AIBU to be so angry?

[LostandConfused24]

This is going to be a bit long so I apologise in advance.

My DD and I moved from overseas to be with my DH as he wanted to start fresh in his home country. I was fine with this as I hadn't done much traveling in my life and thought it would be a good experience.

However since moving here he has started a new career and it seems he doesn't know how to turn it off or create a balance. At first I put this off as to just being it's his first real job and he wants to do well and that he would learn to balance.

We then learn that we were expecting DS. All fine and dandy apart from work issues again, but once again I also put this off to wanting to get everything sorted before he took paternity leave when our son was born etc.

A few weeks after DS is born my DH is offered a promotion that will take him out of the house more, take him away on numerous overnights a month, and is barely a pay increase whatsoever after taxes. I told him I did not think it was the best time to be taking a new role like this as we were struggling within our marriage and just had our DS and already had DD (toddler) at home. He took the job anyway without discussing anything with me or telling me any details. It was just a temporary cover so I was annoyed but got over it as he kept insisting it would benefit everyone and move him forward in the business.

A few months down the line we are fighting all the time, but only related to work issues such as never turning off, coming home hours late, and him being gone 25-50% of the month on these overnights. They then decide to offer him the role full time but say we have to move to a bigger city area.

I was fine with this move because we would be closer to certain people and there were more opportunities and things for kids and I to do in bigger city. We started to see somebody together to talk about issues and it seemed to be going a bit better. Just the occasional fight here and there, still work related. But it really seemed he was starting to listen to me and understand why I was upset about certain things and I did try to be more understanding if work things came up.

Fast forward again a few months and he's offered another promotion that required another move. I expressed that I did not want him to take it. I didn't think we were in the best place to be moving and for him to be taking on more at work. However this was ignored and he took it anyway as he wants to move forward. He sold the job off to me as that he would be only working set hours (9-5 M-F), wouldn't have to be away on overnights, and we would live close to work so he would be able to get home earlier. There really wasn't a take home pay increase after tax so we aren't really any better off.

Now we're in new house and role has started. We moved in over a weekend and he started following Monday, normal and fine. The first two nights of the job they have him out for dinners until 930-10pm. This means he did not see our kids at all these days. There have been even more of these since. Multiple a week. These are not work required, just socialising with each other. Once in a while I wouldn't mind but all the time is just taking the piss IMO.

As well as this, even though he starts at 9 he leaves everyday at 730 to get there by 8 and insists everyone does this. I told him everyone isn't in the same situation as we are and I would like if he had breakfast with us/spent time with kids in morning. This was ignored and he's said he will be leaving at 730 every morning to get to office at 8. I said then I want him to leave work on time, as he's been leaving more than an hour and a half after work ends everyday, again same excuse that everyone else does this.

He spends very little time with the kids, and as a SAHM (because we can't afford childcare) I never get a break or time to myself and I'm so exhausted all the time. He's home on weekends, but he just wants to relax at that point so it isn't much help. He's more of the "fun" parent so I'm still stuck changing, feeding, and cleaning kids. I feel like he's leaving us in the dust for his career and that I really have no say in my own life.

He is at times really great and we only fight when it comes down to family versus work situations but he never sees my side of things. I feel like I'm just expected to give and give and I just don't think I have anything left.

We had a huge row this morning and he just refuses to listen to anything I'm saying and just tries to turn it into something else or just tries to walk out of house to ignore me. I know violence is never the answer but I'm at my breaking point and I'm so tired of being ignored and left behind and I smacked him on the back today as he was trying to walk away from me.

I know I was BU to smack him, I feel crappy about it. But AIBU to be this fed up? If I wanted to raise the kids alone I would have just stayed in my country closer to my family where I had support.

Get a job.
Get childcare.
Get a divorce and alimony/maintenance.
Get the benefits you may be entitled to.
And little by little you will get your life, your self, your satisfaction and your happiness back.

You say you can't afford childcare. It really sounds more like you can't afford not to. It will be a split cost between your 2 wages.

That's why the indefinite leave to remain or a British citizenship is so important.
Because with that, you can then decide that you've had enough and you WILL be able to work and build your life here. At least until your u can either go back home because he has given up his spite OR because your dcs have grown up enough that you can move back knowing they can stand on their two feet (I'm another one who isn't British and can feel trapped too).
At the very least, it will allow you to work here.

Fwiw I also agree wth a PP. If he has money to go out with colleagues every week or several times a week, then there is some spare cash available. He is just choosing to spend it for himself rather than formthe family.
Which also means you can divert some of that money onto a saving account.

I think it's really common where I live, for sole breadwinners to be pretty much out of the house from 7am to 7pm at least and have periods of travel away. But I guess the issue is he's not stepping up to help when he is home. His pattern allows you no leeway.

For me, I've never been able to rely on dh being home at a set time. So I've done courses/work where I can drop off/pick up the dc from nursery/childminders, without factoring in dh. It's possible. But you can end up paying out more than you're earning with two small ones. Still worth doing if it helps you feel better. Start looking into what's available locally maybe?

A job? How?
Seriously?
Childcare?

A divorce? Who pays for that? Good luck with sorting it in a foreign country.
Child benefits? WTAF? They don't exist outside the UK

Hague convention
I AM BRITISH
I have seen a lawyer

@danTDM seriously! A lot is easier said than done!! I've looked into so many different things but even if I found a job how would we pay for the childcare until I got paid?

Oh! I've noticed a few times on here people said if my DH has money to go out to eat with colleagues he has spare money, but when they go out together one of them just puts it on the company card.
As I've said if it was every few weeks or once in a while I wouldn't mind, but all the time is just too much.
Him being out of the house from 7am until 10pm is just not okay IMO.

@Happyfeet1972 oh and get this: we went to ikea to pick out a new table so he could have some colleagues over for dinner (our old one was only big enough for us) and I said I didn't like something he liked and he snapped at me that I control everything! I laughed and said this was the one thing that I get to make the decisions on in my life!

If I make a decision about kids nap time or bed time (neither of which he's home for) he snaps about it. It doesn't effect him at all since he's not here so that one is really fun to deal with

Your DH sounds more and more controlling TBH.

lost

My DH does NO childcare, I mean none.

I have ONE and only one thing in my favour. I own the house we rent out.
That is my security.
But I am miserable

Yes, I should 'get a job'
He love to say that too...

@danTDM does he tell you that you should get out and do something but then treat you like crap if you do? I went for a spa afternoon with his step mum and was so happy and relaxed and as soon as I walked in the door to get home he just took it all away

Dear OP, I feel for you. It can be so difficult to move to a new country with young children. I moved to UK with a baby and had to give up my good career and became a stay at home mum. I did feel isolated, as I felt no connection to the society. DH worked long hours, although he tried to help me, but that only made him very tired. I had to choose to fully support him, otherwise, both of us would sunk.

I would sugeest you to make a long term plan, don't require yourself to go back to the old jobs immediately, having young children are tough work. I made a few English mum friends, they all gave up their jobs to be SAHM, as it would be really hard to both work with young children. In English culture, grand parents don't help much with grandchildren, mums mostly rely on themselves.That's why lots of mum choose to stay at home.

I think first you need to talk with your DH calmly , choose a relax weekend time.He has to agree that both him and you are equal in this family, although you are staying at home to support him at the moment, this doesn't mean the money and the house belongs to him . I see you mentioned you have a joint account. Could you set up saving accounts on both your names? You can ask savings to be put into both of your saving accounts. You should both own the house, do you?

Then, can you ask your relatives to visit you from your country? Both my mil and my own mum came to visit me for a few months, so I had time to be relaxed and attended English lessons.

As for the job, can you try to find a part time office job first? You can go to a temp agency to ask to do some temping. It would be good to do a few hours even the money can only pay for the childcare. So you can feel that you are part of this society. It would be nice you start this while you have a relative to visit, then you can arrange the childcare.

Do find the time to be relaxed, if you husband can't help, you have to find it yourself.While I was on my own, I took baby to baby groups, I nearly went every day, as it was a good time that you can watch the baby and be relax.

Abolutely Spot on

and

GET A HOBBY

When?

... and if anyone else says 'teach English' I'll kill them!

Child benefits? WTAF? They don't exist outside the UK
I thought the Op was in the UK no?

Sorry Boris!

Op, did I read right you have access to a joint account? Squirrel money away if so.

@danTDM I wish you were in UK and lived near me! We're literally in the same situation. At least we can talk to each other about it now!

Sounds like you need to get out a bit. Attend some parenting groups, make some friends. Take your kids out with your new friends. Soft play areas etc.
When he realises you are asking for less of his time because you have a life of your own, perhaps he will see what he's missing.

I'm sorry OP , it sounds really hard. He sounds really hard. Don't listen to posters who say this is 'life' , it really doesn't have to be this way. Of course life is difficult with young children but it's a damn sight more difficult when one partner doesn't listen to the other. You need to decide what you want for YOU. We have all got a line in the sand and if he's crossed yours you need to think how you are going to proceed. He sounds totally selfish its all about him....hes not even getting more money out of it ffs so he can't say he's doing it 'for the family'. Providing finances is only one part of being in a family, what about everything he's opted out of?

I honestly think you need to stop letting him control you...whatever way you can, bit by bit, as I think you're friends are right about him from what you've said. He doesn't sound like a nice man....and I don't give a fuck how much money he earns (which some posters seem to think justifies his behaviour), he shouldn't treat you like you don't matter.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound blase about stopping him letting you control you...I know it's not that easy. What I mean is now you've recognised that he's controlling, start to make plans. It might take a while, but a little bit at a time.

@Happyfeet1972 don't worry I know what you meant! I've got to do something because it's breaking me down and the kids deserve so much more.

You can take your children to some volunteering roles with you, I used to be a breast feeding peer supporter. Already the course was really supportive with creche provided and I went on to lead mother and baby groups so it also provided me with reference for later job applications. Even if your job is unrelated it is still a good reference.

We had this problem but not quite as bad. My husband assumed that I was the default parent and I felt taken for granted. Critically I realised (after quite a number of years) that I had also assumed that I was the default parent, and this was why I felt so trapped being beholden to his schedule. You can't actually change what he does (he has already shown that he won't change when you ask) but you can change what you do. It is really hard to do at first if you are used to wanting the other person to agree with you (he doesn't) or be happy about it (he won't be) but it is not unreasonable to make changes if you are unhappy.

I think you need a job - definitely keep going with the applications. In this situation I would do early morning cleaning or evening or weekend work to save up the money to either go home where I had some support or pay for (half) the daytime childcare. If you have gone out first in the morning, he will have to look after the children. If you work evenings and he is not home, you could drop them off at his work. You will probably only have to do it once. It has to be non-negotiable. "No I am not prepared to be the default parent". "Why would you assume I will be doing all the childcare/don't want to work?". "No I don't think that works for me - there isn't much point me being married in that situation" "Yes you have said repeatedly that the money you are earning is yours so I really have no choice but to earn my own". It needs to be calm and non negotiable and is good for the whole family in the long run. I found it helpful to make generic comments about a woman's need to protect her employability and not use her unpaid labour to support someone else's career rather than criticise my husband personally (as that made him defensive) and just saying things like that out loud made us both see the wider picture. And frequent general comments rather than a sit down chat were more effective. Also crucially don't think about how much you are earning - if you stay in work, it will increase over time and childcare will get cheaper. And it is much easier getting a new job when you already have one. You also need him to juggle a bit so he appreciates the flexibility you give him by being a mostly SAHM.

The DV is inexcusable. No partner deserves that.

It sounds like you need to find work, for independence and financial reasons.

As for his job, he is the one doing it and the sole earner so should have the majority say in what he does. Most adults choose their own job, not their spouses.

He's not there to take the place of your supportive family that you left behind. He is the breadwinner, it seems, and you have to become partners. You look after the kids and he makes sure you have some money coming in.

Accept that and life immediately becomes easier ........ or, is there some reason you resent being alone with your kids?