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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not Letting 6 Year Old Go on a Playdate on his own

123 replies

Blueflowers2011 · 13/05/2017 21:26

Argument tonight between me and DH.

A mum keeps asking to take DS1 (6) to hers after school to play with her DS, they are both good friends. She has asked about 4 times now and says it's good for their independence.

I am sure it is. But I only know her and her OH through pick ups and some social things from school. They are nice enough people.

But I am still reluctant, myself or DH usually go with him. DH is off on the days she is asking to take DS1 which I find a bit odd - DH is happy to let him go however.

Of course I want my children to grow up independently, but feel it's still early and I don't really know them that well outside of the school run and the odd coffee.

AIBU here?

OP posts:
toobreathless · 13/05/2017 21:29

I think it's entirely up to you and your comfort zones, if you aren't happy then that's fine. The other mum sounds a bit pushy, who is she to comment on what is best for your DS?

saying that I would be happy with my kids going.

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 13/05/2017 21:30

Mine went to tea straight from school in reception. I did not especially know the mums. I think it is normal to let them go on their own.

Floggingmolly · 13/05/2017 21:30

Why do you think it's a bit odd? It isn't, really.
Why not just invite the other boy round to yours if you don't want your ds to go without you? I really wouldn't expect a 6 year old's parent to stay on a play date; not after the first time anyway.

Applesandpears23 · 13/05/2017 21:30

Nope, your kid your rules. What about inviting the other child to come to yours instead?

fannydaggerz · 13/05/2017 21:30

Can you go to soft play together for the first play date so you can see how they get on?

My son has been on play dates after school and even when he was at nursery. I was at 90% of them but some mum collected him from school/nursery.

Spottybasket · 13/05/2017 21:31

My son started to go on playmates from y1 so age 5/6. I've never gone with him. Its certainly not the norm at my son's school. We have also had other children for play dates without their parents. I only know any of the parents from the school run.

Gallavich · 13/05/2017 21:31

After school play is pretty normal at that age and you can't expect to know every school parent well. I think you're being over cautious to be honest.

Floggingmolly · 13/05/2017 21:32

Well, absolutely her rules Apples, but op was implying it's an odd thing for the other mother to do and it isn't.

Gallavich · 13/05/2017 21:32

What about inviting the other child to come to yours instead?

Surely the OP wouldn't ask any child over if she didn't know the parents well either? Otherwise that's a bit hypocritical

NeverEvenHeardOfAgentZigzag · 13/05/2017 21:33

Does your DS want to go?

I would say six is a goodish time for them to start playing round at their friends for a while on their own.

Maybe your DH could stay for a few mins when he drops him off to make sure they're not axe wielding psychos your DS is OK before leaving.

If you leave your number they can call if anything's amiss.

It's difficult though when they start going off on their own, but at least you know the people generally and they seem alright, that's a good start.

WellErrr · 13/05/2017 21:33

Yes you're being a bit overprotective, unless there's a massive backstory.

My 4 year old goes on play dates alone and has done since he was 3.

HildaOg · 13/05/2017 21:34

I'm the same. If I don't know and trust someone then they're not going to be trusted with my child. If you don't know her well enough to know if she has dogs, what kind of a dog owner, what kind of parenting, is there a pond, does she properly supervise, who else would be in the house... Then you don't know her well enough to hand your child over.

There's only one mother in my kids school that I'd be comfortable handing my child over to. I'd wonder about anyone who tried to pressure me and trust them less.

Februaryjones · 13/05/2017 21:34

Yanbu. I wouldn't let DD6 go to a house alone unless I knew the parents well. In her friendship group none of them go on play dates alone

witsender · 13/05/2017 21:35

I only would if I knew the family well.

Tottyandmarchpane1 · 13/05/2017 21:35

I sort of get where you are coming from but it's been the normal thing in both the schools mine have attended to just go straight from school with the parent. I wouldn't expect to go with them. I usually text and check all is ok and then pop for a cuppa later on in the play date. If I'm completely honest I'd have put up with parents coming with DD1 but with DD2 and DS1 I just wouldn't have had the time let alone to do a mutual one at soft play. Really happy for you to join later on for a cuppa though. Age 6 I def would not expect you to attend. It may be to do with comfort levels but you won't get to know them properly after one or even a few meetings and they will call you if your DS is unhappy. I'd let him go.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 13/05/2017 21:36

Is this a new thing, accompanying children to 'play dates' ?

Enidblyton1 · 13/05/2017 21:36

You are definitely being over cautious. Is there something about this family that worries you?

SewMuchToLearn · 13/05/2017 21:37

Yes. And no.
My DD (5) has been to the house of someone who I know only from sporadic chatting at the school gate. Her eldest was in DS's class, but not friends and her middle child is with DD. Her DD has been to us twice and I don't think DD would have wanted to go first if she hadn't seen her friend come to us.

DS unintentionally went when he was 5. Parent called and invited DS over. I got DD ready and we went to their house as it would never have occurred to me not to accompany. She opened the door and said "Great, I need someone to occupy my son whilst I'm giving a lesson. Come back in 45 mins and we'll have a coffee!" and shut the door in my face.

Maybe she feels a bit weird inviting your DH over! I'd say if your DS wants to go, make sure you have contact details and give it a go.

BigGrannyPants · 13/05/2017 21:38

My oldest is 6 and often goes to other houses to play without me, I pick him up after. But really it's up to you and DH, everyone is different, you shouldn't feel pushed in to anything you're uncomfortable with by someone else's parent

Cleanermaidcook · 13/05/2017 21:40

I don't think it's odd.
My kids have been going for tea to friends straight from school since reception. It's normal here not odd, i have their friends round too, pick them up from school, the mum usually collects 6-6.30pmish. In fact ds is going on monday on one, I've seen the mum at school but don't know her well. I asked for her address, arranged a pick up time, no problem.
Up to you obviously but i personally don't see the problem x

witsender · 13/05/2017 21:41

I don't routinely let my children go off with strange people, this is no different. In my circle people tend to invite families. Mums or dad's chat, kids play.

Tottyandmarchpane1 · 13/05/2017 21:43

I also think you might find that your DS just doesn't get invited anywhere that much. I'm really happy to have a cuppa at the end of the playdate but I'd really rather not have to entertain the parent as well for 2 hours. I think kids are better behaved and more likely to just get on with it when their parents are not around too.

paxillin · 13/05/2017 21:44

We had playdates without a parent present from reception. Does your ds want to go? I'd let him.

jellyandsoup · 13/05/2017 21:47

I would be fine with this. My children have both been and we have had friends round for tea from reception. How well are you hoping to know the parents before you allow him to go? Does he want to go?

mrtumbleandhisguitar · 13/05/2017 21:49

I think you have to do what you are comfortable with - but I think it would help if you are upfront with the other mum about what you are thinking.

I moved from an area, where it was perfectly normal for dc's to go on unaccompanied playdates from pre-school age, to an area that I would describe as more cautious.

In my first few weeks and months here, I felt quite upset that a few people seemed quite resistant to my offer of having their dc's over for tea after school and couldn't figure out what the problem was.

On one occassion, somebody said, 'yes, their dc would love to come for a playdate.' But then arrived with their dc and stayed for two hours themselves - something that I really wasn't prepared for.