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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think he's never going to propose?!

136 replies

PandaEyes25 · 11/05/2017 17:00

I've been with my Partner for 7 years.
We met at sixth form, went to separate Uni's, did our Masters together and moved back to our home town.
We now own a beautiful 3 bed detached home together (both have 50% share).
I am 25 and he is 24 so still quite young, I guess.
But now I feel like it's time we progressed our relationship further.
We have talked about getting married and he says that "when we get married we're going to do it properly- church and hotel reception!"
I don't think he's scared of committing or that we're too young to be married due to the way he talks about marriage when it comes up in conversation.
I've spoken to him about it and said we don't have to do it all extravagantly. We could even go to vegas and do it! (Half joking)
He says we will get married when the time is right and to stop "badgering" him about it.
I'd just love to be his wife and it kind of hurts that he has no sign of proposing!

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 11/05/2017 19:46

Congratulations! You're already engaged. Isn't a "proposal" a bit unnecessary given the discussions you've had?

I think you're sensible to insist on marriage before children. Other way around is risky for you and having children reduces your available time and money, both of which are useful for weddings.

phoenixtherabbit · 11/05/2017 19:48

ohfourfoxache don't be sad for me! I was sad for me but you know what, fuck it.

I love him, I love our family but i suppose him not wanting to marry me (which he won't admit just won't talk about it) has just given me a kick up the arse to start doing things for myself. Losing weight (for me not him!) moving up career wise.

I was really upset, I suppose I'm still angry but I'm focusing on myself instead of wondering what must be wrong with me as I'm not good enough to marry.

2014newme · 11/05/2017 19:53

You are 24. Don't rush it.

Itsnotmesothere · 11/05/2017 19:53

Phoenix You could change your name by deedpoll if it bothers you that you don't have the same surname as your DS.

Jazzywazzydodah · 11/05/2017 20:00

What ever you do dont have kids until your married.

You might get married in the future - you might not, but if you throw kids in the mix so many choices are taken away from you.

I think having a baby when your thirty is ideal. After that you have five years before it can start getting tricky.

Your financially tied to him for the time being so if he isn't mature enough for a frank talk about getting married I'd leave it for a while maybe another year and raise it again.

It's really tricky as why should he be in any rush to marry you when your already playing wifey?

phoenixtherabbit · 11/05/2017 20:01

I could but I don't want to be 'Ms dps surname' and I don't want to answer all the 'why have you changed your name if you're not married' questions!

MissShittyBennet · 11/05/2017 20:03

You can call yourself Miss, Ms or Mrs regardless of your marital status. Legally you're no more a Mrs when you're married than you are now. And no more a Ms either. I'm married and still a Ms!

phoenixtherabbit · 11/05/2017 20:07

Oh I no I can I'd just feel weird being a Mrs when I'm not one but also miss feels very... young? I don't know! I'll just have to get over the name thing I think.

KnittedBlanketHoles · 11/05/2017 20:14

I stopped menstruating well before 30. Yes, I'm not the norm but if marriage and children are important to you, as a woman, you don't have the same luxury of time as he does.

I'm resigned to being single the rest of my life now and have completely reassessed how unlucky I was to get pregnant at 16.

My best friend waited until he was 40 to settle down with a woman and they're now having a hell of a time trying to conceive.

So, you have time but not all the time in the world. Does he want the same as you, long-term?

MissShittyBennet · 11/05/2017 20:18

I get that phoenix, I've been married ages and I'd feel weird being a Mrs full stop!

RoboticSealpup · 11/05/2017 20:28

Congratulations! You're already engaged. Isn't a "proposal" a bit unnecessary given the discussions you've had?

You mean the ones where he tells her to stop bringing it up because he isn't ready yet???

2014newme · 11/05/2017 20:29

She isn't engaged.

ohfourfoxache · 11/05/2017 20:32

It was the "he's got me where he wants me" comment that sounded sad. But tbh your "fuck it" comment made me laugh, and doing things for yourself is so positive.

Married, not married, it doesn't matter- that attitude is a damned good example to set for your dc Thanks

phoenixtherabbit · 11/05/2017 20:36

He has in a way because he's got everything a "wife" would give him without marrying me but in the same breath I've got everything a husband would be too I suppose.

I do feel loads better for doing things for myself. And now I think If he ever asks I'll probably say no anyway! I feel more independent for not waiting on him to ask.

ADayGivingMeHope · 11/05/2017 20:42

A friend of mine was in a very very similar situation, turned out that he was planning a big (and I mean huge!) proposal and she almost spoiled it!

Your young still, give it some time, he has said he wants to get married so maybe just let him plan it when he's ready?

2017SoFarSoGood · 11/05/2017 20:45

Congratulations on being so settled as a couple already. However, you are both really young, in the scheme of things. Sounds like he is Just not ready today, so let it be for now, until such times as you decide you are no longer willing to let him choose. Then you decide.

Totally see where you are coming from, but I do think bugging him about it is not helping. I agree with posters suggesting letting up for a period of time to see what happens.

I agree that you should not compromise your desire to be married before you have kids. If he sees otherwise, that may help you decide next steps.

Best of luck whatever way this goes Flowers

phoenixtherabbit · 11/05/2017 20:46

But what if ops dp doesn't actually want to get married and is just saying that so she doesn't bugger off?

She'll be waiting the rest of her life for a proposal that isn't going to happen!

Ariawyn · 11/05/2017 20:53

OP - don't propose to him. You sound like you want him to do it and if you jump the gun you may regret it long-term. He may also regret never having had the chance to do it "properly".

What a load of bullocks, it's daft to regret the way a proposal was done, it's not the 1950s

OP is an adult and is quite capable of proposing even though she's the 'girl'

He doesn't want to get married now though and would you be happy having 'forced' him to marry you. You should do what you want to do, and if you want to wait until you are the wait, if you don't want to wait then don't

Make your own decisions

Pop24 · 11/05/2017 21:13

From what you've said it wouldn't surprise me if he's planning something already. Owning a property is a massive commitment to each other so he's clearly not afraid of committing. My husband would probably have never proposed without a prompt and that was, the same as you, 'I want to try for children by the time I'm .....I want to be married by then'. If he's already suggested he wants children and he's on the same time frame as you do you need to worry so much? If he knows it's important to you to be married before kids I think he will come through. If my man can ANY man can. But he wanted to do it in his own way in his own time which is fair enough as its a massive thing for men I think. The story of 'the proposal' will probably be told many times and I think even the most unromantic of blokes (mine falls into that category) want to feel they did good. I wouldn't loose sleep over it if you are happy together. If 2 years down the line there's still no proposal maybe you need to re-think but I doubt that will be the case!

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/05/2017 21:18

I think you both sound very young. I got married to some I'd dated for years when I was 25. Enormous mistake. We hadn't grown up and grew up in different directions.

I certainly wouldn't have a baby with someone who wouldn't marry. He is being really manipulative to imply that you don't trust him. No one is 100% reliable.

cluelessnewmum · 11/05/2017 21:35

Don't let him steal your youth - don't waste time with someone who will just string you along and not care about your happiness.

Yes 24 is young but I think he should at least propose even if the marriage isn't for a couple of years, then if he wants a bigger wedding you can both actually start saving for it to show you're serious.

He needs an ultimatum, a timescale of how long you're prepared to wait, I think he needs to know he's making you unhappy by not proposing. If he loves you he'll not want to be a source of unhappiness.

I wasted 7 years in my early 20s with a bloke who was never going to propose or be a decent husband, thankfully I realised and that meant I ended up with my dh.

Voice0fReason · 11/05/2017 22:34

A joint mortgage is a bigger commitment than marriage IMO!
No it really isn't. Getting out of a joint mortgage is relatively easy and cheap - you just sell the house.
Getting divorced is difficult and expensive, even without children or a house.

Dozer · 11/05/2017 23:27

Thought divorce with no property/assets/DC was simpler/quicker than dealing with shared property?

myusernameisnotmyusername · 11/05/2017 23:31

Not read the whole thread but if it helps me and dp met when we were 21 and 18 respectively. It took us a year to move in together and 9 years for him to propose! I think the more I went on about it the longer it took because he felt forced to do it and wanted me not to mention it so it would be a surprise. Also we have now been engaged a further six years and still not married and have a four year old!

Osirus · 11/05/2017 23:56

Having a joint mortgage is NOT more of a commitment than getting married. You're forming a legal relationship with the bank, not each other. Having a joint mortgage also won't provide any of the benefits of being married. It's also much easier to walk away. You just sell the property.