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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM thinks I should ring SS and Police

125 replies

RachelRagged · 07/05/2017 13:14

Good Afternoon AIBU (I don't think so but open to be shown I am).

DM and me have a on off realtionship , I love her but she is very much I am right" of manner and attitude and it rubs me the wrong way, it always has .

My 2 youngest DCs are both DSs aged 16 and 13. They ARE a handfull, this is true , but there are reasons for this . Youngest has taken my debit card and spent on it online (I will get this back from the bank I hope) and of course its been found out . He is also a school refuser , though school do not seem overly bothered as never contact me (I keep in touch via an email). I also have depression

DM reckons I should call the SS about the school refusal (I think they are overstretched myself) and police about stealing from the debit card . I do not ... so we just had a to do on the phone .

What would YOU do please .. ?

TIA

OP posts:
OfficiallyUnofficial · 07/05/2017 13:16

I wouldn't be doing what she said with SS/Police. But I'd ask what you have done as you seem fairly relaxed about some frankly awful shocking behaviour.

ImperialBlether · 07/05/2017 13:16

She's absolutely right. Why should you get your money back from the bank? Your son stole it. You should also do whatever it takes to get him into school - why aren't you doing that?

It sounds as though things are getting on top of you and your child is going off the rails. You need to take action now to stop it getting worse.

iLoveCamelCase · 07/05/2017 13:17

Can you speak to the pastoral team at the school and ask for support? They will know who to contact to get you some support. You are not coping as a family and need some help.

Original poster
RachelRagged · 07/05/2017 13:18

So as not to dripfeed the 16 year old may have PDA but was not diagnosed as such . The younger one saw his older brother school refusing for years , so had years of this and he, probably rightly to him, is now doing the same . The other day he hit me with a plastic bag with two bottles of drink in it and DM thinks that is assualt . . Sorry but I think she is being a little OTT in that regards .

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 07/05/2017 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spanieleyes · 07/05/2017 13:19

If someone in the street hit you with two bottles of drink in a bag, what would you call it!

Original poster
RachelRagged · 07/05/2017 13:19

Removed his computer, ipad and phone but he just goes out and to the library (or did, they are banned from there now).

Re trying to get him to school I tried it all . Withholding the above, withholding pocket money, physically tried to get him out of bed but to no avail . I don't really want to discuss that aspect as its by the by here , , this is about ss and police and the fact I find that ott as they are already overstretched as it is

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/05/2017 13:19

Honestly? I think you should take responsibility for parenting your children. Deal with the school refusal. SS don't exist to deal with children who are a "handful" Confused

iLoveCamelCase · 07/05/2017 13:20

No it's not OTT, OP. It is assault and you and your family need some urgent help. He hit you with a bag containing two bottles - violence escalates. For your sons' sake and future, you must ask for help.

FrancisCrawford · 07/05/2017 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notapizzaeater · 07/05/2017 13:21

What are you scared of ?

Have camhs been involved ? SS might be able to help.

larrygrylls · 07/05/2017 13:21

Your mother is OTT but you are way too relaxed. Hitting you with bottles is assault, the credit card is theft and school refusal is potentially very serious.

You need to have a meeting with the appropriate person at the school and work closely with them to put appropriate boundaries and consequences in place on a consistent basis.

Your son needs to at least know that if he assaults you the police may be called. And if it happens again (especially any escalation) then I would do it.

Original poster
RachelRagged · 07/05/2017 13:22

ILoveCaramel he is supposed to be on a reduced timetable at school and when he does go in (not often ) is a joy to behold accordig to his year leader ..

Yes I see your point spanieleyes.. I would report it if it was a stranger I guess.

Reason I don't seem so angry is because I feel numb .. Had years of it with DS16 and feel about to give up (that and other issues , debts I have too so scared of baliffs arriving next) and also because I dont wish to parent like DM did me .. I was scared of her ,,, she don't know that but I wouldn't want any DC scared of me .

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/05/2017 13:22

X post with a massive drip feed
You have lost all control. You need to stop minimising their completely unacceptable behaviour.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 07/05/2017 13:22

You won't get the money back from the bank. You might get it back if you cancel the orders directly with the suppliers.

I think maybe you should get SS involved as your child is violent and needs help and you seem quite unable to motivate yourself to do anything about it and would rather blame others.

Lostwithinthehills · 07/05/2017 13:23

It definitely sounds like as a family you do need extra support. I also think it's a good thing that your DM is trying to look out for you. What steps have you taken to deal with your sons' poor behaviour and what help have you sought and been given so far?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 07/05/2017 13:23

I find it hard to believe that 'the school don't seem that bothered' by his lack of attendance. They should be although they may be understanding if there are certain circumstances.

I am completely miffed about you not seeming too bothered about your 13yo taking your debit card and using it online! You should be expecting him to pay you back, not your bank. What are you teaching him there?!

Original poster
RachelRagged · 07/05/2017 13:24

Thanks Wolfie , , do you like kicking a woman when she is already down ?? FFS , ,Should have known better than to post here . .. Judgement is US .

Thanks to those with positive ideas I will take them up but Im asking or this to be removed now as I don't feel its helpul It will be "take a pot shot at Rachel Ragged" by many !! Drove my friend off here, perhaps Ill go too !

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 07/05/2017 13:24

It doesn't sound like you have a handle on this, OP. Is your DM likely to contact SS off her own bat?

FrancisCrawford · 07/05/2017 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justanothernameonthepage · 07/05/2017 13:25

You may have to involve the police if you're expecting the bank to repay you. Otherwise why won't the bank just assume you gave your son permission? They won't just shrug it off and hand over the cash when it's a case of fraud/theft. With the refusing school, are you actually educating him at home and planning on GCSEs? Or just letting him entertain himself? (I know of 2 school refusers. One works really hard and is at Alevel standard in several subjects at 14. One just plays games all day or bums around all day. )

Lostwithinthehills · 07/05/2017 13:26

Why were your sons banned from the local library?

Wolfiefan · 07/05/2017 13:26

Kicking a woman when she's down?
No.
Pointing out that there is no excuse for these behaviours and that you need to do something and not just claim your mother is being OTT.

Grimbles · 07/05/2017 13:26

The SS may get a lot of flak from some quarters but they are there to help in situations like this.

Freddystarshamster · 07/05/2017 13:27

It is assault, so she's right in that respect. However it's not the job of the Police or SS to parent your children for you. School refusal, assaulting you, banned from the library?? They sound lovely.

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