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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why has she made a promise she cannot keep? I feel so let down.

169 replies

ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 22:59

What do I do now?

DM has decided she isn't sure about looking after DD two days a week, despite offering consistently over the last 13 months. (I gave her the 'adult me' response and said it was fine but I've been upset most of today.

Adult me
Yes, worry about yourself and make sure you have enough time for you and to relax. It's not set in stone and never was. You're not responsible for my daughter, we are. It's fine. Your brother has just died and I will make sure you get to the funeral, fucking miles away, the day before I'm due to go on holiday. I understand you're not feeling great so I'll bring you over some lovely food and my baby for a hug.

Child me
Are you fucking joking? I work 2hrs away and was relying on your help. You moved to be near my sister 10+yrs ago and now I have moved here to be near my family you are not interested, despite taking up three days a week of my maternity leave, every week. I let you have those because you live alone and you are lonely. I had an EMCS 5 months ago and last week you asked me where the teabags are - so you've not been helping at all, have you? Nope, pop over for a free lunch and fill your days up. I'll always be there, bringing you food when you're ill. My sister has an amazing job and a cleaner and you still do her washing for her as she regularly runs out of clean underwear and her children's shoes don't fit unless you replace them.

Thanks for leaving me in a hole.

I'm calling the nursery tomorrow to see if I can have extra days but AIBU to feel fucking put out and like I've moved closer for nothing?!?

OP posts:

Original poster

ChildishGambino · 19/05/2017 19:47

Always - then why offer, persistently, for over 15months?

OP posts:

wherethewildthingis · 19/05/2017 19:51

I had similar recently with my mum when we were moving house, she wanted us to move to her town, said she would be able to pick up DS after school when he starts school for us and help out much more.
DS has been going to nursery half a mile from her house for the last three years, she's been retired for two, and has literally never ever offered to have him for the day or pick him up early.
We did not move to her town perhaps unsurprisingly!

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 19/05/2017 19:58

Typical, favouring one sibling who apparently needs more help no matter how much you show you need help, some kind of perception issue. I would be upfront and suggest a compromise of 1 day pw and mention that she does a lot for your sister and you moved to be near and thought she would help you like she helps your sister. Alternatively you could say being so far away from work and not having any help with childcare you're thinking you may have to move. See how she responds.

tweezers · 19/05/2017 20:50

You have a very very young family and you both work. You're not in a position to be at your DM and DS's beck and call anymore. I'm not suggesting have a bad relationship with DM and DS, just that the kids & your DH come first and so do you as you're the one keeping everything going.

Lisa9819 · 19/05/2017 21:13

It Is annoying, but you have to let it go. She does not want to help and no amount of fighting with her is going to change that and even if it did there would probably be a lot of bitterness behind it. If you feel she only uses you to fill up her days, then stop allowing her to. See her when it's convenient for you and that's it.

If you do favors for them all the time and they never do favors in return, then stop doing them. I get that you've said you "like" helping, but you obviously are doing it with the expectation that they do the same... Healthy relationships are of equal give and take, but not all relationships are healthy! Some people, family included are just takers. :/

Limit your time helping them and start doing what is best for your family (as in you, DH, DCs), possibly even moving away to be closer to your job or brother. Your mom may not have realized how much she was promising given she already clearly has hands full with your sisters children. That sounds as if it's been a responsibility of hers for a long time if she was doing that long before you moved there. It really would be upsetting unfortunately just not much you can do about it.

manicmij · 19/05/2017 22:56

Oh so annoying CM having offered to provide childcare and persuading you to mine nearer. This should be a great lesson in not taking what she says as gospel and for you to make your own decisions based on what no-one but yourself wants. Many grandparents only want a very limited amount of contact with grandchildren maybe feeling they have done their childcare but. Did you have a grandparent look after you? If you didn't maybe your DM doesn't see it as her role at all. Keep in mind what you know, ie she doesn't follow through with what she says she will do
Hope nursery can help out.

elfies · 20/05/2017 08:39

Even if she's fit and active she may be keeping quiet about not being able to keep up with the bairns, and maybe trying not to worry anyone

ScissorBow · 20/05/2017 08:52

My MIL was the opposite. Before DD1 was born said she'd be damned if she was looking after her and here we are 4 years later she does a morning a week plus holiday cover occasionally. They don't always know what it really means till closer to the time but YANBU to be pissed off at her leaving you in a stew and saving her efforts for your sister. Unfairness between siblings is always galling so I feel for you.

My advice would be to plan your life without her help or you'll be on tenterhooks waiting for her to let you down and returning to work is stressful enough.

Livelovebehappy · 20/05/2017 09:04

My DM looked after mine for a day a week when they were little, and I was really grateful. But I wouldn't expect it as I appreciate she's done her bit looking after us when we were young. However, your DM was wrong offering to do it, and then withdrawing her offer. There's not a lot you can do without causing a row, so I guess you just have to go with her decision, but I can see how it would annoy you.

ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin · 20/05/2017 10:53

OP, I've been reading your thread with sinking feeling. I wonder if she's talked you into moving back closer to your family so you can look after her as she ages and/or you can take over what she does for your siblings. It certainly doesn't sound like the arrangement is working in your favour.

shoesarefab · 20/05/2017 11:54

I know exactly how you feel. We moved closer to my friends and family as my inlaws were no help. They followed us 2 years later saying FIL was going to retire and they were going to pick children up from school and do various things with them (FIL to DS1 I'll take you to sports club every week, does 1 week, can't be arsed ever again)...none of which ever materialised. Also talked us into booking a break and they would help look after the kids with my parents. Day before we are due to fly, they decide they can't do it as it's too much stress to pick the kids up from school Also my MIL is a bit of a single white female where I'm concerned and copies everything from my interior design to my wardrobe. It drives me insane. 6mths ago I decided to distance myself from them, my husband still goes to see them every week and takes the children but I don't get involved and only ask my parents to occasionally have the kids (who incidentally both work full time). Anyway, I'm much happier and relaxed being out of the situation!

LemurintheSun · 20/05/2017 12:03

Yeah. Know the feeling. My dad parents nagged me to have a child, then they never turned up when I was hospitalised for 6 weeks afterwards, and said a flat "no" to offering any support e.g occasional holiday childcare to help me get back to work when my child was at the awkward early primary school stage. I felt let down. But you just have to suck it up, and try not to let it ruin the relationship, which matters to you and your DC. You know that, too.

Writermom22 · 20/05/2017 14:47

Stop doing shit for everyone else and start putting yourself, your partner and your daughter, first.

Grumpybear16 · 20/05/2017 15:47

I hadn't similar to this with my dm. Just before I went back to work she started to backpeddle saying she wasn't sure and could I put eldest in preschool full days on the days she had them (1yo and 3yo for 2 days a week) so I arranged that and now she's a bit upset that she doesn't get to spend much time with him 🙄 Then recently we had a bit of a disagreement on how me and DH discipline the 3yo which lead to her walking out and leaving us in the lurch for a day. My point is, sometimes I think it would have been much easier just to have sorted out a nursery or something. If it wasn't for the huge amount of money she's saving us. I am mega grateful to her, but it can be so stressful at times.

Grumpybear16 · 20/05/2017 15:48

Oh and it made me learn that you have to put you and your family first and try to leave emotion out of it.

SharonBottsPoundOfGrapes · 20/05/2017 16:11

Op I was let down by my mil who offered to have ds two afternoons a week so I could go back to work. It soon became apparent that her heart wasn't in it. FIL contacted dh and told him it was too much. We understood. They are retired and deserve to enjoy their free time. What hit us like a knife in the back is when SIL gave birth nothing was too much trouble. When she went back to work full time they had DN from 7.30 - 5.30 5 days a week. It caused tension in the family as they would also care for their other grandchildren and our kids had to make do with 2 hours on a Saturday once a fortnight. Ds got very upset when he saw pictures of a family day out to the beach that didn't include him or his sisters. My own mum very rarely helps out. She told me when I was pregnant that she'd "reared her lot". No mention of the slaving and skivvying I did as child but that's a different story - she used to say "You don't keep dogs and bark yourself". I instantly dislike anyone who says that shite. Anyway I digress. Mil knew I had been treated badly by my family in the past. I'm not expecting her (or fil) to make up for my family but I grew up without any grandparents and my dad died when I was 9. My mum and stepdad were abusive alkies. I just want some loving grandparents for my kids.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/05/2017 23:48

That is crap Sharon, that is blatantly favouritism. Already your son has picked up on it. He might not want a relationship with them, when he is older. You reap what you sow.

mimishimmi · 22/05/2017 01:12

It wasn't right for her to offer and then retract.

user1471451259 · 22/05/2017 03:22

When I didn't need my mum for childcare (had a full-time nanny), she was constantly on the phone asking to take the kids, crying that she missed them. If they went there for one night, we wouldn't see them for 3 days as she'd make excuses to keep them.

Fine, no worries but...

When I actually needed her for childcare a few nights a week, she would teeth suck and pull faces and then have them grudgingly but moan about it to other people.

You can't win.

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