Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU Not Letting 6 Year Old Go on a Playdate on his own

123 replies

Blueflowers2011 · 13/05/2017 21:26

Argument tonight between me and DH.

A mum keeps asking to take DS1 (6) to hers after school to play with her DS, they are both good friends. She has asked about 4 times now and says it's good for their independence.

I am sure it is. But I only know her and her OH through pick ups and some social things from school. They are nice enough people.

But I am still reluctant, myself or DH usually go with him. DH is off on the days she is asking to take DS1 which I find a bit odd - DH is happy to let him go however.

Of course I want my children to grow up independently, but feel it's still early and I don't really know them that well outside of the school run and the odd coffee.

AIBU here?

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 13/05/2017 22:48

Why in the name of God are you wondering "why" she's inviting your ds on a play date, and assuming she must have some nefarious reason for doing so?
The mum's is not being odd at all, but you are.

early30smum · 13/05/2017 22:50

Your child, your choice. But my DS is in school nursery (ie the year before reception) and goes on play dates without me. My DD didn't go to the school nursery but went on playdayes without me from reception... everyone has their own views but it's very very normal round here at least!

waterrat · 13/05/2017 22:59

Your child op so your decision but as you asked for opinion it seems v weird to me.

From 5ish I would consider a parent atatinf unnecessary. The kids run off and play so that leaves me having to entertain an adult who is not my friend for 2 hours. No way do I have space for that in my life .

This would be seen as weird in my circles I'm afraid and I would really ask you what on earth you are worried about. I also have to say i find it odd to imagine a 5 nearly 6 year old who is so clingy. My kids would be off like a shot at thst sge. So I do wonder if they're just more nervous because you keep clinging to them

SemiNormal · 13/05/2017 23:07

If you're not comfortable with it then don't do it and don't feel pressured to do it either. I wouldn't allow my son to go on his own on playdates if I didn't know the family very well, that said if it's abuse you're worried about it's usually someone close to you who you'd never suspect anyway (not wanting to scare anyone).

My reasons are I live in an area where drugs are rife and I don't trust people not to have them in the house around my child. It's already happened here - children getting hold of their parents drugs and one has died from methadone in recent years, just not worth it.

Another reason is that some of the mothers have a revolving door where men are concerned and I simply wouldn't know who was around my child, if they don't give a shiny shit about who is around their child then they won't care who is around mine.

I don't care if I'm 'over-protective', if there is one thing I think it's 'okay' to be over protective of then it's my child.

Highalert · 13/05/2017 23:10

I've never had a 6 year olds parent stay when my kids had friends round after school. Thank fuck.

BarbarianMum · 13/05/2017 23:17

Well I've never been so desperate for a child to come and play that I'd want to host their parent as well and my children have never lacked company.

Your kid, your rules but don't be surprised if he doesn't get invited many places.

mimishimmi · 13/05/2017 23:21

Is she specifically and persistently asking you to send him alone? I would find that creepy too. I'd probably agree to a playdate on the proviso I could come along too. She's probably fine but you never know...

mumeeee · 13/05/2017 23:25

A 6 year old is fine to go to a play date on their own. My children are grown up now but I know they definitely went to play dates unaccompanied on their own. It would have been odd to have a parent stay with them at that age.

Talith · 13/05/2017 23:27

Very much your decision but I stopped gatecrashing my kids' playdates after they turned about 6. I have always felt the other families were safe and had known them a while which may have been a factor.

isupposeitsverynice · 13/05/2017 23:31

I would imagine she keeps asking because her son is badgering her to have his friend over! She's not some sort of desperate weirdo for trying to set up a play date. I think it seems over protective, personally. What age do you think it would be alright?

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 13/05/2017 23:50

Upto you how you do play dates.

Mine only went alone if I knew the parents and had already been to the house so i knew there were no smokers, dogs, ponds etc. Others were more than happy for their children to come to ours with barely knowing first names.

Italiangreyhound · 14/05/2017 00:01

blueflowers your child, your choice.

around our way it is normal to have both kinds of play dates, ones where mums (or dads) stay and drink tea while the kids play and ones where the child is left.

"because the mum keeps asking it does make me feel a bit uncomfortable as to why. But she probably does mean well and just wants the boys to play."

Maybe the other mum really wants her child to have a friend back to play, could that be it?

If the other mum is pushing her agenda of when children should go on play dates alone, I would be totally put off.

My son is adopted and we were quite careful about play dates when I was not there. So he hasn't really been on lone play dates until this year Year 2, although he is only 6. Usually the plan we have is we go together the first time, I make sure he knows where the loo is etc and if I saw anything worrying (Rabid dog in the garden, parents drunk by 3.30 etc) then he would not be going back.

Once I know that they are nice enough folks I am happy for him to go alone.

Can I just ask - you are dropping him at pre school club everyday, and only get to spend one after school with him? If so I can understand you don't want to miss time with him and maybe you are feeling a bit like his life is happening and you are not always 'part of it all'. Could his be adding to anxiety?

RainbowsAndUnicorn good point about ponds.

BackforGood · 14/05/2017 00:13

As others have said, your (+ dh's) child, so your (+ dh's) decision = although not sure why the fact that dh is happy and he's in charge of him on that day, doesn't then stand, and why you should be able to over rule him.......... ?

However, I don't know if this is a very recent (ie in last couple of years) thing or if it's primarily a MN thing, but I've managed to raise 3 dc, not only never going round to play at any of their friends houses, nor ever, ever having any of their friends parents come round to play at my house, but I've also never even heard of ANY parent doing this in real life. I know a lot of people from a lot of different places, so this isn't just the particular schools my dc went to.

If you don't want your dc to have friends outside of school, and you are happy for the invitations to dry up pretty soon, then carry on refusing OP.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 14/05/2017 00:57

Yes I think yabu - my dcs were going to friends houses from foundation year onwards. DD as the youngest would often go to play with friends from nursery at 4/5 and as I had two older ones I couldn't really invite myself and two extra dcs along too. She is a happy and confident girl with a big group of friends.

If your ds would be happy to go then yabu, if he doesn't want to go without you then maybe you need to start helping him to be more comfortable about being away from you, as he will be missing out if all his friends are having play dates and he will have school trips coming up - staying away for a night or two is a great adventure for them.

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/05/2017 01:37

Yanbu

I don't let dc go off with what are essentially strangers and I'm suprised that some posters are willing to.

Playdates with people you know are a different kettle of fish.

Floggingmolly · 14/05/2017 08:46

Op's DH has visited their home several times, willyoujustbequiet .

Do you live in a tiny village where everyone's family tree needs to be identifiable to four generations back or they're still a stranger??

stella23 · 14/05/2017 09:26

It'd kind of make me wonder why she seems so desperate to have your DS over really.

What do you mean by this? Is she desperate or does her ds keep asking her? My ds made a friend was desperate for him to come and play, he really valued the friendship. His mum said she didn't do play dates.
Ds found watching other children going to each other's houses for tea really difficult. In the end with encouragement he made new friends

working925 · 14/05/2017 12:11

Backforgood I hadn't come across it either until recently. I was washing/packing for family holiday with very early flight next morning - thought it would be nice for my daughter to have friend round while I did these 'boring' jobs but the mother stayed for 3 hours! I think I'm still traumatised - I have never met anyone with less Emotional Intelligence. It's my daughters best friend but I don't think I will ever invite her again!

PurpleTraitor · 14/05/2017 12:22

My 4yo is utterly desperate for a girl from school to come for a sleepover. Every night before sleep I get asked if this girl is coming, when she is coming. I patiently explain that a new friend, whose parents I have only ever nodded at, isn't going to come for a sleepover at age four (nursery, not reception) but we can ask this friend round for tea, maybe. No. Tears. Recriminations. Plans on where this child will sleep and what she will like to do and reassurances to me that she won't need her parents in the night at all because she is very big, very brave child. And on and on. Nightly.

I can definitely understand why someone might ask another child over repeatedly - their child is probably driving them batshit.

I'd be fine with it OP.

Original poster

Blueflowers2011 · 14/05/2017 13:48

Will just re-state a few facts..

DH went to friend's house in 2015 twice. That was it at the beginning of reception with another parent.

Mum is being persistent every week to take DS1 alone after school. Of course I have a say even if I am at work and DH is off. Of course I understand if their DS is badgering their mum. She hasnt said so.

DS is confident, independent and far from clingy.

I live in London, not a village where I would need to trace the family tree.

I am in touch with the class on a group and playdates include the parents. So we must be the weirdest school in the land right?

My reluctancy is because yes, I am leaving a 6 year old with somebody who DH has briefly met twice in their home 2 years ago and that she is texting now to collect DS from school for the last 4 weeks.

i take on board most of you are doing this and will rethink. I just wanted to get an overall opinion on it. I don't have an issue leaving DS with somebody but I do feel I need to meet them more than twice to feel comfortable.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 14/05/2017 13:58

But they're not total strangers to your DH? You said in your op that he was happy to let your ds go unaccompanied.

If he's twice visited these people at home (the fact that it was two years ago is irrelevant, really) then he's evidently got to know them a whole lot better than you do.
Unless the "visits" weren't social occasions?

Darbs76 · 14/05/2017 14:00

Totally normal thing to invite a child over without the parent at age 6. Yes I'd let mine go (and have done).

Starlight2345 · 14/05/2017 14:02

I think you also need to think about where they need to aim to be ultimately you want an independent child. If you keep saying no then you are teaching there is something to be worried about.

I do see you are finding it hard, but not sure what your anxiety is about. What is it you are worried will happen ?

MrsMarigold · 14/05/2017 14:05

Just let your DC go, mine go, I hate it if I have to go and make small talk to someone who would rather be supervising the kids with an activity.

Floggingmolly · 14/05/2017 14:09

How do you deduce that your ds is confident, independent and non clingy if he's never been away from you apart from school?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5