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AIBU?

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Original poster

About boyfriends friend ?

154 replies

onsleek · 12/05/2017 13:13

I'm fully prepared to be told I really am being unreasonable here .
The backstory is that when me and my partner first got together over a year ago , his best friend (who is female if that's relevant) took his phone when they were on a night out and started messaging me when she was drunk . I thought it was odd but didn't really say anything .
Another time she took his phone and changed his screensaver from a picture of me to a picture of her . I was a bit 🙄😳 about that one but again let it go .
Last week my boyfriend went to stay with her for a night and again she took his phone and changed his profile picture on Facebook then started messaging me things about how she was happy he was happy with me ect and I was pretty upset about it this time because (I'm humiliated even typing this) he has private photos and videos of me on his mobile and the background on his phone was of me in my underwear and I just felt really embarrassed that she'd seen that and had been through his photos to be able to change his profile picture .
Anyway the next day he told her to apologise , which she did but very sarcastically and she just could not understand why I was upset . Now in a few weeks he is due to be spending a weekend away with her and this is awful but I'm really not comfortable with him going . Every time I think about what she has seen on his mobile I want to cry .Aibu to feel like this ?

OP posts:
MissBax · 12/05/2017 16:55

Most people probably won't like me saying this or agree, but if my OH was staying at a single woman's house, no matter how good friends, I wouldn't be happy. Then add on all the weird shit she's been doing, I'd probably have an ultimatum for him!

Creampastry · 12/05/2017 17:00

Take the phone and delete all those photos as your relationship is going down the pan.

StarryCorpulentCunt · 12/05/2017 17:01

TBH it mostly sounds like your average juvenile pranks that you pull on close friends sometimes. My best friend and I have a similar lack of boundaries although we are not quite that immature. Although saying that, he did once change my facebook picture to one of himself in a onesie. Dumbass. Nothing going on there, in fact he is gay.

What would bug me is him having a pic of you in your underwear as his screensaver. Confused Who the fuck does that? That is the sort of thing that dumb 15 year olds do. Anyone could see that. The old dear sitting behind him on the bus can see that when he checks the time ffs.

The only thing that really sets alarm bells ringing for me is that you have never met this best friend. For someone that he seems to spend so much time with, it strikes me as odd that you have never met her, not even in passing. IDK what to think tbh, OP. I can see why it makes you uncomfortable.

You can't really ask him not to go or not to see her. Chances are he is not going to choose between you and it is unfair to make him if she really is just a friend.

PaintingOwls · 12/05/2017 17:06

The thing you need to do above all else is get a hold of his phone and delete all the nudes of you from there.

Then see what you can do about boundaries, I agree it all sounds very strange.

WifeyFish · 12/05/2017 17:09

For context, I have a male best friend who I've known since uni. We DID have relations early on in our friendship, but it was just a teenage fling and our relationship has been purely platonic for many, many years. You could tell the importance of any relationship over the years by whether we've met them or not i.e. I always knew things were getting serious when I got a call/text asking if I could meet a girlfriend and have always been super mindful of not coming across as too familiar when I do meet them as I'd never want someone important to them to feel threatened or uncomfortable about our friendship. When he had an American girlfriend we skyped her during our quiet night in so I could "meet" her.

He's friends with my DP, they have mutual interests, happily hang out if I'm not about and I've been totally transparent about our history.

I would NEVER dream of behaving in the way your DP's friend is, and know if I tried to my friend would quickly cut me off.

TheEmmaDilemma · 12/05/2017 17:19

@FrenchMartiniTime Grin

kittybiscuits · 12/05/2017 17:25

You just need to send this text: This relationship isn't working out for me. Please don't contact me again.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 12/05/2017 18:09

I don't like the dynamic of their relationship. She sounds like a complete arse, but the problem is as much with him as it is with her. I think you should find yourself a better BF and leave the pair of them to do their thing. But before you do so, as PPs have said, make sure you get hold of his phone and delete the videos and photos of yourself. I'm sure you don't need to be reminded of revenge porn, right? No-one thinks their BF would share intimate pictures online, but many women have found that's not always the case when they break up. It's very unwise to give out pics/videos you wouldn't want the world to see.

badabing36 · 12/05/2017 18:14

So not hearing much support for staying with the boyfriend. What do you think op?

Hannahbanana1725 · 12/05/2017 18:35

Honestly, when i first read the thread it just sounded like they're really good friends having a laugh with eachother. I'd also be pissed off if my OH let someone else, male or female see intimate photos of me.
And it's great that you trust him and it's equally great you've talked to him about it and he's tried to change the way things are eg. Putting password on phone so it doesn't happen again.
But I would be extremely jealous of my OH spending nights and weekends away with another woman, even if I knew categorically that nothing was going on between them, I would still feel very uncomfortable with it and always have that thought in the back of my head that something could happen between them.
But I doubt he's going to change his mind about going away with her, which clearly she's a very important part of his life if he is putting her above you and I don't think that's going to change, regardless of your opinion about her.
Also find it odd you haven't met her yet 🤔

Foxysoxy01 · 12/05/2017 18:47

No it's not normal and personally I wouldn't be at all ok with it!

The problem is your DP obviously doesn't see it as a problem or doesn't care that you have a problem with their friendship and lack of boundaries. If he did he would make arrangements to stop the interfering with his phone/arrange for you to meet/not go away on a weekend just the two of them etc etc.

I'm not sure what we can do for you really other than say it's not normal and not really ok.

You are going to find it very hard to have a serious relationship with him with her around and he rightly or wrongly doesn't want to compromise so you either suck it up or tell him you can't deal with it and see what he says but know that it might be the end.

milliemolliemou · 12/05/2017 18:51

The main thing I can't understand - apart from the distance, which doesn't seem to be insurmountable for such a close friendship - is why she doesn't meet you/isn't invited to meet/stay with you if your relationship with your chap has a future.

And as PPs have said before, ask him to delete any adult type pix he has of you on the phone and check he has done. Why do people do this? She could have already forwarded them to her own database for further use if she were peculiarly nasty. Or, if you and he split up, he could have some fun with them even if he is a "nice" man in your view - he's clearly already let his best friend get hold of them.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 12/05/2017 18:51

My husband used to leave his phone on the table when he went to the bar. His friends used to pinch it and text me daft stuff. It was funny for a while but when one of them started going through photos and reading our texts to one another I told him to keep his phone in his pocket or I'd never send another dirty text again!!! It worked Wink Your boyfriend shouldn't be allowing her to get his phone let alone change the pics it's very disrespectful

Brittbugs80 · 12/05/2017 20:02

Has he definitely been working abroad for two months? Why is she the first person he wants to see when he gets back? Do you live together?

Brittbugs80 · 12/05/2017 20:03

Has he definitely been working abroad for two months? Why is she the first person he wants to see when he gets back? Do you live together?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 12/05/2017 20:11

If she was just a friend you would have met her by now.

If he was just her friend she would want to meet you!!
Get yourself to the doctors for an sti check up. .

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 12/05/2017 21:46

They both are immature. Total invasion of privacy to ogle at saucy photos of you. I'd dump him for not being loyal enough to not show them to a friend. So disrespectful. Dump him and leave them to it.

Booshbeesh · 12/05/2017 22:01

I can confidently say if u message and say it's not working dont contact you would.probably not even get an acknowledgement text back. Harsh yes. But true. Ur his toy, his play thing. She is his everything. That's obvious to me. It should be to you too

tiredybear · 13/05/2017 12:44

or...maybe everything is as he says it is. You were upset about her using his phone because of the personal messages/photos.....he has now added a passcode so she can't do that again.
You felt she had over stepped the line...he made her apologise even though he feels this has now fundamentally affected their relationship.
Maybe, if this relationship is serious and you do trust him you should be the one to suggest that you get the chance to get to know his best friend. She's obviously an important part of his life. (and also, by seeing them together you'll be much better able to tell if there IS anything to worry about.)

Original poster
onsleek · 13/05/2017 15:24

Just an update - we talked about it some more yesterday and he has decided he's not going to go on the weekend away with her

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 13/05/2017 16:59

That's good. I hope he takes the commitment to you seriously and appreciates he has had to make this sacrifice to be with you because of his inappropriate behaviour.

AnyFucker · 13/05/2017 17:01

Until the next time...

Did he actually acknowledge how much he has been taking the piss ?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 13/05/2017 17:23

He will be more careful next time and go without your knowledge. .

kittybiscuits · 13/05/2017 17:33

Hope he didn't just concede on this one issue to get you to STFU because the whole situation sounds like a nightmare.

Nanny0gg · 13/05/2017 17:36

Why oh why do people have highly personal photographs on their phones?

It is so asking for trouble at some point.

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