Dh doesn't approve of BF

[ziggyingzagging]

NC just in case... I have a friend who i'd
class as one of my best friends. Been pals 20 years! Dh has never been overly keen on her but last year she split from her dh for a few months because she was unhappy and thought the grass might be a bit greener with someone else. She hadn't met anyone else but she was soon 'dating' after the split.

As her BF I was told all about her 'escapades'. I didn't encourage her, just tried to point out that things don't stay exciting forever and that chasing that 'new relationship' feeling would most likely lead to disappointment.

She ends up reuniting with her dh and they are happy.

My dh now REALLY dislikes her and feels like she has no morals. She's asked if I want to celebrate her bday by going on a spa weekend but dh doesn't want me to go because we 'might end up drunk and going to a party at someone's house'!!??? Not sure where this idea comes from - I haven't been to a party at someone's house since I was about 15!!!

I've tried to explain that how she behaved as a wife and her issues with her marriage, are separate from our friendship. Someone can be a 'bad' wife but a great friend and I still consider her a great friend.

Is dh UR for stopping me from going on the spa weekend?

I feel like I probably won't go as he feels sooooo strongly about it but I just want to see what others think!

Also, just to clarify - I myself have never given dh any reason not to trust me. I like a tipple but I'm not flirty and don't chat to men when I go out (usually too busy gossiping!).

Well, I will be devil's advocate.

If my husband were this upset about something, I wouldn't do it. (I'm assuming he doesn't 'ban' stuff or stop you from doing things at the drop of a hat.) I might see if there were something I could add to the situation that would make it OK - taking other people etc.

I have had a similar situation-ish: when my husband was having more of a psychotic/anxious time, he was boringly jealous. There was one very chatty chap he decided was after me. This was not true, and even if it were, I'm boringly uninterested in anyone else. I did change my behaviour and see this person less (he was the parent of one of ds's close friends, so it was a bit of a pain). But ultimately, I am interested in my husband's wellbeing and happiness, and for me that does include changing SOME things SOME of the time, for his sake.

Protecting the well being of someone who's unwell is totally different to pandering to unhealthy urges to control another person.

If you want to go, go - how can your DH stop you? You are allowed friends he doesn't like or approve of. I'd go and have a good time - sounds like your DH is controlling and unreasonable.

DH has a friend who is vastly worse than your friend. Repeated infidelity and worse.

He and this friend went to Vegas together for the weekend. Was I happy? Not wildly. Do I trust DH? Yes. Did I try to stop DH? Of course I didn't because he makes his own choices and if all it took to get him to cheat was seeing his friend in Vegas, I'd be in trouble. In fact, his friend probably makes him want to stay with me more. Because our marriage is infinitely better than his and even the friend knows it.

Seeing your friend confused and floundering then back in her marriage kind of encourages you to stay in yours, doesn't it? Because clearly the grass wasn't greener.

Regardless, I would be at the spa.

I can sort of understand if he felt the friend didn't deserve you and your time. But your friendship is bigger than her behaviour - even if that had been bad. He gave his real concern away though, with the party comment.

He's being really unreasonable. I think my DH's best friend is a complete twat and he's done plenty to make me think that (including taking a break from his then pregnant wife for a fling) doesn't mean I worry about DH being led astray or mind them going out together, as long as I don't have to go and if he's round here I'm not expected to sit and chat with them. I'm his partner, not his mother, its not my place to tell him who he can or can't be friends with and I wouldn't accept him trying to tell me where I could or couldn't go or who with.

He is being a dick. GO and have fun with ur friend. You have been friends for 20 years. And if you can find a house party - GO in and drink the face of urself

You do realise that if you dont go this time you will never be able to go anywhere with your BF again dont you?

Because once you have given in, that will be it. All nights out, weekends away, lunch dates.....basically anything where he isnt there too, will be out. And there will be no times when he will be there too because he doesnt like or approve or her. Your friendship will be phased out bit by bit until you realise that you only speak to her on the phone when he isnt around.

The only way to avoid this is by standing up for yourself now. By making it clear that your friendship with her is non negotiable and that his fears and insecurities are just that...his.

Is he 12? He sounds quite unreasonably stroppy and ridiculous putting his foot down. Like he has authority over you.

Can you tell that I almost lost my BF this way to an insecure ex? Difference is that once there was proof I wasnt screwing around due to her bad influence, he decided that she and I must have been having an affair

Anyway, she's your friend and you value her friendship. He doesn't get to dictate who your friends are. He must be very insecure.

My best friends (of 12y) OH decided one day he hated me and he didn't want her seeing me and although I ignored it and said I was just going to let him get on with it and I'd see her outside of her home, ultimately it destroyed our friendship-we've not spoken in over 2y and it is entirely because of him controlling when she saw me...you will lose her if you let your tosspot DH control who you spend time with

Your husband doesn't trust her and from his point of view if you're going to be hanging around with her then he can't trust you either because he sees you as having bad judgement.

We are who are friends are, the people who surround us are the greatest influence so I don't blame him for wishing you'd pick people that he sees as being less threatening and potentially destructive to your marriage.

You have to decide whether you put your husband or friend first. If you choose the friend, he'll see that you don't value the marriage much so you'll probably end up losing him.

It's your choice but he has his own choices too and they'll be reactive to yours.

OP, you seem to be perfectly happy with how your dh is separately you from your friend, judging her behaviour to be immoral when it was nothing of the sort and assuming that you will be easily led. So I don't really know why you posted here.

I had one man like that in my life and that was enough for me. When you end up without any friends, your marriage will be a lot more uncomfortable.

But she did do something wrong and she did cheat on her husband. She was married and sleeping with other men. Whilst he can't choose your friends I can see why he might not want to encourage you to spend time with someone who was intrinsically dishonest and fickle. I understand his reluctance but can't see why you'd want to go - do you trust her? Does she expect you to share bedroom stories with her?

Is it meant to be just you and her on this spa weekend or other friends as well?

I'll be honest, if she was my friend, I wouldn't have told my DH about her escapades, because he'd probably not be keen on that aspect, although he'd not say I couldn't go away with her.

I'm sure he'd be a tad concerned about her leading me astray though.

People are saying she didn't do anything wrong, but like some have said, if this was a man who did it, they'd be convinced she had someone lined up before she left her DH.

Whilst it's 'their' marriage, many people like your DH don't like seeing people get hurt by others like this.

I personally would still go, because if you comply now, that means you are never to go away with her in the future. Plus I can be quite stubborn.

I do see his point of view though.

I wouldn't be mad on my DH going on a weekend away, with a man should the tables be turned... And regardless of it being a spa weekend.. Nothing stops you going out in the evening.

On a final note, do what you think is best for your marriage. Nobody else here should be your deciding factor.

Do take him up on his comment by 'stopping' him from doing something you're not comfortable with in the future. If nothing else, it will show you whether he regards your feelings as much as you do his.

Friends do sometimes make the wrong decisions sometimes but real friendship involves acceptance and support.

You can look at a situation and think "Oh I bet he/she had someone else lined up" without knowing. But the OP knows what happened. She knows what led to the seperation and to the reconciliation.

And sleeping with other people while being seperated but still legally married is not the same as cheating on someone.

You and your "D"H are both BU. You because whether you mean to or not you look down your nose at her and consider her to have behaved inappropriately (if they were separated, albeit however briefly, then she was free to see who she wanted) and he is BU because he's being a controlling twat.

Support your friend and tell your DH he's being an arse and since you're not 5 you'll not be told what to do.

Well. I think your dh is being unreasonable.
I'm trying to put myself in your shoes.
If I told my dh that I was going on a birthday spa weekend with a friend, and he asked me not to because I might get drunk and go to a house party, I'd think he was either joking or had suddenly lost the plot. And trust me, one or two of my friends have colourful pasts, which he knows about. A couple of times a year I visit a friend, 200 miles away, she's single and regularly goes out on dates, not interested in commitment (been there, done that). I also go for occasional short breaks with other friends.
Not once has dh become distraught, not even disapproving.
He knows I value my close friends and he's glad to see me go off and enjoy myself.

A break with a friend is for a glass or three of wine, a catch up, a sharing of thoughts and opinions, and to relax away from routine.
Well it is for me anyway. I'm not a raver
Especially with a friend of 20 years.
Don't let him stop you doing that. Or where might it end?
If he is genuinely distraught then that's his problem that will need to be addressed, but it sounds more likely that he is just being judgey about your friend. And trying to control you.

Does she expect you to share bedroom stories with her?

Where on earth did that come from!?

I'd like to know who died and made him the king of moral perpetuity.

He either loves and trusts you or he doesn't he needs to own this and stop blaming your friend

It's her marriage and quite frankly non of anyone's business. As ever his comments about the situation speaks volumes about him and his mindset

His behaviour would make me suspicious almost as if he himself at done something untoward in these circumstances

So he's basically saying that he has no trust in you to behave yourself in the company of this friend?? He thinks you'd end up drunk at somebody's house (ie probably sleeping with them too). He's been incredibly rude and disrespectful to you, let alone your friend.

Let's face it, you're not going to find a less rowdy thing to do with your friend than going to a spa, so he's basically saying you can't go anywhere with her or he will spit his dummy out.

I'd be going. I'd tell him that I loved him and would never hurt him, but that I was offended that he would insinuate that I'd do something to hurt him if I got drunk on a weekend away. I'd tell him he was putting a strain on our marriage if he was going to start dictating who he thought I should be friends with. I'd also tell him that if he didn't trust me there isn't any point in being married. He really needs to think through what he's saying. (For what it's worth every man I've been with who had opinions like this turned out to be judging me on THEIR OWN morals and how they'd behave).