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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Not Letting 6 Year Old Go on a Playdate on his own

123 replies

Blueflowers2011 · 13/05/2017 21:26

Argument tonight between me and DH.

A mum keeps asking to take DS1 (6) to hers after school to play with her DS, they are both good friends. She has asked about 4 times now and says it's good for their independence.

I am sure it is. But I only know her and her OH through pick ups and some social things from school. They are nice enough people.

But I am still reluctant, myself or DH usually go with him. DH is off on the days she is asking to take DS1 which I find a bit odd - DH is happy to let him go however.

Of course I want my children to grow up independently, but feel it's still early and I don't really know them that well outside of the school run and the odd coffee.

AIBU here?

OP posts:

BackforGood · 14/05/2017 14:13

Mum is being persistent every week to take DS1 alone after school

When you say facts..... this is the oddest way I have ever heard an invitation for a child to come and play, described

What this thread might tell you is that it is perfectly normal, for a 6 yr old to go home with a mate from school for a play and some tea. It's what dc do, and have been doing for decades and decades.

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/05/2017 14:18

Flogging

That's quite an imagination youve got there. Not quite sure how you made that jump

Princecharlesfirstwife · 14/05/2017 14:20

Id never have invited any of my dcs friends to play if I though they I had to entertain their parents each and every time. You've still not said exactly what it is you think will happen to your child if you haven't inspected the house for germs or given the parents the third degree about their paedophilic activity/levels of domestic violence.
Fwiw when your DC reach secondary school age I will guarantee that you will have virtually no knowledge of your dcs friends' parents.

refusetobeasheep · 14/05/2017 14:29

I suspect the offer (and indeed all offers if the parents think they can come along each time) will soon stop and then you will have no problem. my ex is like this , but at least dd gets to do play dates when with me.

ThouShallNotPass · 14/05/2017 14:33

It's a little odd to me.
I've had children as young as nursery age to mine for play dates unaccompanied. My 5 year old plays at the park outside our house with his school friends unaccompanied by adults.

I guess it depends on the area you live in. Tiny village where you know everyone and their neighbour? Kids are usually more free to roam.

Built up area where bad things are more likely to happen? It's perfectly normal that kids are watched more closely.
But if you have met the classmates mum even once, what's worrying you? She keeps her own child quite safe every day what makes you worry about yours?

origamiwarrior · 14/05/2017 14:47

As you say OP, if it is standard at your school for parents to attend playdates in Year 1 then obviously you would be bucking the trend if you allowed your DS to go unaccompanied, so I can see why you might be reluctant. If that if that genuinely is the case, then I agree you probably are at the weirdest school in the land!

However, can you be sure that a) it's not just the playdates that your DS has been involved in that include parents - because they know you are anxious about it (so they feel they have to invite you/your DH, and then feel they have to stay when they are invited back, sensing you'd disapprove if the dropped and ran) or b) the other parents reciprocating playdates are actually really good friends, so they would naturally stay for a social.

scoobydooagain · 14/05/2017 14:58

If the parent stayed at mine, it would be the last time the child would be invited. Six is not that young, I would be led by what your son wants and not what you want.

witsender · 14/05/2017 15:01

It would be unusual to be left here tbh, I don't know anyone who does it yet unless as a favour for childcare reasons etc.

paxillin · 14/05/2017 15:13

I agree the invitations will dry up. Those who always had mum with them at 5 weren't invited back. I've no idea from what age they would have been allowed alone, because of course the friendships have moved on, we no longer asked and now, aged 9+ the kids are no longer so close to them, having formed other friendships.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2017 16:08

When dd started having play dates at 4 in Reception year, the norm where possible, was for the parent to accompany the child the first time around, settle them in and leave after half an hour.

Your ds is 6. Your dh has seen their home, it will be fine. They are only eager because their son is and you may be giving the mother mixed messages. If their son is an only child, he will be craving contact with his peers. I think you're crossing the line between being cautious to over protective, which if it continues, will prevent your ds from becoming independent.

MrsNuckyThompson · 14/05/2017 16:39

I think you're being quite overprotective. If there isn't anything to suggest you should be concerned then let him go.

I've let my so do this this year and he's just turned 4, starts reception in September. If he's happy then I'm happy and sooo glad of the break!

Topas0117 · 14/05/2017 16:40

A classic example of the extreme cotton wool society we are living in today!

Bluetrews25 · 14/05/2017 16:46

So, can you 'fess up and say you are really nervous about leaving him with people you don't know well, and could you come too this first time, just for a short visit?
You might make a good friend, and it will ease you into letting go a bit.
The alternative is disappointing 2 little lads who just want to play out together with (probably) a very adequate mum supervising at a reasonable distance!

SofiaAmes · 14/05/2017 16:56

Amazing the intolerance for other people's parenting styles that's demonstrated here. Wondering if this intolerance also extends to other people's living styles, or foods or clothing or religion? Why do you all think that finding something that works for you gives you the right to judge everyone else for not doing it exactly the way you do?

I live in Los Angeles and the state schools are extremely multi-cultural here. When my dc's were little they had friends from every culture you can think of. Some of their friend came over for play dates with their mothers. Some with their fathers. Some with siblings. Some with their pets. And some didn't come at all. And one little girl would call me up at 8pm and ask me if I could come and pick her up for a sleepover as her mother wanted to go to the movies. All of these children had parents who loved them and were bringing them up "right." Every one of them had individual circumstances that helped the parents make the decisions that were right for them and their children.

OP, if you are uncomfortable, then don't send your ds without a parent. Have you tried texting back the mum and suggesting a playdate on a day that you are free to go along with him. If the mum really wants her child to play with yours she will accept. And if she really just wants to get her hands on your husband, then she won't.

tovelitime · 14/05/2017 16:56

My kids have always been on laydates alone since reception, the other Mum picks them up, feeds them dinner and I collect about 5.45. I have 2 other children so I don't have the time to go on play dates or entertain other parents in the middle of the week. At 6, assume it's year 1, totally normal to go alone if the child is happy to

paxillin · 14/05/2017 17:07

Amazing the intolerance for other people's parenting styles...I live in Los Angeles and the state schools are extremely multi-cultural here.

Not at all. We live in Central London, very multicultural here, too. If a child is invited, the child comes. If mum or pet invite themselves, child won't come unless I invited said mum or pet, irrespective of their culturural background. I have no problem with other people's parenting, but I don't want to entertain uninvited guests. Kids' playdates mean I can continue working whilst they get on with playing. Parent tagging along means I entertain them. Some of them are friends, fine. Some are not, my day is too short for 3 hours of stilted small talk when I could do stuff.

But OP wasn't trying to tag along, she just didn't want her ds to go I think.

RedSkyAtNight · 14/05/2017 17:07

OP. what needs to happen for you to be happy for him to go on a playdate on his own? If you want to know the parents better, how much better is better? How will you achieve this if just seeing them in the playground occasionally isn't good enough? Or will you be happy for him to go when he is 7,8, 9 ...?

SofiaAmes · 14/05/2017 17:26

paxillin I too lived in London which I agree was very multi-cultural. But in contrast to Los Angeles, in London I found a general intolerance of cultural differences. The state schools were segregated by religion and often by race and income too. I moved back to Los Angeles for exactly this reason.

My comments were based on many posters' comments and implications that the OP was being an overprotective (ie not good) parent because she didn't want to send her ds to this woman's house without a parent.

paxillin · 14/05/2017 17:33

Inner city schools are often not segregated, ours isn't. Class pictures look like Benneton ads and parent parties like the United Nations. This has no bearing whatsoever on my refusal to entertain uninvited guests.

BackforGood · 14/05/2017 18:13

Not segregated in schools where I live either - bit of a leap there. This is about some unnatural worry that the OP has about other parents in her dc's class, only you are suggesting this has anything to do with families being from different cultures.
As so many others have said - when my dcs ever had a friend to play, they would play, whilst I got on with other things. I didn't have time to sit and politely entertain my dc's friend's parent for 3 hours.

SofiaAmes · 14/05/2017 18:15

paxillin My issue is not whether you (or anyone else) chooses or doesn't choose to entertain guests. That's entirely your choice. My issue is with those who think it's ok to judge someone else for not making the same choice as they do.
And by the way, my ds' London inner city school was only partially integrated. Lots of different colors, but few jewish, muslim, catholic or atheist kids in our local Church of England school. And no upper class kids. Maybe this varies from area to area and/or things have changed in the last 10 years.

waterrat · 14/05/2017 18:29

One problem is that working parents don't have much time ..so for me the two afternoons a week I pick my son up I reall5 can't face making strained conversation while the 2 kids are in a totally different part of the house playing. And I'm a friendly person! I just feel life is short and once the kids don't need adult supervision why would a parent want to sit there for 2 hours when they could v2 doing something else. Children grow and develop through being given the chance to build friendships with less adult supervision as they grow older.

Op if say just ve honest and suggest meeting in a park so nobody has to host which is harder work

daisypond · 14/05/2017 18:32

Well, of course you won't get many Jewish, Muslim, Catholic or atheist children in a Church of England school in London - because it's a Church of England school, selecting at least partially on faith.

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