AIBU to be so angry?

[LostandConfused24]

This is going to be a bit long so I apologise in advance.

My DD and I moved from overseas to be with my DH as he wanted to start fresh in his home country. I was fine with this as I hadn't done much traveling in my life and thought it would be a good experience.

However since moving here he has started a new career and it seems he doesn't know how to turn it off or create a balance. At first I put this off as to just being it's his first real job and he wants to do well and that he would learn to balance.

We then learn that we were expecting DS. All fine and dandy apart from work issues again, but once again I also put this off to wanting to get everything sorted before he took paternity leave when our son was born etc.

A few weeks after DS is born my DH is offered a promotion that will take him out of the house more, take him away on numerous overnights a month, and is barely a pay increase whatsoever after taxes. I told him I did not think it was the best time to be taking a new role like this as we were struggling within our marriage and just had our DS and already had DD (toddler) at home. He took the job anyway without discussing anything with me or telling me any details. It was just a temporary cover so I was annoyed but got over it as he kept insisting it would benefit everyone and move him forward in the business.

A few months down the line we are fighting all the time, but only related to work issues such as never turning off, coming home hours late, and him being gone 25-50% of the month on these overnights. They then decide to offer him the role full time but say we have to move to a bigger city area.

I was fine with this move because we would be closer to certain people and there were more opportunities and things for kids and I to do in bigger city. We started to see somebody together to talk about issues and it seemed to be going a bit better. Just the occasional fight here and there, still work related. But it really seemed he was starting to listen to me and understand why I was upset about certain things and I did try to be more understanding if work things came up.

Fast forward again a few months and he's offered another promotion that required another move. I expressed that I did not want him to take it. I didn't think we were in the best place to be moving and for him to be taking on more at work. However this was ignored and he took it anyway as he wants to move forward. He sold the job off to me as that he would be only working set hours (9-5 M-F), wouldn't have to be away on overnights, and we would live close to work so he would be able to get home earlier. There really wasn't a take home pay increase after tax so we aren't really any better off.

Now we're in new house and role has started. We moved in over a weekend and he started following Monday, normal and fine. The first two nights of the job they have him out for dinners until 930-10pm. This means he did not see our kids at all these days. There have been even more of these since. Multiple a week. These are not work required, just socialising with each other. Once in a while I wouldn't mind but all the time is just taking the piss IMO.

As well as this, even though he starts at 9 he leaves everyday at 730 to get there by 8 and insists everyone does this. I told him everyone isn't in the same situation as we are and I would like if he had breakfast with us/spent time with kids in morning. This was ignored and he's said he will be leaving at 730 every morning to get to office at 8. I said then I want him to leave work on time, as he's been leaving more than an hour and a half after work ends everyday, again same excuse that everyone else does this.

He spends very little time with the kids, and as a SAHM (because we can't afford childcare) I never get a break or time to myself and I'm so exhausted all the time. He's home on weekends, but he just wants to relax at that point so it isn't much help. He's more of the "fun" parent so I'm still stuck changing, feeding, and cleaning kids. I feel like he's leaving us in the dust for his career and that I really have no say in my own life.

He is at times really great and we only fight when it comes down to family versus work situations but he never sees my side of things. I feel like I'm just expected to give and give and I just don't think I have anything left.

We had a huge row this morning and he just refuses to listen to anything I'm saying and just tries to turn it into something else or just tries to walk out of house to ignore me. I know violence is never the answer but I'm at my breaking point and I'm so tired of being ignored and left behind and I smacked him on the back today as he was trying to walk away from me.

I know I was BU to smack him, I feel crappy about it. But AIBU to be this fed up? If I wanted to raise the kids alone I would have just stayed in my country closer to my family where I had support.

@RainbowsAndUnicorn I didn't say he can't choose his job. But when it comes to a promotion and a move that affects the entire family it isn't just his decision. He's the sole earner because he wanted to move countries. I had a good job before we moved. I had to give that up to move here. I can't get a new one because he doesn't make enough to cover the cost of childcare.

And @counterpoint I don't know what world you're living in but your spouse is supposed to be a support network for you. Especially if they ask you to leave an entire life behind.

Lost - I think your core issue here is not whether you're working or not, but the fact that you don't trust your DH.

I have 4 children to a workaholic husband and most women I know have been pretty much in the same boat. As a PP said earlier, you get your head around the fact that you don't need their help.They have a different, but equally important focus. They are dealing with the long term financial stability if the family, you are focusing on the day to day - both are equally important. To be successful, you have to accept it and get out there and make your own support networks.

If you were working, you may be less isolated in a sense, but -

• your income would still probably be less than his, so you will still be financially dependent on him to some extent
• you would still be doing everything you're doing now that's DC / home related as he is unlikely to adapt to the fact you are working
• you would resent him on this basis
• you would still be in his country and not home
• you would see less if your DC and be guilty about having to juggle everything, while his career will continue without impediment
• you still won't trust him

I've been a SAHM for 10 years. I was able to embrace the role, but ONLY because I trust DH, finances are shared, he doesn't interfere in my "sphere" and we have mutual respect. Plus I have built up a support network over the years.

If you don't trust someone, the issues will persist, regardless of your circumstances.

@ka1eidosc0pe where have I stated that I don't trust him?

I meant that you don't have confidence that he's acting in the interests of you and his family, rather than his own selfish interests. Do you have shared finances? Apologies if I misunderstood, but when you said you would have to save up for the flights to get home, it didn't sound like you have equal access to money?

OP your situation sounds intolerable.

Im all honesty, if I were you I would be saving up for flights home. Make some (false) plans for when you are back in the Uk. And then stay home with your children.

Sorry, that is probably awful advice. But your partner is making it abundantly clear that he will not listen to you. The fact that he refers to "his" money and "his" house is fucking unforgivable. How dare he?

Lost - I think your core issue here is not whether you're working or not, but the fact that you don't trust your DH.

I think the issue is that she doesn't want to be a SAHM and he hasn't given her the option to do otherwise. Instead he has made all the decisions for the family. In terms of money I don't think her DH sounds like that high an earner.

@Increasinglymiddleaged exactly. I don't know entirely what is considered a high earner here but I would assume we're probably mid spectrum.

To be honest, he probably doesn't earn 'mid spectrum', if you and him can't afford to pay for the childcare if you go out to work.

@innagazing what is considered to be low, mid, and high here then?

Where we live for both of my kids to be in nursery full time it averages around £2000 a month.

As for his job, he is the one doing it and the sole earner so should have the majority say in what he does. Most adults choose their own job, not their spouses.

Ok, so in that case when the OP manages to magic up a job despite the difficulties she has already mentioned, then she gets to decide about it. Even if it is the other side of the country and it would involve the family re-locating? She gets the final say? Yeah right, he will just shut her down and say no we are not moving for your job and we are not shelling out for childcare so you can't do it. Its a foregone conclusion because he thinks he is more important than her in the relationship.

LostandConfused try a childminder - cheaper than a nursery and a really lovely form of childcare IME.

Will your oldest child have a nursery place soon?

@BorisTrumpsHair I've found a few but when you calculate out the hourly rate for each child it ends up being around the same. I don't know if it's just because we live in a big city area that the charges are so much or what but it's just not an option for us financially to shell out £2000 a month on childcare.

I live in central London and used to pay £200pw for full time care for my child with a very good CM. Might be up to £250pw now I guess.

For FT CM I never paid an hourly rate - I paid a weekly rate & when she looked after 2 DC I got a "discount" on the 2nd child, so don't be guided too much by the hourly rate.

As a working single parent I also received some tax credits towards childcare, though Universal credit may have changed things now. (my 2 are in school now and I no longer apply for tax credits ). I am also an immigrant (though I'm British now) and am "trapped" here against my will really as I would not take my DC away from their Brit father (nor will the courts allow me to I guess).

No one is saying leaving your relationship will be easy and you must feel overwhelmed by your circumstances. Having no option is not really an option if you want to improve your lives.

OP, of course you (as a couple) wouldn't want to spend £2000 a month on childcare if you aren't working. But we are suggesting it so you can get a job. Surely in the south-east, most jobs would bring home 2,000 a month?

Plus see above comments re. childminder on weekly rate + second child discount? And could your DH's family help out once a week maybe to bring that cost down further?

Or, could you get a weekend job?

Maybe this sounds over simplistic, but surely you can back your husband into a corner about you getting a job. If he is going to talk about his house and his money, surely that is the perfect time to say "well, if you don't see our money as shared, then I don't like not having my own money. So I will be getting a job and you need to facilitate my interviews." Surely he cannot argue with that.

Hope it works out.

Excuse the 1,000,000 "surely"s in my list above