Childcare issues, I'm quite upset by this, but think I may be in need of a grip?

[ChildcareWoe]

Long story short, I've recently gone back to work and have employed a family member (A) as a nanny/mother's help.

It's come to light recently, that on occasion, A's mother basically hijacks A's time with my DD (that I am paying for) and they all go on a family day out with me being none the wiser.

When I twigged what was going on, I asked A directly and there was a really awkward silence until she 'admitted' what was going on. She is a kind and sweet-natured young woman and I hate that she had been put in this position

As you've probably guessed there is back story between me and A's mother, she is quite a strong, dominant character and treats me (and if I'm honest, A too) as though she were in some way in charge of us. She adopts a dismissive and high handed attitude with me which makes our relationship quite difficult if I 'step out of line'.

I think she is making her arrangements to see my DD (whom in fairness she adores) through A rather than me, as to ask my permission directly would requite some humility on her part, recognising my status as DD mother, and that just doesn't fit with the dynamic between the two of us.

I'm quite upset by this and think she should make her arrangements to see DD via me, not through A, but I am not sure how reasonable I am being by getting all worked up about this...

The thing is, if she ever did ask my permission, I would gladly give it and I'm sure they would have a lovely time, so the end result would be the same. I have no issues at all with the standard of care given by either A or her mother and, most importantly, DD has a whale of a time. It's just me with the issue

So what should I do? Apart from this, the whole childcare arrangement is working out so well for everyone else, I wonder if I shouldn't just suck it up for the benefit of DD? It is essentially DD having a day out with family members who love her, so what's the harm?

I'm so cross that I've been put in this position though, all it would have taken was a quick call or text to run the plans past me, but instead I feel like arrangements for my DD have been taken out of my hands.

So, do I get over myself, or say something and risk spoiling both the relationship between DD and this side of my family, and also potentially my childcare arrangements?

I think A needs to ensure your child goes to toddler groups etc, and needs to say to her Mum that she can't come along on those occasions. We had loads of classes etc we used to go to, even before my dd was a year, and she still has those friends. You're paying A to do this for you. As long as there's a balance with the A Mum visits, I wouldn't worry over much.

I totally understand why you are miffed. My SIL would visit our house while DH and I were at work and DD was being looked after by MIL (who is lovely and felt very awkward) as she wanted to see our DD. Would leave before I got home. Always. I just let it go for the sake of DH & DD but it did annoy me and I thought it was rude to visit when we weren't there. As your DD is happy I'd be tempted to let it go.

You are feeling upset- in the middle of this is ur DD- and it sounds like to me, that she is having a lovely time with both of her relatives, who care about her. I get what you are saying about feeling it's sneaky, but you clearly also want time with A's mother. Your child is the most important in this and the arrangement is working really well. Speak A's mum- say "you should have said to wanted to DD.. I know how much you adore her.. it's been ages since I have seen you..hey about we all go to xxx?" family can be a nightmare at times can't they!

YANBU
It's right that you know who your child is spending time with, esp when it's close family members - it's beyond weird that you'd not know til afterwards.
It's the fact that they've hidden it that's made it weird & you're rightly ruffled.
It shows bad character in A & her mother & if they're going to be a big part of your daughters life you don't need that being modelled.
Close friends & family have had situations like this that start off weird & brushed under the carpet but over time have got weirder & pushed boundaries more, by which time the child is well n truly attached, older & it's more difficult to extricate yourself from these arrangements. And the weirdness has insidiously permeated large chunks of your life.
I sound a bit melodramatic I know, but I'd be tempted to put a stop to it sooner than later.
Is this a long term arrangement or will it stop when your child goes to nursery for instance?
Sometimes it's best not to mix friends/family & money...

I think the clue is in A's response to your query about this. She knew perfectly well that you would not be happy with this. This is sneaky and underhand behaviour! At what point are you supposed to be able to protest or are you supposed to just accept anything A's mother chooses to do?? If your child is young enough for childcare then you are entitled to know where they are and with whom! What if something happened to your child when they were out!!

Actually the responsibility lies with A to tell you who she's seeing and what she's up to while DD is in her care. A should keep you updated but instead chose not to because she didn't want to rock the boat. Ask A to be more open/honest and explain that you don't mind her seeing mother.

I don't see the issue here, A isn't delegating her responsibility to her mother, she is taking your daughter out for the day and her mother is joining them.

We have a nanny and she occasionally meets with her mum on days out. Sometimes it's for safety (swimming, we have three children) other times it's just a day out but it's always things the children enjoy and the emphasis is on them. She doesn't ask permission the same as she doesn't ask permission for any of the various activities she does with the children, it's part of her job as a nanny . The trips also are not a secret. There is always a full schedule and the children have a fantastic time, no complaints.

Basically you are an employer and your employee is having an away day with her Mum without your permission albeit taking your child with them. Definitely a bit of a presumption on employee part, should have checked with you. Perhaps a word as to concern of not knowing where child was and that you should be consulted about who child associates with. As you would agree anyway, add this in but emphasise it is your choice not your employee's.

As a parent I think you need to know where your dd is (in fact its your legal responsibility to "leave" your dd with someone who is safe) and that she is safe so yanbu wanting to know this. If you want dd to have a relationship with you mil / pgm* but you need people to be upfront with you about where she is and who she's with. If you're that bothered maybe get a 'proper' childminder or tell her the above.

Ps is it legal to pay a relative to look after your dd anyway I didn't think it was.... not criticising just commenting!

What law would that be then?

I think angelface is talking about the rules around childminding - I think it's just that you can't claim any help via childcare vouchers etc to pay a relative for childcare unless they are a registered child minder minding your child in their (not your) home.

This sounds like a set of relationships that is causing emotional drama.

You and A's Mum do not get along but on some level you feel she should have a relationship with you.

You have given her young daughter a job, in your house, closely connected with you and your daughter. You pay her, control the hours she works and spend large portions of the day in the same house having quite a lot of contact with her.

A's Mum is spending time with her daughter, arranging days out with her and your daughter, thus building a relationship with your daughter and possibly undermining her own daughter.

It sounds like you both have some sort of strong feelings that family relationships are important while being completely unable to form a relationship with each other.

This may seem over dramatic but both of your daughters are caught up in this and will be suffering the consequences by forcing them to pretend that these relationships are healthy and normal. Set them free..... don't force them to lie / cover up / pretend or choose between you both. Either fix the relationship between you and A's Mum or gently allow yourself to have a normal relationship with A but help her to find an independant job where she is not caught between you and her mum.

A's mother, she is quite a strong, dominant character and treats me (and if I'm honest, A too) as though she were in some way in charge of us. She adopts a dismissive and high handed attitude with me which makes our relationship quite difficult if I 'step out of line'

You really think it's a good thing this woman is not only spending 'unsupervised' time with your dd?
She's probably treating your dd the same as she does you.

She is using her personal relationship with her dd to interfere in your childcare
she's probably not giving her own daughter a choice in the matter and is dictating to her

you need to stand up to her, op, and show your employee how to stand up to overbearing mothers.
how is your employee ever going to learn how to do the job properly if she's always got her mum taking charge of what happens?