Dh doesn't approve of BF

[ziggyingzagging]

NC just in case... I have a friend who i'd
class as one of my best friends. Been pals 20 years! Dh has never been overly keen on her but last year she split from her dh for a few months because she was unhappy and thought the grass might be a bit greener with someone else. She hadn't met anyone else but she was soon 'dating' after the split.

As her BF I was told all about her 'escapades'. I didn't encourage her, just tried to point out that things don't stay exciting forever and that chasing that 'new relationship' feeling would most likely lead to disappointment.

She ends up reuniting with her dh and they are happy.

My dh now REALLY dislikes her and feels like she has no morals. She's asked if I want to celebrate her bday by going on a spa weekend but dh doesn't want me to go because we 'might end up drunk and going to a party at someone's house'!!??? Not sure where this idea comes from - I haven't been to a party at someone's house since I was about 15!!!

I've tried to explain that how she behaved as a wife and her issues with her marriage, are separate from our friendship. Someone can be a 'bad' wife but a great friend and I still consider her a great friend.

Is dh UR for stopping me from going on the spa weekend?

I feel like I probably won't go as he feels sooooo strongly about it but I just want to see what others think!

Also, just to clarify - I myself have never given dh any reason not to trust me. I like a tipple but I'm not flirty and don't chat to men when I go out (usually too busy gossiping!).

It depends on the type of weekends away though, that might make a difference. A spa weekend with someone who had a brief marital break and then reconciled is different to a boozy weekend in (say)

Doesn't it come down to trust though still? If you trust your DH surely it doesn't matter if there's two guys 100 prostitutes/ strippers drinking and snorting coke if you trust your DH then there's no issue ( as long as you have no moral objections) if you want to you could go to the supermarket ( or say you are) and try to cheat

You said it much more eloquently than I managed StillHungry.

PerspicaciaTick What are you smoking?

I would not be happy with a man who hung out with low life, frankly, but a best friend who went through a marital crisis is not the same thing.

There is a difference between a woman who did what the OP's friend did and someone who uses sex workers.

MrsTerryPratchett

Yes, one's illegal.

How about if it was picking up young (but legal and consenting) girls for cheating on your partner.

The difference is simply that the OP is a woman and people like PerspicaciaTick illustrate the issue perfectly.

Your DH is being unreasonable, you're being punished for your friend's actions.

As you say, how she is as a wife/woman, is NOT anything to do with yours and her friendship.

I have been in a similar situation OP. My DH felt similar. But only because of what's happened to him in the past. Therefore, as our relationship is nothing to do with that, he didn't come out with what your DH did and I spent a lovely night away with my friends of over 30 years.

BUT, his feelings about it did count because I think I'd feel the same way if it were me. My friends equally understanding that I had regular contact whilst away.

Perhaps you could suggest regular contact (after a first night away you may not need to keep doing this). He's obviously got something in his head about it now but once the ducks's back is broken, he will realise he's being a bit paranoid and daft.

He's being unreasonable and judgemental
Go to the spa with your friend and think about whether this is the sort of behaviour you want to deal with in future

When women complain about their OH going away and the hive mind agrees they are up to no good it is not, "he's going away with someone who briefly split from his wife and had sex during that period and they are going somewhere that has very few women, almost all of them with partners". Is it?

I mean a spa is hardly Ibiza.

As I say, DH has gone to Vegas with a dreadful friend who did a crap-ton of shitty things. I didn't stop him.

a bad wife. Why is she a bad wife? They split up and whilst they were split, she had sex with someone else - or more than one person. They then got back together. Has she done something else to make you think she treats her husband badly?

Obviously I don't know but the DH could see it as her "splitting up" with the DH to have her escapades to return later guilt free. Obviously that's just a guess and it would be risky depending on the people and time but it reminds me of friends with the we were on a break saga except Ross would have split with Rachel with the intention of sleeping with photocopy girl.

I've found that the people who bang on the most about 'morals' - especially the morals of women - have the most going on in their own closets.

Mummyoflittledragon

She left her husband, fucked around, and then came back when the grass wasn't greener. Hardly aspirational.

Would you take your DH back if he did that?

Kwoggers. We don't know why she went off apart from she thought she wanted something else and then realised she didn't. Perhaps there were other things not working in the marriage and perhaps not. She didn't go behind his back or cheat. Her behaviour would have been incredibly hurtful but she acted with respect. And was open about her reasons. Would I take my dh back? Idk. He's a good man and he isn't likely to do this.

"she was unhappy and thought the grass might be a bit greener with someone else"

That's all we have to go on.

"He's a good man and he isn't likely to do this."

I'm glad. Good men spouses aren't likely to do this and isn't that my point (and the OP's husband's too?). If I was unhappy then I would leave my marriage. After 30+ years I can't see it happening but I sure as hell wouldn't leave, decide I'd make a mistake and have the audacity to go back to my husband. I'd let him get on with rebuilding his life.

Anyway, I think I'm a little over-invested in a relatively trivial AIBU .

• I think that the BF doesn't sound particularly pleasant.

• The OP's DH isn't controlling to my mind.

• I think that if the sexes in the situation were reversed there'd be far more people saying that the man should be respecting his wife's opinion and feelings.

He's definitely being U but if the situation was reversed there'd be cries of LTB or put your foot down etc,

"Bad wife"

I feel that both of you are being overly harsh on her actually.

Leaving a relationship doesn't make you bad. It's not "escapades". If she left she left for a reason. You should respect that regardless of whether her and her DH eventually reconciled.

And your DH doesn't sound nice. If you wanted to leave him do you think he'd drag your name through the mud too?

I don't understand why women stay with idiots like this. Of course he is BU. Can you sit him down and have a rational chat with him. What on earth does he think could happen at a spa weekend? Is his greatest fear that you will 'get drunk and go to a house party' because frankly there is nothing wrong with that either. His behaviour is bizarre and I think you know that if you don't go to this spa weekend he will alienate you further amd further from this friend until you lose her.

My DH had a friend who was unhappy in his marriage who cheated, multiple times. It wouldn't have crossed my mind to have tried to stop him going out with him because I trust him. If your DH thinks that you will cheat by just being in the company of someone who has previously cheated then you have big problems in your relationship.

I'm sure that a woman coming on here to say her husband had left her so he could go and shag around would be told that he had the right to leave an unhappy marriage. .

And no, it has nothing to do with who responds on the thread. There are certainly some who would respond on a similar thread with the parties the other way around and who absolutely would villify a man for doing the same to his wife and state that the wife was a mug for taking him back and was the one deserving of the support. Moreover, that the DH was questionable to have supported this cheating arsehole throughout this split and being there to listen to the sordid details of his sexual conquests.

Let's be honest, it's one thing to maintain a friendship throughout something like this, nobody's perfect after all and people do questionable things. It's quite another to be there to listen to all the details, to be supported of the friend rather than the people whose lives she was destroying in the process, and then to continue as if nothing ever happened. It's condoning a behaviour which is questionable at best. And let's be honest, the likelihood of her having left purely because she thought the grass might be greener is slim. It's far more likely she met someone and wanted to pursue that, and when that turned to nothing decided she'd shag around a bit more just in case.

It seems quite clear that the OP's DH knows what kind of person she is, and that yes, his wife continuing her unfailing support of this woman and her behaviour puts a question mark over what kind of person she is.

If my DP wanted to spend a weekend with a man who left his wife and kids to go on a shag fest I'd see that as condoning that kind of behaviour, and as such I would wonder how far he was from thinking it was ok, and as such how likely he might be drawn down the same path.

I wouldn't stop him from going, but I would absolutely make my feelings known, and it would make me see him in a different light.

I was expecting a thread about breastfeeding....

Is he judging you by how he would behave? He doesn't trust you, because he wouldn't trust himself? In my younger days, I lived with a boyfriend. I then joined the military, which he and I had discussed and he was supportive of, until the reality hit him - I would be in a male dominated environment. He immediately assumed I would meet someone else, start sleeping around etc and was really unpleasant about it, withdrew his support for my career. I didn't meet anyone else. But, I did come home one weekend to find he had been shagging someone else. I moved out on the spot and we never saw each other again. Basically, he didn't trust himself and redirected it onto me.

The dh here doesn't just want you to
not go on the spa break, but to not be friends with this woman. If it comes down to the weekend away then that's about not trusting you OP not about your friend. If he dislikes her he can dislike her at the movie, in her flat - being in a fluffy bathrobe makes no difference.
Thinking back now to a recent boozey citybreak with a friend of loose morals - it was great

It's absolutely fine for him to have morals. And how he feels about your friend is how he feels and that won't change.

I think he needs to be aware though that your friends actions are not yours and you shouldn't judge a cat on a dogs behaviour as my Mom used to say!!

Tell him you're going. You can be trusted, and you've never done anything to disprove this. Maybe rather than be controlling, he needs a bit extra reassurance?

I suspect it is mirexa case of him not wanting to have to have the kids on his own for a weekend

As her BF I was told all about her 'escapades'. I didn't encourage her, just tried to point out that things don't stay exciting forever and that chasing that 'new relationship' feeling would most likely lead to disappointment.

My dh now REALLY dislikes her and feels like she has no morals

I also don't think it was fair to your friend that you told your husband about her escapades if she told you in confidence.

knows what kind of person she is

And what kind of person is that? What has OP friend actually done wrong in your eyes? She hasn't cheated. She just ended her relationship, didn't she? Where are you reading all the other stuff?