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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give 17 month old dd a small gift on ds's birthday?

151 replies

Placeanditspatrons · 08/05/2017 23:41

He will be 8.

It's not so much because she will get upset if she doesn't have anything...it's more because she will be a total pain and want to open his stuff and then play with it which will hugely annoy him.
I considered wrapping a couple of her own toys that she already has and maybe getting one small new toy to open in the hopes of distracting her from ds's new things!
It is such a difficult age gap and her birthday is Christmas Eve so she gets two days of heavy present receiving and then nothing for twelve months.

Would it be unfair on ds?

OP posts:
Cheby · 09/05/2017 06:56

Have you thought about just not letting her play with his new stuff OP?

Yes I'm being sarcastic; because it's an obvious solution. Keep hold of her while he's opening stuff, distract her, give her other stuff to play with, and ask your DS to take his new stuff to his bedroom and bring it down one thing at a time to play with.

Yes she may cry, but then she's learning that stuff isn't hers.

CrazedZombie · 09/05/2017 06:57

Won't she be distracted by balloons etc?
Will it be possible for ds to open pressies without her there? Ds will have multiple gifts so once she's opened one won't she want to just open some from his puke?

NotHotDogMum · 09/05/2017 07:03

It's not her birthday, it's his. Kids need to learn that sometimes it's not their special day or time for treats. If she is too little to understand then you need to distract her.

Your DS needs to understand she is little and gets excited and he is getting lots of lovely birthday gifts, perhaps allowing her to open one for him may be an idea.

Really good opportunity to teach them sharing and tolerance, giving her presents on his day is sending the wrong message and imo a bit of lazy parenting.

Original poster
Placeanditspatrons · 09/05/2017 07:04

We are actually away on a caravan holiday for his birthday so makes it a bit trickier as little space to remove her to!

She doesn't do distraction my dd. Neither did my ds. It isn't in their natures.

OP posts:
Original poster
Placeanditspatrons · 09/05/2017 07:04

She'd be distracted by balloons. She loves them. She also bites them so I'm not too keen...

OP posts:
HashiAsLarry · 09/05/2017 07:07

Just a cautionary tale. My DM did this for years one way. Upshot is my sister doesn't respect anyone's birthday as being their day as they're days to be shared with her, yet don't put her central on her birthday there's hell to be paid. She's in her 30s and still like this.

metalmum15 · 09/05/2017 07:09

Ignore the birthdayzillas

This. One small token gift does not make kids grabby and greedy and they don't go around entitled all day as if they're the special one. I've always done this, and my eldest is now almost 13. I don't spend much, it's usually just a small toy, book, hair accessory etc. My children love it, and the non-birthday child knows they have to wait until birthday child has opened their presents first.

metalmum15 · 09/05/2017 07:09

Ignore the birthdayzillas

This. One small token gift does not make kids grabby and greedy and they don't go around entitled all day as if they're the special one. I've always done this, and my eldest is now almost 13. I don't spend much, it's usually just a small toy, book, hair accessory etc. My children love it, and the non-birthday child knows they have to wait until birthday child has opened their presents first.

TheFirstMrsDV · 09/05/2017 07:11

Its your call.
I wouldn't. I think it just leads to more trouble along the way.
I expect that there are lots of people who do it and will tell you that its fine though. Different things work for different families.

My BIL rushed out and bought my DN a whole new lot of Christmas presents one year. We were visiting after Christmas and he couldn't bear the idea of her not having loads of stuff to open when our kids opened theirs.
She is a lovely girl but I can't say she isn't spoiled. She is.

I agree with the others who say birthdays are for the birthday child. Let the feel special. Its only once a year.

Frazzledmum123 · 09/05/2017 07:16

Maisypops- I sort of see your point but I just feel that all year we make a point of the fact they have to share everything including attention and it's nice that just one day a year the focus is on them and good for the others to learn that we have to sometimes put others first. I like that as well as learning it's not always about them that they can see that sometimes actually it is!

SuperBeagle · 09/05/2017 07:16

No, no definitely not.

Birthdays are for the birthday child and no one else. It's never too early to start learning that. I know a few kids who are right shits at birthday parties, wanting to get involved in opening the presents and insisting that they also get to be at the cake to blow out the candles. Their parents do sweet fuck all about it, enabling it.

Giving the other child a small something to placate them every time the attention isn't going to be on them is a terrible habit to start.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 09/05/2017 07:17

I can fully understand the temptation to start it, there's 11 months between my youngest two and the riots on birthdays can be difficult. DS2s 3rd birthday was yesterday and DD (nearly 4) a bit stroppy but I explained that it was DS2s turn and she'd get her things in a few weeks. I used to have the same issue with DS1 (he has ASD) on other birthdays but I calmly stuck to my guns and explained why it was someone else's day. Yesterday he disappeared for a few minutes and came down with a handmade card for his wee brother because "it's his special day" and I was really proud of him, because he was making a huge effort.

I think what I'm trying to say OP is that I get where you're coming from, I really do, but in hindsight I'm glad I didn't do it because a day of strops is forgotten now, but that they learned to be kind and celebrate someone else's day without looking for their own presents is kind of cool.

sparkleandsunshine · 09/05/2017 07:20

My little brother always got a present on my birthday -3 years younger than me- but I didn't get one on his because I was old enough to understand. I just remember feeling very resentful. Obviously I got over it when I was a little older but I can remember up until 8-9 it really upset me, I either won't be doing it for my kids OR will make sure I treat them the same and do the same for the older child at the younger ones birthday.

christinarossetti · 09/05/2017 07:22

I get you OP. It's about your son's needs, not your dd's.

Why not wrap up a couple of fruit bars or other ' healthy' snacks and something from the pound shop that will grab her attention immediately? Or something like a punnet of blueberries which is slow to eat?

I get what you mean about not being easy to distract, but if she's busy, you can focus on your DS.

Cleanermaidcook · 09/05/2017 07:24

Personally I don't like it, it's his birthday not hers, if they already don't get on that's just going to give him something else to resent her for. Also takes away that it's his special time imo. Up to you though obviously.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 09/05/2017 07:25

I wouldn't either, I'd just remove the child from the situation if they made a fuss rather than reward the, with a gift.

Your son is already likely having issues with a new sibling and it won't hel if he sees her having gifts when it's not her birthday.

Your post is all about your younger DD, not your DS yet its his birthday.

christinarossetti · 09/05/2017 07:25

I think OP is talking about giving her dd a few things to keep her busy to stop her interrupting ds's present opening, not showering her with gifts....

SunshineDeLaSoul · 09/05/2017 07:26

AIBU?

Everyone: Yes

OP: la la la (puts hands over ears)

Original poster
Placeanditspatrons · 09/05/2017 07:30

People do realise I'm taking about one very small thing or even something she already has??

Not piles of gifts or a similar amount of gifts to ds.

OP posts:
Original poster
Placeanditspatrons · 09/05/2017 07:30

I could say her birthday is exciting for him because it's Christmas Eve.

I realise that isn't his fault. But that is our circumstance.

OP posts:
Notso · 09/05/2017 07:33

Me and my sister got unbirthday gifts from my Grandma and my kids get them from my Mum.

It's never been expected and always the birthday child gets theirs first and gets the full attention. The unbirthday gift is something small, given quietly without a fuss.

As far as I'm aware none of us are spoilt brats. My sister and I now as adults manage to recognise other people's birthdays, we don't sit wailing and thrashing around at our children's parties because nobody got us anything.

My kids never mention it in the run up to the birthday, talk is always about the birthday child. One birthday my Mum had a broken leg and didn't get them anything, nobody mentioned it. I think if it did ever start to be expected it wouldn't happen.

christinarossetti · 09/05/2017 07:33

I don't think OP is BU.

NataliaOsipova · 09/05/2017 07:34

MaisyPops I'm with you. Couldn't have put it better myself. I'm convinced it's the "my day" approach that breeds that sense of entitlement rather than anything else.

My two girls are very close and are very good (most of the time!) at sharing. One of them gets something from school etc? It's shared. Stuff in the playroom is considered "theirs". I like that attitude. So, yes, when it is one birthday, I will get the other child a small present as well. Usually something similar or related to something I have for the birthday child. So - it was my older DD's birthday a couple of months ago. Amidst her pile of presents was a mug with her name on it. I got her little sister a mug with her name on it too - and they've had huge fun having drinks together in their mugs, meaning the older one actually got more fun and enjoyment from the gift. In fact, when she was spending her birthday money, she even picked up a couple of little bits for her sister. I much, much prefer that to an "it's all about meee" attitude.

Plus - all the people who scoff at buying a gift for a sibling - presumably you give party bags to the kids who come to your child's party? Why? It's not their birthday. Any gifts should be for the birthday child. Do you all have a slice of birthday cake? Why? It's cake for the child whose birthday it is. Etc etc.

temporarilyjerry · 09/05/2017 07:35

If your DD doesn't do distraction, why would she be distracted by one small gift for her?

Original poster
Placeanditspatrons · 09/05/2017 07:37

Because opening something would be what she wanted to do!

OP posts: