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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare issues, I'm quite upset by this, but think I may be in need of a grip?

139 replies

ChildcareWoe · 09/05/2017 13:53

Long story short, I've recently gone back to work and have employed a family member (A) as a nanny/mother's help.

It's come to light recently, that on occasion, A's mother basically hijacks A's time with my DD (that I am paying for) and they all go on a family day out with me being none the wiser.

When I twigged what was going on, I asked A directly and there was a really awkward silence until she 'admitted' what was going on. She is a kind and sweet-natured young woman and I hate that she had been put in this position

As you've probably guessed there is back story between me and A's mother, she is quite a strong, dominant character and treats me (and if I'm honest, A too) as though she were in some way in charge of us. She adopts a dismissive and high handed attitude with me which makes our relationship quite difficult if I 'step out of line'.

I think she is making her arrangements to see my DD (whom in fairness she adores) through A rather than me, as to ask my permission directly would requite some humility on her part, recognising my status as DD mother, and that just doesn't fit with the dynamic between the two of us.

I'm quite upset by this and think she should make her arrangements to see DD via me, not through A, but I am not sure how reasonable I am being by getting all worked up about this...

The thing is, if she ever did ask my permission, I would gladly give it and I'm sure they would have a lovely time, so the end result would be the same. I have no issues at all with the standard of care given by either A or her mother and, most importantly, DD has a whale of a time. It's just me with the issue Hmm

So what should I do? Apart from this, the whole childcare arrangement is working out so well for everyone else, I wonder if I shouldn't just suck it up for the benefit of DD? It is essentially DD having a day out with family members who love her, so what's the harm?

I'm so cross that I've been put in this position though, all it would have taken was a quick call or text to run the plans past me, but instead I feel like arrangements for my DD have been taken out of my hands.

So, do I get over myself, or say something and risk spoiling both the relationship between DD and this side of my family, and also potentially my childcare arrangements?

OP posts:
tweezers · 09/05/2017 15:25

On the surface DD enjoys the outings and that's good. But A is your employee. Trusted by you. She should be honest with you and she should get your permission. I'd speak to her about it. While it may be harmless and even beneficial for them to take DD out, being dishonest about it, and letting you find out by accident is not on.
You are entitled to know where your daughter is and not be left to assume she's at home when she's not. That would worry me. You need to be able to trust that A is being honest with you when she's in charge of your child. If you can't do that, then she shouldn't be. A's mother's behaviour sounds a bit rum.

shyturnip · 09/05/2017 15:26

Hmm. It sounds as though this arrangement is good for you as you are paying well below what you'd have to for a professional nanny.

"A" sounds as though she is being exploited by both you and her mother. Not in a nasty way but she is caught between two women more powerful than herself which is not a very healthy position to be in.

How old is A and how much are you paying her?

Huldra · 09/05/2017 15:27

Clandestino

I think you may be having a different idea about the development checklists Grin

Potential Situation One
A has the child, not to sure what to do, drops in to her mother who then decides what should be done, how and when.
The young A when interviewing for next job has nothing to say. Urrr wellll I used to visit my mum who took over.

Potential Situation Two
The OP has made a suggestion playing ball / threading beads / painting that afternoon. OP can casually throw it into the conversation about developing motor control etc

This has several outcomes

A can get more confidence, she has an activity to do, she can build on it, she can start to come up with her own ideas.

In her next interview she will have built up some things to talk about, even if it's nothing to do with childcare. This is how I communicated, this is how I dealt with a problem, this is what I did and why, this is how I tried to improve....

The mother issue is weakened

WannaBe · 09/05/2017 15:33

I agree with NavyandWhite that this is all about control on your part. Also your last post where you feel you should be suggesting what A does with your DD makes you sound incredibly controlling. If you employed a proper nanny/childminder and paid proper rates you wouldn't have this level of control, now it appears you are instead exploiting a family member by paying her below the general average and so you can have a say in what happens with your DD at all times.

Just how above board is this arrangement really? Are you employing her properly? As PAYE? Paying proper tax/national insurance? Is she registered as a nanny with proper insurance etc?

I'll be honest and say that whenever someone says that all their extended family are difficult/that they've had problems with them etc, my first thought is who is really the difficult one.... ?

If you want control over where your DD is at all times then you need to put her into a nursery (a childminder will not suffice as childminders do go out etc) and pay proper rates instead of exploiting an inexperienced family member.

TrinityTaylor · 09/05/2017 15:36

is A your stepmum and you have employed your younger stepsister?

TrinityTaylor · 09/05/2017 15:36

and yes start a diary, get A to fill it in each day

Dishwashersaurous · 09/05/2017 15:37

Agree that if you employ a nanny then you wouldn't expect to dictate every day. However, you would expect daily and weekly framework and once the child is three how that fits within the early years framework.

Louiselouie0890 · 09/05/2017 15:41

My opinion is you ask A to babysit so it's A decision and responsibility to let you know what's happening not this mum.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 09/05/2017 15:44

The issue is that this is being done during employed time. I wouldn't just take a day out with my mum during my paid day.
I think you should let it go as one of those things because your DD gets enjoyment out of it, however, I would say something along the lines of "I'm ok with this, just wished you had run it past me so I didn't have to find out from a 3rd party" which is what I think you're probably annoyed about as you have said that you would allow the relationship between A's mum and DD anyway

Original poster
ChildcareWoe · 09/05/2017 15:47

Some really helpful suggestions here, thanks!

I think a contact book may be taking things too far, but I do think I have allowed this situation to occur by not providing adequate leadership.

I'm going to go with the plan of suggesting activities and providing some sort of resource to help A plan some developmental activities for when they are both at home. Hopefully empowering A will mean she needs to rely on her mother less.

Whilst I am a bit upset with A's mother, I do have to take some responsibility for the whole situation, so I will let it lie with her. I would like to say something, but I need to accept that this issue is mine and not make everybody else involved suffer as a result. I will suggest we do more together, perhaps that will provide the best long term outcome for us all (esp DD).

OP posts:
FlyingElbows · 09/05/2017 15:51

I can understand your feelings and agree with you to an extent. However, you are expecting a young woman with no child care experience or qualification to provide formal setting levels of care. That's unreasonable and it's no surprise she's asking her mum for help. If you want the control of formal care then I'm afraid you need to pay a qualified and registered child care provider for it. "Exploitation" is perhaps a strong word but it's not far from the truth.

OddBoots · 09/05/2017 15:52

I agree with the suggestion of a contact diary in which she can give a brief outline of the day so where they have been and what food, naps and nappies. Just a few lines but enough to give you a picture of the day.

I might be getting the wrong impression of A and her caipability but the biggest concern I have is if she would be able to cope in an emergency.

QueenofEsgaroth · 09/05/2017 15:56

Someone in charge of your child should not need "adequate leadership" to do their job. Preschoolers (or baby - you don't say what age) need daily adventures and a strong character to get the job done whilst keeping them safe, fed and happy.

Something is very hinky with the situation you are describing.

I think YANBU and you need new (professional) childcare. YABU about treating A like a child not an employee which is effectively what seems to be happening.

anothermalteserplease · 09/05/2017 16:05

I don't think YABU to expect honestly with regard what your DD has been doing all day. I do however think this is an arrangement that is going to cause many problems. If A doesn't feel confident nor is she competent at childcare then she's probably not the best person to be looking after your DD for full days.

BluePeppers · 09/05/2017 16:29

My answer to this dilemma would be to say to A that it is very important for you to know where your dd is as well as with who she is. I would make it a very general issue (e.g. If A decides to go and see a friend or to go to a toddler group and is making 'friends' there etc...). That includes family members too.
Make it a question if 'what if dd suddenly is ill or there is an accident. I want to know where she is'. For the same reason younwould expect a teenage dd to let you where she is gong and with who. (Will make more sense to A if she is quiTe young)

I would tell A mother that it is lovely she wants to see dd and that clearly dd has a great time. But that you also have asked A to let you know where she is going out with dd as well as with who.
I would tell her that if she wants to see your dd she is also very welcome to ring to come and see her when you're at work (put the ball in her camp).

The issue I have is the secrecy. There was no need either for A or for A mother to make it a secret. Which means there must have been pressure from A mother to do so.
The question is WHY if you have made it clear to her that you have no issue with her seeing dd????

BluePeppers · 09/05/2017 16:31

OP why is the issue with A mother yours only???

From your description, this person isn't very nice and there are some 'relationship' issue there that come from a long time ago.
I'm not sure why you think it's all your fault and none from A mother.

NavyandWhite · 09/05/2017 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jaxhog · 09/05/2017 16:36

I get your dilemma. DD has a good time, but you don't necessarily know where she is or that she isn't at home. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask A to let you know if she's taking your DD out for the day - with her DM or not. If she's keeping it secret, then you have to wonder what else she isn't telling you.

averythinline · 09/05/2017 16:41

How old is your DD? I think that would determine my actions really...if you have a long time before other childcare options are affordable -
then I would do some work, spend some time on expectations with A as
I do think A' is being out of order a bit - so being a bit more explicit about what you actually want her to do with DD as you would an au pair for example - like an employee as she is an employee in this regard......maybe she would like to investigate some training if she fancies moving into that work in the future

I wouldn't like repetition of the days out all the time with As mum too yes in the summer when I was a childminder we often met up and did picnics/spent time in the park together it wasn't days out

If however you will be able to use free/cheap funding for DD to have regular childcare with childminder/nursery then I would investigate that and maybe just use A to top and tail when needed if she wanted that
In our area these get booked up way in advance so you may want to think ahead

WannaBe · 09/05/2017 16:54

And you're not answering the question OP. How much are you paying A? Are you paying minimum wage? Tax? NI?

A is being exploited here and not just by her mother by the sounds. In fact it sounds as if you're exploiting at worst a teenager who isn't actually that capable and as such is relying on her mum to help her because presumably she needs the money.

NavyandWhite · 09/05/2017 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InDubiousBattle · 09/05/2017 17:23

I don't think the op has actually said that A is a teenager, just that she is young?

Starlight2345 · 09/05/2017 18:21

How old is your DD? considering you have flexibility and assuming you are paying at least minimum wage , I cannot understand why you are employing A.

She doesn't even agree to work when you request. She seems to have no childcare skills and yes as parents we learn on the job but I would be concerned someone who doesn't seem to know what to do how would they risk assess, know what is and isn't appropriate.

I am finding the whole thing odd.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 09/05/2017 18:31

Millions of "untrained" people look after children every day! They are called parents.

If op is happy with this young relative looking after her dd, why is that a problem? Providing she is paying her properly of course.

NavyandWhite · 09/05/2017 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.