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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give 17 month old dd a small gift on ds's birthday?

151 replies

Placeanditspatrons · 08/05/2017 23:41

He will be 8.

It's not so much because she will get upset if she doesn't have anything...it's more because she will be a total pain and want to open his stuff and then play with it which will hugely annoy him.
I considered wrapping a couple of her own toys that she already has and maybe getting one small new toy to open in the hopes of distracting her from ds's new things!
It is such a difficult age gap and her birthday is Christmas Eve so she gets two days of heavy present receiving and then nothing for twelve months.

Would it be unfair on ds?

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 09/05/2017 08:20

I think a little present for a toddler is fine. Something that sort of benefits your ds perhaps - like if she's always nicking his pens/ pencils, get her some of her own.

Ds shouldnt be mean to a toddler sibling at 8, though, or tease her.

minipie · 09/05/2017 08:24

Ok fair enough Place. Apologies I missed the SEN reference.

If you do get a present for DD then I think you will have to get something for DS on DD's birthday...

PunjanaTea · 09/05/2017 08:33

I think in your circumstances with it being her birthday at Christmas Eve and your DS basically always getting presents on her birthday then it probably wouldn't be that bad an idea to give her a gift on his birthday. As she gets older you could use it as an opportunity to spread her gifts out through the year perhaps.

FinallyHere · 09/05/2017 09:08

I was that DD, six years younger and only ever valuing my DSis' toys.

I think you should do whatever it takes to get through the day. In your shoes, I would wrap up some old books, or whatever, in lots of layers of paper (not glitter, party stuff, just brown paper oh, and bubble wrap (is that OK for her age group?) Give her something to do to keep her away from him. Otherwise, all your attention will be taken up on crowd control, rather than as an appreciative audience. If know something what will keep her busy, why not use it?

All the best.

sailorcherries · 09/05/2017 09:16

My grandparents always have me something on Dsis birthday and her something on mine, likewise with my two cousins who were siblings.
My parents also done a little something.

A small token gift, possibly a book and bag of sweets for me and a cheap 'Barbie' and sweets for sister, or some makeup. It stopped once the eldest reached high school.

It never once made us entitled and we are perfectly capable of celebrating the others birthday (and everyone else's special days) without wanting it to be about us. I don't even ask for presents at birthdays or christmas (and didn't as a child either), so this one book or pack of sweets certainly never coloured my view.

LadyPW · 09/05/2017 09:50

Afraid I think the solution is to teach your 8 yo a bit more about sharing.
Not buy extra stuff to avoid the problem. In these circs I would be asking my older DC (who is 4 not 8 and often not great at sharing!) to let her younger sister open one or two of her presents. I would explain the presents are still hers but it would be kind to share the fun of opening.
But they're HIS presents! Why not teach the DD a bit more about respecting other people's property?!!

Original poster
Placeanditspatrons · 09/05/2017 09:54

Yes which is why I don't expect him to want to share them. Not that he shares anything. Even toys he hasn't used for years. Even baby toys that have been in the loft. Sigh.
But I wouldn't expect him to want to share new stuff anyway.

However I feel dd is too young at 17 months to understand why she can't have something. Especially when it won't just be one thing, it will be several things all at once.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 09/05/2017 09:59

It isn't just about his birthday though, it is hard for kids who have birthdays that close to Christmas. I have 2 with birthdays close to Christmas, a few days so not quite as bad but still leave 51 weeks till the next celebration. I think at 17 months it won't hurt, she is a baby and I can't imagine an 8 year old being bothered.

What we did in subsequent years was give them money as part of their presents for the birthday and it could get spent for summer presents so maybe thinking they will be old enough for a bike this summer so you say here's your present and there is x amount for later on when you need something. As mine got older they loved this and also would spend some of the birthday money in January and would get more for their money.

At 17 months she will have forgotten all this by next year so I can't see the problem.

LooksLikeImStuckHere · 09/05/2017 10:05

I really don't see how giving a child a small gift on the other child's birthday is going to mean that they are unable to share and that they will think they are the 'centre of the universe' as a PP said. Sorry, I haven't read the entire thread but these always come up and people are always so indignant about it!

My parents did this for my and my DSis as children, probably stopped when we were 10? Regardless, amazingly, we are both able to share and neither of us think we are the centre of the universe. Hmm

Really, what harm does it actually do? Not having a (tiny, inexpensive) gift once a year is not going to create children who share and understand that they are a small part of this world. Good parenting does that.

I'd do it OP, no harm will come of it.

grannytomine · 09/05/2017 10:06

OP she's a baby, of course she doesn't understand and she won't remember. It would be different if your son was more understanding but obviously he has his own issues. Distracting her should make his birthday better, hopefully he can understand that.

AppleOfMyEye10 · 09/05/2017 10:09

Op if it's just something to distract her then I think anything willdo? You don't have to wrap it up , just give her the packaging she will be occupied.

grannytomine · 09/05/2017 10:10

Colacolaaddict Meh. We had this when I was little. None of these portents of doom came true, and my parents stopped when we were 3 or 4 and we grew up into functional non-entitled adults. That can't possibly be true you must have tantrums if anyone else gets a present, some attention, gets married or whatever, oh no hang on you're in the same world as me.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 09/05/2017 10:16

You don't expect them to be friends or playmates. .
This is bloody awful!!.

Original poster
Placeanditspatrons · 09/05/2017 10:19

How are they going to be? They are six years apart. They share no common ground. They are different sexes. Ds has additional needs which makes him find making relationships difficult anyway and he resents the fact we had her...

OP posts:
MissEliza · 09/05/2017 10:20

Please don't start that habit! Surely the excitement of the birthday will be enough to keep her happy. Birthdays are for the birthday boy/girl and they shouldn't have to share with others.

TrinityTaylor · 09/05/2017 10:24

can't you stick her in front of the iPad with a bowl of haribo whilst he opens his presents, it will only be 20 - 30 mins surely?

montymum · 09/05/2017 10:24

You know your children best and if you think this will help ds enjoy his day then go for it. It was ds''s 5th birthday yesterday and my 17 month old was happiest tidying the paper into the bin and sitting in a box but they are all different and you know your family best.

Whiterabbitears · 09/05/2017 10:24

We have always bought a small gift for the sibling on my kids birthdays and it hasn't made them entitled or spoilt. Its just a nice thought and they appreciate it. As long as its reciprocated for your DS then I don't see the problem.

TrinityTaylor · 09/05/2017 10:25

of course they can be friends!!!! don't go into it all with that mindset - my brother is 11 yrs older than me and my sister 7 years, we are all really really really close and have a great relationships! you need to encourage it, but it seems you just want to keep them apart?

PenelopeFlintstone · 09/05/2017 10:31

I did it as mine were very close in age and just the two of them. I only did it for as long as they were little, say to about 7. Then I just stopped without any fallout. It's hard for a four year old to get nothing while the five year old gets loads. I didn't do it because it was a thing; I didn't know it was a thing and just thought of it myself.
It worked well for me.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2017 10:35

Your ds has SEN. He doesn't want to share anything. I would definitely sit her in her high chair as was suggested upthread.

Regarding old toys, could you maybe try to give him some logical arguments about which toys dd can or can't have? Tell him which were presents (even if you have to make it up) and these are his to keep and choose whether or not dd plays with them. Explain the rest are to share for any children in the house, rather like cutlery, crockery and the bathroom. If there is a particular toy he objects to, suggests he swaps this for one of the toys he had as presents.

It must be very hard. You sounds as if you're juggling lots so anything to make your life easier. I already said I agreed to the idea of a small gift.

helensburgh · 09/05/2017 10:37

No never done it here.
Children have to learn

AuntMarch · 09/05/2017 10:49

Only had time to read first two pages.

It's not something I do for friends children, but see no harm in a small something from the parents. At 17months a child developmentally doesn't understand that the world DOESN'T revolve around them. Later, she will. If you can explain it to your son and involve him like pp said, then what's the harm. She won't remember next year anyway so won't be expecting it again.

Allington · 09/05/2017 10:56

My parents did with my brother and me until we were 5 or 6. Somehow we've both managed to grow up as reasonably balanced adults, who cope with not being the centre of attention when it's not our birthday/special day in some way.

But I would say it has to go both ways, small gift for DS on DD's birthday. And perhaps celebrate hers early or late so it doesn't get swallowed up in Christmas and she genuinely does have HER day.

IheartDodo · 09/05/2017 10:57

I think it's a dreadful idea to be honest... children need to learn that sometimes the world doesn't revolve around them!

Also I think it's a little worrying that:
a) your dd can't understand that she shouldn't grab her brother's gifts, b) that you are unable to stop her!
c) that your ds won't let his little sister play and "help" open things, special needs isn't an excuse to be cruel to a small child.