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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not Letting 6 Year Old Go on a Playdate on his own

123 replies

Blueflowers2011 · 13/05/2017 21:26

Argument tonight between me and DH.

A mum keeps asking to take DS1 (6) to hers after school to play with her DS, they are both good friends. She has asked about 4 times now and says it's good for their independence.

I am sure it is. But I only know her and her OH through pick ups and some social things from school. They are nice enough people.

But I am still reluctant, myself or DH usually go with him. DH is off on the days she is asking to take DS1 which I find a bit odd - DH is happy to let him go however.

Of course I want my children to grow up independently, but feel it's still early and I don't really know them that well outside of the school run and the odd coffee.

AIBU here?

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 13/05/2017 21:50

I'm curious, indulge me, what do you think is going to happen?

stella23 · 13/05/2017 21:50

How is it odd? TBH if you turned up with your ds, I probably would not invite him again. I don't mind you coming in at dropping off and pick up but staying for 2 hours is a bit much

ITooHaveBeenThere · 13/05/2017 21:50

Mine went from reception and I didn't know the parents any better than you do.

I don't socialise with the school parents at all so only ever know them from bumping into them at parents' evenings and school events.

Floggingmolly · 13/05/2017 21:51

It is just a tiny bit different, witsender!!

Tumblethumps · 13/05/2017 21:53

Mine have gone since Reception but if you're not comfortable, you're not comfortable.

Sparklingbrook · 13/05/2017 21:53

Mine went alone from Reception too. The parents would pick them up from school then I would go and pick them up later.

Musicaltheatremum · 13/05/2017 21:53

My kids are 22 and 24 now but from nursery aged 3 went to other houses for "playdates" I rarely went. Kids are fine now

MycatsaPirate · 13/05/2017 21:54

The problem is that it's your dc who has been invited. Not you.

It's a 'play date' for the children. I expect the mum has no interest in getting to know you or for you to quiz her to find out whether she is suitable to be left in charge of your dc.

What happens when your dc gets invited to a party? Do you go too? Will you do this forever?

WhereTheFuckIsElsa · 13/05/2017 21:57

Do what's right for you, if your heart and head says no then don't feel pushed into doing it. Only you know best

I have the same problem by the way

Tumblethumps · 13/05/2017 22:00

But I'd never invite any kidsvavk if their parents wanted to come to because then I'd feel as though I need to entertain them and sit and chat with a cup of tea. Whereas, when my 6yr old has a friend back, we get in and I hand out snacks, then they go off either to the garden, the den or his bedroom. I check on them sporadically and call them for dinner then off they go again until the parent arrives between 6-6.30.
During all this time I'm hanging washing out, loading washing in, tidying up etc or doing bits and bobs for my own work. I certainly don't want to spend the 2.5hs chatting to another mum.

origamiwarrior · 13/05/2017 22:00

I do think you are out of kilter with the 'norm' (in that most people where I am allow unaccompanied playdates from mid-reception year, in the same circumstances you describe - i.e. school gate mum/social events/seem "nice enough people") but it's totally your decision and it's not something anyone could criticise you for.

In year 1 (which I assume your DS is in) I would be fairly taken aback if a parent wanted to stay.

Tumblethumps · 13/05/2017 22:01

Kids back

Bluetrews25 · 13/05/2017 22:01

You know the boys are friends and get on well at school.
He's 6, and I take it will be able to ask if he needs the loo etc.
He'll be fine. Is this more about you than about him?
Any anxiety issues here, OP?

QueenArseClangers · 13/05/2017 22:04

Reminds me a bit of the thread about university students having their parents staying with them for freshers' week Grin

WhereTheFuckIsElsa · 13/05/2017 22:07

So because you trust your children with people you don't even know at all you think that's the norm and the OP is the weirdo???
She doesn't even know these people? She's supposed to give in to this because it's the norm??

anothermalteserplease · 13/05/2017 22:07

From my experience, at 6 years old most parents don't stay with their children at playdates. I'm comfortable with dropping my dd off to play with her friends, at parties and having her friends over here too. It would be so awkward if a parent wanted to stay the 3-4 hours that the playdates tend to last at that age here. Would I have to make the parent dinner too?

Tottyandmarchpane1 · 13/05/2017 22:10

I think the two issues are that you either think your DS will be upset without you in which case I am sure the parent will call OR you are worried about possible abuse which I'm afraid no amount of meeting another adult will alert you to so you'd have to accompany him until he is an adult. I honestly think you need to get over your own anxiety and let him go. The other mum will stop asking and your DS will be disappointed. 6 is well old enough to be left.

witsender · 13/05/2017 22:10

6 is a little different to 18. Hmm

I genuinely don't know what of many playdates going on without parents, it really isn't common here unless the parents know each other well. At 6 children don't always communicate well when something doesn't sit right, or makes them uncomfortable, so sending them off with an adult I barely know, into a house I have never been to, with who knows who else doest sit right.

There is no way in a million years either of my children would happily go without one of us anyway as it is.

Original poster
Blueflowers2011 · 13/05/2017 22:11

Hmm, ok food for thought..

It's not really been the norm for our class at school yet, parents tend to go along but I am listening to what a lot of you do. The kids are still mostly 5/turning 6 soon.

Yes I am over cautious, i do feel that you never can fully know anyone but good point - not sure i will ever get to know anyone as well as i'd like tbh. Yes DS1 really wants to go.

Thanks, will see how it goes this week. I would happily host but I am not here, I am working so DH will be around. He has been round a couple of times to their home and says they seem a nice family.

OP posts:
origamiwarrior · 13/05/2017 22:11

She doesn't even know these people?

Read the OP. She does know both of the parents, through the school gate, through social events, and has had 'the odd coffee' with them. She knows them well enough to characterise them to us as "nice enough people".

But I agree she doesn't have to let her child go anywhere she doesn't feel comfortable about.

clary · 13/05/2017 22:13

I agree with most others, my DC are older now but I let them go to friends' houses without me at 5/6yo. Sometimes I knew the parents well (friends from nursery etc) sometimes not.

It was always fine. Most people are nice. If you had any major rules you could give the parent a heads up.

SewMuchToLearn · 13/05/2017 22:14

He has been round a couple of times to their home and says they seem a nice family.

Then you have to let DH be the judge of this. Else what are you saying to him? That you don't trust him to make a judgement about the DC? I thought you meant neither of you have met the family.

Floggingmolly · 13/05/2017 22:14

The kids have been at school together for at least a year, presumably, and are good friends. Op has stood in the playground alongside these people for the same length of time.
Comparing her ds going on a play date to "sending him off with total strangers" is a tad hysterical.

NeverEvenHeardOfAgentZigzag · 13/05/2017 22:15

Aside from whether you feel comfortable enough to let your DS go on his own OP, it is a bit odd for this mum to keep pressuring you to let him go.

You'd think after the third time of asking that she'd leave the ball in your court.

It'd kind of make me wonder why she seems so desperate to have your DS over really.

witsender · 13/05/2017 22:17

Not really, and it is very dismissive to class it as such. The OP said at the beginning that she "only knew them through pick ups" etc. Which sounded very much like just the school gate...which is hardly a deep and meaningful. Later posts have shown that the husband has been to the house etc which is a different kettle of fish.

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