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AIBU?

About boyfriends friend ?

154 replies

onsleek · 12/05/2017 13:13

I'm fully prepared to be told I really am being unreasonable here .
The backstory is that when me and my partner first got together over a year ago , his best friend (who is female if that's relevant) took his phone when they were on a night out and started messaging me when she was drunk . I thought it was odd but didn't really say anything .
Another time she took his phone and changed his screensaver from a picture of me to a picture of her . I was a bit 🙄😳 about that one but again let it go .
Last week my boyfriend went to stay with her for a night and again she took his phone and changed his profile picture on Facebook then started messaging me things about how she was happy he was happy with me ect and I was pretty upset about it this time because (I'm humiliated even typing this) he has private photos and videos of me on his mobile and the background on his phone was of me in my underwear and I just felt really embarrassed that she'd seen that and had been through his photos to be able to change his profile picture .
Anyway the next day he told her to apologise , which she did but very sarcastically and she just could not understand why I was upset . Now in a few weeks he is due to be spending a weekend away with her and this is awful but I'm really not comfortable with him going . Every time I think about what she has seen on his mobile I want to cry .Aibu to feel like this ?

OP posts:

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PNGirl · 12/05/2017 13:37

This would upset me. If someone is working away, they shouldn't be equally splitting their.2 nights at home between partner and a friend whether they are male or female.

WifeyFish · 12/05/2017 13:38

She's definitely marking her territory, and he's happily letting her...I'd hazard a guess that he's loving the attention. I do find it odd that you've never met her, and that after 2 months away he'd rather go away for a weekend with her than spend time with you. I'd be interested to know what their relationship was like prior to you as it sounds like there may be more to this than he's letting on.

EssentialHummus · 12/05/2017 13:38

He's loving having 2 girls fight over him. It's not a respectful way to treat you. I think you should ltb, he's being manipulative

Exactly this. I'm angry on your behalf, TBH. What would you say to a friend who was in a situation like this?

Pinkheart5917 · 12/05/2017 13:39

Why does he stay overnight & go away for the weekend? Just them alone.

Don't get wrong nothing wrong with man & women being friends, my best friend is a man but I haven't stayed overnight with him alone since before I met dh. I have stayed in the same hotel ( separate rooms) /same friends flat as him but never us alone.

Also if your bf and this friend are so close why haven't you met her? Why can't she come where you & him live for a visit?

They both sound childish to me, oh borrow my phone on text my gf naughty you texting my gf

Either she's just weird or his dipping his penis inside her when he visits!

Your a year in, I think I'd cut my losses

NC1nightstand · 12/05/2017 13:39

Arrarrrrgh! Wrote loads then the battery died. Ok, very possible that your bf is very unaware of her feelings for him but she is very aware of what she's doing. You do need to talk to him about the pictures on the phone being strictly for his eyes only but then you need to get him to see what she's up to for himself.
I would take her out for lunch or a drink and get the measure of her and then I would get him talking about how he feels about you spending time with male friends if you do or hypothetically, if you don't.
Of course it could turn out that he is not so innocent and only you will know that. If that does turn out to be the case and then he is the loser! But I really think it sounds like a case of her only wanting him because he is with you and she likes the way he treats you.
Has anything ever happened between them in the past? Does she have have a bf at the moment?
You will need to let her know it's all about you and him now and she needs to respect boundaries. This is where, imho, genuine friendships between men and women can get a bit tricky. I have been in your shoes and also hers - as long as she doesn't actually like him, it's tricky to maintain a really good friendship without making the new gf feel weird. Always best to be very open and honest from the get go.

LineysRun · 12/05/2017 13:40

They're in a relationship. A weird one, but nevertheless a relationship of some sort. Reminds me of a former boyfriend, actually - I wouldn't have believed it till I experienced it.

You need to walk away from this farce, for your own sanity. But get his phone first and delete all your photos.

FizzyGreenWater · 12/05/2017 13:40

He's part of the problem.

This is INCREDIBLY teenage - on his part too. She is a dick, but if he was worth anything at all he'd be thinking that too and would be distancing himself. Instead he's revelling in it.

Please dump him - this one isn't a keeper, if only for his taste in 'best friends'. And yes, he will be enjoying this and seeing you wound up, and yes he will be enjoying seeing her make it clear that she's marking her territory and yes, they probably do 'mess around' when drunk (and will do this upcoming weekend).

Do yourself a favour and move on from this nonsense.

onsleek · 12/05/2017 13:40

He says that nothing has ever happened between them and I do believe him . He told me at the beginning that his ex was always jealous of her but I don't think it was jealousy i think it would have been more anger and annoyance that she butts in . I appreciate it may seem like they're a couple but as far as I'm aware she's had a few boyfriends since I met him

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 12/05/2017 13:40

Are you just a thing for him? I don't think his actions are doing him any favours.
I know after a year, most wouldn't want heavy commitment or anything like that however, I think he's being disrespectful.
Non evidential, gut feel thought is that she wants more from him, then he'll give

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 12/05/2017 13:41

wake up and smell the coffee....

he is away for two weeks and runs straight to her? You do not matter one bit other than to try and tempt her to pose in her scanties for him.... well onsleek does it, look at my phone

dearie me, isn't he the man about town with his two totties dangling on a string?

ProseccoBitch · 12/05/2017 13:41

They sound like they're 12 years old. There's no way I'd put up with this situation, and your boyfriend is allowing it to happen. Get out now OP.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 12/05/2017 13:42

Still standing by my reply. .
Find someone who priorities you and your dc.
Don't settle for being a bit on the side like you are now. .

Lochan · 12/05/2017 13:42

I'm not clear on why you are angry with her for "taking his phone".

Be angry with him for allowing it.

Be angry with him for all of this. He allowed it. He could have changed the pictures back and said nothing.

Why isn't it password protected if he has private pictures of you? If he lost it anyone could see them!

onsleek · 12/05/2017 13:43

Well I'm angry at both . More so at her because I don't think it's normal to just take someone's phone off the table and start using it without asking

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 12/05/2017 13:43

But why bother with all this nonsense? Even if all innocent, he's got a stupid interfering 'best mate' who acts like they're all in sixth form and does stupid wind-up things with girlfriends she doesn't even know, and he's fine with that?

Just walk away and find a grown up!!!

PeaFaceMcgee · 12/05/2017 13:44

He needs to promise you he's deleted all private photos and videos of you - it's really not ok for these to be on his phone.

Pinkheart5917 · 12/05/2017 13:44

as far as I'm aware she's had a few boyfriends since I met him says who your bf ? Becuase you haven't met this girl. It's not going to say she doesn't need a bf I'm shagging her brains out.

They sound like a couple, not just friends. If it's quacks like a duck and walks like a duck it's probably a duck!

Even if he isn't shagging her, he is still a very disrespectful man to you is that who you want to be with?

FizzyGreenWater · 12/05/2017 13:44

A year isn't long. You've got a child, you don't need a partner as immature as this (with equally immature 'friends').

To coin a phrase, you could do a lot better.

LineysRun · 12/05/2017 13:44

OP, you don't have to be a 'couple' to be having some kind of relationship.

PortableVirgin · 12/05/2017 13:46

OP, quite apart from anything else, someone who isn't capable of keeping his phone of his friends' hands when he's drinking shouldn't have sex/semi-clad photos and videos of you on it. Get him to delete them, and consider whether you want to continue in a relationship with someone who sounds juvenile and not particularly committed.

EmilyBiscuit · 12/05/2017 13:46

If your DP can't keep his phone private there should be no photos on it. You need to insist that he deletes them. Sending photos / videos / sexts is risky, and if you can't trust HIM to know how to keep them private that you can't trust him to have them at all.

Her going through the phone is a massive invasion of your DP's privacy and it is up to him how to deal with it. If a friend went through my phone without asking, they wouldn't be a friend anymore, regardless of how long we had known each other.

Her messaging you with his phone is also inappropriate, and I too would expect an apology. If it were given begrudgingly I suspect she isn't sorry but didn't like having to apologise - hopefully this will be enough to stop it happening again.

Pinkheart5917 · 12/05/2017 13:47

More so at her because I don't think it's normal to just take someone's phone off the table and start using it without asking

He goes out With this "friend" often so he knows she takes his phone yet he still leaves it on the table?

When she picks his phone up, he doesn't say " oh come on x, Do grow up"

Surely his phone has a password lock? So she knows the password why did he tell her it? Why doesn't he change the password?

He is the problem here

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PortableVirgin · 12/05/2017 13:47

Sorry 'phone OUT of his friends' hands'.

AnyFucker · 12/05/2017 13:47

You are being mugged off by both of them

Find some self respect and tell this dog with 2 dicks to fuck right off

Lochan · 12/05/2017 13:47

What's "not normal" onsleek is not saying "oi! That's private give it back".

What's not normal is not having a passcode when you hold private data on your phone.

Why doesn't he care about you enough to protect your feelings? To protect your privacy?

She is irrelevant. He is the one responsible for your feelings.

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