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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM thinks I should ring SS and Police

125 replies

RachelRagged · 07/05/2017 13:14

Good Afternoon AIBU (I don't think so but open to be shown I am).

DM and me have a on off realtionship , I love her but she is very much I am right" of manner and attitude and it rubs me the wrong way, it always has .

My 2 youngest DCs are both DSs aged 16 and 13. They ARE a handfull, this is true , but there are reasons for this . Youngest has taken my debit card and spent on it online (I will get this back from the bank I hope) and of course its been found out . He is also a school refuser , though school do not seem overly bothered as never contact me (I keep in touch via an email). I also have depression

DM reckons I should call the SS about the school refusal (I think they are overstretched myself) and police about stealing from the debit card . I do not ... so we just had a to do on the phone .

What would YOU do please .. ?

TIA

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 07/05/2017 13:28

Why is the 13yo on a reduced timetable at school?

iLoveCamelCase · 07/05/2017 13:28

Rachel, you asked for opinions and got them. Your son seems very angry with you - probably underneath all his behaviour (especially if he he good when he attends school but not for you) is anger at you for not putting strong enough boundaries in place to protect him and his siblings. By your own admission he has seen years of his brother in the same position. Children need boundaries to feel secure. You say you suffer from depression and don't mention a DP so are perhaps trying to manage alone and struggling. If you have MH issues yourself, it can be hard to provide those boundaries effectively and there is no shame in asking for support. Services ARE overrun but your children need you to make this hard decision and access the support you need to parent effectively and help your son.

Astro55 · 07/05/2017 13:29

You know SS are there to help don't you? They have access to services CHAMS etc

Your parenting style isn't working is it? You are raising two boys who will become out of control ... who knows where that will lead?

You have no boundaries and they have no respect for you at all -

Justanothernameonthepage · 07/05/2017 13:29

I do feel for you as it sounds overwhelming and I think you need to seek help ASAP. The theft, assault and poor behaviour are not normal and you need to get assistance in how to move forward. He sounds as though he is a toddler with no self control or awareness of others and has zero respect for you

IloveBanff · 07/05/2017 13:30

Your mother is absolutely right. You need to do something effective! This can't go on. Seriously.

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2017 13:30

It sounds as though everything has fallen apart for you OP Thanks

SS are there to help when a family has got to this point.

Give them a ring, they're not the bad guys everyone makes them out to be.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 07/05/2017 13:30

So school have done something to address his refusing. If he is "a joy" then they need to be upping his hours. And I bet other agencies are working behind the scenes to help him.
There is a happy medium between autocratic parenting and letting them run riot. You need help op, I would be involving the police about the theft and the assault. This may trigger help from other agencies. But make no mistake-he sees all of these as acceptable, if he does it to someone else it won't be your choice.

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2017 13:30

Sorry, that should say some people make them out to be.

Trifleorbust · 07/05/2017 13:32

I would also be incredibly careful about self-diagnosing your eldest with PDA. Has he been diagnosed with this by professionals?

HarrietSchulenberg · 07/05/2017 13:33

My then 14 year old shoved me, hit me and threatened me, on more than one occasion. I called the police, on more than one occasion, and they explained very clearly explained to him that he had assaulted me and that this was an offence.

He has also stolen from me (cash not card) and threatened to kill his younger brother.

I called the police and also SS to ask for help. Help for both of us, because we needed it. I needed him to understand that you don't just hit someone because you are angry that they have a different point of view, and to protect any future girlfriend or wife from his temper.

It was not an easy decision to make but it was the right one, and I think your DM is right: you can't manage him on your own, you both need help, and he needs to face some consequence for his actions.

Good luck.

OlennasWimple · 07/05/2017 13:33

I wouldn't go to the police (not this time - I would be making it clear that if either of them steal your card again or assault you again then you will be straight down there), but you do need professional help with your boys, particularly going to school

I'm surprised that school are so relaxed about this, perhaps you need to nudge them and ask for more support. What is the plan to get DS up from a reduced timetable to full time attendance, for example? You could also ask school to make a referral to SS for professional support for you all

MaisyPops · 07/05/2017 13:34

This sounds like an awful situation but you do seem to our be full of reasons for everything Eg there's a reason for refusing to go to school, there's a reason they're badly behaved. You've even decided yourself that your child has pathological demand avoidance despite zero medical assessments (but I've worked with at least half a dozen kids whose parents say they have pda but it's unoffical/undiagnosed They didn't. They were just badly behaved and knew exactly what they were doing).

For whatever reason, what you are doing isn't working and you do need to call social services to see if you can get an early help referral. Much better to get specialists in to help and support now than later when things get even worse.

If you do nothing and continue to justify their behaviour and explain it away then you are setting them up for a lifetime of minimal qualifications, no ability to follow rules which will exist in every job and a total lack of respect for the world. If that's what you want then fine.
But in my experience even the angriest kids are crying out for boundaries and support in equal measure.

Astro55 · 07/05/2017 13:36

I'm also concerned you used possible PDA as an excuse for his behaviour - most parents wouldn't accept bad behavior as there's no excuse

memyselfandaye · 07/05/2017 13:37

I'm pretty sure the bank won't give you the money back unless you report it as theft and have a crime reference number.

intheknickersoftime · 07/05/2017 13:39

This is more complex than Aibu can cover I think. It tends to be very one side or the other. It is quite clear that you need support. I wonder if you contacted the school and asked for an appointment with the head of year they may be able to signpost you to help? I don't think the stealing of the card can go unpunished.

Fairenuff · 07/05/2017 13:39

he hit me with a plastic bag with two bottles of drink in it and DM thinks that is assualt . . Sorry but I think she is being a little OTT in that regards

What if it wasn't you he hit, what if it was someone in the street? Would you still say that it wasn't assault?

Mulberry72 · 07/05/2017 13:39

What Camel said......

Desperateforsleepzzzz · 07/05/2017 13:41

Pda would be present at school not just home. I would suggest you refer yourself for early help to support you to deal with this behaviour. My DD has been a major challenge and it's easy to minimise this and it becomes the norm but it's never to late to put positive changes in place.

SnapJack68 · 07/05/2017 13:43

I wpuld not involve the police about the debit card if it's the first time it happened. I would make sure he keep my money and cards well away from your ds in future though and if you can intercept whatever he has bought and return it as well as giving him a talking to about this being stealing

I would agree with your mum about social services re school refusal. Am shocked schook aren't too bothered as they need to be. Maybe because they think they can't get anywhere by talking to you about it as you can't support them due to your situation (mental health/relationship breakdown with sons.. whatever)

In 10 years time your sons may be regretting their school Refusal and you don't want to be in the position of not being able to give an answer to them when they ask why you didn't do more make them go

With depression and 2 teenage boys Whixh you seem to not have a good relationship with you are in a tough spot to be abke to deal with this all by yourself. .. so social services wpuld be a good support to turn to

Either way... you can't just go on and do nothing with things as they are.. school refusing, stealing and physical assault

Sounds like they are crying out for attention

Spikeyball · 07/05/2017 13:44

I think you should contact ss because they may be able to help you.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 07/05/2017 13:45

You said in your op that you were prepared to be told ywbu.
There are some tough words here op. But many of us have had to deal with similar, or worse with our DC and our work. People know what they are talking about, although you might think they are being unfair. You all need help as a family. There is no shame asking for it.
Can I ask, your 16 yr old, is he in education or training or work? If not what does he do, where does he go, what do you see in his future? Do you want the same for your youngest? What did you do when he refused school? This is one instance where a boundary could have been set. You take him back in. Every time. If he refuses class, the school deals.
Please don't think we are after you, but parenting is tough, sometimes you can't do it alone.

Trifleorbust · 07/05/2017 13:47

PDA isn't a recognised medical diagnosis. It's existence as part of the spectrum of autistic child conditions is thoroughly disputed.

Adnerb95 · 07/05/2017 13:47

Depression can make it very hard to take positive action. Sounds like you do need a load of support and as PPs have said both SS and the Police can refer or offer support as appropriate.

Whilst your MIl may not have been helpful in her attitude, on this occasion I think she is right.

Your DSs are controlling the household and this is unkind to both them and you. They need to know that there are boundaries and that you care enough to ensure that they stay within them. But get help!

Trifleorbust · 07/05/2017 13:47

Its - bloody auto correct

Spikeyball · 07/05/2017 13:49

Why is he on a reduced timetable? Reduced timetables should be temporary measures.

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