AIBU to think he's never going to propose?!

[PandaEyes25]

I've been with my Partner for 7 years.
We met at sixth form, went to separate Uni's, did our Masters together and moved back to our home town.
We now own a beautiful 3 bed detached home together (both have 50% share).
I am 25 and he is 24 so still quite young, I guess.
But now I feel like it's time we progressed our relationship further.
We have talked about getting married and he says that "when we get married we're going to do it properly- church and hotel reception!"
I don't think he's scared of committing or that we're too young to be married due to the way he talks about marriage when it comes up in conversation.
I've spoken to him about it and said we don't have to do it all extravagantly. We could even go to vegas and do it! (Half joking)
He says we will get married when the time is right and to stop "badgering" him about it.
I'd just love to be his wife and it kind of hurts that he has no sign of proposing!

I'd just sit him down and say to him "you say you're ready to try for a baby I'm 1-2 years, I won't even think about trying until we are married. So with that in mind should we send a date?"

You'll have your answer either way.

I know a lot of posters have said you're only young but I'd be wary of wasted another 10 or so years with someone who wants different things to you.

You're still very young. If it bothers you, just ask him. The worst he can say is no.

Don't let him or anyone else make your feel stupid about this. Marriage is a bigger commitment than just living together and gives you much more security. Please don't have children with him before marriage of you don't want to. Someone who doesn't want to get married before he has a family will most likely not see any point to it at all after he has the whole package of woman, house and baby (without the legal or formal commitment.)

I told DH even before we moved in together that I wasn't interested in just cohabiting without any long term plan. He respected that and we planned accordingly. That was not an ultimatum or a way to put pressure on him, it was just the truth. (I guess I was lucky in that he was already quite positive about marriage when we met, so I never had to persuade him. But we were older than you. We met at 27, moved in at 29, engaged at 30 and baby at 32.)

You are allowed to want things. And your are allowed to say what you want.

I don't want to sound patronising but you're both young. Look at restarting the conversation when you are 27. If there's no ring, then make your decision then. It has to be right for both of you, and it sounds like he's not quite there yet. Give him a chance and he'll come off good.

Stop dropping hints "a couple of times a month", which if you're entirely honest, is it more like weekly? What do you want? To ask when and him say now, give you a ring, and be done with it? If he has said he wants to get married, just not now, don't keep trying to push it.

Either propose to him, or leave it lie. Don't mention it every time it's on the TV. Don't drop hints. Don't sulk. Just leave it, be happy as you are, and see what happens.

Each to their own but I'm finding the notion of a proposal incredibly old fashioned.
You've discussed marriage, he isn't ready yet, you feel you can't have children until you are married- fine the discussion continues. You have time on your side you just make your position clear and make sure he knows exactly what your limits are.

You need to sit down and agree when to start ttc, which you have lots of time for.

Then say, OK we therefore need to set a date for the wedding before that. When shall we book?

You've bought a house together and talking about children, you are clearly committed to each other and therefore he needs to realise how important marriage is to you.

TBH, if the man I was dating mentioned a couple of times a month re getting married so he could have children and give up work I'd not in an any rush either.

He's 24, would you want your son tied down at that age supporting at least three people before he's had chance to live a little and progress in his career?

Another practical consideration is surnames, if you are married then easier to all have the same surname

Take him out to dinner, get him a ring and take his hand and ask him if he will marry you. You can google male engagement rings. When you get married he can wear it on his other hand.

You have essentially already proposed - twice a month! Your DP is perhaps wanting to surprise you, or perhaps doesn't want to marry you.

A joint mortgage is a bigger commitment than marriage IMO!

Don't have DC without being married, if you want marriage and to SAH.

If you do decide to go down the children before marriage route, don't automatically give any kids his last name without thinking carefully about it and getting life insurance so that if one of you is seriously injured and unable to work, the other and the child have some security. Oh and do not become a SAHM without thinking about it carefully either. Marriage might not be right for him, but that shouldn't stop him wanting to cover any potential downfalls of remaining unmarried.

Maybe he sees no point to getting married as it wouldn't really change anything and that's why he's not bothered. You live together and have bought a house together, so the only thing he would miss out on is having a baby with you. As he doesn't want children right now, I can see why he might not be rushing to ask you.

I keep meeting guys who don't want to get married either. They are quite happy to have everything else though (!) - so will live together, have babies together, buy a house together... They just don't feel the need to have a piece of paper apparently. I'm not sure how I feel about it myself, but if it is important to you and you are both at odds, then one of you is going to have to comprise.

To ask him to marry you, you could take him out for a nice meal, have a ring ready and ask him over dinner. It doesn't have to be all rose petal strewn and candle lit, but just a bit of effort and away from your normal environment might catch him in a different frame of mind and show him how seriously you feel about this.

The thing I wonder is does he really want a marriage or not (as in does he believe in the institution of marriage) and also is he on board for you being a SAHM in the future? Some people in relationships cannot find common ground on these big issues, which in turn can lead to a total stalemate situation.

Look at restarting the conversation when you are 27. If there's no ring, then make your decision then so they start talking at 27, he agrees and as he wants a traditional wedding they plan to marry at 28/29. That makes OP 29/30 before TTC. If it doesn't happen, she'll be at least 30/31 before they'll even consider looking into it. Perhaps they want a family earlier than that?
Or they start the conversation at 27, he dithers, split at 28. Rebound dating for a year. Meet someone decent at 30, date for a few years, marry at 33 and then start TTC ...

If a family is important to them, why put it off so long? Yes they're comparatively young but have been together longer than me and my husband with out toddler (admittedly we were 30 and 37 so needed to get a move on), have commited to a house etc.

*WarwickDavisAsPlates

I'd just sit him down and say to him "you say you're ready to try for a baby I'm 1-2 years, I won't even think about trying until we are married. So with that in mind should we send a date?"

You'll have your answer either way.*
This ^^^

I think it's sad when people say, "Just sit him down and tell him" or, "Well if you've mentioned it, you've already proposed! It's so depressing. It's not the same as buying a house or some other legal transaction. It's asking someone to spend the rest of their life with you. It's a big deal. If he wants to marry the OP then he should at least be able to ask her in a meaningful way.

Fwiw, I would have hated having to propose to DH. Well I wouldn't have done it tbh. He wouldn't have liked it either. The OP has a right to expect him to propose and there's nothing wrong with that.

OP he must have picked up on how you feel by the hints you've dropped and the fact you live together. It's not as if you're 30. Marriage hadn't even occurred to me at your age. I was 29 when DH proposed. It's something I will never forget and moments like that stay with you forever. Relax and he will get there in his own time.

I said that I would want to give up work to be a SAHM and that it would leave me vulnerable if we weren't married. He then seemed a bit insulted and said that he'd never leave me or the child in a bad position

Alarm bells.
I wouldn't personally give up my career and be a sahm if I wasn't married.

It's asking someone to spend the rest of their life with you. It's a big deal. If he wants to marry the OP then he should at least be able to ask her in a meaningful way.

Indeed. I really don't agree that you should just tell him you're already engaged and push him to set a date. Jesus, controlling much? I think most men would run for the hills in the face of such a heavy handed approach.

And regarding proposing to him... If OP was the kind of woman who felt comfortable with that, surely she would've done it already.

But if course you should give him some time to be ready. You are very young.

wait till 27 - that assumes all is well fertility-wise, which sadly isn't a given for everyone. Honestly, I'd discuss paying to have fertility investigations now to check as a compromise. In our situation we started TTC when I was 27, to discover we had unexplained infertility. We were married very young, but all those years not TTC felt wasted.

I've just realised, you say you did a master's? That's what, two years? So he's 24. Graduated from university aged 21. Masters aged 23. He's been working for one year. He's bought a house. He is still only early in his career, and is still only early-mid twenties.

Live a bit. Not everything had to be a rush. Honestly, the friends of mine happiest are those that lived, travelled, earnt, before having kids. Especially where one wanted to be a sahm for a while. They saved so she could. Fresh out of masters all your DP has is bloody great debt round his neck! Maybe he doesn't want children or marriage yet?

What I would definitely not do in this scenario is get pregnant without marriage. You say that being married before having a child is important to you, which is a perfectly reasonable and sensible position to take even though he's correct that lots of people have kids outside marriage and lots of them are happy enough with the situation. So with that in mind, make sure you don't have a child outside marriage. You've said you won't, stick to that. Too many women on here who wanted marriage before children have ended up sleepwalking into kids first, with no wedding in sight.

I'd also be interested to hear what you mean when you say your information about the legal implications fell on deaf ears. Did he not let you tell him about them, not believe you or just not care?

He says he wants to TTC in 1-2 years though bubble. And the sort of wedding he says he wants typically takes a while to organise. There's nothing wrong with waiting awhile, but equally there's also nothing wrong with having your first child around 27, which is around where this timetable would probably leave them. In any case, if he does want to live a bit first, which is fine, he should be clear to OP about that rather than saying let's TTC in 1-2 years.

Hmm I would be wary if I was you OP. My ex was a bit like this.

We were together from the age of 18 and I'd always said I wanted to be engaged by the time I was 25. That came and went and every time I mentioned it (not often) he fobbed me off with similar excuses and vague promises - not yet, just be patient, don't put pressure on me etc. If I ever tried to have a frank conversation about it and find out if he even did want to get married then he'd do the same thing, be really cagey and refuse to discuss it properly.

In the end I broke up with him - not for this reason specifically but it was just one example of how he didn't really treat me with respect or consideration - despite knowing how important it was for me.

He sounds like my dp, note I say dp not dh.

We own a house between us, we also have a baby. He also talked about the big wedding and 'one day' 5 years one house one baby and his child moving in with us were still not married and I haven't a hope in hell that we ever will be to be honest.

I don't want to be harsh but this is how I feel about my own situation. If he hasn't done it by now I don't think he'll do it.

Unless you're absolutely fine with NEVER getting married, then do not have a child with this guy. I did have a baby (thinking we'd get married) who has his surname and now I will never have the same surname as my baby. He has ,e exactly where he wants me, really. He's got the wife essentially just without the legal bit.

On the subject of surnames, you can change your name without being married and you can keep your name if you do marry. Not saying you should do either of these things, but there are lots of options.

A salient reminder though that if you do have a child without marriage and you want to be married, utilising your legal right to unilaterally decide your child's surname is sensible.

Phoenix