Dh doesn't approve of BF

[ziggyingzagging]

NC just in case... I have a friend who i'd
class as one of my best friends. Been pals 20 years! Dh has never been overly keen on her but last year she split from her dh for a few months because she was unhappy and thought the grass might be a bit greener with someone else. She hadn't met anyone else but she was soon 'dating' after the split.

As her BF I was told all about her 'escapades'. I didn't encourage her, just tried to point out that things don't stay exciting forever and that chasing that 'new relationship' feeling would most likely lead to disappointment.

She ends up reuniting with her dh and they are happy.

My dh now REALLY dislikes her and feels like she has no morals. She's asked if I want to celebrate her bday by going on a spa weekend but dh doesn't want me to go because we 'might end up drunk and going to a party at someone's house'!!??? Not sure where this idea comes from - I haven't been to a party at someone's house since I was about 15!!!

I've tried to explain that how she behaved as a wife and her issues with her marriage, are separate from our friendship. Someone can be a 'bad' wife but a great friend and I still consider her a great friend.

Is dh UR for stopping me from going on the spa weekend?

I feel like I probably won't go as he feels sooooo strongly about it but I just want to see what others think!

Also, just to clarify - I myself have never given dh any reason not to trust me. I like a tipple but I'm not flirty and don't chat to men when I go out (usually too busy gossiping!).

The fact he is distraught seems strange. Either it is controlling via emotional blackmail/manipulation or he has very low self esteem or something along those lines.

Why can he not separate you from your friend's actions/choices? You are not a blindly following sheep! Surely if you did get drunk and end up at a party that does not automatically equate to you cheating!?

from his perspective he thinks that she left her husband 'for no good reason' and caused a lot of hurt.

Sounds to me like he's sneaking in an unspoken expectation that you need a 'good' reason that he approves of should you ever wish to end your relationship with him, there. Again: twat.

Oh, and that you would no longer be worthy of respect or trust should you choose to leave him (because lets face it, he's not going to approve of or acknowledge any reason you might have to leave him).

He is being very unreasonable. Insecurity and jealousy can really ruin a relationship. I would talk to him about it and maybe he could consider counselling.

A bad wife but a good friend...wtf?!?!
How was she a bad wife? Your dh needs to get a grip seriously.
It must be tricky for you but really it sounds like he's trying to emotional manipulate you out of his own insecurities. Your friend wants to celebrate her bday with you- how much do you value her friendship?

Honey makes a good point.

Is he assuming that you cant be trusted because in the same situation he knows that he couldnt be?

Projection is very very common. Like the accusations of infidelity from the cheating partner.

I really think, OP, that if you give in to him on this one, you will find that he will start to find fault with other friends too. And the day you don't give in to him, he will think that you really must be up to something if it means that much to you.

Is dh UR for stopping me from going on the spa weekend? utterly! I'd book it and tell him to get over it.

Would you not feel a tad uneasy that the friend might engineer a situation whereby your DH was put in a difficult situation, even if your DH has never given you cause to doubt him?
No. It wouldn't occur to me that because his bf split from his wife, dated then got back with his wife that he would want to make my dh cheat on me or that he was cheating on his wife. Even if he was the type to go out and cheat, I would trust my dh to not get his penis out just because his friend wanted him to

He disapproves of her behaviour and is nervous about it being normalised in your friendship.

Is it unreasonable? Yes it needs to be nipped in the bud.

I think the thought might occur to most of us if the boot were on the other foot and best friend were behaving in a way we consider morally out of order - say strip clubs, prostitutes, whatever gets your goat... it's just we wouldn't all let it translate into real world action. So perhaps some plain words that you love him but resent the insulting idea you are going to turn into some kind of scarlet woman if anyone "gets ideas into your head". Assuming he's just having a manwobble due to the vague possibility of change and is otherwise nice, he will realise how bad and disrespectful it sounds when you say it back to him.

Is it worth massively upsetting dh over? it isn't you who is upsetting him, its him throwing a tantrum to control you. It doesn't work with the toddler, it sure as hell wouldn't work with the husband

I am interested in my husband's wellbeing and happiness, and for me that does include changing SOME things SOME of the time, for his sake leaving aside your husbands illness as that changes the issue, who is looking out for OPs happiness? Not her DH that's for sure

We are who are friends are...You have to decide whether you put your husband or friend first.
What tosh. By the law of seven degrees of separation then we'd all be the same. I east my beef burger in front of my vegan friend. I support my friend through a marriage crisis without having one myself. I help my brother through an addiction without the need to take drugs myself. Are you really so easily led that if you're bf had an affair ( and this one didn't even do that) that you'd need to have one yourself? How about OP puts herself first cos DP isn't

can't see why you'd want to go - do you trust her? are you only friends with perfect people? Should she be worried her bf will dump her and go to spas with other people then try to get back with her??

I'm sure he'd be a tad concerned about her leading me astray though he doesn't think much of you then. If DH though my friends would lead me astray it wood be that we'd drink more than I ought and id have a bad hangover or break a leg or lose my purse. Not that I'd have sex with someone else because my friend did

Funnily enough, on a thread where a poster didn't want her DH going away with friends who they perceived were a bad influence (for similar reasons), the post was full of 'my DH wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that' and 'I wouldn't let him go' replies.

MN hypocrisy at its finest.

Its only hypocritical if the same posters have posted...

Well said MommaGee

It sounds so romantic putting our husbands before our friendships, until your friend puts her husband before your friendship or until everything goes tits up.

It's hard to tell if comments are from the same posters as hiding behind the anonymity of name-changing is so prevalent.

However, MN is a community of sorts and often reaches a consensus or at least has an overwhelmingly common attitude to many things.

How about if your DH wanted to socialise with someone who was having multiple affairs / one night stands. I guess you wouldn't have a problem with it as you think more of him than to be so easily led astray.

Yes

I wouldn't like the guy and I wouldn't expect dh to be all "yo, he's the dude! " bit I also wouldn't expect him to break off the relationship. He can be his friend and still retain control over his own penis. If you think your partner cheating on you I'd based on who they spend the weekend with not on their own morals you have major dh issues

If you think your partner cheating on you I'd based on who they spend the weekend with not on their own morals you have major dh issues

I'll take a stab at what this means.

I'd trust him not to cheat because of the company but I expect more of him than having friends like that. "A man is known by the company he keeps"

It depends on the type of weekends away though, that might make a difference. A spa weekend with someone who had a brief marital break and then reconciled is different to a boozy weekend in (say) Amsterdam with someone who you know frequently visits prostitutes.

Not saying that hypocrisy isnt rife on here because obviously it is, but I havent seen the other thread so wondering if there is more to it than "one rule for him and another for her"

It autocorrected is to I'd, hardly illegible nonsense.

I'd expect more of my DH than to dump his friends for a mistake I.e affairs. I'd expect him to counsel them against it and not be complicit in the deceprion.
One night stands outside of a relationship is totally different and frankly none of my business

"Seriously, youre9going to Amsterdam with Bert who will spend all weekend spending his money on prostitutes?"
"If he goes off and does that I'm hardly going to be going along to join in am I? And his single"
"I know darling, just don't want you bring stuck on your own all weekend. Do you need me to pick you up anything for the flight?"

Or more likely he'd tell me he was invited but wasn't going. Either way it would be his call. If he wants to cheat he can just as easily go for a bight out in the city and stop over

Your H has a very low opinion of you. He believes that you are easily manipulated - because he successfully manipulates and controls you. He therefore think other people can manipulate you too - you are just some sort of puppet.
He can't imagine that you an individual in your own right, with your own morals, judgement and able to make your own choices.

Momma I am just trying to play devils advocate as to why 2 weekends could be seen differently.

I agree with Kwoggers there's always threads castigating DHs for wanting to go out with friends they've known for ages but have cheated or have said or done something that the OP disapproves of, this is met with responses like " I'd tell him my concerns and that I really didn't want him to go, if he still went I'd probably look at him differently/ not trust him because of/with the friend", to claims he has no respec for your feelings OP! He's choosing a night with his friends over your feelings I think it's clear he doesn't respect your feelings! It generally ends up with DH being a bastard if he goes out and ignores OP and there's no consideration of being a good friend over relationships etc.

I don't think it has to be the same posters as there are general trends of MN responses, for example labour voters are more apparent, remain over leave for an example. I'm not even saying the DH is right but I don't think it's bad for him to voice his opinion, when a lot of MN advice is that people need to talk more.