Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give 17 month old dd a small gift on ds's birthday?

151 replies

Placeanditspatrons · 08/05/2017 23:41

He will be 8.

It's not so much because she will get upset if she doesn't have anything...it's more because she will be a total pain and want to open his stuff and then play with it which will hugely annoy him.
I considered wrapping a couple of her own toys that she already has and maybe getting one small new toy to open in the hopes of distracting her from ds's new things!
It is such a difficult age gap and her birthday is Christmas Eve so she gets two days of heavy present receiving and then nothing for twelve months.

Would it be unfair on ds?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 09/05/2017 11:05

If the issue is that she's not allowed to play with the 8 year old's stuff (and why would she be?), then it won't be solved by giving her "one tiny thing" of her own, will it? She'll still want his.
It's a separate issue.
Surely a 17 month old can be distracted by other party paraphernalia rather than being given presents of her own when there's no reason for her to have any?

Original poster
Placeanditspatrons · 09/05/2017 11:10

Because we will be away on holiday at the time there won't really be lots of party stuff though.,,

OP posts:
littleducks · 09/05/2017 11:14

Make her up a 'party bag' with a few nick nacks in?
In general terms I would say no its not a great idea but with all the context I can understand why you are considering it

Nicemil1 · 09/05/2017 11:18

Hi op we had an 8/9 year age gap between our dss and their sisters.

We didn't because we thought the girls needed to learn it wasn't their day but the boys wouldn't have minded in the slightest as they spooky them. Still do snd dds 18 now!

I think it's how your boy will feel that matters.

Nicemil1 · 09/05/2017 11:18

Spoil not spooky

WayfaringStranger · 09/05/2017 11:20

I know that many MNers get their knickers in a twist over this but I can't see the harm. My sister and I got "unbirthday" gifts as small children. We have grown up into well adjusted adults who don't throw tantrums and think everything is about us. In fact, we are both reserved and don't enjoy any attention or limelight. We used to enjoy choosing presents for one another. We were happy to share something little. It hasn't caused us any harm in our relationship.

x2boys · 09/05/2017 11:26

Çi vaguely remember my grandma getting me a present on.my sisters birthday and I m 44 this yr so its not s new thing dh once got a BMX bike on his sisters birthday I think they were getting him one anyway but still...
I do feel your pain though my ds1 birthday is on boxing day so they have it all at once he's 11 this year.

Buffythebabywearer · 09/05/2017 11:32

I'm another who had unbirthday presents and is able to recognise that not everything is about me (possibly assisted by the fact that a close family member's birthday is the day before mins so my birthdays have always been effectively shared, as is more or less the case for the OP's DD).

It's not always possible to make a child's birthday all about them. It is not really "fair" (although very little the OP can do) that the DD has her birthday at Christmas while her brother has a day to himself in the middle of the year and she may or may not be bothered about that when she is old enough to understand.

I would have thought Haribo (er choking risk!( and iPad were much more harmful to a 17 month old than an token something to unwrap!

OP I would go for whatever you think will make your day easier given she isn't even going to remember this.

Gumbo · 09/05/2017 11:41

Not quite the same, but SIL and her wife always used to let their PFB - (who was 3 years older than my DS) actually open my child's presents! Shock Angry It used to get me really worked up as his parents would watch him snatch the gift out of my DS's hands and say "Ooh look! Isn't our PFB being helpful! That's right PFB, help GumboChild open that by pulling the wrapper off". After 2 birthdays and Christmases of this, the next time he did it I grabbed the present back saying "I think DS would like to open his own gifts, don't you? There you go Ds, I'm sure you'll manage fine on your own". Cue SIL and her wife spluttering and muttering under their breath about how shocked they were as their PFB was just being helpful... Hmm

RadarLoveBug · 09/05/2017 11:43

I think you've got a bigger problem between them to be honest. If your 8 year old is retaliating against and taunting a baby really. Could she not have a job like collecting the wrapping paper and putting it in the bin? Or stick her in a high chair with cake or something yummy so she's restrained and happy.

Polly2345 · 09/05/2017 11:49

My parents did this and I don't think it's made me or my sibling spoiled (maybe those who know us would disagreeSmile. As a PP said I can't actually remember when they stopped doing it.

It never went beyond a v small gift for the child who wasn't having a birthday. I can see it wouldn't work if you had more than two kids.

Notso · 09/05/2017 12:04

Ooh Gumbo my Uncle was like that with my cousin. One year I didn't get a present from them because my cousin made a major fuss and refused to hand it over after he opened it, my uncle put it back in the car and said he'd get me something else. He never did. not that I'm bitter

Colacolaaddict · 09/05/2017 18:28

I am curious whether any of those who say it's a terrible idea bought "big brother/sister" gifts for older siblings when a new baby arrived. It's a similar thing - yes they have to learn but the child is ONE! My eldest had loads of little presents from visitors when DC2 arrived, just something small like a colouring book to open.

DotForShort · 09/05/2017 19:09

As a tradition, it isn't something I would do. As a one-off, in these circumstances, it seems like a good distraction technique for the OP's daughter that will allow her son to enjoy opening his presents in peace. Win-win.

CheeseQueen · 09/05/2017 19:23

WTF! This is a 'thing'?

No, it isn't. Out in the real world, that is. Grin
La La Land however is another story....

CheeseQueen · 09/05/2017 19:34

It's not her birthday though, it's your Son's birthday. Would he get a present on her day or would you expect him to be old enough to understand?!

This. If you're daft enough to go ahead, make sure you're at least fair about it and treat them equally.

Witchend · 09/05/2017 19:56

Thing is I've known a couple of people do this in similar situations. Come dc1 aged about 16-18, dc2 (aged now older than dc1 was when it started) is still getting a present on dc1's birthday "because they expect it" and dc1 is saying how come dc2 always gets a present on their birthday but they don't.
In both cases the dc1 resents the dc2 and sees them as always getting one over them. In one case I think there is favouritism in other parts too (certainly the dc2 gets away with a heck of a lot more), but in the other case they're generally pretty even.

And she may well remember next year. I was astounded when dd1 started talking about the previous Christmas-when she'd been 14 months. Children remember more than we give them credit for.

MaisyPops · 09/05/2017 20:38

I sort of see your point but I just feel that all year we make a point of the fact they have to share everything including attention and it's nice that just one day a year the focus is on them and good for the others to learn that we have to sometimes put others first. I like that as well as learning it's not always about them that they can see that sometimes actually it is!
See I think there's no doubt who the birthday child is, they have the cake, candles, more presents etc. It's not about keeping both kids equal perfectly or playing down someone's birthday, I'm just personally not a fan of there being days that are all about one person to the exclusion of others.

It's like Christenings are about the family and friends, a wedding is about the couple and their families coming together. It's not about parent throwing a party and the wedding isn't the 'brides day'

I don't think a token makes people grabby or entitled (unless parents are buying them because the children are materialistic and will throw a strop/unless parents start going overboard and lavishing gifts).

I do feel like too much "this is your day/your moment" feeds into something I don't like in general.

MaisyPops · 09/05/2017 20:41

It used to get me really worked up as his parents would watch him snatch the gift out of my DS's hands and say "Ooh look! Isn't our PFB being helpful! That's right PFB, help GumboChild open that by pulling the wrapper off"
What a brat! That child has been way over indulged. How dare they go through your child's stuff.

ImsotiredImsotired · 09/05/2017 20:42

I do this with my 5 & 4 year old. Don't see any harm in it at all. The birthday child gets a balloon and a few presents and the other child gets a balloon and a small gift (about £15). They understand that it's the others birthday. I will continue to do this for years to come.

user1493022461 · 09/05/2017 20:46

Mine will never be friends or playmates though will they? age gap and gender divide is too wide

Rubbish. I have a far bigger gap and they are great friends, and playmates. Of a different kind than if they were closer in age, but it's just as good.

She's a baby, not even one and half. She doesn't have the first notion about birthdays or gifts, it doesnt even make sense.

PunjanaTea · 09/05/2017 21:46

It's not her birthday though, it's your Son's birthday. Would he get a present on her day or would you expect him to be old enough to understand?!

The OPs DS does get a present on the DDs birthday because it's on Christmas Eve and she said he always gets new pyjamas, and of course a load of presents the next day.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/05/2017 21:51

no to pressies for siblings on childs birthday

why would you do that?

shes only little so doesnt understand about pressies/birthday

def doesnt need pressie toopen

BertieBotts · 09/05/2017 23:29

I don't think it's going to set any precedent. She's 17 months, she won't even remember next year.

Italiangreyhound · 10/05/2017 00:08

My sister and I always got presents on each other's birthdays and we have continued the tradition with our kids.

There would be so much jealousy is we did not do this.

If you do it, do it on both birthdays not just the younger one.