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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Junior rugby tour - am I prudish and uptight?

105 replies

reallyneedmoresleep · 10/05/2017 09:39

I've just spent last weekend on rugby tour with DS (almost 13). I was one of only 4 mums there - most kids were with their dads or a "nominated adult ".
I know laddish behaviour is to be expected on rugby tour but most of the dads were seriously hammered from before we even got on the coach in our home town - and the kids were all helping themselves to beer and cider too. The dads thought it was all highly amusing but these kids were 12,13 and 14.
DS didn't want to drink anything and ended up not being part of the boys' social group all weekend . This was ok but on the last day it escalated to him being thrown to the ground several times and then when he started crying the other boys nicked his shoes and tied them out of reach, only giving them back when I intervened. The coaches did nothing -- just carried on drinking their beer.
So, AIBU to think that this is all a bit much? Or am I being overprotective and uptight? What would you have done in my situation?

OP posts:
VeryPunny · 10/05/2017 09:44

Club should have a safeguarding officer. They would be my first port of call, but YANBU. It sounds horrific, and to be honest I'm not sure I'd want my son going back to that kind of atmosphere.

SashaSashays · 10/05/2017 09:47

What did the other mums do? Were they the same as the other dads?

paap1975 · 10/05/2017 09:47

My DP coaches rugby (older kids/young adults). They are of legal drinking age, but not all of them drink. They do not exclude the non-drinkers and DP wouldn't tolerate that kind of bullying. I think you need to find your son a different club (and check the coaches' qualifications - i.e. are they actually qualified or just parents helping out?)

Musicaltheatremum · 10/05/2017 10:02

Can you imagine if this were a school trip. This is appalling behaviour of the adults and I would be discussing with the safeguarding lead about it.

Original poster
reallyneedmoresleep · 10/05/2017 10:03

The coaches are unpaid volunteers (parents) who have done various training through the club.
The head coach has emailed me after I told him DS was really upset and I thought it had gone beyond banter and into bullying. He said it was just lads joking about.
DS wants to move to a different club next season - would it really be any different elsewhere?

OP posts:
froomeonthebroom · 10/05/2017 10:07

A couple of friends and their sons have just been on rugby tours with that age group, and I know that there is NO WAY that kind of behaviour would have been tolerated. I am shocked tbh.

froomeonthebroom · 10/05/2017 10:08

Should probably clarify; the parents/coaches took it in turns to have a night off so they could have a few drinks. There would have been no drinking amongst the children at all.

paap1975 · 10/05/2017 10:09

The coaches are clearly not teaching rugby's core values. I would move him to a more reputable club

NavyandWhite · 10/05/2017 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissBax · 10/05/2017 10:14

Report it!!!! That's shocking behaviour!!!

juneau · 10/05/2017 10:15

That's appalling OP and no, you aren't overreacting.

We went on a junior rugby tour the weekend before last - all the kids were under 13 (ours is 9), and there was a zero tolerance policy for any DC drinking alcohol by the tour operators (MiTour). The adults did drink, though not to excess, and the DC did not - at all.

I would move to another club, but preferably one where you know something of the culture. Does he have any friends at other clubs? We joined a club that several of DS1's friends were already at.

Badbadtromance · 10/05/2017 10:17

This is why I dread DS going on rugby tour. Our last one was worse and same age kids

isthismylifenow · 10/05/2017 10:21

No you are definitely not overreacting at all.

At age 17 our ds's went on tour, some parents went along as it was quite a trip away and made a weekend of it..... I didn't even see this type of behaviour from a group of 17 year olds, never mind 13!!

So they were ok with children drinking alcohol and then expecting them to play match the next day?

I would find another club. What values are the instilling into the boys by encouraging this? Not right at all.

Somerville · 10/05/2017 10:21

Is this union or league?

I only know about union. My DS is rugby-mad and a similar age and I've encountered nothing like this at all. A few of the coaches annoy me as they're rather boorish, but others are excellent. Bullying isn't tolerated - a promising player was kicked out of the club for bullying, even. And they are fed too much cheap meat (to help them grow bigger Hmm) but alcohol is totally discouraged even amongst the older kids who would be legal.

I would be reporting the under age drinking to the governing body for his club.

1bighappyfamily · 10/05/2017 10:22

Report it. That does NOT happen at our local club.

Chewbecca · 10/05/2017 10:28

I also have a (yr 8) 13 year old son & am equally horrified at the behaviour, you are not overreacting or prudish.

BluePeppers · 10/05/2017 10:29

I would have a chat wth your ds and ask him if he wants to be part or associated with people like this. Have a chat with him about what has happened, whether it was right or not, wat constitue bullying and what is just lads having a laugh. As much as possible don t let your POV come out too much but guide him with questions and make him assess the situation himself.
I suspect that if he didn't want to drink despite all the eotherw doing so he won't be that keen with the behaviour either.

I would also contact the safeguarding officer and ask what are the guidelines re under age drinking and excluding someone who isn't drinking.

BluePeppers · 10/05/2017 10:31

Tbh apart from kicking a major fuss with that club, I would be looking at another club for your ds.

I would be better if that decision was coming from him though.

cowgirlsareforever · 10/05/2017 10:33

Is this union or league?
Fgs.

samG76 · 10/05/2017 10:34

Will definitely be Union. Because Rugby Union players are generally posh, they get away with all sorts of things that ordinary members of the public (and footballers in particular) never would. Not that that excuses what went on, but there is a culture of impunity that may have filtered down....

ArgyMargy · 10/05/2017 10:34

Teasing and pranking to be expected within limits. Alcohol at that age unacceptable and probably illegal. I would be tempted to shame the club over social media and contact local paper.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/05/2017 10:36

Been involved with many rugby tours over the years. Never known one like this.

Move clubs.

Pigflewpast · 10/05/2017 10:37

I've done safeguarding training for a different sport as a parent helper. NO ONE should be drinking alcohol on this trip, the adults shouldn't be when they are in charge of children, let alone the children.
Talk to the safe guarding officer to make them aware, if they aren't already, but if the senior coach thinks it's acceptable I'd be out of there ASAP. This is not normal or acceptable and I'd be very surprised if you found it at any other club.
I would also report it to the GB rugby governing body.

NoLoveofMine · 10/05/2017 10:39

I know laddish behaviour is to be expected on rugby tour

Even this shouldn't be the case. What exactly is "laddish behaviour"? Usually it's a term used to excuse or make light of general sexism.

The tour sounds horrific and I'd be stunned if there's nothing you can do about it. Those who not only drank themselves but let 12/13 year olds "help themselves" to alcohol aren't fit to be in charge of children, let alone for a prolonged period of time on a tour.

NoLoveofMine · 10/05/2017 10:42

DS wants to move to a different club next season - would it really be any different elsewhere?

I'd think so. One of my brothers plays rugby both for his school and a local club and I've never heard of anything like this. The club's first team is at the 2nd tier of men's rugby and they also run teams and tours for women and girls' teams. This kind of nonsense would never be accepted (nor "laddish" behaviour if that meant sexist).

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