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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh doesn't approve of BF

147 replies

ziggyingzagging · 08/05/2017 22:22

NC just in case... I have a friend who i'd
class as one of my best friends. Been pals 20 years! Dh has never been overly keen on her but last year she split from her dh for a few months because she was unhappy and thought the grass might be a bit greener with someone else. She hadn't met anyone else but she was soon 'dating' after the split.

As her BF I was told all about her 'escapades'. I didn't encourage her, just tried to point out that things don't stay exciting forever and that chasing that 'new relationship' feeling would most likely lead to disappointment.

She ends up reuniting with her dh and they are happy.

My dh now REALLY dislikes her and feels like she has no morals. She's asked if I want to celebrate her bday by going on a spa weekend but dh doesn't want me to go because we 'might end up drunk and going to a party at someone's house'!!??? Not sure where this idea comes from - I haven't been to a party at someone's house since I was about 15!!!

I've tried to explain that how she behaved as a wife and her issues with her marriage, are separate from our friendship. Someone can be a 'bad' wife but a great friend and I still consider her a great friend.

Is dh UR for stopping me from going on the spa weekend?

I feel like I probably won't go as he feels sooooo strongly about it but I just want to see what others think!

Also, just to clarify - I myself have never given dh any reason not to trust me. I like a tipple but I'm not flirty and don't chat to men when I go out (usually too busy gossiping!).

OP posts:

Bananamanfan · 09/05/2017 07:13

He is BU. You're an adult & being in an adult relationship means you trust your partner not to betray your trust in them. I think you need to find out why your dh feels so insecure. My dh has been on many dodgy stag dos with friends with dubious 'morals' I'm not worried (other than hoping he returns safe), as he has given me no reason to worry.

derxa · 09/05/2017 07:19

"I know darling, just don't want you bring stuck on your own all weekend. Do you need me to pick you up anything for the flight?"
Really?

Shelby2010 · 09/05/2017 07:28

If she'd left her husband because he was a lazy cockwomble, who did nothing around the house & spent all weekend doing his 'hobby', would it still be immoral that she left? Even if she shagged around before she gave in to him promising to change & begging her to come home? There are a lot of posters judging the friend because they don't like the motives that she told OP.

OP, ask your DH what meet ups with your BF he would condone. Few drinks in the pub? Night in at her house? Lunch at a restaurant? Walk in the park. I suspect he will see them all as potential places for you to be lead astray. There isn't anything much tamer than a spa weekend surely? As a previous poster said, he's not 'distraught' he's a toddler having a tantrum.

Jengnr · 09/05/2017 07:40

Lets just say you did get drunk and end up at a party at someone's house.......so what?

Does crossing someone's threshold leave you duty bound to shag them?

Your husband is unbelievably out of line here. If you give in on this you might as well kiss goodbye to your friendship now.

DownTownAbbey · 09/05/2017 07:49

Had I known spas were actually pulling joints I might have considered going sooner. I thought the only way you got hot and sweaty at these places was in the sauna, surrounded by other women.

If he won't let you go to a spa then you're never going out with her again are you?

He's at best disrespectful of you (assuming you're easily lead) and at worst controlling and manipulative.

ENFJ · 09/05/2017 07:51

He sounds very controlling and he reminds me of my x who hated (for no reason) some friends of mine who were freer spirits and less under a man's thumb than i was at the time.

BarbaraofSeville · 09/05/2017 07:52

Glad I'm not the only one who expected a thread about breastfeeding.

I thought we were going to be treated to a tale of some wanker who thought that the OPs breasts were for his pleasure and not for nature's intended purpose.

As you were.

ENFJ · 09/05/2017 07:58

Also communicate to him that

Women are allowed to leave their husbands, even for no reason.

You yourself sound like you were sucking up to your husband a bit, did you 'egg' some of her stories? Calling them escapades sounds a tiny bit judgmental which I think would be almost normal after living with your H for a few decades.

Does your X think that her husband never had any escapades? does he believe that he would know?!!

iloveeverykindofcat · 09/05/2017 08:01

I agree with ENFJ and Perspaccia. He's being more than unreasonable. Maybe I'm biased due to my own experience (or more accurately my close friend's experience that I witnessed firsthand) but men who try to control women's movements, especially through emotional manipulation, make me really angry.

Brittbugs80 · 09/05/2017 08:05

I've seen posts on here, similar situation where a bf/dh friend has cheated and gf/DW doesn't want them to go away with this cheating friend as they are a bad influence. Replies include "if he loves you he would stay at home" "I'd be having stern words" "change the locks" etc etc.

Why is this NOT controlling behaviour? Why are men always painted as the controlling, bullying one for expressing their fears?

Original poster

ziggyingzagging · 09/05/2017 08:07

Thank you for all the replies. Just read through them all and sadly can't answer everyone.

Just a few bits that came up. The 'bad wife' comment was me using dh's words back at him.

I didn't tell dh about bf's 'escapades' in detail but I did mention she was dating other guys. I was obviously in a lot of contact with her during this time so dh would ask what's going on and it would be weird for me not to disclose anything to protect her privacy. But it was just general stuff, nothing private that I think she'd have been upset for me to share.

She didn't just leave to shag other people. She was unhappy in as much as she felt like her marriage lacked a spark and she felt taken for granted. Common issues and people deal with them I'm different ways. She did try marriage counselling before leaving so she didn't just throw the towel in.

A common theme in this thread has been how dh trying to stop me essentially means he doesn't trust me. I felt like this too and felt like it's thoroughly unfair. I feel like he's not seeing me for the wire he loves and knows.

I am concerned that if I give in then it may set a bad precedent for the future. I'm also concerned about dh being upset. Regardless of what people say, I love him and I don't like to see people I love upset (even if they are being UR).

I think I will speak with him again and have some solid points lined up. My ideal outcome would be to get him to a place where he's not worrying about it and fees semi comfortable with me going, then I can go and relax.

Thanks again for you time and comments.

OP posts:

HotelEuphoria · 09/05/2017 08:28

Hell no! totally unacceptable, he is entitled to dislike her but not control your friendships. My DH doesn't like my BF, but she was around for ten years before I met him, I even make them go on holiday together as families where they constantly bicker at each other.

BeaderBird · 09/05/2017 08:30

DH needs to grow up. How old is he? A party at someone's house? He sounds like a jealous 15 year old and obviously doesn't trust you. If he did then he wouldn't give it a thought.

frieda909 · 09/05/2017 08:54

I have been the friend on the other side of this, and I can tell you it did not feel good.

I had split amicably from my boyfriend of a few years, and was tentatively dipping my toe back in the dating pool a couple of months later. I wasn't going crazy, just going on a few dates with a guy I'd known for years as a friend.

My flatmate's controlling arse of a boyfriend did NOT like this one bit. I was suddenly the 'single friend' who would lead her astray. He would tell her he didn't want her going out with me, and would regularly tell me what a great guy my ex was and that we should get back together (they'd barely known each other). Once he even gave me a lecture on how cruel I was being to my ex by dating someone else, and how he couldn't bear to see it (again, it had been a mutual and amicable split and my ex was unaware of whether or not I was dating again, because it wasn't his concern).

It really affected our friendship because even though my friend made some lukewarm noises about how he shouldn't say those things to me, she still very clearly altered her behaviour with me to appease him. I knew she was in a difficult position but I couldn't help feeling like she was tacitly agreeing with his opinion of me by bowing to his wishes.

Tread carefully if you don't want to lose your friend.

MommaGee · 09/05/2017 09:34

*She left her husband, fucked around, and then came back when the grass wasn't greener. Hardly aspirational.

Would you take your DH back if he did that*
It doesn't matter though. OP isn't asking about whether its ok. She's talking about DP assuming that OP can be lure into cheating by the supposed former sins of her BF. That all it would take is bf saying "go on love, take him in the steam room" for her to throw her cozzie and marriage away.

And maybe not that short a convo dexra but I wouldn't be stopping him from going on holiday with a single man who makes independent sexual choices within the law of the country

MommaGee · 09/05/2017 09:34

*She left her husband, fucked around, and then came back when the grass wasn't greener. Hardly aspirational.

And maybe not that short a convo dexra but I wouldn't be stopping him from going on holiday with a single man who makes independent sexual choices within the law of the country

Iggi999 · 09/05/2017 09:39

I think he's mixing up a spa break with centreparcs.

goingonabearhunt1 · 09/05/2017 10:22

I agree with pp, DH is def BU.

It's not any of his concern what your friend and her husband's issues are tbh.

I have a friend who's very flirty/spontaneous/free spirited etc. that I go and stay with every so often. We go to club nights, gigs etc. (yes and house parties with MEN and everything!) and my DP has never tried to stop me or even expressed any opinion on this. Because I assume he feels as I do that our relationship is ours and I'm not going to suddenly start cheating on him just because I'm on a night out. Time with friends is important and you shouldn't have to give that up.

And for all the pp saying it would be different for a man, it depends on the circumstances; going to a strip club/brothel whatever is not IMO the same thing at all and that is a separate issue. I would never stop my DP meeting any of his friends though. I don't have any problems with any of his friends, some of their relationships might seem odd to us but you never know what's going on in someone else's relationship so it's not up to others to judge (as your DH is doing about your BF in this case).

Shoxfordian · 09/05/2017 10:38

I wonder who made your dh the morality police chief anyway?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2017 15:55

The other difference between this thread and a 'my BF is going to Prague with his mates who use sex workers' is we know the inside of the OP's head. We know she hasn't cheated, doesn't want to cheat, loves her DH.

If a bloke came on here and said, 'my GF is worried blah blah, but I love her and would never do anything' he would be told to reassure her. Not stop going anywhere.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 09/05/2017 20:23

Basicly it boils down to trust.

robinofsherwood · 10/05/2017 08:41

Does your DH feel strongly about men having casual sex or just women?

Surely if you dont go - and effectively agree to reduce contact with your closest friend - you will be upset. Why does his distress trump yours?

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