AIBU to think he's never going to propose?!

[PandaEyes25]

I've been with my Partner for 7 years.
We met at sixth form, went to separate Uni's, did our Masters together and moved back to our home town.
We now own a beautiful 3 bed detached home together (both have 50% share).
I am 25 and he is 24 so still quite young, I guess.
But now I feel like it's time we progressed our relationship further.
We have talked about getting married and he says that "when we get married we're going to do it properly- church and hotel reception!"
I don't think he's scared of committing or that we're too young to be married due to the way he talks about marriage when it comes up in conversation.
I've spoken to him about it and said we don't have to do it all extravagantly. We could even go to vegas and do it! (Half joking)
He says we will get married when the time is right and to stop "badgering" him about it.
I'd just love to be his wife and it kind of hurts that he has no sign of proposing!

Just reiterating that whilst lots of people do have kids without being married, many women have also suffered very badly when a partnership ends and they don't have the protection that marriage brings.

We've been together since younger than you, and I wish we had married and had kids younger but I wouldn't be without the legal standing it brings. We're very very unlikely to split up but that's what everyone says until it happens - and it's not just splitting up that's the issue, though you would likely get maintenance, etc.., it's also worse case things like what happens to pensions, etc. if he got hit by a bus.

That said you're still relatively young - I think a serious lay it all on the table conversation needs to be had. And if marriage is that important to you (and it was to me, I get that), then you need to be prepared to leave if he won't countenance it.

He isn't ready. Just because you are, and you have a house, its not a prescription. You are so young, cut loose , have some fun.

If your need for kids overtakes this, say in 2 years, have another conversation.

And never automatically give the child the man's name, even after marriage, its 2017 FFS.

I think you need to start moving away from this relationship. Doing so is a win/win situation for you: either he lets you go because he's really not that bothered about marrying you, leaving you ready to start afresh without wasting more years on this man, or he realises what he's likely to lose and proposes to make you stay with him.

You are young, and I'd advise anybody to wait until their thirties and to sow some wild oats before settling down. However, if you think he's the one for you, you need to shake things up a bit. Who made him the arbiter of whether you and he get married? You've made your feelings plain and he has responded with some pretty crap answers.

Start doing stuff without him and even consider moving out and asking him to buy you out of the house because you can't hang around for him to decide whether he wants to be married to you. You've given him all the power at present. Take some of it back. If you start to detach from him, he either comes after you or he doesn't. Either way, you'll know where you stand, which isn't the case currently.

Don't waste years on a man who may never want to marry you. There will be people out there who will, although I wouldn't advise rushing into marriage.

When I met DH, he made some noises about living together but I made it plain that I wouldn't be living with anybody unless I was married to them. I was 36 and independent with my own house and my own life: I wasn't going to give that up without a proper commitment in the form of marriage. He proposed almost immediately. By contrast, one of my best friends is a serial 'liver with' and not one of her live in boyfriends has shown any inclination to get married, even though she would have liked to. They got complacent and adopted a 'why buy the cow' approach. Don't let that happen to you.

Whatever you do, and as others have advised, do not have a child with this man until you know whether he wants to marry you.

I agree with Msgameandwatch but I'd have a shorter time frame. Don't mention marriage for 6 months.

Then reassess your options. Sadly there are many men who say they are not ready when what they really mean is that you are not the person I want to marry but you'll do for now

Beyoncé had it right: if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.

Also contains these lines: "you had your turn, now you're going to learn what it really feels like to miss me".

Keep telling yourself that!

The people telling her to live a little before marriage have missed the boat - how will marriage stop them living more than owning a house and being in a 7 year relationship with someone you met at school will?

Live a little - sell the house, dump the boyfriend, pack in your job, travel the world, date other men, see what else is out there, have adventures! You're so young, you'll kick yourself when you're 40 and the mother of teens, bored with your life and marriage, if you rushed into all this without ever having been independent and self reliant and had some real adventures and lived it up in your 20s before setting down...

But if you're happy to be settled down and don't want to sell the house and dump the boyfriend and jack the job in, the two of you can live it up to the same limited extent as a couple whether or not you are married. Marriage doesn't limit whether you can take exciting holidays or go out clubbing or be ambitious in your career or take up rock climbing any more than being in a long term cohabiting property owning relationship does. It's having children that will limit your ability to "live a little" further, not marriage.

I didn't meet my DH til I was 25 and absolutely agree it's great now, in my 40s, to have had so many exciting adventures with years of foreign travel and living abroad and being totally independent and self reliant in my late teens and early 20s. However if I'd been in a relationship with someone who I met at 6th form I probably wouldn't have done most of that.

Being married doesn't stop you doing anything that being in a commited faithful long term relationship wouldn't! Having a mortgage makes jacking in the job to go and travel or live abroad or even elsewhere in the UK far harder than being married would, as presumably if they are not going to split they'll be "living a little" together!

he says that "when we get married we're going to do it properly- church and hotel reception!"

He says we will get married when the time is right.

I read this as a plan to get married, and on that basis I say you're engaged. I agree he doesn't feel ready to plan a wedding.

I'm the offspring of an unmarried couple who met at school, and had kids. They've been together 40 years. They did eventually get married for tax/property once we were grown up. Am just offering that as perspective that marriage is not essential to creating a family.

However, you do want to get married and right now he doesn't. So that's the issue. I'm in the camp that thinks 'too young!' And also, give yourself time to save :) I don't think it's a sign of lack of commitment, he probably just has a different timescale to you. Also I wonder if he's like you, thinks marriage then kids and that's what he's not ready for?

Why do you need a proposal? Just have a discussion about marriage.

When I met DH, he made some noises about living together but I made it plain that I wouldn't be living with anybody unless I was married to them. I was 36 and independent with my own house and my own life: I wasn't going to give that up without a proper commitment in the form of marriage. He proposed almost immediately. By contrast, one of my best friends is a serial 'liver with' and not one of her live in boyfriends has shown any inclination to get married, even though she would have liked to. They got complacent and adopted a 'why buy the cow' approach. Don't let that happen to you

Sadly I've seen this often a ridiculous amount. I also refused to live together. I informed him that I was happy on my own and the only man I'd possibly live with was a husband. And I meant it. He proposed within weeks. I then told him I was too old for an endless engagement and I'd only move in when the church was booked - even if it was booked for two years away. He booked it for 12 months time and I moved in the following week.

I wasn't playing games, I was just being frank. I'd seen too much confusion from my friends who were in limbo.

Why do you need a proposal? Just have a discussion about marriage.

He doesn't want to have a discussion about marriage!!!

I don't think I'm ready to give him an ultimatum yet. I am very very happy with him and the life we lead- I just feel like we could be happier.
I've longed to be a wife and mother for as long as I can remember. I know this sounds very 50's but a career has never been my main goal in life... Settling down has.
Fortunately, I've been very lucky career wise and have an excellent job (one of the main reasons I won't have children until we're married)
Part of me thinks that he is planning something but I'm not stupid, I know this is more than likely me hoping rather than it actually happening.
Marriage is really important to me but then so is he. I don't know if I'd give up our life just for the sake of marriage.
A few people have touched on the fertility side of thing.... He recently has had a bit of a scare with that- wont go into too much detail- hence his attitude towards TTC.
I know we're both young but him being younger than me (only by a year) is definitely playing a massive part in his delaying tactics.
I just can't help but feel like time is ticking away for me. Say we get engaged in a year (I'll be 26) then plan a wedding for a years time (27) then it takes a year of being married/ coming off the pill (28) by the time a baby would be born I'd be pushing 30. That means we'd be in some what of a rush if we wanted to have another one.

"Do you want to get married in April 2018 or in May?"
"Stop badgering me."
"Ok, I'll see the estate agent tomorrow about putting this house on the market."
"What?"
"I'm moving on..."

Currently you're his 'will do for now' girl. You provide sex and make a financial contribution. He doesn't respect you enough to marry you.

You are young. That won't last. Get out now and find a decent man.

Jeez you are in your mid 20s you should be out having fun not pestering your boyfriend to marry you.

Get bigger dreams!

I was at Uni for 4 years. Trust me, I've had more than my fair share of fun
I think you're all right though. I do need to drop talking about it for a while.

Your career is going well: you might want to reflect on your plans to SAH. That is a huge financial decision, for you and your partner.

Many couples combine work and parenting. Also, many men don't want to be the sole breadwinner and/or have limited time with DC. I would personally never want to be financially dependent (barring health or other exceptional reasons) and my DH would not want me to SAH either, and we share earning/parenting/domestics.

DH has always said that if I'd nagged less and put less pressure on him to propose he'd have done it long before he did! :D

That's a shitty attitude your H has there user.

My fiancé and I were having a whale of a time. Neither of us really wanted to get married.
He moved in with me after 3.5 years.
Then aged 63 I decided if anything should happen to either of us I didn't want to have to say , my fiancé wouldn't want this, that or the other. So we got married that year.
So 6 months later, I'm at the hospital asking which ward my husband's in.

But that's us and the time of life we are at and my dh was more than happy to tie the knot.

I first got married aged 23 . My exh was 20. He felt years later he was too young, conveniently forgetting he was the one who set the pace.

Don't do anything that will bite you in the bum years later. Enjoy your lives for now. If you decide you're not happy then it's time to have the talk. Not when are we going to get married but actin not happy and I'm ready to split up.

Don't do that in the hope he'll marry you. Follow through. Move out. Live independently. See what life is like without him in it.

And definitely have sex with more than one man

Sorry I know this isn't the point of the thread but please don't be a sahm if you have a good career etc. Have you considered part-time? You'll be really glad of keeping your foot in the door and having your own income if you two split up which could happen, you just never know. Also, he may not want to be the sole breadwinner.

That aside, I'd rather someone propose because they wanted to and felt it was the right time rather than because they felt pressured. Maybe he doesn't ever want to be married. Which is fine and his choice but it isn't what you want which is why you need honesty from him. You're so so young. I was at uni for 5 years but still don't think my "share of fun" is over! That attitude saddens me a little. I'm 26 and feel you should have fun at every age!

Oh my... some of the posts here are truly awful!!! It took my DH a while to propose - he had the ring for over 6 months before he did - and I know other unmarried couples who've been together a while who are still not engaged! Some men are just like that, not in a rush, or they want to get it right because guess what, it's important for them too, or they want to save the money to get a nice ring (even if you tell him you don't want something fancy)... there are so many reasons!
Put yourself in his shoes for a minute - why is what you have not enough for now? 24 is VERY young for a man to have the maturity to think about marriage. If you love each other it's that simple, enjoy, travel, build your careers... it will come in due course :) And in the meantime there's no harm in having a secret Pinterest board where you store lovely wedding inspirrations for when the time comes ;)

Oh come on, if you have your first child at thirty, you won't be pushing it to have another one

DP and I have been together 26 years. We have four kids, a business and two houses. He didn't want to get married. I did but it wasn't a dealbreaker; he's not commitment phobic, just big fuss of a wedding phobic.

Anyway, we are getting married next year, for tax reasons mainly, and he is suddenly very keen on it all, the kids and all our friends are really excited and it will be lovely, having a big party and celebrating what we have achieved together and everything.

What I'm trying to say, is that being married doesn't make much difference to your relationship, or indeed your life. It is not some sort of goal and it's okay if one of you doesn't want to do it.

Giving a 24 year old a marriage ultimatum is completely bonkers.