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AIBU?

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Original poster

To give 17 month old dd a small gift on ds's birthday?

151 replies

Placeanditspatrons · 08/05/2017 23:41

He will be 8.

It's not so much because she will get upset if she doesn't have anything...it's more because she will be a total pain and want to open his stuff and then play with it which will hugely annoy him.
I considered wrapping a couple of her own toys that she already has and maybe getting one small new toy to open in the hopes of distracting her from ds's new things!
It is such a difficult age gap and her birthday is Christmas Eve so she gets two days of heavy present receiving and then nothing for twelve months.

Would it be unfair on ds?

OP posts:
Original poster
Placeanditspatrons · 09/05/2017 03:44

Yes she will.
Not because she knows there's anything particularly exciting in the gift but she just likes to open things. That's why i wondered about wrapping something she already has...
it isn't lazy, I am just aware that she will be into ds's new stuff within seconds and she's like a single minded homing pigeon when it comes to something she'd like a look at. Take her away and she goes back. I don't know who these toddlers are that can be distracted because mine is very very much not one of them!

OP posts:
twobarnsmammisonthebus · 09/05/2017 03:45

I think your suggestion is absolutely fine OP. It doesn't set any kind of precedent and is a highly sensible solution. I would definitely go for it!!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/05/2017 03:59

No don't do it. It's his special day not hers.

Frazzledmum123 · 09/05/2017 05:12

Oh I hate this. Birthdays are the one day of the year that should be all about you (when your a child). Dh family always wanted to do this for mine saying the other will feel left out but I agree they need to learn that sometimes it's not about them (and I'm the biggest softy normally). Yes it can be hard but we always reiterate that they will have their own special day.
I made it very clear I didn't want DH family to do this and for one year they did so I just said 'Oh lovely, we will keep that for your birthday' - they never bothered again Grin
If you really think it's necessary then speak to your DS in advance and explain why you are doing it and that it'll be a one off. Also don't buy her anything new, just wrap her old stuff up and don't make too much of a fuss of her whilst doing it. Personally I'd still not bother though

Frazzledmum123 · 09/05/2017 05:14

I do agree with buying for a child when they have a new sibling though it's nice to make a fuss of them then

StillHungryy · 09/05/2017 05:29

I think the issue is you sound like you're doing it to get the DD away from the DS but the DS may see it as you giving her presents on his birthday, which could cause some resentment. Especially if it's not reciprocated and she is likely to want to open presents for years to come when it's not her birthday.

But I think it's a silly idea anyway

AnnaFiveTowns · 09/05/2017 05:34

My mum always did this for me and my brother when we were little - just a small token, like a lip balm etc for the non birthday child. I think it's nice and doesn't make anyone grabby. It's still the other child's "special day"; they get tons of presents, cake, cards...and I certainly didn't resent my db getting a small present when it was myou birthday, I was happy for him. I find it really odd that a PP said she's never forgotten her mother giving her db a present when it was her birthday; to me, that's very mean spirited. All this " my day" obsession is very grabby to me; and laying the foundations for the whole spolit bridezilla nonsense.

Ignore the "Birthdayzillas" and just give her a little something, OP.

Blueredballoon · 09/05/2017 05:45

We used to get this too, just something little like a comic or set of pens etc. (We rarely got pocket money or presents other times though, I bet kids get a lot more generally now throughout the year!) I can assure you it absolutely did not spoil us nor traumatise us when it stopped a few years later! It was always just a fun thing that I have really happy memories of.

I don't think it leads to grabby children if done properly at all, that's all rather dramatic.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2017 05:49

Your ds is 8. You can tell him she'll be getting one less present on her birthday. I don't think it's unreasonable as long as her brother understands you're doing it because you want him to enjoy his presents. It's his special day and you're trying to ensure his sister doesn't spoil his pleasure.

WomblingThree · 09/05/2017 05:54

I don't actually think that one small present is going to distract her for very long from her brother's pile of presents. I imagine she will open hers, see her brother has far more interesting things, and be straight in there anyway.

Does she still nap? If so I'd do his presents while she naps. If not, I think you will just have to accept that this is the way it is this year, and by next year she will be old enough to explain to her that it's her brother's day, and she will get her turn soon enough.

insancerre · 09/05/2017 05:56

Op, it's your call
But do you really want a princess with a massive sense of entitlement?
Just distract her with the boxes or let her cry
It really won't affect her menatal health long term that she didn't get a present to open on somebody else's birthday

LedaP · 09/05/2017 06:00

I find this odd. I agree that kids need to learn that its sometimes not all about them.

I have a similar age gap. Ds aleays wanted to do what his big sister did. She was happy for him to help her unwrap them. He got bored after a while.

Did you get the 8 year old something when the baby turned one?

I will admit that i only knew one family eho did this. The two sisters didnt get on. Not just because of this. But it showed the dynamic of the family. No one was allowed to be special.

carabos · 09/05/2017 06:10

She's the golden child isn't she?

MyOtherNameIsTaken · 09/05/2017 06:10

Your 8yo will begin to resent his younger sister for this. I've seen it first hand and every time the younger sibling kicked off through jealousy, they got a present so they did it more.

There is now no relationship beween the siblings it happened to, 45 years later. Very sad to see.

Meluzyna · 09/05/2017 06:29

Our kids are 30 months apart in age.... in France we celebrate Saints' Days.... and the younger child was actually born on the older one's Saint's Day! So they always got a little gift.... and the younger's Saint's Day was in the same month as the older's birthday so he got a small gift then.
Check out if you can't have a "name day" for the Christmas birthday child some time in the Summer.

Procrastination4 · 09/05/2017 06:30

Do not do this. Don't let a 17month old dictate how things will be in your house. If you give in on this, what else will you find yourself doing in the coming months and years? She is not too young to learn that it's not all about her. Giving a little present to a child on the birth of its sibling I totally understand. Giving a gift on a sibling's birthday is ridiculous and unnecessary in my opinion. Put up with the tantrums or whatever this once. Otherwise you'll be, as the saying goes, "making a rod for your own back".

Original poster
Placeanditspatrons · 09/05/2017 06:31

Yes carabos she's the golden child Hmm

They don't get on now. Ds hates her being in his stuff and he doesn't share. In face he tends to hold what she wants in front of her and then pull it away. She trashes stuff he builds etc. I try and stop it but ds wants to play downstairs and all it takes is me to go out the room. Plus she is pretty dogged in her determination. She desperately wants to play with ds and he understandably doesn't want to play with her. What's the answer? I do not know.

I can just foresee a morning of basically saying 'no dd that's ds's' whilst she cries and repeatedly goes back.
Maybe she is learning something then, I don't know. She's 17 months so I'm not convinced he would have as much affect as she was maybe 3.

I just felt like actually that will take the focus away from ds. If we have to keep removing his crying sister. Then he will probably get fed up and retaliate and end up in trouble.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 09/05/2017 06:32

All this " my day" obsession is very grabby to me; and laying the foundations for the whole spolit bridezilla nonsense
Yes. So glad it's not just me. It's MY day so I want I want I want used to justify spending hundreds on children, large parties for half the group, baby showers, multiple hen weekends etc. The idea that in certain days you become the centre of the universe doesn't sit with me.

I didn't see one of my grandparents much when I was a kid. During that time we'd get a token gift (think, lip balm, puzzle book, pick and mix) when we saw them. On birthdays, the other sibling would get a little card and £5 to treat themselves. Nobody else in the family did it but her. We appreciated it. It stopped when we both got to secondary school. Don't remember it stopping as such.

A token gift doesn't make spoilt children.

Giving them the impression the world revolves around them does.
Giving excessive persents does.
Giving presents and money to appease them and to prevent a meltdown does.

LedaP · 09/05/2017 06:38

Yes celebrating someones birthday makes them think the worl revolves are around them. Of course Hmm

Or maybe its just nice to have one day when it is all about them and they feel special.

Op if they dont already get on, ever. I doubt this will make it better l. You have my sympathy. I have a similar age gap and sometimes ds (youngest) really peeved my dd.

They are 6 and 13 and get on great now. It just takes time. Ds is currently snuggked up with dd in her bed. He got in during the night. Having a new baby/toddler is difficult for the older one. But keep plugging away at them. Its worth it in the end.

TotoToe · 09/05/2017 06:42

I have never done this and my 3 dc have always coped fine. It should be all about the birthday child imo.
A Facebook friend recently posted photos of her dd's birthday presents and one for their ds - I was like Hmm

Tiredstressed · 09/05/2017 06:43

It doesn't have to be a lifelong tradition - by his next birthday, she'll understand a bit more and it will be less of an issue. OP - I'd do it if it means he can have a better birthday. I certainly don't think it is setting down the path to ruining your child as some have suggested.

MaisyPops · 09/05/2017 06:48

Yes celebrating someones birthday makes them think the worl revolves are around them. Of course
Because i totally said we should never celebrate birthdays. Hmm

I'm all for celebrating birthdays. I'm not a fan of "it's MY day" approach to it. (Just like im not a fan of big baby showers, gender reveals, people thinkingbtaht because they're getting married they need 4 hen parties etc. They all come out of the 'it's my day. Look at me' approach)

Yes, it's a special day but it's not a day to buy shit loads of stuff for one and then tell the other child to just get over it because its not their day.

I don't think you treat both kids the same. Obviously the birthday child gets more presents etc but a token gift for a sibling is not going to create an entitled child.

What I think creates an entitled child is a kid who thinks birthday equals lots of expensive presents, massive party (reminds me of party threads I've seen before on here with limos), all the attention on them because "it's mybday".

Booboobedoo · 09/05/2017 06:48

I have a big gap between my two, and always do it.

It's on my don't-sweat-the-small-stuff list.

They still manage to be gut-wrenchingly jealous of the birthday child, so an exercise in futility, really Wink

Mulberry72 · 09/05/2017 06:48

No, I wouldn't do it. It's his birthday not hers. Let him have his fun opening his presents, keep her away from his wrapped gifts. It's not his fault the her Birthday is over Christmas.

Original poster
Placeanditspatrons · 09/05/2017 06:54

It isn't but on her birthday it means ds gets a small Christmas Eve gift - some chocolate and a DVD to watch usually. So he has something. But not because it's her birthday, because it's Christmas Eve

OP posts: