Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why has she made a promise she cannot keep? I feel so let down.

169 replies

ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 22:59

What do I do now?

DM has decided she isn't sure about looking after DD two days a week, despite offering consistently over the last 13 months. (I gave her the 'adult me' response and said it was fine but I've been upset most of today.

Adult me
Yes, worry about yourself and make sure you have enough time for you and to relax. It's not set in stone and never was. You're not responsible for my daughter, we are. It's fine. Your brother has just died and I will make sure you get to the funeral, fucking miles away, the day before I'm due to go on holiday. I understand you're not feeling great so I'll bring you over some lovely food and my baby for a hug.

Child me
Are you fucking joking? I work 2hrs away and was relying on your help. You moved to be near my sister 10+yrs ago and now I have moved here to be near my family you are not interested, despite taking up three days a week of my maternity leave, every week. I let you have those because you live alone and you are lonely. I had an EMCS 5 months ago and last week you asked me where the teabags are - so you've not been helping at all, have you? Nope, pop over for a free lunch and fill your days up. I'll always be there, bringing you food when you're ill. My sister has an amazing job and a cleaner and you still do her washing for her as she regularly runs out of clean underwear and her children's shoes don't fit unless you replace them.

Thanks for leaving me in a hole.

I'm calling the nursery tomorrow to see if I can have extra days but AIBU to feel fucking put out and like I've moved closer for nothing?!?

OP posts:
Topuptheglass · 17/05/2017 23:33

Childish is your sister a single parent?

Or a golden child?

You are most likely coming across as capable & with it - your sister, not so much?

Original poster
ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 23:34

Atrocious - I'm thinking we should move but in the meantime I'm going to start limiting the free time we give up to her. I only did this so they could spend time together and earlier felt tearful about all of the messy play/baby massage we could have Ben doing. Do you think that's a healthy start?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 23:35

TopUp - sister is golden. She struggles but doesn't ask for help but seems to get everyone to help her without ever having to request help. Not a single parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 23:35

DM visits and is surprised I've managed to keep on top of the washing as Dsis can't. It's really not hard, is it!?

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 17/05/2017 23:35

YANBU to be upset. I was let down (in a very minor way) by a family member today; it's so tiring not having support and I am so jealous of those people who have families who fall over themselves to look after children and do favours for them. She is probably struggling with bereavement but it still leaves you in a crappy situation.

SaveMeBarry · 17/05/2017 23:36

I agree she shouldn't have offered and then gone back on it but at 73 and still working I'd say looking after a toddler would be hard going. Possibly it's just dawned on her how much energy that will require. Mine is 70 and while she loves her gc she admits she's exhausted after a day or so with my toddler and preschool DNs.

Go for the nursery if it's available and just be matter of fact about it - Mum, I had to make a decision and as you were unsure I took the place at nursery as it might not be available if I waited any longer!

Original poster
ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 23:36

Vim - I just really thought I'd have that support. Turns out it's all hot air and bollocks.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 17/05/2017 23:37

It's unfortunate but I feel it's very common in a family to be either a 'doer' or a 'taker' , your mother sees you as the former and you enable this by falling into line with her / helping your sister out etc , your sister is a taker and people don't expect anything from her and that's seen as fine . This system works well until the 'doer' feels out upon which is where you are now , but only you can change things by stopping being so accommodating.

Original poster
ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 23:38

What's the best way to get out of this 'helpful' box I've been put into? Did is going away this weekend and DM was annoying that I was busy and not able to help her with the kids.

OP posts:
Topuptheglass · 17/05/2017 23:40

I've recently found out my dad has been giving financial assistance to my eldest sibling. Even though sibling & partner work full time jobs.

I don't care, I don't need his money, but it interests me why sibling does... I'll never ask of course.

But it's not even this sibling that cares for my mother (Alzheimer's) - he doesn't speak highly of that sibling, even though she does all the donkey work, changes beds, cooks dinner, keeps our mother clean & tidy.. he would never even give her £20 for a treat for herself, yet apparently leaves envelopes of cash on the other siblings work top.

Families, eh?

Goldmandra · 17/05/2017 23:40

OP, I feel your pain.

My Dsis is very well off, has a cleaner, etc. My DM has always bent over backwards to look after her children on her terms, bought their shoes and clothes, washes and tidies at Dsis's house, even pays for my DNs if we go out for family meals and activities.

It's quite the opposite with us and it can be really hard to swallow at times.

My advice would be expect absolutely nothing. Never ask, then you can't be upset by the refusal.

SaveMeBarry · 17/05/2017 23:40

Floralnomad I think you've hit the nail on the head. It's not even done deliberately or spitefully necessarily, it's often just a case of the adult child being cast in a certain "role" and that's that, it doesn't change!

All the more reason for Op to make arrangements that work for her, DD and DH. Everyone else can fit in around that.

Original poster
ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 23:42

So, just say no? How do I stop the feeling from DM that I should behave differently?

Let me give you an example. I was 7 months pregnant and we were at a we'll know enclosed swimming world (centre Parcs). I was exhausted and DM knew this. She was staying in another house to me and Dbro. I asked if she wanted us to set and alarm and Dbro said. 'No, don't worry, my baby will wake us at 7am.'

The baby didn't. No one answered the door when she knocked. I had the best nights sleep I had had in months and she was angry with me when no one answered the door. To be clear there was me, DH, Dbro and DSIL and no one heard the door but it was my fault.

She apologised later and said she was really angry with me but didn't understand why.

OP posts:
Topuptheglass · 17/05/2017 23:42

Regarding the death of your uncle.

You say your mother thought about not going. Is this fairly typical of her?
Were they not close?

Just wondering if her behaviour is typical of her?

Original poster
ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 23:43

Gold - I hear ya' But I never ever asked.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 17/05/2017 23:43

I think, see her when YOU want to and work hard at not taking care of her so much. It doesn't feel like it now but this conflict/disappointment will move you forwards - maybe you will now feel you have the right to set your boundaries. I hope so. You don't have to be so available to her or take care of her so much. Practice that.

It's tough but for me my wrangles over this issue fuelled progression with my own hang ups. I had PND too so in a way I didn't know up from down emotionally at the time.

But my mum, although maddening, did do the right thing in telling me and it has actually helped our relationship in the long term. Although it felt terrible at the time.

Im sure it hurts a lot to think your mum moved to be nearer to your golden sis, and no doubt there is a lot of injustice there through the years, but in my experience the difference between early sixties and early seventies is pretty massive in terms of energy. So your mum is simply not the same person ten years later and not so capable.

Topuptheglass · 17/05/2017 23:44

You're the scapegoat op.

Original poster
ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 23:44

TopUp - she likes to be in control and understands (very well) the steps of bereavement and so 'decided' to skip some steps. And then realised that she does need to go. But...like my sister she decides she doesn't need help and will 'cope' and then everyone seems to pile in with offers of help.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 23:45

Do I just care too much?

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 17/05/2017 23:45

Ps I just mean less capable in terms of running around/child-hefting.

SaveMeBarry · 17/05/2017 23:46

What's the best way to get out of this 'helpful' box I've been put into? Did is going away this weekend and DM was annoying that I was busy and not able to help her with the kids

You stop. Let her be annoyed, you can't control how she feels. Don't over explain yourself. You have plans this weekend. No, you can't change them. You're sure she'll manage just fine. All said very calmly. And then change the subject. If she keeps at it just repeat! Or get off the phone/ out of her presence because you have [something you must do]

Topuptheglass · 17/05/2017 23:46

It would be the talk of the village around here if someone didn't attend their brother's funeral! Grin

GoodDayToYou · 17/05/2017 23:48

Maybe have a few rehearsed phrases up your sleeve ready? Eg. "I'm not sure. I'll have to check my diary and get back to you."

KickAssAngel · 17/05/2017 23:48

Because your sister is a fuckwit who can't even do her own laundry so your DMum expects you to make up for it emotionally and practically.
My sister doesn't work and I have a full time job but I always hear how busy my sister is. Her husband is a multi millionaire (many times over) but DH and I both work. Guess who my mum helps out? I minimize how much this hurts by living thousands of miles away. I think you should move and start putting yourself first. Organize your own childcare, your work/life balance, and then for your family in as it suits you. They'll learn eventually.

Original poster
ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 23:50

But SaveMe - can you help me with exactly why she expects me to help and no one else? I used to think it's cause when everyone else moved out (my sis is 13yrs older, golden sis is 11yrs older, Dbro is 16months older) I was still there to help when my nan got ill? I really don't get why she expects so much better of me when she's unprepared to give me better?

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread