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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why has she made a promise she cannot keep? I feel so let down.

169 replies

ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 22:59

What do I do now?

DM has decided she isn't sure about looking after DD two days a week, despite offering consistently over the last 13 months. (I gave her the 'adult me' response and said it was fine but I've been upset most of today.

Adult me
Yes, worry about yourself and make sure you have enough time for you and to relax. It's not set in stone and never was. You're not responsible for my daughter, we are. It's fine. Your brother has just died and I will make sure you get to the funeral, fucking miles away, the day before I'm due to go on holiday. I understand you're not feeling great so I'll bring you over some lovely food and my baby for a hug.

Child me
Are you fucking joking? I work 2hrs away and was relying on your help. You moved to be near my sister 10+yrs ago and now I have moved here to be near my family you are not interested, despite taking up three days a week of my maternity leave, every week. I let you have those because you live alone and you are lonely. I had an EMCS 5 months ago and last week you asked me where the teabags are - so you've not been helping at all, have you? Nope, pop over for a free lunch and fill your days up. I'll always be there, bringing you food when you're ill. My sister has an amazing job and a cleaner and you still do her washing for her as she regularly runs out of clean underwear and her children's shoes don't fit unless you replace them.

Thanks for leaving me in a hole.

I'm calling the nursery tomorrow to see if I can have extra days but AIBU to feel fucking put out and like I've moved closer for nothing?!?

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 18/05/2017 13:02

oh and OP - another thought - your 'adult' answer might be part of the problem, if your sister always makes it perfectly clear to your Mother that she doesn't like XYor Z or that if your Mum does A your sister will be upset about it, then you saying "ok it's fine" will be interpreted as "it's fine, I haven't upset my daughter".

Tell your Mum you are disappointed she has messed you about. That you moved to this location because of her assurances she'd help out and you are annoyed she's now changed her mind. That if she'd been upfront from the start, you and your DH could have planned to live in a location that would make the commute easier, so her not being clear from the start has meant it's cost you a lot of money as you'll have to start looking to move again.

Do it calmly, but be clear, you are upset, her behaviour has caused you additional problems, you will have less family money and time because you based decisions on promises she made that she's now changed her mind on, if she'd just said she wouldn't do childcare from the start, your family would be in a much better position.

The problem is not that she's not doing childcare, the problem is that she said she would, let you make plans based on that and then now has said she won't do childcare.

pistachioandhoney · 18/05/2017 13:07

As someone who has had zero help for anyone since my DC were born I think that your mothers favouritism towards your DSis is awful.

However, if your Dsis is the one to benefit from your mums help then she can pick up the slack when it comes to keeping your mum company and looking after her when she is sick.

You need to think practically about what your family needs. If you are receiving no help and struggling then you need to make arrangements for your life to be simpler and more organised by moving closer to work.

HashiAsLarry · 18/05/2017 13:15

invisible has given some very good advice. Especially:
The problem is not that she's not doing childcare, the problem is that she said she would, let you make plans based on that and then now has said she won't do childcare.
Its this you need to get clear in your own mind, and then try to make clear in real life. Its not the not doing it, its the letting you make arrangements on the basis she said she would.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/05/2017 13:16

I totally agree with you, I hate flakey people. Good idea to lower your expectations of her, don't give so much of yourself to her.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/05/2017 13:19

I agree with invisible, tell her how disappointed you are, she promised one thing and has gone back on her word. Tell her that if you can't promise, don't offer!

Littlepleasures · 18/05/2017 13:35

Had a similar situation with my mum years ago and it hurt. Many years later now she needs help and is more reliant on my sister, she'll often say DSis is looking so tired, she does so much. When the Child me replied that I'm sure she is glad to help so much to repay all the help you gave her, my mum snapped" Don't you dare say anything like that to
DSis."
I love my mum dearly, but I've never got over the rejection.

deugain · 18/05/2017 14:13

Try and focus on the positive - you'll not get a phone call an hour before work saying can't have child today and you know where you stand.

My own parents have offer to babysit then pull out literally at time they should have been arriving - almost gleefully that we'd struggle. We learnt not to even consider them.

MIL goes on and on about how much she would do if only we lived nearer - but when we did she wouldn't ever babysit even for quick dental appointment. IL insisted on coming on our one holiday a year to "help" but never babysat then or did anything we could see to help really. Honestly MIL came over to help when we lived closer when I was ill to "help" and it was just another person to run round after - drink meals to prepare it was exhausting and left me worse off.

I tend to "not hear" or dismiss offers they make as not serious - so don't respond or ignore - so they don't get "praise" for making them.

TBF in this case could reality could have set in rather than idyllic bonding time the reality of being older and looking after all day a young active child?

I also wonder if you jump in with offers for help when your hear a problem?

Phases like - "oh well I'm sure you'll sort something" or "let me know how you get on" - could help - you can always make a serious offer of help later. Though I know being on the receiving end of such phases hasn't always felt great especially in the few emergencies we've had.

girlywhirly · 18/05/2017 14:22

Childish, in this situation you have to only consider yourself, DH and DD. You have a discussion with DH and start planning what will be the best thing to do. Do not rely on family, and with the exception of going to your uncles funeral with your mum, do not do any more favours or offer help. Why on earth are you staying in your sisters house while she goes to Glastonbury? Are you looking after her kids? I'd be inclined to tell her to find someone else as you don't have the time now since your mum let you down. They are not your problem. Perhaps your mum would like to step in. They have all had more than their fair share of help from you and what have they done in return.

I think moving away will be best in so many ways, you'll be closer to work, you'll have distance from your mum and sisters so that noticing favours to do or mum dropping by will be more difficult. You'll have DD in a nursery and know that there will always be reliable and consistent care available. I think you were probably happier the last time you lived away.

Original poster
ChildishGambino · 18/05/2017 14:24

Charles - I only said that when she said yesterday that she now isn't sure. I'm absolutely certain she will moan she never sees us. I didn't put any pressure on her to offer originally -at all. She's even commented that my friend's Mum will only have her grandchild once a week and 'how selfish' she's being.

DH's family are awesome. MIL is bionic but works full time and they live in an area far away where neither of us wants to live.

I'll continue to respond as 'adult me' for now but will also make it clear that I'll need to re-evaluate work or where we live now. I need to step back and I need to think about what's best for us for once.

I always offer to help. My friends certainly don't take that for granted but my family do.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChildishGambino · 18/05/2017 14:25

DH has said he is prepared to be a SAHD or go part-time which will help if I get a better job nearby. Applied for one job yesterday and got a call today from a recruiter about another so we will see what happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChildishGambino · 18/05/2017 14:27

Girly - I've said I'll move in as she has two children that will need to be up and at school while they're dancing in a field. I did it last year for them too. I'm such a mug.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChildishGambino · 18/05/2017 14:28

Deugain I find it so so hard not to offer to help - especially as I'm available as I'm still on Mat leave. I will practice he phrase, "Oh well, I'm sure you'll sort something."

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 18/05/2017 14:56

Offering to help isn't the problem, it's the being taken for granted. Make sure you let them all know that you are going back to work, you want to be available for interviews so not to expect you to be around. I'd also tell sis that this is the last time you will be her childcare for Glastonbury. You can still mention that you are thinking of moving if you don't get a job locally, you don't want them to think that you are going to be instantly available.

OlennasWimple · 18/05/2017 15:01

Time to get selfish, OP. Start from the premise that the only thing that matters is you, DH and DD. Make things work for the three of you, and if they also work for others, that's wonderful.

Make this your new mantra, and I think you might find it quite liberating

OlennasWimple · 18/05/2017 15:04

Maternity leave is for the benefit of you and your baby, not so you can house / babysit for your family....

expatinscotland · 18/05/2017 15:21

PLEASE get over to that Stately Homes threads. You have classic FOG.

QuintessentialShadow · 18/05/2017 16:16

You got lured back with promises of help and a network. Instead you find that you have been roped in to help everyone else. It goes the other way than you expected. You are helping your mum enabling your sister, and you are helping your mum with your lonelyness. There is nothing there for you, expect being taken advantage of.

Be sensible, move closer to your job, and set up your own network of friends and babysitters. You will have much more quality of life and a much better work life balance away from your family and close to work.

They seem like selfish takers. Of course they will moan about all they are deprived of by your moving, or you standing your ground, and you refusing to be used, thats natural. But, be strong and put yourself and your own family first.

QuintessentialShadow · 18/05/2017 16:17

with HER lonelyness I meant.

deugain · 18/05/2017 16:18

Offering to help isn't the problem, it's the being taken for granted.

See I think it is part of the problem - they know they can mention a problem OP jumps in with her being the solution and they know she'll carry through so her being the solution is taken for granted.

OP current friends don't take advantage no saying future ones won't - I've certainly met a lot of chancers at the school gates. I don't mind helping out as one offs or some form of reciprocal arrangement but some take try and take the piss.

I'd suggest cancelling Glastonbury childcare - with the explanation you hadn't realised the difference your new baby would make this year - give them as much time as possible to make other arrangements. The funeral I think would be harder to cancel - and in future don't offer as much - or wait and think how much work/stress it will add on you and your DH.

Toxic parents is a book often recommdned though I found games people play which I was given by the DH of a friend helpful. Co-incidentally his wife my friend had a pattern- would jump in with her time to solve a situation - end up feeling overwhelmed unappreciated getting stressed and upset - would resolve she'd say never again then month or two later end up in very similar situation again with different players.

Original poster
ChildishGambino · 18/05/2017 16:32

Does anyone have a link to the stately homes thread?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChildishGambino · 18/05/2017 17:12

It's ok - found it

OP posts:
stillishwaters · 19/05/2017 12:57

InvisibleKittenAttack great comment, and great name!!

Starlighter · 19/05/2017 18:23

YANBU to be upset and hurt about this situation. It seems like this goes a lot deeper than just childcare and these issues have been building up for years. You sound like you have put up with a lot, so have it out with her! Maybe sit down and tell her how you feel once things settle down.

Angelreid14 · 19/05/2017 19:01

My mother never looks after her grandchildren because they cry....really after 5 kids of her own you would think that would come as no surprise. I have given up asking because yes, they are my k8ds and I defo could do with some me time, whatever that is, but I just refuse to beg anyone. Her loss.

AlwaysChatting · 19/05/2017 19:42

I think maybe grandparents don't like to feel "burdened" with being tied down to looking after the grandkids because it limits their freedom to do what they want. I guess if she's 72, there's only so much baby sitting she can do so I can understand her reluctance. She's in a "very demanding job" as you say but that's her choice and something she enjoys clearly. Maybe looking after small kids is not what she had in mind for older age.

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