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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my friend is selling the clothes I gave her for free

139 replies

tinnylittlethings · 08/05/2017 22:45

I have a friend who's daughter is a year younger than mine. My daughter is 7 years old. She worked at the nursery where my daughter went. I remember her making nice compliments about my daughter's clothes . She was a single mother at the time and working part time. She asked me if I could sell my daughter's clothes to her once she's out grown of them. I said of course and I had started to give all my daughter's clothes ( good condition ones ) to her for her daughter. I didn't want anything for them. Couple of times she brought me bunch of flowers as a way of saying thank you. I felt good about helping a friend. Clothes were all good and all from Next . Since my daughter had started to school we rarely saw each other. But I still continued to do my good deed until this year. ( I haven't sorted my daughter's clothes yet for this year. ) I recently met up with her for coffe after a long time . (Out of blue she asked me to meet up with her ) . I paid for my own coffe. She has a good job and earning well now. I don't know if IABU but I kinda expected her to pay it for me after what I did for her many years. We are also friends on facebook. I saw she was selling all the clothes I gave for her daughter on one of Facebook selling page last night. She is selling them as bulk ; 2-3 years etc .. and each bin bag is £15. She put " all from Next " on her advert. I didn't feel good about it at all. I know they are her daughter's now but she could give them away for free to someone ?! AIBU to think like this ?? I can't stop thinking about it.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 09/05/2017 13:00

'this happened to me too, at the very least i expected them to be offered back for a) if i have another child or b) if i know anyone else who might get some use out of them (my brother's wife was actually pregnant at the time!!)'

Do you make it clear then, when you offer to pass clothes on, that it is a loan and not a gift? Because it would never occur to me to offer them back if I were given clothes as gift and if someone offered them to me with such conditions I would not accept because then I have an obligation to take extra good care of the items and I honestly CBAd to do this even with clothes I buy myself for my kids, the clothes are to be worn and enjoyed in a normal manner for kids.

When you put conditions on a gift, it's no longer a gift and it needs to be made clear to the person you're offering it to.

There is a poster on here who gave someone a baby gift and was extremely miffed that the recipients didn't send her photos of the items being used and was therefore no longer going to give the child much, although the parents were clueless that she expected photos of the items being used.

Putting conditions on a gift needs to be made clear.

BeMorePanda · 09/05/2017 13:05

Is it still a gift if it has conditions attached?

EssentialHummus · 09/05/2017 13:06

Ideally she should have passed things on freely or asked you before selling (or split sales proceeds with you). You can only move on and make different decisions with your DD's clothes in future.

chestylarue52 · 09/05/2017 13:11

You can't stop thinking about this? I wonder if you might reflect on what that alone says about you, and your relationship with your friend.

MackerelOfFact · 09/05/2017 13:11

If she hasn't got (or know) any younger DCs to pass the clothes to, and you haven't got any other DCs, I think YABU to expect her to hang onto them for no reason.

Her options therefore are to a) dump them, b) charity shop them or c) sell them. It doesn't really make any difference to you which one she does.

I think you seem to have an emotional attachment to the clothes that just isn't there for her. You see them as a loving gift bought for your DD, and then thoughtfully passed to your friend; but to your friend, they're hand-me-downs that her DD wore for a bit and no longer fit.

wendywashington · 09/05/2017 13:13

You were just too kind. Unfortunately there are some people who get very used to just taking.
I'm a giver - well , l was. I have had an awakening recently and realised that many people l've helped with time/love/ children's clothes, even - do not share the same moral code.
Use this situation in your life to learn from it. It may just be bunches of clothes, but the way you've reacted ( understandably) means you probably gave too much.
The fact she didn't (even bear in mind) all your generosity and shout you a cup of coffee says it all!
Takers in life are given an antenna that helps them spot people like you and l !GrinWink

PuppyMonkey · 09/05/2017 13:15

Oh come on, everyone saying "a gift should have no conditions attached," and "you should have instructed her first about not selling on" etc. Are you seriously saying if a friend of yours sold all these kindly given gifts on Facebook right in front of your blummin' nose, you wouldn't be the tiniest little bit Hmm about it?

Because I would OP.Grin

BeMorePanda · 09/05/2017 13:19

any people l've helped with time/love/ children's clothes, even - do not share the same moral code.

Seriously - you think disposing of 2nd hand kids clothes involves a "moral code" that drives deviant 2nd hand clothes users, to seek out people like you and the OP, in order to ruthlessly exploit you?

Kokusai · 09/05/2017 13:19

I think it is a shame she hasn't paid it forwards. I probably wouldn't have been able to help myself when she said she was "comfortable" like "what, so comfortable you are having to sell on those clothes I gave you, rather than pay it forwards?"

wendywashington · 09/05/2017 13:25

panda why are you being so horrible.
It isn't always just about the clothes- thank you for just picking a bit out of my post to mock though.
Where is the ~~~just the kind of person l was talking about~~~ emocon? Hmm

BeMorePanda · 09/05/2017 13:29

kindly given gifts

FFS they are 2nd hand clothes from Next, not "kindly given gifts"

Personally I like to dispose of unwanted and unneeded items in the best way for the planet. If clothes can be reused and passed on that is great. If they go onto other children after, then that is even better. Hopefully they all eventually end up being put into the recycling chain.

You do realise that clothing/textiles is second only to oil in polluting the planet? www.ecowatch.com/fast-fashion-is-the-second-dirtiest-industry-in-the-world-next-to-big--1882083445.html

We should all be passing on and reusing clothes. Selling them can be a hassle - some will go through that others will give them away to either friends or charity shops. Huge amounts end up simply in landfill. I'm always thankful to have a parent/child to pass my DC's clothes onto.

Rather than focus on how "kind you are to give such thoughtful gifts of 2nd hand clothes to the needy single parent" and getting your knickers all in a twist about how hard done by you are when she again passes the clothing on, perhaps focus on being grateful that you have someone you can pass your child's outgrown clothing onto, therefore marginally lessening you and your child's burden on the planet.

BeMorePanda · 09/05/2017 13:32

Wendy your brought up a ridiculous assertion that you and the OP have a certain "moral code" around 2nd hand clothing that the OP's friend, whom you have labelled a "taker" has exploited.

BeMorePanda · 09/05/2017 13:33

oh and now you are calling me a taker without a moral code as well. So for that I say fuck you Wendy

wendywashington · 09/05/2017 13:35

What the fuck are you going on about panda
The op was hurt by her friend. Her reaction indicates she gave more than she could afford to lose emotionally.
In my post l said "clothes even" l am normally a recipient as l live in a nice middle class area, full of Mums that like to help out.
It isn't always about the most obvious that upsets people. Can't you read between the lines.
And maybe think before you post bullish responses?

TWOBANANAS · 09/05/2017 13:36

YABU

wendywashington · 09/05/2017 13:37

panda
I just saw your continued response to me and l'm wondering why you are just so rude?
Actually l'm not.
Do one.

BeMorePanda · 09/05/2017 13:38

Where is the ~~~just the kind of person l was talking about~~~ emocon?

user1489179512 · 09/05/2017 13:39

OP,
I think you are right to feel irritated. It's an ignorant thing to do whatever others here might think. Give her zilch from now on.
Some people are entirely without shame, it seems.

user1489179512 · 09/05/2017 13:40

Dear me! Check all the ffffing and blinding. Lol
I repeat: some people have no shame.

gillybeanz · 09/05/2017 13:44

10 full bin bags of clothes a year to give away?
I don't think I bought 10 bin bags worth of clothes in all the years.

YABU you should have asked her when she'd finished with them if she'd give them to charity or a friend less well off, if this is what you wanted. This could have easily been said when she offered to pay you.

I don't know what the coffee problem is neither tbh.
Do you mean she should always be beholden to you for the clothes?

dollydaydream114 · 09/05/2017 13:47

If the clothes you gave her no longer fit her daughter, then I can't really see what the problem is. If you give something to someone, they can do what they want with it, surely? I don't quite see what difference it makes to you. Also, just because she now has a job that doesn't mean she's got loads of money. You don't really know what her finances are like; she may be paying off debts etc.

Also, she OFFERED to pay you for the clothes when you gave them to her, and you said no.

I'm not really sure why you expect her to buy you coffee just because you gave her a load of old clothes you had no use for, either. She bought you some flowers, right? Are you expecting her to pay you back in some way every time you see her just because you gave her some clothes that didn't fit your kid any more (and because you chose not to accept her offer to pay you for them)?

Crunchymum · 09/05/2017 13:48

Is she selling the clothes her DD has outgrown?

loulou0987 · 09/05/2017 13:50

Its not a gift though is it? Its helping out someone out, I would expect the same back ie "would you like this stuff back for your new nephew or shall I flog it and we could have a coffee out with the proceeds??

BeMorePanda · 09/05/2017 13:53

The person taking the clothes is also helping the giver out - we all have to dispose of our unneeded stuff. Passing on clothing is seen as a one way street by so many, but it really isn't.

Lochan · 09/05/2017 13:54

I agree that the clothes are hers to do with as she chooses, however I also understand why you feel uncomfortable about this OP.

Just quietly give your next set of clothes to charity.