Why has she made a promise she cannot keep? I feel so let down.

[ChildishGambino]

What do I do now?

DM has decided she isn't sure about looking after DD two days a week, despite offering consistently over the last 13 months. (I gave her the 'adult me' response and said it was fine but I've been upset most of today.

Adult me
Yes, worry about yourself and make sure you have enough time for you and to relax. It's not set in stone and never was. You're not responsible for my daughter, we are. It's fine. Your brother has just died and I will make sure you get to the funeral, fucking miles away, the day before I'm due to go on holiday. I understand you're not feeling great so I'll bring you over some lovely food and my baby for a hug.

Child me
Are you fucking joking? I work 2hrs away and was relying on your help. You moved to be near my sister 10+yrs ago and now I have moved here to be near my family you are not interested, despite taking up three days a week of my maternity leave, every week. I let you have those because you live alone and you are lonely. I had an EMCS 5 months ago and last week you asked me where the teabags are - so you've not been helping at all, have you? Nope, pop over for a free lunch and fill your days up. I'll always be there, bringing you food when you're ill. My sister has an amazing job and a cleaner and you still do her washing for her as she regularly runs out of clean underwear and her children's shoes don't fit unless you replace them.

Thanks for leaving me in a hole.

I'm calling the nursery tomorrow to see if I can have extra days but AIBU to feel fucking put out and like I've moved closer for nothing?!?

OP I have not read all the comments but I will just say, do what is best for you. Your mum has messed you about a bit and I would just choose to do what is best for me and my family.

You can choose for yourself where you can work, if you wish to move and can, then do so.

It's very bad that your mum favours your sister, but you probably cannot change that and so, if that was me, I'd put my efforts into my other relationships and work to make them how I want them.

I made the mistake of moving near my mother..

Long story short, were no contact now. My insistence.

I'm sorry, it's crap.

One thing that shines out is your need to be accepted/approved of or live up to something

Please stop that. Why not ask your sister to do the funeral run?

Seeing as yours is a one way street, time to redirect the traffic!

When I got married our vicar had a quiet word and told me that once married DH and I were creating our own family unit and he suggested we try to stay away in america for the first couple of years of marriage so we could cement our traditions and routines before moving closer to our families.

Well 10 years later we still live 3000 miles from family. We put our marriage and our DC first. It's not easy to be so far from family now they are getting on but I'm so happy I don't have to deal with my MIL and her baggage. The woman is a ball of negativity who idolizes DH. She is mean to her own DD. It's so sad to watch.

My SIL has remained in the same town as her mother and now fortunately gives her a wide birth. The final straw was when SIL was in hospital for a month and my MIL came to visit us and said SIL is faking it. She wasn't faking her serious medical condition and when she went downhill DH had to fly back and sign paperwork for her to have surgery. My MIL apparently had been insistent on coming over. We had asked numerous times how SIL was and MIL had lied through her teeth. The doctor told DH that he couldn't believe my MIL had left the country.

OP, just to say you have to think of yourself. I moved closer to be with my DM, she has just moved 50 miles away to be closer to her boyfriend and DSis

I wish we hadn't now. I wanted to move further north and now locked into a contract for another 5 months.

I agree, I should start saying 'oh no, that's really tough'. But I love them...it's against every bone of my being to say I can't help if I know I can. My issue, I know

And that's exactly what I meant about it being really hard for you. It's so shit being a people pleaser. I tie myself in knots sometimes but have learnt to seek gratification elsewhere.

Maybe your NC sis even singled you out first because she felt you'd be a safe 'practice run' before the others.
We need to start a Team No More Nice

But really, you can do this, honour the funeral arrangements then start withdrawing your practical support.

I'd also make more of an effort to keep an honest dialogue with your sister to minimise the bullshit tales your mum comes up with between you both.

Regarding the help she receives, you sound like a very capable person, she just may not be.
I have a friend with far less children than me, a binbag of support who constantly fucking whinges how difficult things are for her but it's ok for me because I can manage.
^^ Half the time I'm falling to bits but she's too busy napping or going on a 'rare' night out to see that part...

My MIL is like this - promises things she can't keep. The worst was when I had an operation she promised to come and stay and help look after my baby for several of the six weeks I needed help. But when we tried to work out dates she decided she could only manage TWO days. Then, once we had bitten our tongues and scraped around for other support, she told us 'any time you need help you just need to ask and I will be there'! I think she wants to get the gratitude for offering but I got fed up of this in the end and now just calmly point out that she can't actually do what she is offering because she is looking after bil or SIL dc .

Childish, I'm sorry that you've been walked on, but I think it's time to get up, brush yourself off, start saying no to everyone and to grow a backbone.

I give you permission to just say no, and suit yourself from now on in.
You've been a pushover, but now it's time to start having the life you deserve without guilt of obligation to anyone who isn't giving back.

You're not being a horrible person by being nice to yourself and honouring your own life, far from it.

Just remember that every time they get you to do something for them, it's taking you away from your DC. Of course, you shouldn't end up never helping anyone, but it sounds like they would bleed you dry and watch your daughter grow up barely knowing her mum, rather than do something for themselves. Look at your daughter - does she deserve that? If you can't say no on your own account, do it for her and your DH. They are missing out on a good relationship with you, and your family don't care.

Be more selfish - it's for the good of others.

OP I do think you should move nearly work. Two hours travelling time are two hours you aren't with your baby.

And yes, say yes to things you want to do and say no to things you don't want to do. Don't do anything expecting anything in return and don't complain when you don't get anything in return.

Love the adult you and child you😂

Move. 2 hours is ages

I have a similar situation - I also downgraded my expectations.

I also realised it's because my mum recognises me as the more capable that she helps me less.

In all honesty I'd stop asking - do what you need to do for your family. So move away or job closer to home. And don't be available when she wants to fill her days and don't ask for her help.

If you find it difficult to just 'grow a spine' 'do what suits you' etc, try making an effort to have a moan. You clearly are seen as super capable, with unlimited resources. Let it show how hard you work for it.

When you ring her, say you can't talk long as you're behind on the laundry.
When you visit say this is the first time you've sat down all day.
When you have her for lunch, give her something really basic and unsuitable like a cheese spread sandwich- you're so tired these days you don't cook separately, you just eat what DD eats.

"I really don't get why she expects so much better of me when she's unprepared to give me better?"

In life that often seems to happen, in families and elsewhere. As other pp have said, people get allocated roles and they stick. But you don't have to stay in them - although you do have to be prepared for people to be a bit surprised when you finally say 'no more'.

I would never blame anyone for not feeling up to looking after a dc - it is exhausting. The offering/withdrawing is annoying, but people do this - offering makes people feel good, and they genuinely think they will do it, but then realise they can't. And of course your dm has just lost her db. So I think you just have to shrug your shoulders, smile wryly, and move on.

I agree with all pp saying move closer to work - 2 hrs will be exhausting to travel (is it each way?) and is time you should have with your dd. She and your dh are your priority now - that can be very hard to put into practice when you are used to 'looking after' your dmother.

Maintain the funeral arrangements, but after that stop helping her. Sympathise about whatever she had going on, but don't offer to fix it. Definitely move closer to work. If you don't want to bring it up, can you leave some Rightmove print outs somewhere for her to see?

And enjoy the remainder of your maternity lease. Only see her if you want to.

Move to nearer your brother and job, 2 hour commute is mad and as your dd gets older you will feel it more. DC need you present more, as they get older.

Put YOUR little family first

That's a burn

But wow would I want to work 3 days and do childcare aged 72

NO ! No way in earth . Thats a full time job . She was mad to have offered .

Putting aside childhood favoritism issues I think that offer was crazyfrom the outset

Focus in you , your family and what you need for now

Definitely move close to work. This sounds really intolerable, unsustainable for you and toxic for how you feel about each other. Working and having dc can be hard, and it's a long game. a long commute so you can offer support but not receive it is just rubbish.

And make sure you get a favour back from your sis for Glastonbury too ! This adulting is never easy hey

Her brother has just died?! Ffs have a heart would you?

Please move nearer to work. That commute will knacker you and eat massively into your time with your family, and for what really?

My dm told me THREE DAYS before i returned to work, which really left me up shit street! Luckily, or not so my MIL stepped up, but ill never forget what a mess she left us in! x

......that she wouldnt have our children for 1 day a week while i was at work :-(

Sorry op, you DM sounds a bit of a taker. Please have a long think about how much you give to her, in terms of your time and energy as it sounds like she will just keep on taking.

Yanbu to feel angry and let down. My mum spends her days offering help (often the same offer) only for it never to materialise. Took me a long time before I realised she said it just to feel good about herself. She also comes round my house, has a cup of tea, never puts the cup in the dishwasher and likes to have a little snooze on my sofa, check out if there's any dinner in the offing and if not, leave.

Meanwhile I am coping (just fine thank you) with three kids, one with a medical disability, another with asd and working 3 days a week and all she can do is tell me how busy she is and how tired she feels. She is retired ffs!