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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents staying with kids at university

140 replies

daffodil10 · 13/05/2017 09:43

My daughter is only 14 so it'll be a few years till she starts university. A colleague mentioned to me that it's quite common for parents to stay with their kids at uni for the first week. When I went to uni my parents drove from Scotland to the midlands dropped me off and drove back again. I couldn't afford the train fare so it was xmas before I saw them again. I can't believe parents stay - let them go!

OP posts:

CoolCarrie · 13/05/2017 12:33

Amy Rosenthal is the daughter of Jack Rosenthal and Maureen Lipman, and was a funny, witty man so his daughter probably enjoyed having him around.

rupert23 · 13/05/2017 12:37

my eldest son went to uni in september. He would never have wanted me there in fact it was hard to even get to hear from him in the first week at all. he wanted to enjoy freshers week with his new friends and would not have wanted mum there to watch over him getting drunk!. Its sad but you have to let your children grow up and become independent .

Firenight · 13/05/2017 12:39

Goodness no. My parents stayed in a B&B because it was a long drive and then went home the following day.

daisypond · 13/05/2017 12:48

My parents didn't even come with me - this was in the '80s. They didn't have a car, so I lugged my stuff to university on the train.

BurnTheBlackSuit · 13/05/2017 12:48

I heard the radio 4 play too!

My parents drove me to uni, helped unload my stuff, took me to the supermarket to do a big shop, took me to lunch and then went home. That was the perfect mix of "we care about you and will help you out" and "you are a grown up now, it's time to be independent".

I can see if it was a long drive, staying in a hotel somewhere overnight before driving home is sensible, but no need to see your child in the morning!

I don't think there is anything wrong with very occasional visits to your child in the three years of uni or even sleeping on their floor for a night if they're ok with that and you stay out of the way of their flatmates or housemates.

notgettingyounger · 13/05/2017 12:52

It is amazing how things move on. My parents didn't dream of giving me a lift to university even on the first day, or of ever picking me up. That is how it had been for them at boarding schools in the 40's so they thought Uni would be the same in the 80's (trunks on trains). My mother wrote me a letter in my first term - does that count? They expected me to get on with it. I have found it incredible that as a parent I have been expected to do a lot of chauffeuring. Actually, it's quite nice. Staying for a week though! Blimey! (Although perhaps I should confess that we have bought ourselves a second property 15 mins away where DD1 is at medical school but that is honestly just because we fell in love with the area!)

Witchend · 13/05/2017 13:03

I would think most halls of residents would say this wasn't allowed due to fire regulations. Think about it-if everyone bought 1 parent who stayed over then it would be over numbers. Staying a couple of nights in the middle would be less likely to be a problem as equally well a few students might well be out all night.

Can you imagine the conversations on freshers' week though?
"Hi I'm Amy, I'm doing Engineering and this is my mum and dad who are staying for the week."
"We're all going out to the pub for... um... um... a lemonade and to get to know each other... would you like to come..?" (crossing fingers and prays hard that she says no)

Lunde · 13/05/2017 13:04

I have read about this - usually in articles from the US about helicopter parents - also it seems to happen in China - but not so much in the UK.

I think it is important that parents don't disrupt those early days where students start to get to know people through cups of tea, deciding what/where to eat/go to the pub and freshers activities. It is easy for students to miss out on friendship groups etc if they spend the first days hanging out with their parents.

PeachyPip · 13/05/2017 13:07

notgettingyounger
It is amazing how things move on

I don't know if you have read the thread but no one except a colleague of the OPs has said that this actually happens. It's pointless being shocked about a non existent issue.

poisonedbypen · 13/05/2017 13:16

I know many people with DCs at uni, plus one of my own & I don't know of a single one who has stayed at the beginning of term. In the first term after a few weeks (half term) we went as a family for a couple of nights & stayed in a nearby hotel but more to experience the city than anything. DD came out for a meal with us then went clubbing with her friends.

GoatsFeet · 13/05/2017 14:01

A colleague mentioned to me that it's quite common for parents to stay with their kids at uni for the first week

No, no, no, no! Please no.

As others say, it might be that parents stay in a hotel nearby for the first weekend before Freshers Week, but please, I beg you - as one of the people trying to educate your children into adulthood at university - don't make "staying with your children at university" a thing.

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 13/05/2017 14:03

I have not heard that its normal either

I keep saying i am going to do this to ds1 ....and all of my children are never quite sure that i am joking

TrinityTaylor · 14/05/2017 00:48

Coolcarrie - my mum is fucking hilarious and my friends love her but she never spent more than an hour in my uni accommodation. Weird in my opinion and if someone's dad was in my shared bathroom I'd be livid

melj1213 · 14/05/2017 02:42

Yeah that's weird ... it's one thing to hang out in the area overnight if they've come a long distance but usually in a hotel - halls are enough chaos the first weekend without random parents there 24/7!

When I went to Uni in 2007 my parents drove me down on the Saturday morning, helped me unpack everything from the car, took me to do a big shop at a big nearby supermarket then dropped me off back at the flat to unpack while they went to check into their nearby hotel. On the Sunday I met my parents for breakfast at their hotel then waved them off home. Next time I saw them was when I came home for Christmas!

Even when I moved into a house share for the 2nd year the only difference from my first year was that because they knew my housemates - as they'd met them when visiting the previous year - and they were the only parents who had had a long enough journey to warrant a hotel stay instead of just dropping me off and leaving, they took my housemates and I out for dinner on that first night. Then they stopped by to help us with some flat pack furniture the following morning before they left, and even then I was ushering them out of the door after a couple of hours of assembling Ikea furniture!

londonrach · 14/05/2017 04:50

I know of only one mum and dad who done that and its because dd had mental health issues. They continued to do this throughout her uni time. I honestly believe if they hadnt she wouldnt be here. Her flat mates were very supportive. Apart from that know no one whos parents did this. My df stayed first time at mine but in b&b but only due to long drive back. He was gone by 9am next morning after popping to me to say goodbye.

buttfacedmiscreant · 14/05/2017 05:12

DS went to college 2000 miles away (we live in the US) and we did a family summer holiday/roadtrip part of the way. We stayed over night the night before in a hotel then moved him in the next day, went to Walmart/Target/supermarket to get him stuff he needed. Then his roommates parents and us took them all out for dinner (their choice but as one of his roommates said "free food!"

We stayed overnight in a hotel and said that we were saying good bye that night but if they needed anything we could grab it in the morning before we left for the airport.

hellokittymania · 14/05/2017 05:22

My mother stayed with me for the first week of university in my dorm room. I have special needs though and was studying at the University in a different state. she also made a family member go with me the first week I was studying abroad, the family member left and I was hit by a car when crossing the road. So the school assigned a companion for me. I really don't know how I managed back then.

JoandMax · 14/05/2017 05:28

Never heard of that happening! My dad just dropped me off and then left, my mum stayed at home.

My FIL did stay in a nearby hotel actually though with DH - but they were living overseas at that point so had flown back in and he stayed to do some banking/admin type stuff for a few days. I don't think he saw DH though in that time!

Newtothisunichoosinggame · 14/05/2017 05:30

DS2 is going to a Scottish university, He and I are flying up there as a few years ago when we one visited the city we got stuck in traffic and it took us 11 hours to get home, never again and it's cheaper to fly than drive. We intend to buy saucepans etc there. I'll stay over night because I love the city but don't expect him to be with me once I've bank rolled what he needs.

KingKongHadABigDong · 14/05/2017 05:32

Nope my parents didn't do this. I'm 33 and live 5 mins from uni my parents ten. I have a 9 year old dd not planning on jumping ship should she decide to go to uni. I am at yank Noe complete career change. Not helpful. As you were

Newtothisunichoosinggame · 14/05/2017 05:32

Just hasten to add I'm staying in a decent hotel.

bouncydog · 14/05/2017 05:59

We live overseas so when DD went to Uni in U.K. we stayed in U.K. for a week and had a holiday. We did have to go back to the Uni town the following day as she had a complete meltdown but DH was very firm in that she should stay and work things out. Once she made friends (24 hours) everything was fine - she later took on a mentoring role for freshers recognising that it's a big step for many of them leaving home for the first time.

Cheby · 14/05/2017 08:38

This is bonkers. When I went my DM dropped me off, helped me carry my stuff upstairs and then disappeared. We had a formal dinner on the first night anyway so had to get ready and out by 6pm. It would have been a betrayal of hallmates' privacy to invite a parent to stay over in halls!

My DC are only tiny but I've already been wondering how I'll go about making them more independent at 18 than I was. I was constantly wondering whether I was 'allowed' to do things and wasn't confident to just go and get on with stuff. And yet I still managed all my uni visits and interviews on my own (including 4 days in Oxford and 2 separate trips to London). None of my friends brought their parents with them. Seems by today's standards I would have been independent. A bunch of my friends at age 18 were off traveling the world and getting into the sort of scrapes with border crossings and visas that would give them anecdotes to dine out on for years to come. I always felt very tame and childlike in comparison.

SoupDragon · 14/05/2017 08:41

Its sad but you have to let your children grow up and become independent

Sad??

PetalMettle · 14/05/2017 08:48

My friend'S mum stayed for a week, on her floor, despite the fact she was sharing with her best friend anyway.
Someone else I know went up and stayed in a nearby hotel and saw DC the first few days for food shop etc
My mum drove me up and then left me with tom Hiddlestone

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