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AIBU?

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Original poster

About boyfriends friend ?

154 replies

onsleek · 12/05/2017 13:13

I'm fully prepared to be told I really am being unreasonable here .
The backstory is that when me and my partner first got together over a year ago , his best friend (who is female if that's relevant) took his phone when they were on a night out and started messaging me when she was drunk . I thought it was odd but didn't really say anything .
Another time she took his phone and changed his screensaver from a picture of me to a picture of her . I was a bit 🙄😳 about that one but again let it go .
Last week my boyfriend went to stay with her for a night and again she took his phone and changed his profile picture on Facebook then started messaging me things about how she was happy he was happy with me ect and I was pretty upset about it this time because (I'm humiliated even typing this) he has private photos and videos of me on his mobile and the background on his phone was of me in my underwear and I just felt really embarrassed that she'd seen that and had been through his photos to be able to change his profile picture .
Anyway the next day he told her to apologise , which she did but very sarcastically and she just could not understand why I was upset . Now in a few weeks he is due to be spending a weekend away with her and this is awful but I'm really not comfortable with him going . Every time I think about what she has seen on his mobile I want to cry .Aibu to feel like this ?

OP posts:
BaggyCheeks · 12/05/2017 13:47

He needs to sort that out. He's demonstrating a clear lack of respect for you and your relationship by allowing her to act this way. Or he's shagging her.

If you confront him about this, which you wouldn't be unreasonable to do, perhaps make him aware that he will continue to have exes as long as he lets her continue that way - no sane woman would be happy with this situation. Or he should just start a relationship with her instead.

TempusEedjit · 12/05/2017 13:47

It doesn't matter whether his friend is male or female, he is clearly prioritising her over you. Boundaries are being crossed all over the place and he is being emotionally unfaithful to you even if nothing is happening physically yeah like hell nothing's happening

BorisTrumpsHair · 12/05/2017 13:47

Get a hold of his phone asap and delete all those pictures you feel uncomfortable about off the phone.

Then think about dumping him.

Harriedharriet · 12/05/2017 13:48

My DBrother had a friend like this. She was possive, jealous and aggressive to all other women in his life. Poor DB did not realize it and could not understand why the wimin in his life just could not get along. Eventually I realized that DB actually LOVED it!
He married someone just like her and finds his mojo in that mix.
If you don't, walk away 'cause it is definitely him not her. Usually is in these cases I have since realized. Naught queer as folk and all that 😅😅

NoChella · 12/05/2017 13:49

OP I'm going to stand up for your DP's friendship here, it's a shame that so many PP are trying to say "no smoke without fire" etc. when that's not actually what your post is about!

One of my very best friends is male so I understand the friendship, being the female in the friendship, I can honestly say her behaviour is out of order and YANBU. I would never ever do this to my friend, who incidentally has a new GF who I met last weekend.

I think you should speak to your DP about how it's making you feel and it is up to him to have a word with her. If she is being sarcastic and rude, it's up to your DP to stand up to her out of respect for you. She could well be jealous but if your DP is a decent man he should see through that and have a word with her about it. I would suggest meeting her too, can she come and stay with you both for a weekend?

ohfourfoxache · 12/05/2017 13:51

This is not normal at all

So he's supposed to be with you but fucks off regularly to spend time with her? Even if it was a male friend he was meeting, it still wouldn't be ok.

Personally I'd ditch the fucker. He shows you no respect at all.

Original poster
onsleek · 12/05/2017 13:51

Thanks for all the advice . I realise he probably sounds awful written on paper but apart from this he is a good man . He is happy to provide for me and my kids even though they're not his and I think he genuinely does love me and them.
I have brought this up with him and told him I'm not comfortable with him going away with her but he has come up with several reasons why he's going to go still - it cost a lot , he doesn't think the friendship is going to be the same anymore because he made her apologise so he wants one last weekend with her , it's her birthday present from him ect
He did put a password on his phone the next day

OP posts:
PaulDacresFeministConscience · 12/05/2017 13:52

There is a disturbing lack of boundaries here. Assuming that the relationship between them is purely platonic, he's placing equal importance on spending the same amount of time with her that he does with you. Why would your partner work away for 2 months, spend his first night back with you and then immediately depart to spend a night with her? Whilst I'd encourage anyone to pursue friendships, it doesn't sound healthy that he feels he needs to divide his time strictly 50/50 between you both.

Why can't she come over here to meet you? When I met my DH I wanted to introduce him to my friends and show him my life - why would you keep someone so important shut away from your BF? I can't imagine not seeing my DH for 2 months and then only spending 24 hours with him before swanning off to see friends. I like my friends but I prioritise my family time first - as do they.

It sounds to me as if they are either FWB and he's lying about the nature of the relationship. Or she is hugely territorial and your partner is naive at best, or at worst is enjoying being fought over. Either way it sounds like too much bloody hard work to me, so I'd be binning him and letting him get on with it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/05/2017 13:54

One last weekend with her?! Oh OP. He is deeply involved with her.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 12/05/2017 13:54

he doesn't think the friendship is going to be the same anymore because he made her apologise so he wants one last weekend with her

Oh come ON. Really? Hmm
Nice way of making it your fault but he still wants to go off on his jolly with her. If someone had done something inappropriate which upset one of my family members, there's no way in hell I'd be volunteering to spend time with them. And if I thought our friendship would change, then I'd chalk it up to experience and tell myself that my family's happiness is more important than their childish little tantrum.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 12/05/2017 13:55

I am betting his birthday gift to her is long and hard (or maybe short?? Grin)

TempusEedjit · 12/05/2017 13:57

^ Everything pauldacres said ^

HouseworkIsASin10 · 12/05/2017 13:58

So he would rather spend his time off with his friend than his girlfriend?

If he has been working away for months he should be desperate to spend more time with you.

She sounds like a petulant child who wants his attention. He needs to get wise to this and stop jumping when she clicks her fingers.

Original poster
onsleek · 12/05/2017 13:58

Sorry forgot to say to whoever asked they've been friends since high school , he's 27 now

OP posts:
PhoenixJasmine · 12/05/2017 13:58

What has he said when you've talked to him about this? Why does he allow her to do these things, especially if he knows you don't appreciate it? Why has he not introduced the two of you? (I understand distance and kids, but it's been a year - does she never visit him, always him visiting her?). Why is he so careless with personal pictures of you?

Basically it sounds like you are not his priority here, which is fair enough, you've only been dating a year, 2 months of which he's been out of the country, between his sleepovers with her and your kids, you could probably still count the actual number of days/weeks you've spent together in surprisingly low digits (doesn't sound like you live together I hope not at least! ) - really you're still only just getting to know each other.

The question is, the more you get to know him - is he someone you want to continue to pursue a serious relationship with?

Pinkheart5917 · 12/05/2017 13:59

he doesn't think the friendship is going to be the same anymore because he made her apologise so he wants one last weekend with her 😂

I bet his got one last probably small hard birthday gift for her Wink

Have they got separate rooms on this romantic weekend away?

NellieFiveBellies · 12/05/2017 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PollytheDolly · 12/05/2017 14:05

Oh, fuck that.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2017 14:05

C'mon! No one can be this naive! And letting him take photos of you like that, unwise in the extreme. This guy's a drama llama. Immature, too. I CBA'd with this. Find a grown up to date.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/05/2017 14:06

He wants a last weekend with her. Alarm bells. If she were no threat and if they had a normal but close friendship, you would have met her. Don't kid yourself. He may consider her his "sister" if it's innocent but she certainly doesn't and she's pissing all over your territory. Dh had a group of friends like this, who he incidentally met after he met me. They never respected me and it took me several years to realise the women were queuing up for him the moment our relationship failed, which it didn't. I eventually stood my ground... didn't end well and it was hard for him but it had to be done.

muckypup73 · 12/05/2017 14:07

Can you not get her to come to your house? instead of him staying over at hers?

FizzyGreenWater · 12/05/2017 14:07

One last weekend?

Ok, you need to show him you have a little more self respect than this.

'Ok fine. Sorry, I'm not happy with that, it says more about you than I think you realise. If you think your friendship is over then there really isn't any point in going unless you're messing someone about - and I don't intend that to be me. I'm not interested in being in this relationship any more if you can't see why it's really not on for you to be going away with this person for a weekend.'

HeyHoThereYouGo657 · 12/05/2017 14:11

YOU are not the one being unreasonable here .

I couldn't be dealing with that . Seriously.

FootstepsMerlot · 12/05/2017 14:12

I am rolling my eyes hard at a lot of these replies. OP I am your DP's female friend in this situation. My best friend of over a decade is male. We now live a few hours from each other so take it in turns to visit each other and stay over (calling these 'sleepovers' like a PP is weird).

When at his we share a room (at mine I have a spare room he sleeps in). We've gone on weekends away and shared a room. Once shared a double bed due to a hotel booking mixup. What I'm saying is it's entirely possible to have a close male and female friendship without there being anything more. You are not being naive.

Having said that, nicking someone's phone and messaging their girlfriend who you've never met is a real dick move. It's your DP's responsibility to sort her out. And don't try to ban him from visiting. If my partner of a year told me to stop visiting my best friends I'd get rid of them without a second thought.

OhJustPassTheCake · 12/05/2017 14:13

oh no.... this seems wrong on so many levels...

perhaps re-read your post OP, imagining someone else has written it about them, do you see the alarm bells now? xx

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