Childcare issues, I'm quite upset by this, but think I may be in need of a grip?

[ChildcareWoe]

Long story short, I've recently gone back to work and have employed a family member (A) as a nanny/mother's help.

It's come to light recently, that on occasion, A's mother basically hijacks A's time with my DD (that I am paying for) and they all go on a family day out with me being none the wiser.

When I twigged what was going on, I asked A directly and there was a really awkward silence until she 'admitted' what was going on. She is a kind and sweet-natured young woman and I hate that she had been put in this position

As you've probably guessed there is back story between me and A's mother, she is quite a strong, dominant character and treats me (and if I'm honest, A too) as though she were in some way in charge of us. She adopts a dismissive and high handed attitude with me which makes our relationship quite difficult if I 'step out of line'.

I think she is making her arrangements to see my DD (whom in fairness she adores) through A rather than me, as to ask my permission directly would requite some humility on her part, recognising my status as DD mother, and that just doesn't fit with the dynamic between the two of us.

I'm quite upset by this and think she should make her arrangements to see DD via me, not through A, but I am not sure how reasonable I am being by getting all worked up about this...

The thing is, if she ever did ask my permission, I would gladly give it and I'm sure they would have a lovely time, so the end result would be the same. I have no issues at all with the standard of care given by either A or her mother and, most importantly, DD has a whale of a time. It's just me with the issue

So what should I do? Apart from this, the whole childcare arrangement is working out so well for everyone else, I wonder if I shouldn't just suck it up for the benefit of DD? It is essentially DD having a day out with family members who love her, so what's the harm?

I'm so cross that I've been put in this position though, all it would have taken was a quick call or text to run the plans past me, but instead I feel like arrangements for my DD have been taken out of my hands.

So, do I get over myself, or say something and risk spoiling both the relationship between DD and this side of my family, and also potentially my childcare arrangements?

From what you've said, A's mother wants to be the "Mum" /matriarch of the family, you won't let her be over you/your DD which pisses A's Mum off massively. By taking control of what A does with your DD, she's exherting her authority over A and your DD without having to ask your permission, which would undermine her 'authority' position, which might well be the only reason she's trying to spend time with DD in the first place.

If this is a power struggle using your DD, then you need to nip this in the bud while DD is too young to understand what's going on/being said.

Calmly to A tell her that you don't want her taking DD out for the day, even with her Mum, without telling you where they are going first. That you have groups you'd take DD too you'd like her to go to, and if she's doing something else, you'd like her to run it by you first. You are her employer, so she needs to check with you, not her mum when changing DD's routine.

However, given what you have said, I don't think A sounds like a good person long term to be looking after your DD, you might be much better using a childminder or nursery.

Thanks again for all your comments, so, I've had a chat with A this evening to the effect of what I said upthread.

I have to say, she looked visibly relieved at the plan to give her a more structured plan. It seems that in my attempts not to micromanage and to give her some freedom I had taken it too far

I didn't raise the issue with her mother with A directly, I don't think its fair to catch her in the middle of what is indeed a power struggle between myself and her mother.

I'm not actually convinced the not telling me was even sneakiness, more a lack of thought - A's mother just wouldn't think it necessary to ask my permission, and A would (understandably) follow her mother's lead.

The long and awkward pause when I specifically asked if her mother had been there I think might well have been the penny dropping that she probably should have asked me first and her feeling a bit awkward about it.

Anyway, I think that A and I have come to a solution, a more structured plan and actual handovers, which have been a bit of a loose, relaxed business so far. She has agreed to discuss with me first if any other people are going to be with her (I included friends and boyfriends in there too so as not to single out her mother). I'm hoping this will bring the arrangement back onto the right track.

Thanks again for all your comments, gotta love the hive mind

P.s I do understand the posters taking the stance that she is too young and inexperienced to be looking after DD, at the risk of a bit of a drip feed, I wfh mainly so am actually often supervising the childcare and if not directly supervising, am normally somewhere on the premises.

The problems have arisen when, for whatever reason I have not been around for handover (e.g. I'm already tucked up in my office before DD is awake) so this is something we plan to address.

A rarely does a full day's childcare anyway and never a full day without me there for at least some of it...

I've actually been thinking about why I am so upset by it, and I think it has more to do with the fact that A's mother seems to want to spend time with my DD, but not with me.

I can't imagine, for example, wanting to spend time with a friend's DD and then making arrangements to do so without also seeing my friend at the same time IYSWIM? How would that make my friend feel?

I guess it makes me feel a bit like an incubator/brood mare which isn't a nice feeling tbh.

But you don't like this woman and you don't want contact with her. So why should she want to spend time with you?

Wannabe - you are not correct that the OP 'wouldn't have this level of control' with a 'properly paid nanny'.

You can have as much control as you like. Whether you would want it is another matter, and with an mature, trusted nanny you will be more relaxed. but you can absolutely determine how / where / when your DC is out and about, and with whom.

Childminder - different kettle of fish of course, but we're not talking Childminders in OPs situation.

OP - you are right. In this situation, YOU are the gatekeeper to your DC.
Other people (exc parent / teacher etc. ) do not get to foster a relationship with her without your explicit say-so.

Who you allow to influence your young children is absolutely within your domain. And if you and this woman do not get on - you're absolutely right to not feel uncomfortable.

Whether you should have chosen her daughter as childcare for your child is, unfortunately, a different matter!

In a perfect world, maybe Navy.. It's not like a big corporation where you have a team or HR.. sometimes these things don't occur to you until they actually come up.

I got much better knowing what to include by Nanny No. 4 :-)

I think some posters are now putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 5... perhaps it is frustrating, but for confidentiality reasons, I can't be expected to give chapter and verse on all the details. I do see how this is causing people to get the wrong end of the stick though.

I've had some really useful advice on this thread and plenty of food for thought. I'm signing off now - thanks again

I want to know the relationships! A's either your niece or your little sister, making the older woman your sister or mum.

Good luck OP. Childcare is always a minefield - hope it works out well x

It's not right that they are going behind your back with your DD. I wouldn't be at all happy about it. They may have also told your DD not to mention that so and so was there.
She's obv your sister or SIL so it's difficult. I would let them know that you know and tell her you wish she'd let you know- tell her to be honest and you have no issues with it.

Lighten up, is my advice. Your daughter is happy with these outings and that's the main thing. It's hard on A to be caught in the crossfire between you and her mum, so I would try to minimise the conflict over this out of consideration for her awkward situation. You have a right to know where your child is, though, so I think you could ask A to just let you know if she is taking your daughter somewhere not on her usual schedule. It can't be hard for A to quickly shoot you a little text saying "mum and I are taking Jane to the zoo, back by 5." Her mum doesn't even have to know!

If A is your first/only choice of childcare unless you have other options you will have to allow this.
A isn't going to stand up to her mother (and probably enjoys some adult company).

I also can't see a problem if u know A's mother is good to your daughter. I don't think it is reasonable for A to tell u plans all the time (though she should never hide them either)

It's a hard time going back to work. These things will all get easier. But trusting someone to watch your child is hard, if there isn't a nursery or childminder you would want/has space you should be careful not to burn bridges with A. X

Ultimately A has legal responsibility for your dd when she is looking after her. She should not be leaving your dd with her mother, which may also be happening - even if it is just a trip to the loo. You need to decide how structured you want the agreement and childcare to be. Right now, the laissez faire approach doesn't seem to be working.

Not giving details such as A's age and relationship to you makes this a confusing read and more difficult to fully give considered opinions.

Greet your child in silence and watch the expression on her face.

If she is smiling and there is light in her eyes, keep it all going.

If not, change the arrangement.

Am I the only one irrationally annoyed by the OP not naming the relationships here? Like sister, aunt, whatever?

It sounds like you are sorting it out. We let our nanny go out with other nanny friends all the time particularly as I work from home so the more they were out the better! Not everyone is like that. Our first nanny stayed 10 years and our childre had a lovely relationship with her husband's parents actually - it was lovely for our children but yo have the back story in your case.

It would be reasonable to have a plan eg Monday mornings play group, Tuesdays take child swimming, Wednesday whatever anyone wants to do etc etc

Just as an example, I watched my eldest sister's 3 during part of the summer months as a teen (I was paid). There is no way I would have taken them anywhere without letting her know first, even with our mum. It wasn't so much asking permission as she didn't have 'issues' with Mum and was more than happy for us to go places, it was more so she wouldn't worry if the phone didn't get answered (before mobiles) or she came home for lunch/early to find the house empty. As far as friends, I had two that were 'pre-approved' to drop by, but when they came we didn't go anywhere further than the school play yard down the street. No getting in a car.

You are right to institute a stricter policy with A. Is she going to have the strength to tell her mother, though?

I wouldn't be happy either! use this as an opportunity to talk about how this is fine (as long as it is) but that you want A to check with you first/text you where they are going, if she is going anywhere other than locally. I used to childmind and although I didn't generally ask permission I did say to parents ooo we're going off to such and such today - Hope you work it out 😊

I think it's reasonable to be informed of where and with whom your daughter is going. That would be expected of any child minder / baby sitter. Just let A know that you're not angry but would rather know before hand if she's planning to take daughter to meet someone.