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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh doesn't approve of BF

147 replies

ziggyingzagging · 08/05/2017 22:22

NC just in case... I have a friend who i'd
class as one of my best friends. Been pals 20 years! Dh has never been overly keen on her but last year she split from her dh for a few months because she was unhappy and thought the grass might be a bit greener with someone else. She hadn't met anyone else but she was soon 'dating' after the split.

As her BF I was told all about her 'escapades'. I didn't encourage her, just tried to point out that things don't stay exciting forever and that chasing that 'new relationship' feeling would most likely lead to disappointment.

She ends up reuniting with her dh and they are happy.

My dh now REALLY dislikes her and feels like she has no morals. She's asked if I want to celebrate her bday by going on a spa weekend but dh doesn't want me to go because we 'might end up drunk and going to a party at someone's house'!!??? Not sure where this idea comes from - I haven't been to a party at someone's house since I was about 15!!!

I've tried to explain that how she behaved as a wife and her issues with her marriage, are separate from our friendship. Someone can be a 'bad' wife but a great friend and I still consider her a great friend.

Is dh UR for stopping me from going on the spa weekend?

I feel like I probably won't go as he feels sooooo strongly about it but I just want to see what others think!

Also, just to clarify - I myself have never given dh any reason not to trust me. I like a tipple but I'm not flirty and don't chat to men when I go out (usually too busy gossiping!).

OP posts:

twattymctwatterson · 08/05/2017 22:52

There is nothing immoral about what your friend did. I think both you and your DH need to realise this. No one is obligated to stay in a marriage they are unhappy in so as not to hurt anyone else. She didn't have an affair, she was free to date when they were separated and happily they have decided to give it another go. Do not allow your DH to turn you against a good friend. He IS controlling. I doubt this is the only example

picklemepopcorn · 08/05/2017 22:56

Perhaps he's confusing 'spa' with 'massage parlour'. Whatever could you get up to at a spa? Drink too much carrot juice? Giggle too loudly?

Daft man. I think I'd tell him he's daft, and carry on as I want.

Original poster

ziggyingzagging · 08/05/2017 22:56

Twattymctwatterson - thanks for the reply. he couldn't turn me against her. She's a friend for life as far as I'm concerned. She hasn't done anything wrong but from his perspective he thinks that she left her husband 'for no good reason' and caused a lot of hurt. There is no denying her actions did cause hurt but she needed the break from her marriage to re-evaluate things and while he doesn't see that as a good reason, I do.

OP posts:

normastits5 · 08/05/2017 22:56

Yep he's being pretty controlling & very unreasonable in trying to ban you from this trip. What will you do the next time she asks you to go somewhere? Consult DH again? And if he continues to disapprove? Where does that leave your friendship?

Original poster

ziggyingzagging · 08/05/2017 23:00

What do I do though? Is it worth massively upsetting dh over? I can make an excuse up to my friend and she'll never know but if I go, it will probably cause more tension and upset with dh. I know that means I'm giving in to him and if he behaved this way frequently then I'd be more inclined to stand my ground but as it doesn't, I'm torn as to whether it's worth the upset.

I imagine any poor masseuse would have their work cut out getting the stress out my shoulders if I went now!

OP posts:

normastits5 · 08/05/2017 23:00

And I am highly suspicious of those who take such a moral high ground in regards to other relationships. It's none of his business quite frankly how your BF and her DH conduct their relationship

Ohyesiam · 08/05/2017 23:01

He is your husband not your keeper, he should not be trying to stop you doing reasonable things, and this spa weekend is reasonable. There is nothing in this situation for him to be distraught about, it must touch on something else for him. Sound like something a teen boyfriend might do, not a man.

As for judging your friend, the more common route to go down when people have a crisis about their future is to lie and have an affair. Can't see his liking that either.

And if he is adamant he is not controlling, show him this thread.

But seriously, please dont let yourself be stopped .

normastits5 · 08/05/2017 23:02

I would do my best to explain to him how important this friendship is to you

lottiegarbanzo · 08/05/2017 23:02

I don't understand how she is 'immoral'. She didn't cheat. She left honourably. Then she and her DH decided to give it another go. What's the moral issue? Does your DH believe divorce is immoral?

Sounds to me like he thinks marriage is a bit boring and most people are tempted to shag around. Your friend is dangerous because she's lived this, has had her cake, eaten it and might open your mind to the idea of a ONS with some random bloke. Because that (perhaps not with a bloke) is what he'd be tempted to do.

Original poster

ziggyingzagging · 08/05/2017 23:02

Normastis05 - I agree. Her marriage is entirely separate from our friendship and should have no baring at all.

OP posts:

toomanyloos · 08/05/2017 23:02

My friend did exactly this to her DH. It was horrible to watch, and yes, judge me if you will, but it affected our friendship.

I don't for one minute believe her DH is happy now, despite their being back together. You don't get over your spouse walking out on you because they wanted to shag other people. You just don't.

I think your DH is worried she might influence you to do the same. 'Doesn't want you to go' isn't the same as preventing you, so it's a little strong to suggest he is controlling you. From your OP it is impossibe to judge whether he is just a little paranoid, or whether he is a controlling person. A lot depends on what he is like generally.

NoLoveofMine · 08/05/2017 23:04

Sound like something a teen boyfriend might do

This would be just as unacceptable. There's no excuse for controlling behaviour and I don't think it should be excused or minimised if a young person displayed it.

Bahhhhhumbug · 08/05/2017 23:04

EastMidsMum I read 'DH doesnt approve of boyfriend'

SashaSashays · 08/05/2017 23:05

I would find this extremely offensive as putting aside your friend's behaviour and his opinion on the morality of that, it implies you're so easily led.

I'd also argue that if you don't go and thus let him control you like that, he is slightly proving his own point that you can be turned to someone else's will so I'd say I was going just to demonstrate he was wrong.

In fact I'd maybe even say that he is welcome to chaperone if he likes and let him see how sexually charged it is getting pedicures with a prosecco hangover.

Original poster

ziggyingzagging · 08/05/2017 23:05

Lottiegarbanzo - he perceives her to be immoral
Because he thinks she gave up on her marriage just to shag about. It was obviously far more complicated than that but getting him to see any grey in a situation like this is like getting blood from a stone!

OP posts:

NoLoveofMine · 08/05/2017 23:06

Bahhhhhumbug so did I. Which, to be fair, I was prepared to sympathise with the husband over.

Chavelita · 08/05/2017 23:08

He's not 'stopping you', not unless you pander to him throwing his toys out of the pram and trying to dictate your friendships. He clearly doesn't think much of you, does he, if the mere presence of a friend who briefly left her husband is going to transform you into a nymphomaniac serial adulterer?

Whathaveilost · 08/05/2017 23:10

what do you do?
You want to go, so go.

If you dont he will only guilt trip you over something else. You need to nip this manipulative behaviour in the bud now before it escalates.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 08/05/2017 23:10

I don't think you should go, your husband has decided that you shouldn't so obviously you should obey him.

If you're barking mad that is.

MrsJamesMathews · 08/05/2017 23:11

You DH is an idiot.

And you are the one BU for letting him 'stop' you!!

Pack your bags, say goodbye, walk out the door.

Let him be distraught for the weekend and just think of it as a case of controlled crying for a grown man.

Bahhhhhumbug · 08/05/2017 23:13

Haha NoloveofmIne don't think my DH would be best pleased either. Op don't think you should let your H tell you who you can go out with. Slippery slope imo.

Louiselouie0890 · 08/05/2017 23:13

He's being u.r what she did has no influence on you would do in your relationship. I'd remind him your two different people

lottiegarbanzo · 08/05/2017 23:13

So he thinks people shouldn't be allowed to end marriages when unhappy? That shagging, as a single person, is bad?

Irrelevant anyway. She can only be a bad influence on you (as if), if you are open to influence - because dissatisfied.

People always expect others to be the same way they are - have the same feelings and motivations. Nice people think everyone is nice. Cheats (or those who'd like to) think everyone cheats.

You see? He's telling you about himself.

He'd do better to work on ensuring you don't feel dissatisfied, or distrusted.

Doublemint · 08/05/2017 23:15

She's been your friend for twenty years! And your DH is BU.
I would go and tell him to take that weekend to think about they way he treats you. It sounds like he doesn't respect you or your decisions or trust you very much.

robinia · 08/05/2017 23:16

I'd go. Because if you don't go you are setting up an expectation of not doing things with your bf. But I would be sensitive to his fear and try to accommodate reasonable requests - eg. to text him at certain times or whatever. Whilst reminding him that it's him you love.

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