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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why has she made a promise she cannot keep? I feel so let down.

169 replies

ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 22:59

What do I do now?

DM has decided she isn't sure about looking after DD two days a week, despite offering consistently over the last 13 months. (I gave her the 'adult me' response and said it was fine but I've been upset most of today.

Adult me
Yes, worry about yourself and make sure you have enough time for you and to relax. It's not set in stone and never was. You're not responsible for my daughter, we are. It's fine. Your brother has just died and I will make sure you get to the funeral, fucking miles away, the day before I'm due to go on holiday. I understand you're not feeling great so I'll bring you over some lovely food and my baby for a hug.

Child me
Are you fucking joking? I work 2hrs away and was relying on your help. You moved to be near my sister 10+yrs ago and now I have moved here to be near my family you are not interested, despite taking up three days a week of my maternity leave, every week. I let you have those because you live alone and you are lonely. I had an EMCS 5 months ago and last week you asked me where the teabags are - so you've not been helping at all, have you? Nope, pop over for a free lunch and fill your days up. I'll always be there, bringing you food when you're ill. My sister has an amazing job and a cleaner and you still do her washing for her as she regularly runs out of clean underwear and her children's shoes don't fit unless you replace them.

Thanks for leaving me in a hole.

I'm calling the nursery tomorrow to see if I can have extra days but AIBU to feel fucking put out and like I've moved closer for nothing?!?

OP posts:

SaveMeBarry · 17/05/2017 23:50

Childish honest question: do you "care too much" about her or is it her approval? If it's the first one she doesn't sound like a frail old lady that needs so much time and practical support so I'd pull back there. If it's the second one only you can change that.

Original poster

ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 23:52

KickAss - thank you. My oldest sister has gone completely NC with all of us. Now I think I see some of her points.

OP posts:

SaveMeBarry · 17/05/2017 23:53

Because she's used to it! She expects you to step up and you always do. I'm serious when I say stop. I get it because I was like you 10 years ago but I gradually realised that I was being taken for granted and it wasn't good for me.

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/05/2017 23:54

OP we just get assigned roles. It just happens. Like you I was/am supposed to be the care taker. I'm moving out of that role - it takes time.

In a way it doesn't matter why - it just matters that you step outside of it. No one will collapse and die! Redefine your role yourself. I am in the process of that myself.

Original poster

ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 23:54

SaveMe - I think I'm the only one who really cares for her in a practical way. And that makes it more pressure to be here for her. Even when I lived in London I called her every day as sometimes she doesn't speak to anyone all day (when she's not at work). Then when she helps out at Dsis's house they come in from work and can't be arsed to speak to her so she slopes off.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 17/05/2017 23:55

I'd be tempted to move somewhere more convenient. I know I couldnit hold back from saying 1. 'you offered! This is making things really difficult for me!' And 2. At least looking up houses and talking about moving and 3. There is no way I would be doing so much helping others who don't care. Friends and family who do appreciate it absolutely. Food banks, local charities and refugees absolutely.
And I would ask her to do more around the house. If I visited my mum I would do dishes and vice versa.

Original poster

ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 23:55

SaveMe the next 'thing' is the funeral so do I opt out of that? I'm not sure I can.

As a total aside I'm so grateful for all of your help - DH wouldn't have a clue what to say.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChildishGambino · 17/05/2017 23:57

TimeIs - I'm thinking I should mention about moving as it's utterly ridiculous that I've broken my back to be near family who will not help out. I might as well live 5mins from work with a bigger house.

OP posts:

SaveMeBarry · 17/05/2017 23:58

I can't understand why she would do so much for your sister if she barely gets a civil word out of her. Are you sure your mum isn't just running one down to the other?

Even if it is true, your mother is prepared to put up with that. So you don't approve that she's (possibly) being taken for granted but you're allowing yourself to be treated the same way.

Op you cannot change how other people behave but you can change how you react to them.

FeralBeryl · 17/05/2017 23:59

Yep, you're firmly in the 'oh Gambino will be fine/not mind/sort it/take the blame' box.

The childcare issue is the metaphorical bucket of cold water that you needed. You cannot rely on anyone here, having your own hold is going to be the catalyst to you standing up for yourself.
This next part is not going to be pleasant for any of you. For your mum learning that you aren't going to accept things so willingly, and for you to keep being nice but firm about your choices.
Definitely arrange paid childcare elsewhere. You will never, never break this cycle whilst you are beholden to her doing you any favours.
Let her time with her GD be time she chooses rather than allowing her to imply it's any type of burden. That would damage your relationship far more.

When you feel strong enough down the line, do speak to her about how you feel.

Can I ask what type of things your NC sister complained of?

Mummmy2017 · 18/05/2017 00:00

I used to do lots for others, I now think what do they do for me nothing, So I stopped. Expect nothing and you don't come a cropper, if your mum asks to have the baby, get her to baby sit and have a night out with your husband instead.

You will find paying for the childcare cost you, but the not having to deal with being GRATEFUL is so worth the cost.

When your mother asks tell her you worried about her feeling tied to the childcare and decided to just sort it to be safe for cover.

As to the other bit your sister, well your mum has got stuck in the pattern and I bet she moans about her to friends, this way you can feel smug your not like your sister.
Self worth does count for a lot...

BouleBaker · 18/05/2017 00:00

See through the promise you have made for the funeral. This is about being true to who you want to be. Keep your promise

Then start putting you and your family first. Prioritise your time with them and if you do get cast as a scapegoat, call it out "there were 4 people who didn't answer the door, why are you not angry with the other three?"

The only way to change how they treat you is to change how you act and react. Take on the role you want in the family and behave the way you want to behave.

Original poster

ChildishGambino · 18/05/2017 00:02

SaveMe she absolutely is running is down to each other: she tells my sister how great I am and tells me how great my sister is...but that doesn't really help.

In all truth I think my DM likes being taken for granted and now I think I've caught some weird bug from her - but just for certain people!!?

OP posts:

SaveMeBarry · 18/05/2017 00:04

No you can't opt out of the funeral. Look I'm not suggesting you do anything spiteful or deliberately let her down after you've committed to something. Rather you need to not commit to so much.

You know your mother and her expectations. Think about what you currently do and how you'd like that to change. Anticipate what might be asked/expected of you and if it doesn't suit have your polite refusal ready. E.g. Does she often expect your help or company when she has your dsis children? If that's the case and you find it wearing then maybe you decide every second or third request will get a "oh we actually have plans, maybe next time".

Original poster

ChildishGambino · 18/05/2017 00:05

Feral - it's hard as she was quite ill but I think he closeness of my sister and my mum really really hurt her. She went through a really tough time and lashed out in the most hurtful of ways. I have always adored her but she cut me off first (weirdly I'm seen as very blunt and honest about things). But she wrote a letter to my DM about her whole life and how selfish she was.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChildishGambino · 18/05/2017 00:08

SaveMe - they both have this weird way about them where they expect nothing but you know what they need - exactly what hey need, and end up offering without them ever having to ask. The funeral is just one example of that but there have been manager times where you just know what they want and feel like you're doing them a huge favour thattheycouldntpossiblyhavesolvedwithout youloveyoumwah!? How does that even work. Fuck, I hope they're not on here.

OP posts:

SaveMeBarry · 18/05/2017 00:09

childish obviously there are more issues here than just childcare. The thing is you actually have a golden opportunity to take a big step back from the family. You have a young child, you're returning to work, you simply won't have the time anymore. Honestly, it might be better again to consider another move! Distance helps

Original poster

ChildishGambino · 18/05/2017 00:11

Thank you - I've been away for a long time (10yrs) and thought this was a really positive move before we got married and had DD as I genuinely thought I'd have more support. I might as well have stayed in London.

OP posts:

SaveMeBarry · 18/05/2017 00:13

Ah see offering without them ever having to ask that's the people pleaser in you isn't it? Only you can change that!

Stop offering. Bite your tongue. They don't have a magic wand to control you, you are doing this. I get why of course but the point is no one is going to change the status quo except you. Why would they when it works for them??

Original poster

ChildishGambino · 18/05/2017 00:13

SaveMe - I had to point out to her today that she will not see DD apart from weekends (when we aren't busy) and she got a bit uppity.

Again - thanks all. This is a real life issue and I appreciate all of your comments and experiences.

I'm so glad I joined Mumsnet - you lot are pretty amazing (when we're not al being vipers)!

OP posts:

Original poster

ChildishGambino · 18/05/2017 00:15

I agree, I should start saying 'oh no, that's really tough'. But I love them...it's against every bone of my being to say I can't help if I know I can. My issue, I know.

OP posts:

KickAssAngel · 18/05/2017 00:16

Some parents just do have favorite s and there's often no logical reason. It often gets handed down through families. My grandma favored my uncle over my mum because penis. My mum favored my sister because first born. My sister favors her older child for the same reason. It's not your fault and you don't have to fix it. Even your NC sis has followed the pattern. Just move and get a better life. They may actually like you more if you stop feeding into the crap.

Teabagtits · 18/05/2017 00:16

No yanbu to feel put out. My mum made all sorts of promises to me about childcare and helping me when I was really ill and on nasty immunosuppressant medication and when I needed her the most she moved 200 miles away!

She has form for this and I shouldn't have relied on her promises. She's making promises again for when this baby arrives but I'm struggling to believe her.

ginswinger · 18/05/2017 00:18

Grrr.... I am completely with you.

My mother, a week before I went back to work, suddenly announced she wanted to be paid for childcare (she'd offered one day a week), so I wouldn't take her for granted. I was gobsmacked. I'm a single mum with no support from my DC's father so I'm not exactly rolling in cash. I really didn't feel comfortable about paying her so I managed to get an extra day at nursery instead.
I felt so let down, if money was an issue then fair enough but she owns six houses. She would talk about how much she enjoyed time with her only grandchild but sadly it wasn't to be.
My DD see her Grandma for a day (6 hours whilst I work) a month despite us living less than a mile away. If I ask for any more help, she sighs a lot and reminds me that she has a life. Fair enough, she does but I am already juggling so much, adding her into the mix is exhausting.

Conversely, her husband who's not biologically related to my daughter, revels in his Granddaughter, will go into school and help and meet her in the playground after school when I need some help.

Original poster

ChildishGambino · 18/05/2017 00:19

Teabag

KissAss - I did it! I moved away for 10 fucking years and all I got was 'we hope you move closer', 'niece really misses you.'

Bull. Shit.

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