the changes and difficulties boys faced.

Isn't eight still terribly young to start periods? Would that be considered precocious puberty?

PeaStalks I think it is because in general girls mature earlier than boys, but I am happy to be corrected.

gosh my dm also called sanitary products 'things'. SHe never discussed periods with me until I was 15, shortly before I started having them. It was far too late. I already knew what I needed to know from friends, magazines and books. They never had a sex talk with us. I won't be having any daughters, but if i did, I would be the total opposite!

Like Iamastonished's DD, mine doesn't want to know either.

She has always come to the loo with me and asked questions while there. She was quite horrified when I had a major flood, even though I explained to her what had happened. She immediately forgot about it!

She has never asked any other questions at all. When I've tried to bring up the subject she doesn't want to know. She has always pestered me in the bath and laughs at my bits, and I've told her over the years that she will get hair and breasts. She says she won't!

They had the period talk at school in Y4, then again in Y5. I think they have that next term and it goes into a bit more detail. I don't like the way it's done by teachers. I'd far rather they had people from outside.

I heard a bit of one of the lessons last year when they were talking to the Y6s about babies, and didn't agree with what they were saying to them about breastfeeding, as they were talking about their own experiences, and one clearly had issues about not being able to breastfeed.

8 is within normal limits for puberty to start. Precocious puberty starts under the age of 8

ds got the talk about periods aged three after noticing the "red poo

Mine too! I rarely get a solitary pee so "why is there blood in your bum" was a pretty early question. So we've covered periods and pregnancy, and the theoreticals on conception. A bit of info at a time, responding to questions. You can see them zoning out when they've heard enough.

Actually the most awkward bit for us is that they were conceived by IVF and they go to a Catholic kindergarten. I can't imagine that there would be anyone nasty enough to tell them that IVF is considered sinful by the Catholic church, but I'd rather not take the risk, specially as they are at that "Mrs so and so said so and she knows EVERYTHING" phase.

I my daughter is 10 and has ASD, developmental delay, and learning difficulties, she has not shown an interest in how her body work, and puberty, I am not sure how or when to approach it. She has not started her periods yet.

Dd was born through ivf. I always tell her she was made in Belgium. Dd is 8 and I recently briefly explained to her what ivf is. I think you can wait till your children are older toomuch, it isn't necessary to tell a young child.

Iamastonished it's true that girls mature earlier and DS was early starting puberty, but that made it all the more bewildering for him. It just seems no one talks to boys about the unpredictable erections, hair growth, clumsiness and the rest. I did my best DH was useless he couldn't remember it

" IVF is considered sinful by the Catholic"

Is it? I didn't know that. I must be the only parent on here who has always preferred to visit the loo on my own, especially when having a paeriod. I never gave DD the option to follow me in.

I only shared loos with her when we were out and she was too small to be left on her own.