AIBU to be so angry?

[LostandConfused24]

This is going to be a bit long so I apologise in advance.

My DD and I moved from overseas to be with my DH as he wanted to start fresh in his home country. I was fine with this as I hadn't done much traveling in my life and thought it would be a good experience.

However since moving here he has started a new career and it seems he doesn't know how to turn it off or create a balance. At first I put this off as to just being it's his first real job and he wants to do well and that he would learn to balance.

We then learn that we were expecting DS. All fine and dandy apart from work issues again, but once again I also put this off to wanting to get everything sorted before he took paternity leave when our son was born etc.

A few weeks after DS is born my DH is offered a promotion that will take him out of the house more, take him away on numerous overnights a month, and is barely a pay increase whatsoever after taxes. I told him I did not think it was the best time to be taking a new role like this as we were struggling within our marriage and just had our DS and already had DD (toddler) at home. He took the job anyway without discussing anything with me or telling me any details. It was just a temporary cover so I was annoyed but got over it as he kept insisting it would benefit everyone and move him forward in the business.

A few months down the line we are fighting all the time, but only related to work issues such as never turning off, coming home hours late, and him being gone 25-50% of the month on these overnights. They then decide to offer him the role full time but say we have to move to a bigger city area.

I was fine with this move because we would be closer to certain people and there were more opportunities and things for kids and I to do in bigger city. We started to see somebody together to talk about issues and it seemed to be going a bit better. Just the occasional fight here and there, still work related. But it really seemed he was starting to listen to me and understand why I was upset about certain things and I did try to be more understanding if work things came up.

Fast forward again a few months and he's offered another promotion that required another move. I expressed that I did not want him to take it. I didn't think we were in the best place to be moving and for him to be taking on more at work. However this was ignored and he took it anyway as he wants to move forward. He sold the job off to me as that he would be only working set hours (9-5 M-F), wouldn't have to be away on overnights, and we would live close to work so he would be able to get home earlier. There really wasn't a take home pay increase after tax so we aren't really any better off.

Now we're in new house and role has started. We moved in over a weekend and he started following Monday, normal and fine. The first two nights of the job they have him out for dinners until 930-10pm. This means he did not see our kids at all these days. There have been even more of these since. Multiple a week. These are not work required, just socialising with each other. Once in a while I wouldn't mind but all the time is just taking the piss IMO.

As well as this, even though he starts at 9 he leaves everyday at 730 to get there by 8 and insists everyone does this. I told him everyone isn't in the same situation as we are and I would like if he had breakfast with us/spent time with kids in morning. This was ignored and he's said he will be leaving at 730 every morning to get to office at 8. I said then I want him to leave work on time, as he's been leaving more than an hour and a half after work ends everyday, again same excuse that everyone else does this.

He spends very little time with the kids, and as a SAHM (because we can't afford childcare) I never get a break or time to myself and I'm so exhausted all the time. He's home on weekends, but he just wants to relax at that point so it isn't much help. He's more of the "fun" parent so I'm still stuck changing, feeding, and cleaning kids. I feel like he's leaving us in the dust for his career and that I really have no say in my own life.

He is at times really great and we only fight when it comes down to family versus work situations but he never sees my side of things. I feel like I'm just expected to give and give and I just don't think I have anything left.

We had a huge row this morning and he just refuses to listen to anything I'm saying and just tries to turn it into something else or just tries to walk out of house to ignore me. I know violence is never the answer but I'm at my breaking point and I'm so tired of being ignored and left behind and I smacked him on the back today as he was trying to walk away from me.

I know I was BU to smack him, I feel crappy about it. But AIBU to be this fed up? If I wanted to raise the kids alone I would have just stayed in my country closer to my family where I had support.

@LedaP we were friends for years before getting together so I helped him quit and we transitioned into a relationship during that time and he's been completely clean since a month or two after we started seeing each other, and for those months it was just drinking.

Thats hardly any time at all for an addict. Especially when you have a child to think of.

Looking forward to you saying that on a thread where a poster has been hit by her DH Get off your high horse.

Anyway, back in the real world. I don't believe in ultimatum, but if the situation is not sustainable, and your children will be the one suffering in the end, what can you do?
Get some help and get some free time/ possibly a job

If it's not possible, can you "suck it up" until they start school and you have free time?

Going on an extended holiday staying at your parents/ relatives/friends for a few weeks to think things over?

@LedaP we didn't have the child at that point.

You did though

the country you are from and the one you are living in at the moment make a huge difference. Not in the end result, but in term of childcare cost, available help, rules protecting the wive and family etc...

If he is genuinely clean now it sounds like he has simply swapped one set of addictions for another i.e from alcoholic to workaholic. Not surprising really.

If I were you I would be going out all day every weekend and leaving your DH to get on with it with the DC until he's ready to engage with you about his working pattern (and I mean just go ahead and do it, don't ask his "permission").

Get off your high horse.

Nice way to talk to someone who has been a DV survivor.

I'm sorry to say I doubt he has been "completely clean" all this time.

YABVU to be violent towards your DP. No excuses.

I can understand your concerns but I think you need to take a major step back and give yourself a bit of a shake before you wreck your relationship and/or end up in jail. TBH you sound lonely and isolated and very frustrated at how things have panned out. However, I don't think you can criticise him for trying to better his career prospects and move up the ladder- as a one income family the pressure must be really on him. Is there really no job that you can do which will cost the same as or more than the cost of childcare? I pay a childminder £40 for a ten hour day and most people can find work that would pay more than that in a day. Or is there a course that you can do to increase your earning potential in the longer term? If the answer is no, then I think you need to accept that he will hold a lot of the cards in terms of deciding how best to progress his career until such a time as the kids are a bit older/ in school and you can be less reliant on childcare. Of course, he should not be advancing his own career to the major detriment of your wellbeing and/ or family life as a whole. But I don't think what you describe sounds particularly OTT in terms of his work and client care commitments- certainly a lot less than many people I know do and who I consider to be good mothers and fathers.

I think if you felt more secure and less lonely then you would feel much less resentful. And violent, presumably.

It's quite hard to advise you as to what to do, not knowing which jurisdiction you are in- some are kinder than others on women.

In your shoes I would be thinking about leaving. At least you'd get some time to yourself while he had the kids. And id tell him that. You've tried to tell him how you feel but it sounds like he won't ever see it from your point of view. Would your life be any harder if he wasn't around? And no more arguments. I'd go back to the city you just left and start a new life there.

@LedaP I will do a sort of timeline:
DH and I meet June 2007 and become friends
Early 2012 he opens up about drink/drug issue
Mid/late 2012 we start dating
2013 we move in together
2014 we have DD
Late 2015 we move to UK
2016 we have DS

@TempusEedjit that's exactly what our counsellor told me she thought it was. It went from drink/drugs to me to kids to work and there's not an easy way to fix that.

It's hard being a SAHM - like you I was one with a DH whose career took off after after the children were born - we're in the UK and he regularly had to go to Europe/ Russia/ Asia for work when the DC were little - Mon to Friday and even longer if he was going to Australia or NZ. Then he'd come back and be jet lagged and not able to help. It was difficult, exhausting and lonely. He also let me down - promising to be here when I had arranged something then saying he couldn't because of work. Like your DH work always won out over me and the kids
I coped with it by lowering my expectations of what I expected: so I decided to expect nothing during the week from DH and threw myself into childcare.
I made friends locally (which definitely is easier once the children go to school) and built a network around me. I was fortunate in that many of my friends were in the same situation with DHs working away during the week so we became each other's support. It does get easier as the children get older - you can go back to work which is what I did - I felt like I'd been reborn.

Our kids are teenagers now and we are no longer a couple - however I don't think that's to do with his working away as my now current partner also works away a lot. I think a lot of it is about feeling valued and recognised and, the incredible job you're doing as a mother, being acknowledged.

Piglet how was OP supposed to know that.

OP knows it was wrong, you're flogging a dead horse.

I understand how hard it is not to let the job come first and dictate your life; if he worked in any of the emergency services or the military you would have to accept coming second to the demands of his job - including lots of house moves. But it sounds more as if he works in the private sector? Regardless, if he worked in a city for example and commuted, he would not be able to have breakfast with you and the DCs.

He's obviously good at his job to have been offered all these promotions. That's good and if it keeps him clean then great. But all these house moves are expensive and I don't understand why he is happy to accept more hours and responsibility for no pay increase. Was there no negotiation done re pay for the new role?

You say you didn't choose to be a SAHM which I understand, but assuming contraception isn't forbidden then you did make a choice to have children. Has there ever been mutual respect between you and your DH? Or has it been you mothering him through his addiction? Because it sounds to me as if he's treating you like a nanny and housekeeper, not a partner. It's basic respect to inform your partner if you will be home for dinner or not. It sounds as though there is little or no mutual respect between you and that is no basis for a healthy marriage.

Have you sat him down and explained that while you understand the importance of his career, you are not a servant and he needs to remember that. Otherwise, if divorce is not an option, you need joint counselling. Oh, and you also need to apologise for hitting him.

Piglet how was OP supposed to know that.

My response wasn't to the OP but the poster that told me to get off my high horse

@onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad if we still lived where I was from and where we met I would have my family and friends and my career. I don't think he realises how much I've given up in order to be here for him and support him and I'm just so tired of getting nothing back. I don't think he even realised how hard it is to take care of a toddler and a baby all day everyday.
When I was younger I worked as a nanny and in nurseries so I'm kind of used to it but he also wanted to have both children so he should also be here at night and present on weekends (he spends a lot of time doing work on weekends) helping take care of them and spending time with them.
Anytime he does anything for them he acts like he's done me a huge favour.

PigletWasPoohsFriend
stop it, stop making the thread about you, just stop.

There's a woman asking for help, who is in a really bad place, with a partner with a history of drug and alcohol abuse and young children. The DH seems to have transferred his addictive personality into work which is not entirely a bad thing (seem, I am just reading 2 sentences, I don't know these people)

The OP knows what the problem is, but is at loss to find a solution. Be kind, and make reasonable suggestions.
In real life, you can't tell her to pack her bags and leave immediately either!

The children will be the one suffering in the end, and that's not fair. First child will start school and qualify for the 15 hours funding before that. It's help with the baby the OP needs.

This guy doesn't give a gnat's arse about you and your wants, and it seems very clear that he's not going to change at all. I'd be looking to get back to my home country permanently as soon as possible. Why don't you suggest that you visit your parents for a holiday, with or without him, and then refuse to return.
You sound virtually a prisoner with no options about your life, and that's a marker for deteriorating mental health. In these circumstances, I'd lie to him if necessary, if I thought it would help get me and my children back home.

And I know life has so many unexpected turns and things don't always go to plan. But it would just be nice if he made some effort to make sure I was okay and the kids are okay and to be present.

So what are you hoping for in these replies OP? (I don't mean that in an arsey way)

He has no consequences for the choices he is making apart from you shouting at him, which he seems to be able to zone out. If anything it will drive him to work even longer hours to avoid you. Are you wanting to stick around to rescue him from himself again? Make him realise what a wonderful family life could be waiting for him? Because sadly it doesn't appear that that's what he wants. So now you need to decide what you want - without reference to him - and act on it.

My SiL is also a workaholic who rarely sees hs children during the week and then spends part of his weekend doing hobbies as otherwise he is in a bad mood. He is earning money for his family etc etc. Meanwhile DD wears herself out. Sorry I can't advise you OP but I don't think your situation is unique

I'm just so frustrated that I'm in this position. I'm so upset for myself and the kids. I feel like I lose and they lose no matter what and I just want them to be happy.

@PigletWasPoohsFriend I have been a victim of DV and SA so I really don't need a lecture from you on what's right and wrong. I've been on that end. I know that it's wrong and I know how it feels. Now please go find someone else to pick at.

Op you need to end this relationship or mske plans to its toxic.

Your time line and clarifications just back up what i said. Except you didn't have a child when you got together. You had 2 children really quickly with a recovering addict and now find yourself trapped. And put yourself in a vulnerable position.

Whatever you decide. Take some time and make sure its a decision you can live with. He does sound like he has an addictive personality. That wont change but it also sounds a bit like you thrive on the drama of being the one saved him. He has moved his addiction elsewhere. You will always come second to the latest addiction.

But at least you know now so you can decide what to do. Good luck and i hopr you get the help you need so you can deal with frustration eithout lashing out.