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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Not Letting 6 Year Old Go on a Playdate on his own

123 replies

Blueflowers2011 · 13/05/2017 21:26

Argument tonight between me and DH.

A mum keeps asking to take DS1 (6) to hers after school to play with her DS, they are both good friends. She has asked about 4 times now and says it's good for their independence.

I am sure it is. But I only know her and her OH through pick ups and some social things from school. They are nice enough people.

But I am still reluctant, myself or DH usually go with him. DH is off on the days she is asking to take DS1 which I find a bit odd - DH is happy to let him go however.

Of course I want my children to grow up independently, but feel it's still early and I don't really know them that well outside of the school run and the odd coffee.

AIBU here?

OP posts:

NeverEvenHeardOfAgentZigzag · 13/05/2017 22:17

'He has been round a couple of times to their home and says they seem a nice family.'

Don't you trust your DH to make the call over whether his DS goes round there?

WhereTheFuckIsElsa · 13/05/2017 22:18

It'd kind of make me wonder why she seems so desperate to have your DS over really.

Yup!

User246810 · 13/05/2017 22:20

Would you not stop for half an hour for a cup of tea first time? The other mother surely wants to check that your child isn't clingy and going to cry for two hours as he's never been left? (For example)

CheeseQueen · 13/05/2017 22:21

You're not unreasonable. At 6 I wouldn't have been comfortable with mine staying at a house where I didn't know the parents either.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/05/2017 22:23

Going to school friends houses without parents from reception here too. Actually from our nursery too, but not sure how widespread that is.

I'm happy to have the children, but I don't want to spend a couple of hours making small talk with their parents.

After many years of kids going alone to friends houses after school, I've yet to meet any parents that lock the kids in the under stairs cupboards or feed them to the foxes...

They're parents from school, not some stranger in the park.

Hulababy · 13/05/2017 22:24

Dd went to friends houses after school without me from reception age. And her friends came her too. We knew the parents from the school gates on the whole but that was it. However it was a small class and I guess people did feel they knew one another a bit better.

Only one of the other mums came and actually stayed - and tbh she is still a very over protective parent and they are 15 now.

Floggingmolly · 13/05/2017 22:24

Your DH has been around to their home a couple of times??
And you think it's odd that she should try to tell him to send the child by himself next time...
She must be sick of hosting half your family when she's only invited your child...

origamiwarrior · 13/05/2017 22:25

It'd kind of make me wonder why she seems so desperate to have your DS over really

I expect she's just desperate not to have to entertain the Dad for another 2.5 hours next time she has a playdate (since the OP has just revealed her DH has been around to the Mum's house for two accompanied playdates already)

ExplodedCloud · 13/05/2017 22:26

The unaccompanied after school play dates started in Y1 here too. Some of the parents are mum's I chat to at the school yard but don't know them well.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/05/2017 22:27

Nope. Drop & run or they go home from school with friends.

We swap phone numbers for any questions or problems. Might have a cuppa at collection if we have the time & inclination.

Starlight2345 · 13/05/2017 22:27

Your DH has been a couple of times..If you are a partnership sounds like he has got to know them.

She may well feel uncomfortable having your DH regularly.

He has been and been fine so yes I would have no qualms.

egginacup · 13/05/2017 22:29

It's the norm round here for kids to go to play dates after school from reception. If I invite a child over it's because I want them to entertain play with my child while I get on with other stuff. I'd think it a bit rude if the parent invited themself too!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/05/2017 22:32

Mind you, having said all that, we live in a nice area - I think I'd feel a LOT differently in an area that's not nice. The areas I had to go out to the other day I wouldn't allow them to go to friends houses alone. Or play out.

Floggingmolly · 13/05/2017 22:34

Do you think everyone living in a nice area is nice, and vice versa?

Original poster

Blueflowers2011 · 13/05/2017 22:36

DH has briefly been at the house twice with another parent, this was over a year ago when they were in Reception (yes Y1 now).

We both work so don't have much time to talk with anyone at the school gates - DS goes to Breakfast Club so we dont see many parents on a regular basis as it starts an hour before school officially starts. But we we do make an effort to be social when we do get the chance and stand in the playground. That happens for me once a fortnight, DH once a week.

Yes because the mum keeps asking it does make me feel a bit uncomfortable as to why. But she probably does mean well and just wants the boys to play.

Fair enough re. DH and not inviting him round but she also said the same to me when I am next off, she will take DS.

I appreciate a lot of you do this but DS has rarely been to anyone's house on his own apart from family, class playdates have always been with parents. Parties we go to parents all accompany. I see that changing over the next year which is fine, I can deal with that.

I find it difficult to just leave DS with people we have hardly seen in the past year or so.

OP posts:

Beahun · 13/05/2017 22:39

There is no way I would let my child go to someone's house without me knowing them well enough or seen how they live and/ or where they live. Couldn't care less what others are thinking about it. It's your child. If you're not comfortable with it then don't! But perhaps you can say it to the Mum that your DS can act a bit funny if he's in someone else's house and would she mind if you pop in 15-20 minutes.You can say something like that- It would give us a little bit of time to get to know each other as I can't be at the school gates for pick up all the time.-

I have done this before and no one got offended. Also you can do play dates on a Saturday if it's better for you. We have done that before and it's great fun for the kids.

Longtalljosie · 13/05/2017 22:40

But what will change in the next year, risk-wise? If you accept by this time next year you'll be doing it? Your DH does know these people and he's comfortable with this. I imagine if the mum is pressing it's because her son is pressing her!

Natsku · 13/05/2017 22:41

I wouldn't want a parent coming with their dc after 5 years old really as its awkward having to entertain the parent. Where I live its drop and run from 4/5yrs, the only time parents stay is if they are friends.

working925 · 13/05/2017 22:42

Stella23 I am so with you. Asking another child to play and the parent walking in and staying is just the worst- I haven't got time for it.

OP - I actually think I'm a protective parent but have never had a problem with my child going to a friends for tea. I would only stop them if I thought there was something odd!

Gindrinker43 · 13/05/2017 22:43

Groups like Beavers and rainbows take children from 5 3/4, and are happy to take them on camps and sleep overs with the right ratio of adults to children so don't see the issue with a play date.

cherish123 · 13/05/2017 22:44

It is quite normal for a six yr old to play at a school friend's house without a parent. I would definitely let him go.

DrawingLife · 13/05/2017 22:45

Agree with pp, my 5 yo has been going to play dates on her own pretty much since she started forming firmer friendships (from ca. preschool onwards) and we've hosted lots of times.
The children have a snack (we always check w parents for allergies), then usually disappear into her room. I don't watch them every minute. I can hear them, am available for anything they may need, otherwise I get on with some work (work from home).

She has one friend whose parents aren't comfortable with solo play dates either way and though both children have been asking for months we haven't been able to find a date yet, it's just too difficult to arrange around work.

timeisnotaline · 13/05/2017 22:47

It is pretty irrelevant whether your dh is at home at that time! It's a play date not childcare, play dates are not only scheduled when there are no parents to look after them.

NeverEvenHeardOfAgentZigzag · 13/05/2017 22:47

Does your DS want to go round on his own OP?

If they're good friends they'll just be off getting up to whatever as soon as he steps through the door won't he?

If there are any problems they'll just call your DH I'm sure.

Blimey01 · 13/05/2017 22:48

I think 6 is old enough to go on a play date alone. Pretty common in my DC school.

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