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AIBU?

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Original poster

About boyfriends friend ?

154 replies

onsleek · 12/05/2017 13:13

I'm fully prepared to be told I really am being unreasonable here .
The backstory is that when me and my partner first got together over a year ago , his best friend (who is female if that's relevant) took his phone when they were on a night out and started messaging me when she was drunk . I thought it was odd but didn't really say anything .
Another time she took his phone and changed his screensaver from a picture of me to a picture of her . I was a bit 🙄😳 about that one but again let it go .
Last week my boyfriend went to stay with her for a night and again she took his phone and changed his profile picture on Facebook then started messaging me things about how she was happy he was happy with me ect and I was pretty upset about it this time because (I'm humiliated even typing this) he has private photos and videos of me on his mobile and the background on his phone was of me in my underwear and I just felt really embarrassed that she'd seen that and had been through his photos to be able to change his profile picture .
Anyway the next day he told her to apologise , which she did but very sarcastically and she just could not understand why I was upset . Now in a few weeks he is due to be spending a weekend away with her and this is awful but I'm really not comfortable with him going . Every time I think about what she has seen on his mobile I want to cry .Aibu to feel like this ?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/05/2017 14:47

he is jealous of you and wants him for herself

I doubt that's true. She is taking rhe piss out of the op and mocking her and he's allowing her to. Possibly even encouraging it. I wonder if it's he wants her.

alltouchedout · 12/05/2017 14:47

He's the problem. If I had photos of DH on my phone that I didn't know 100% he'd be happy for others to see, I would not let anyone else have access to my phone. She sounds like a twat, but that's not the main issue.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 12/05/2017 14:49

So you've been together just a year yet when he'd been away for 2 months of that he gave you 1 night & his BF the same? Hmm Have been with DH many, many years & am almost certain there's no fucking way he'd have been off out with mates in the same circumstances. He also wouldn't be happy with any of them rooting through his phone & looking at raunchy pics.
I think perhaps you're more into the relationship than he is, sorry.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/05/2017 15:04

"he has private photos and videos of me on his mobile"
Get them deleted right away. I know you said he put a password on his phone the day after that incident, but it's not enough. (And frankly, I find the lack of password strange. I barely use a mobile but it is password-protected in case it is stolen. Who doesn't password protect their mobile Confused?)

Also - many women have found that such photos/videos are no longer private after the end of a relationship. As a general rule, think hard about 'private' photos.

User16357472 · 12/05/2017 15:05

Oh no OP Sad

You're so invested in him you can't see it. I had a similar scenario with a now ex. He had a 'friend' she lived a few hours away, she was JUST a friend, always told me about her, if she was messaging (never what the messages said) turns out, they had a relationship, they'd slept together, and she'd fallen pregnant (miscarried) but it was the same as you're describing. He also told me all the time the friendship was coming to and end because she had caused so many problems.. this was dragged out.

Sounds to me like they are maybe FWB. Angry

KickAssAngel · 12/05/2017 15:09

doesn't matter whether it's a bromance or a romance - you are lower down his priority list than she is. He's lost one partner because of her, and is on the verge of losing you, but she still comes first.

You won't change that. Either HE wakes up and realizes that a childhood friendship is wrecking his relationships, or you have to deal with being second-fiddle to her. And she's loving the power play, quite obviously, so this will just keep going on and on.

Shockers · 12/05/2017 15:31

The posters who say men and women can be close friends without romantic feelings are absolutely right.

But this woman is giving off a very definite message that the OP's BF was hers first, so she has free reign.

That's not the sort of platonic friendships that pps have talked about.

AShowerOfBastardsTed · 12/05/2017 15:36

Sounds like hiding in plain sight.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 12/05/2017 15:42

Of course men and women can be friends. I've just emailed a (male) friend of mine with a newsy update because I haven't seen him for a while. The difference is that DH also knows him - although he's my friend rather than DH's. We've been out for lunch and coffee just the two of us, but DH and I regularly go out for dinner as a four with my friend and his DW. I am also friendly with his DW and she sometimes joins me and friend when we go for coffee/lunch. I often read my friend's emails out to DH and I know that my friend does this with his DW as well.

It's all completely above board as we include our spouses in the relationship, because there is nothing to hide - and I'm always happy to spend time with my friend with his DW or with my DH in tow as well.

shinyredbus · 12/05/2017 15:48

Hi OP. First off - i hope you have realised by now that this boyfriend of yours is taking advantage of you. Having his cake and eating it as well. I showed my husband your post and he says he would be most concerned about why his is staying over at this woman's house - what exactly is he doing that he can't do and then come home to you?

I think you are clouded by the fact that he's happy to provide for you and your kids, even though the children are not his. While this is great - he is now just using the fact that you find this gesture kind and taking the piss out of you. You cannot play second fiddle to his best friend or whatever, you must come first and he does not/will not realise this.

Does this best friend have feelings for him? Sounds plausible, or she might just be a right twat and marking her territory, either way - just NO. You need to come first, you and the children. If he's not willing to show you that - dump him. Going away for a 'last weekend together?!' Jesus Christ - what planet is he on?! Do not let him go OP. Make him choose - go and lose you, or stay and piss best friend off - if this person really is his best friend, she will understand. You'll see where his priorities lie then.

Good luck. Flowers

Huskylover1 · 12/05/2017 15:55

Oh dear. You are being really, really naive here. Of course he's shagging her.

*That's why she's being so territorial about him.
That's why he chose to visit her as as soon as he got back from his trip. That's why you haven't met her.
*That's why they go away together.

You appear to horse blinkers on. Confused

pheebo · 12/05/2017 15:57

Hell no. Definitely not okay

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 12/05/2017 16:07

This just has "Disaster" written all over it.

No matter what he "provides" for you is no match for the level of disrespect and violation of privacy and boundaries he's done to you.

It's been a year and you know you can't trust her and you've never ever met her. Things won't get better OP.

Dump and ditch.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 12/05/2017 16:09

I bet you a pound to a pinch of pig shit her and him are messing round behind your back and your just letting it happen its time for you to wake up and smell the coffee love he's been away for 2 months for work and he's coming home to spend time with her not you that would sound alarm bells in my head never mind the fact that you've been with this fella a year and you've never met the best friend instant red flag he sees nothing wrong with her going on his phone and sending you messages and going through his pictures. I think it's time for you to LTB he's a player and he's enjoying the attention of 2 women and probably getting a massive kick out of the 2 of your fighting over him. Time to tell him to sling his hook.

FrenchMartiniTime · 12/05/2017 16:10

Bunny boiler alert!!!!

(Her not you Wink)

Happybunny19 · 12/05/2017 16:14

I would hate this. I put money on her actually fancying him and this whole thing her trying to make you feel uncomfortable because she's jealous. It's particularly odd you haven't met this woman who he stays overnight with IMO.

FrenchMartiniTime · 12/05/2017 16:16

Also OP that silly immature behaviour would piss me right off and if your OH won't tell her to get a grip I would LTB and go find a grown man!

Can I ask how old you all are? I'm going to guess about 18/19?

Original poster
onsleek · 12/05/2017 16:17

Frenchmartini me and the friend are 24 and my boyfriend is 27

OP posts:
Launderetta · 12/05/2017 16:24

Ditch him.
He's not worthy of you.
Just get it over with this weekend & then you can start living for yourself, not wasting time with a cheater.

FrenchMartiniTime · 12/05/2017 16:25

No offence meant, this just seems so immature on the friends part I assumed you were all younger Blush

Definitely speak to your boyfriend, she is being really disrespectful and to be honest a bit....odd Confused

Hopefully your OH says something!

blue2014 · 12/05/2017 16:26

Can you say why you don't think it's sexual. I've had male friends - I would never act like that. Her boundaries are all over the place and he's allowing that.

I'm sorry, I definitely think they are shagging. Ask to meet her, she can come to you .. that'll give you your answer

LilacSpatula · 12/05/2017 16:32

How does she get into his phone? Get him to change his passcode and make sure he knows that she should not be accessing his personal stuff. Surely you can expect him to agree to this? My DH would be furious if one of his friends did this to me.

Original poster
onsleek · 12/05/2017 16:38

I can't really say why I don't think it's sexual , but I trust him when he says it's not and never has been . I also have a few close male friends and we definitely don't behave like this with one another

OP posts:
BaldricksTrousers · 12/05/2017 16:45

You say he is providing for you and your child....how much of your income is dependent on him? Are you beholden to him financially?

Original poster
onsleek · 12/05/2017 16:46

No , I am not financially dependent on him but he helps out if I need it without question

OP posts:
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