AIBU to be so angry?

[LostandConfused24]

This is going to be a bit long so I apologise in advance.

My DD and I moved from overseas to be with my DH as he wanted to start fresh in his home country. I was fine with this as I hadn't done much traveling in my life and thought it would be a good experience.

However since moving here he has started a new career and it seems he doesn't know how to turn it off or create a balance. At first I put this off as to just being it's his first real job and he wants to do well and that he would learn to balance.

We then learn that we were expecting DS. All fine and dandy apart from work issues again, but once again I also put this off to wanting to get everything sorted before he took paternity leave when our son was born etc.

A few weeks after DS is born my DH is offered a promotion that will take him out of the house more, take him away on numerous overnights a month, and is barely a pay increase whatsoever after taxes. I told him I did not think it was the best time to be taking a new role like this as we were struggling within our marriage and just had our DS and already had DD (toddler) at home. He took the job anyway without discussing anything with me or telling me any details. It was just a temporary cover so I was annoyed but got over it as he kept insisting it would benefit everyone and move him forward in the business.

A few months down the line we are fighting all the time, but only related to work issues such as never turning off, coming home hours late, and him being gone 25-50% of the month on these overnights. They then decide to offer him the role full time but say we have to move to a bigger city area.

I was fine with this move because we would be closer to certain people and there were more opportunities and things for kids and I to do in bigger city. We started to see somebody together to talk about issues and it seemed to be going a bit better. Just the occasional fight here and there, still work related. But it really seemed he was starting to listen to me and understand why I was upset about certain things and I did try to be more understanding if work things came up.

Fast forward again a few months and he's offered another promotion that required another move. I expressed that I did not want him to take it. I didn't think we were in the best place to be moving and for him to be taking on more at work. However this was ignored and he took it anyway as he wants to move forward. He sold the job off to me as that he would be only working set hours (9-5 M-F), wouldn't have to be away on overnights, and we would live close to work so he would be able to get home earlier. There really wasn't a take home pay increase after tax so we aren't really any better off.

Now we're in new house and role has started. We moved in over a weekend and he started following Monday, normal and fine. The first two nights of the job they have him out for dinners until 930-10pm. This means he did not see our kids at all these days. There have been even more of these since. Multiple a week. These are not work required, just socialising with each other. Once in a while I wouldn't mind but all the time is just taking the piss IMO.

As well as this, even though he starts at 9 he leaves everyday at 730 to get there by 8 and insists everyone does this. I told him everyone isn't in the same situation as we are and I would like if he had breakfast with us/spent time with kids in morning. This was ignored and he's said he will be leaving at 730 every morning to get to office at 8. I said then I want him to leave work on time, as he's been leaving more than an hour and a half after work ends everyday, again same excuse that everyone else does this.

He spends very little time with the kids, and as a SAHM (because we can't afford childcare) I never get a break or time to myself and I'm so exhausted all the time. He's home on weekends, but he just wants to relax at that point so it isn't much help. He's more of the "fun" parent so I'm still stuck changing, feeding, and cleaning kids. I feel like he's leaving us in the dust for his career and that I really have no say in my own life.

He is at times really great and we only fight when it comes down to family versus work situations but he never sees my side of things. I feel like I'm just expected to give and give and I just don't think I have anything left.

We had a huge row this morning and he just refuses to listen to anything I'm saying and just tries to turn it into something else or just tries to walk out of house to ignore me. I know violence is never the answer but I'm at my breaking point and I'm so tired of being ignored and left behind and I smacked him on the back today as he was trying to walk away from me.

I know I was BU to smack him, I feel crappy about it. But AIBU to be this fed up? If I wanted to raise the kids alone I would have just stayed in my country closer to my family where I had support.

Smacking him should be a wake up call - something has to change. Unfortunately, you can't change him, so the only person you can work on is yourself. Maybe you need to find ways to make your life easier - whether that's childcare, finding a better support system, trying to find time for yourself etc. He's obviously not going to listen to you - you've hit him, and that hasn't made him see how serious you are. Where do you go from there?

If you can't find ways to live with the way things are now, and he won't listen to you, then where does that leave you? I'm not saying 'LTB' - am always amazed at how quickly people come out with that on here - but you have to be realistic about your options. And you have to find ways to manage your anger and frustration - it's incredibly unfair when a woman hits a man. If he hits you back, he's automatically the bad guy.

Having said all that - it sounds like an incredibly tough situation, and I really hope you find a solution.

The fact that you smacked him is a bit of a red herring here. The main problem that you are asking for help with is the fact that you have been completely left high and dry here and misled about what your relationship and life was going to be.

Are you an EU citizen (for what it's worth in the UK now these days)? Do you have qualifications/experience? I think that the first thing to do is to get back to work right away. If your salary doesn't cover 100% of the childcare, then tough shit for your husband - childcare is a family cost, not a wife cost, so it comes out of the joint account. Presumably after a year or two your salary goes up, and you'll get your nursery hours soon enough, and then school.

Getting yourself financially independent would be my first thought here.

There's not a lot you can do about his working hours - if he has a good job and is aiming to advance in his career after a hiatus from his addiction problems, then expecting him to work only 9 - 5 is unrealistic. Most people wanting to advance in a good career are going to be working 8 - 6, in my experience, anyway. It would be lovely for all working parents to always be there for children's dinner and bathtime in the evening, but it's not always possible.

I'm assuming that the reason his promotion salary increase was eaten up by tax is because he went up a tax bracket, so he's not working for £8 an hour or something, right?

Get back to work, pronto. Carve out your own niche and when you feel less helpless (because you are in a miserable position right now, and I have every sympathy) you will be stronger and more able to make positive decisions.

@icanteven no not an EU citizen but I do have a visa that allows me to work. I've had a few interviews that have gone well but when it comes between the choice of me and someone from here with equal qualifications I tend to lose out especially as my visa has an end date because they make you renew them every few years.

I can understand your loneliness and frustration being isolated with a small children. It must be even harder in a new country with no family support.

I do think you are being hard on your DH, it is a massive responsibility being the sole bread winner for a family. If he were to lose his job or be demoted it would hit you all very hard, so it is understandable and to his credit that he is going the extra mile and putting in extra hours and effort to ensure he can continue to support you all.

I think it is telling that you say your arguments are about family vs work. I think that is the crux of this - you are seeing work as a rival for his time and attention rather than the thing which is giving your children the massive privilege and advantage of having a full time SAHM.

I know it is easier to say this than to do it, but try and get out more with your children. Make local friends and contacts so your life isn't just trapped in the house feeling lonely and neglected and becoming increasingly enraged by his absence.

Don't be too hard on him or yourself. The transition from couple to family is hard on everyone, even without the added strains of a history of addiction and a relocation.

And apologise for hitting him. I still remember with deep shame the time (nearly 25 years ago) I was in a similar position and hit my infuriating workacholic husband. It wasn't until we eventually went to couples counselling I realised the immense pressure he was under at work to perform at a high level and retain his job and realised that my going on at him at home had made his difficult situation even worse.

I've just realised that you're now living in the UK so that does give you more options in terms of getting financial support if you were to leave him.
I don't think you'd be stopped taking your child out of the country against his will if you wanted to return to your country of origin

@Liiinoo we have gone to counselling and obviously the full story isn't on here but everything we've done has been for him and to support him. The counsellor has even said to him he has to start listening to my needs and reciprocating support. My support level for him is slowly dying away because everything I need is ignored. I just can't keep up everything.

I can only assume that the people fixating on the smack have never been at breaking point before?
OP has come here basically saying that she has a husband who promises to be around but then takes job after job without consulting her, forcing them to move. Literally telling her that her opinions mean nothing.
OP basically has no control over anything in her life.
I can't imagine what you are going through. I think you really only have two options, find a way to live a life in the marriage that doesn't actually involve your husband, or leave. You can't repair the relationship because it is his behaviors that need to change.
For everyone going on at OP about the smack she had already said she knows it was wrong! Aside from going back in time there's nothing she can do about it now.

I just want to say that people are not for hitting but that the reason it's deemed so unacceptable for men to hit women, as people are saying on this thread - a man would be torn apart on this thread if he'd done the same - is that it's not the same. The situation of a woman being hit by a man is completely different if you take into account the broader situation. Domestic abuse is committed by both sexes but intimate partner murder, rape, actual bodily harm, family annhialation, these are all crimes committed almost exclusively by men in relationships with women. So stop giving her such a hard time about that and help with the actual problem which is that she has become so frustrated by her own powerlessness that she's lost her self control. How does she address her situation and take back some control over her life? It's so unhelpful to women generally when people take this sanctimonious approach and flatten out the reality of male violence as though it's not. a gendered problem. And before you all start telling me about statistics of men being abused in relationships, consider the distinction between number of occurrences of abuse and severity of risk of death and serious injury, also remember that many of those abused men are in relationship with other men.

Before even thinking about your relationship, you have to admit that you are exhausted and need help. Go to your local library/community and you will find that there are several activities for mother and toddlers in the afternoon: go there, have some time off your children and talk to other women. A lot will be in your same situation: in sole charge of their children with husbands working long hours.
Establish some sort of safety net with them - it will take time but it will happen. You help them with their kids they help you with yours. You will then be free to have 1 precious hour for yourself to relax, read and/or think.
Most importantly, you will not feel so lonely and, hopefully, will stop begging help from your husband - note: I am not saying that this is wrong but at this very moment for whatever reason it is not helping and you are escalating to physical contact in order to try to be heard - still you are not.
I do not want to say anything about your relationship with your husband because obviously you are facing some difficulties but, hey! who did not, and what you are experiencing is very very common.
Also, try to understand how to achieve permanent residency in this country and how to ,eventually, start working. Again, at the library you will find courses and help.
I know it is hard and difficult with 2 kids but work does take you to another place, with other people and in a kids free space. You love your kids, they love you but you need time off.

And say sorry to your husband tonight - hitting is never a good idea but I am sure that at that time it felt the only thing that you could do to be heard. Sorry about this one event does not mean he can go on not listening to you.

Believe me,I have been tempted to hit my husband many many times when my children were small and I totally understand your loneliness.

xx

OP, I'm sorry that things are so hard. We also struggled at this stage, especially with work life balance for my DH. I think it will get easier with time if you can get past the baby stage. If you are experienced in childcare and your dP is not then maybe it's easier for him to see his role as providing an income and developing a career for the long term rather than being a hands on dad. This is the view many of us had in our childhoods and it can be hard to change.

Don't give up! I would suggest giving him some easy set tasks eg taking one of the kids to a club or park on Saturday for an hour, or special daddy bedtime on Sunday night. Make them as easy as possible for him and praise their relationship. Then increase gradually.

The other thing is to find a support network outside your home. Lots of sahms round here have husbands who work away or crazy hours (or don't find childcare easy so avoid it!). We stick together, support each other and share our frustrations. Parent and Toddler groups are a good place to meet them.

Good luck, stick with it

Seeing that you are not a British citizens, the first I would do is get the British citizenship (expensive and not easy, I know, been there)and ensure that your ds also has your own citizenship.

Regardless of how things are going to evolve, yu want to protect yourself and your dd so yu aren't in a situation where your ds stays in the uk but your and your dd have to be away.

Can you come home? You're clearly unhappy, and things aren't about to change.

@SaorAlbaGuBrath I don't have the money for the flights, I sold my home and car to move here. I would have nowhere to go and no way to support myself and the kids. I'm essentially stuck here until I can find a way to save up money to leave if that's the course I take.

Re your needs been met, what worked for me was to ensurevthese needs were met no matter what.
No waiting for him to actually listen to me and support me but me taking what I needed.
In practice, it meant me 'dumping the dcs in him' at weekend and doing my own things so I could have a break and do something I enjoyed.
It meant telling him that he was, from now on, responsible of the ironing and to never touch an iron again.
It did work. And I know DH found it hard work (esp being left in his own with the dcs for a whole day or weekend) BUT I needed it and the choice was that or the marriage imploding.

@Oddsocksforeveryone thank you! And obviously I have given bits and pieces but not the full story of everything that's ever happened in the relationship.

I keep getting comments to go out etc but I did that in the last two places and then just had to move as soon as I made friends. I'm a bit hesitant because I don't want to gain a support network just to lose it again.

I've vented to some of my friends about this back home and they think it seems as though he wants me to be trapped and rely on him. Like he's almost getting off on having the control and power.

Do you see bank accounts? How sure are you that he has had no wage increase and cannot pay for childcare to give you a break?

Can you get an au pair?

Yes violence is not acceptable. It's clearly not the norm and should not be repeated. You are at breaking point.

I can't believe the number of people suggesting OP just needs to put up with coming second fiddle to her husband's job as he is "working hard to get on". More than that, she what she needs to do is "understand how much pressure he is under" being the sole bread winner and then find a way to make things better on her own. Essentially, that her needs should be subordinate to his, even when the situation is making her deeply unhappy. This is total rubbish, IMO.

Relationships don't work well if only one persons needs are acknowledged and met. It's great that her husband is working hard and getting on, and earning to support his family but that doesn't always mean he can ignore his family/parental responsibilities. Or ignore OPs distress. In my experience, people don't just work like this "for their family", they do it for themselves too. Because they enjoy the work/the challenge. Because it is more exciting than being at home dealing with young children. I don't entirely buy this is completely selfless on his part.

They need to work together to come to mutual agreeable way forward. What doesn't work is an agreement being made at counselling and then him ignoring it. He's putting work before his relationship, which is his right but it doesn't mean OP has to put up and shut up "so her husband is not stressed by her nagging".

Sounds like OP also works hard but does not get any break. She planned to work when they moved, but has not been able to due to cost of childcare. Her staying at home may be seen as a privilege by some, but she is doing this partly through lack of choice. The OP staying at home also allows her DH to spend all this time at work. If this relationship is going to work both need to compromise, not just OP.

LostandConfused24 That's fantastic that you're getting interviews (and applying for jobs in the first place). I understand that it's exhausting and frustrating that the visa thing is holding you back. Does your employer have to renew your visa for you? I know that companies have to apply (and pay) to be allowed to hire people who need visas to start work in the UK, and and most small companies don't have the resources for this, so it would be worth checking the technicalities of this so that you don't waste your time applying to companies who physically can't renew your visa. If you go into interviews armed with the information that they CAN do this easily, then it will incline them more towards you, I imagine.

You're doing brilliantly. Keep applying, keep researching potential employers.

In all seriousness I would decide whether you want to go back to joint therapy, or whether you have reached the end of the road and have no choive but to leave.

If therapy would help, book it ASAP and give him the ultimatum of going (AND taking it seriously) or losing you and the children.

Either way, I would suggest making an appointment with the Citizens Advice Bureau to talk through your options.

And yes, OP should definitely apologise to her husband as hitting him was completely wrong and no excuses. Which she has acknowledged.

@icanteven what makes it worse is that since he is the only earner when we argue he makes a point that it's "his" money and "his" house etc. He makes me feel bad about not working when in reality I can't because I would need a job that pays enough, which I've struggled to find here being in my position. My references can't really be checked or called unless they make international calls. It's just a tough situation. I've applied to so many but have only gotten a few interviews and then in the end it gets down to me or someone else from here and I don't get picked. And it will be hard to even find an interview time as he isn't ever here to take care of kids for me to go.

That's really hard, OP, and I can see why you're feeling a little trapped and helpless.

He's being a shit to you. To be fair, my DH was similar (not quite as bad, and I hadn't left my home country to be with him) when mine were little - working all hours, and I did suspect he sometimes did so to avoid kids bath & bedtime/ returning to a harassed and exhausted wife. But I had family around me, as a support, and I could have left him if it had come to that.

In my case, it got a lot easier as the DC got older. I had more time to myself as they started preschool/school, and DH did take more interest in the children as they got older. He doesn't work very long hours at all now - and does genuinely make an effort to come back from work in time to see the DC, help with homework etc.