Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

To give 17 month old dd a small gift on ds's birthday?

151 replies

Placeanditspatrons · 08/05/2017 23:41

He will be 8.

It's not so much because she will get upset if she doesn't have anything...it's more because she will be a total pain and want to open his stuff and then play with it which will hugely annoy him.
I considered wrapping a couple of her own toys that she already has and maybe getting one small new toy to open in the hopes of distracting her from ds's new things!
It is such a difficult age gap and her birthday is Christmas Eve so she gets two days of heavy present receiving and then nothing for twelve months.

Would it be unfair on ds?

OP posts:

Brittbugs80 · 09/05/2017 07:39

It's not her birthday though, it's your Son's birthday. Would he get a present on her day or would you expect him to be old enough to understand?!

I have a birthday close to Christmas as does my son, but we don't have an extra birthday in the year. It's not our birthday then!

Take it as an opportunity to show your daughter that not everything is for her. Yes she might get upset as she doesn't understand but that's going to happen through life, starting with nursery, school and class birthday parties!

Also tell your son, that she is little, doesn't quite understand and is excited to see what her favourite brother has had for his birthday.

SuperBeagle · 09/05/2017 07:40

What was the point of creating this thread, OP?

Enidblyton1 · 09/05/2017 07:44

I really wouldn't.
You could always get a few cheap birthday decorations and let her play with those. Ie. Streamer on a stick - I got one from hobbycraft for £1 and my then 2 yr old had loads of fun with it. I suppose it would be a present in your DDs eyes, but would officially be just part of the birthday celebration (like a few balloons would be).

crumpet · 09/05/2017 07:44

Did you give your Ds a gift 5 months ago when dd turned 1? If not then it's not fair to do the opposite this time.

BarbarianMum · 09/05/2017 07:46

We did it at this age - it was a one off and helped avert trouble. By the next year he was old enough to understand that it wasnt his turn. Lots of people will pile on here to tell you "she needs to learn" but imo at 17 mo they just don't get it.

LedaP · 09/05/2017 07:46

I could say her birthday is exciting for him because it's Christmas Eve.

No christmas eve is exciting for him because its christmas eve.

Original poster

Placeanditspatrons · 09/05/2017 07:46

What is the point of starting any thread Super?

He won't let her help or see any of his things, as I said he is often quite mean to her by either giving her what she wants and then snatching it from her immediately or by showing it to her and running off.
I can just foresee a day of 'it's mine, don't let her touch it' which is fair enough as its new birthday things and they are his things...but it also means it will be more fraught. Maybe it is lazy then. But we will be on holiday and I would like ds to have a nice birthday and all of us to have a nice day....

OP posts:

sizeofalentil · 09/05/2017 07:47

Not to be to dramatic about this, but pil gave 'd'sil presents on dh's birthday etc, despite her being older than him, to keep the peace, and now despite being in her 30s she genuinely can't stand anyone having their own day. To the extent that she causes a scene every birthday, Christmas (we have to have two), our wedding day and every one of our wedding anniversaries because 'it's not fair he's getting something and I'm not'.

Empireoftheclouds · 09/05/2017 07:49

I'm convinced it's the "my day" approach that breeds that sense of entitlement rather than anything else. How ironic you really think allowing a child a special day, just for them, for their birthday is self entitled? But you don't think giving both children a gift does

Pleasestoplickingthetv · 09/05/2017 07:49

My DS is 17 mths old and he wouldn't have a clue what was going on!
If you must, wrap some empty boxes for DD, however if that was me, I'd stick DD in highchair eating breakfast watching Peppa Pig so he was distracted, whilst allowing DS to open presents.

Original poster

Placeanditspatrons · 09/05/2017 07:49

I don't think she will remember this though will she?
And next year I'd like to think she might understand a bit more about - those are ds's things.

OP posts:

Empireoftheclouds · 09/05/2017 07:50

One of them gets something from school etc? It's shared. Stuff in the playroom is considered "theirs".. This part is actually quite sad to read.

EatDessertFirst · 09/05/2017 07:52

YABU but you seem to want validation for your choice to do it anyway rather than accepting opinions. Birthdays are about the birthday child. Its never too early to learn that there is one day that isn't all about yourself. My DC birthdays are a week apart, with the youngest first and we wouldn't dream of giving the eldest a gift on her brothers birthday.

sonjadog · 09/05/2017 07:53

Are there going to be other adults with you on the day? Could one of them not take your DD out if she starts to kick off, and your DS can open his presents in peace with you? When they are open, could he not keep them out of her way (in the car) or put them at a height she can't reach and then play with them one at a time? It might be easier for him to keep her out of his stuff that way.

NataliaOsipova · 09/05/2017 08:01

One of them gets something from school etc? It's shared. Stuff in the playroom is considered "theirs".. This part is actually quite sad to read.

Why?? They really enjoy playing together and they aren't territorial about their stuff. They have more fun playing together than they do miserably hoarding their own things for their own use. That's nice, surely? One of them has some sweets/cake from school - they'll eat them in the car together. Better that they have a "mine, mine, mine" attitude? I don't think so....

BarbarianMum · 09/05/2017 08:07

I agree with Natalia That's how we've always did it and it worked fine. Saved constant arguements or having 2 sets of of everything.

TinyTear · 09/05/2017 08:09

in my family every child gets one book on the sibling's birthday... i had it on my sister's birthday and she had on mine...

now we do the same for our daughters...

it's a book, it's not £50 Lego! and we can never have too many books

barefoofdoctor · 09/05/2017 08:10

DS and me used to get an 'unbirthday present'. Neither of us are at all grabby/entitled/mememe as adults. If you can afford to do this then why not? As long as both children get unbirthday presents and it is fair then I don't see the harm in it.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 09/05/2017 08:11

Depends when you intend to let them have their 'own times' .

My friend gave ds a quid every time dd lost a tooth and got one as it wasn't fair!!
Was nuts!!
His birthday his gifts imo.

Original poster

Placeanditspatrons · 09/05/2017 08:11

Mine will never be friends or playmates though will they?
The age gap and gender divide is too wide.
Plus ds has some SEN which makes it harder too.
So they are never likely to want to share or find it more fun to do so.

OP posts:

Original poster

Placeanditspatrons · 09/05/2017 08:12

At this stage I'm aiming for tolerating each other.

OP posts:

Original poster

Placeanditspatrons · 09/05/2017 08:15

I did think maybe a book as dd likes them but ds hates them. He wouldn't see a book as a gift.

OP posts:

Colacolaaddict · 09/05/2017 08:15

Meh. We had this when I was little. None of these portents of doom came true, and my parents stopped when we were 3 or 4 and we grew up into functional non-entitled adults.

minipie · 09/05/2017 08:16

Afraid I think the solution is to teach your 8 yo a bit more about sharing.
Not buy extra stuff to avoid the problem. In these circs I would be asking my older DC (who is 4 not 8 and often not great at sharing!) to let her younger sister open one or two of her presents. I would explain the presents are still hers but it would be kind to share the fun of opening.

Original poster

Placeanditspatrons · 09/05/2017 08:19

Ds is on the autistic spectrum and meltsdown if dd has his stuff.

He does however also take her own stuff off her just to be unkind.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread