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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my friend is selling the clothes I gave her for free

139 replies

tinnylittlethings · 08/05/2017 22:45

I have a friend who's daughter is a year younger than mine. My daughter is 7 years old. She worked at the nursery where my daughter went. I remember her making nice compliments about my daughter's clothes . She was a single mother at the time and working part time. She asked me if I could sell my daughter's clothes to her once she's out grown of them. I said of course and I had started to give all my daughter's clothes ( good condition ones ) to her for her daughter. I didn't want anything for them. Couple of times she brought me bunch of flowers as a way of saying thank you. I felt good about helping a friend. Clothes were all good and all from Next . Since my daughter had started to school we rarely saw each other. But I still continued to do my good deed until this year. ( I haven't sorted my daughter's clothes yet for this year. ) I recently met up with her for coffe after a long time . (Out of blue she asked me to meet up with her ) . I paid for my own coffe. She has a good job and earning well now. I don't know if IABU but I kinda expected her to pay it for me after what I did for her many years. We are also friends on facebook. I saw she was selling all the clothes I gave for her daughter on one of Facebook selling page last night. She is selling them as bulk ; 2-3 years etc .. and each bin bag is £15. She put " all from Next " on her advert. I didn't feel good about it at all. I know they are her daughter's now but she could give them away for free to someone ?! AIBU to think like this ?? I can't stop thinking about it.

OP posts:

holidaysaregreat · 09/05/2017 13:56

YANBU the clothes were given as a gift and there should be an element of 'pay it forward' here. We got given quite a few things from SIL and from other people as I was always happy to use 2nd hand. Stuff that was given in good faith was always passed on (if still in good condition).
I only sold on eBay or FB the items that I had bought myself. Did also pass on quite a few of these for free too as I felt that I had been helped out when I needed it , and wanted to do the same for others.
It also sounds like she may have engineered a meet up in the hope of getting hold of some new stuff.
Ignore the people who are saying it is fine!

Palace2 · 09/05/2017 14:10

My cousin used to give her son's clothes to a neighbour.... until the neighbour told her son to stop scuffing his shoes, because her son was waiting for them and he would ruin them. My cousin never gave her anything again.

PickAChew · 09/05/2017 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

user1489179512 · 09/05/2017 14:15

Did you chew on a wasp?

PersianCatLady · 09/05/2017 14:17

Once you give something away, you give up all the rights to it.

I hate gifts with strings.

requestingsunshine · 09/05/2017 14:19

As you had given the clothes away to her and her child has worn them and I assume now too small it really is up to her to decide what to do with them. You say she is well off now? What does that mean? perhaps she means she is now able to actually pay her bills but theres little left over for luxuries and she is selling those clothes in order to get a bit of money to buy her daughter some new ones now that she has outgrown them.

She might actually really need that money. In which case you are doing her a favour as you wanted to do in the first place, which is helping her out. Plus whoever buys the clothes at £15 a bag of next stuff is getting a real bargin, so you are still in a way helping the next person out too.

I had a friend who on the surface looked to be doing ok, but I knew was really short of money all the time and everything was a juggling act for her. I gave clothes from my dc and I told her if anything doesnt fit or anything she doesnt want to just give away or sell on eBay. It just made sense that she would be able to make a few quid (which I couldn't be bothered to do tbh). Some bits were clothes that someone had donated to me along the line, but I didnt feel I needed to go back to the original person and say, I have a friend who might be selling some of the clothes you gave to me that my dc have outgrown, do you want them back? That's just weird.

JJBum · 09/05/2017 14:24

I am a big believer in paying it forward. I never sell on anything I'm given by others for my kids. I try to pass on the good deed to someone else. If I were really, really struggling financially then I might do otherwise.

But not everyone thinks like that, sadly. And once you've given someone something it is theirs to do what they like with.

So YANBU and YABU..!

BlueKarou · 09/05/2017 14:39

YABU. Maybe she needs the money. Maybe she doesn't. They're not your clothes anymore and it's not your place to feel good or bad about how she's passing them on. Surely selling them is a lot better than quietly binning them?

Presumably you gave her the clothes and paid for things in the past because you wanted to help her, not because you expected her to pay you back one day.

I've been lucky enough to have received 2nd hand baby clothes from friends who are not likely to have any more children. None of my close friends are likely to have kids any time soon, so I will likely bag these up and sell them online. They're mostly just Sainsburys own, not as fancy as Next, not sure if that makes a difference.

reawakeningambition · 09/05/2017 14:40

a gentle YABU from me. I set up and moderated a freecycle site for years and dealt with multiple complaints from people in situations like yours.

Once you are forced to deal with these issues regularly you can see that gifts with a reservation are about the giver not the recipient.

good luck!

reawakeningambition · 09/05/2017 14:43

and this

"I think you seem to have an emotional attachment to the clothes that just isn't there for her. You see them as a loving gift bought for your DD, and then thoughtfully passed to your friend; but to your friend, they're hand-me-downs that her DD wore for a bit and no longer fit."

so no one is either right or wrong here.

elizaR3 · 09/05/2017 14:43

I agree wth some of the others. she offered to pay you int he first place. Her child has worn them, they're hers now, so I'd stop thinking about it. At least they're not going to landfill!

danTDM · 09/05/2017 14:43

Exactly the same happened to me! A friend gave me clothes, my DD wore them for 2 years, my friend had another baby.
She asked for them back

It was crazy, they were totally worn out mostly and a very few items I had passed on to my cleaner, years before.

So she hadn't given me second hand clothes, she had leant them to me, without explaining that fact. Deeply odd.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 09/05/2017 14:43

Did she ask you for coffee at around same time you normally give her clothes?

danTDM · 09/05/2017 14:45

And I don't speak to her now.
She thought somehow she had done me a MUCH bigger favour than she had and that I was beholden in some way.

EErrrrr, no! She had offloaded second hand clothes.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 09/05/2017 14:47

Maybe ask trayaurus to sort it?

danTDM · 09/05/2017 14:55

Astro55 · 09/05/2017 17:38

Presumably you gave her the clothes and paid for things in the past because you wanted to help her, not because you expected her to pay you back one day.

No she expected her friend to have the same judgement and pay it forward tonsomeone else less well off - not make a profit

Aeroflotgirl · 09/05/2017 17:48

Yabvvu she offered to pay for them, you gave her them without any instructions to give to charity after she finished with them. She got you a little something to say thanks. They are hers now to do.with what she sees fit. Yes I hate gifts with strings, it's not a gift.

DontPullThatTubeOut · 09/05/2017 18:11

She asked to buy them off you, you chose to give them to her. What she does with them after you hand them over is her choice. You wanting something in return is a bit odd.. we don't do nice things to directly receive something nice back. If that's the case then the heart foundation owes me a shit tonnne. Can I walk into their store and pick anything I want for free? My child also gave them advertising (kind of) am I owed something for that?

DontPullThatTubeOut · 09/05/2017 18:12

I wouldn't call it making a profit.. as soon as I've sold something that money has gone on bills etc.

woodhill · 09/05/2017 18:24

I think she should donate them to a charity or jumble sale not sell them on. To me it's wrong as she did not pay for them.

DontPullThatTubeOut · 09/05/2017 18:33

She didn't choose not to pay though. If she had asked for something for free then fair enough it wouldn't sit right. I wouldn't do it myself. I planned on buying some things from someone and she offered a few extras for free, she then arrived at my house and wouldn't take a penny. If I had sold them on I wouldn't be in the wrong as I planned on paying for them (not that it matters, but I did pass them on to someone else for nothing) if I had asked for something for free then sold it on then I think I would be scum.

Astro55 · 09/05/2017 18:49

I think where something is given for free and payment declined - then it's an unspoken agreement of 'pay in kind'

Which is what most people do!!

Selling something to pay bills is still a profit - no different to buying food or a day out!

You had the clothes for free and now you are getting your 'bills' paid

Friends has made profit twice over

Mrsbird311 · 09/05/2017 18:51

Your friend is mean, plenty of them around!!
Yes you gave them to her, she could have told you she was selling them and bought your daughter a lovely gift out of the proceeds, some people give, whilst others just take, she should have offered you a coffee as you used to stump up for her when you went out, I'm with you OP it's not about the money it's about the attitude. And I don't think ten bags of clothes a year is outrageous, if you can afford it , good for you. I buy my boys lots of clothes and always pass them on when I can, would I be offended? Prob not but would appreciate if they bought my boys a gift to say thanks

Aria2015 · 09/05/2017 18:56

One of my best friends gives me toys, clothes etc... for free as she's done having children. I've considered what I'd do when it's time to part with them and I'll either give them away or do a car boot and treat her to dinner. I'm quite lazy so I suspect I'll just give them away.

Either way it would not feel right for me to make money off them when I got them for free and so I don't think you are being unreasonable to be miffed.

The nice thing to do would be to 'pay it forward' and gift them to someone else's

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